My Life in My Own Words

By Indian Summers

When author Indian Summers family moved from Mississippi to New York City, it was as if they fell prey to the fantasies New York City offered, when all along, they were just a poor family with false hopes and sinister secrets rooted deeply in the family history.

In My Life in My Own Words, Summers narrates a powerful account of her troubling life, of being raised by a mentally ill mother, an absent drug-addicted father, and living among the inconceivable and wicked family secrets. She journeyed through life knocking down every obstacle she encountered, but still was weakened in body, spirit, and mind by her lifes battles. She tells how her faith in God is the only way she survived her world of pain, betrayal, and deceit.

This memoir shares how Summers grew up with nothing but the skin on her back and the hair on her head. My Life in My Own Words shares her great lesson in life: make your best good and your good your best.

• Language: English
• Publisher: LifeRich Publishing
• Release date: Mar 7, 2016
• ISBN: 9781489706966

Indian Summers

Indian Summers (Dorothy Ann Hardin) grew up in New York City and earned a bachelor’s degree in business management from Monroe College. She has worked in the social services and medical services sector and is now pursuing a real estate career. Summers and her teenage son live in New York City.

Book preview

My Life in

My Own Words

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Indian Summers

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Copyright © 2016 Indian Summers.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

LifeRich Publishing is a registered trademark of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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ISBN: 978-1-4897-0695-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-0694-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-0696-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016902090

LifeRich Publishing rev. date: 03/07/2016

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

1 A Glance at Terror

2 My Very First Woman Figure

3 Lone Territory

4 Battles & Challenges

5 System Life Not My First Rodeo

6 Romance Me

7 Life & Law

8 Take Me into Custody If You Like

9 The Beginning of a New Life

10 The System Can Be a Lifter

11 Judge Me Not

12 A Life of New Beginnings

13 Going Down Memory Lane

14 Breaking Free

15 The Streets Are Talking

16 Growing Up Fast Alone with Old Neighborhood Habits

17 My Flesh & Blood

18 A New Direction of Openness Begins

Poems

Author’s Encouragement

For there may be many things working against you in your quest for happiness, fulfillment, and purpose of achieving your highest level of self. You must not be defeated; just know that God is in charge and that you can do all things through God whom strengthens you. Sometimes in life, we have to fall before we can get back up and walk, then run to the finish line and be victorious.

Author’s Quote

I can’t tell you who I am unless I describe to you where I came from and how I survived it all

Author’s Message

Let your courage be real and your wit be mighty, and your fight be your strength, as your inner being prophesizes a conqueror upon your enemy. For it is strength, mightiness, courage and flames of your actions, that will destroy and demise the battle and render your victory. Live to be effectively strong and stand in the mind strong! To tell the story amongst the evil doers of the world. For whom you are and what you believe will emerge and manifest upon the earth!

Acknowledgments

Thanks to:

My heavenly Father the most high, God! You have brought and carried me through the heartaches of my life. When it seemed like I could not go on any longer, giving my all and the best of me, you have always fostered a miracle in my life to keep me going strong. You are always in my corner and have delivered me from sadness, anger and hate. You have saved me from myself and have always been the center and deliverer of my life. Thank You Father.

My son Isaiah, my greatest gift and creation, my most remarkable fulfillment in life is being your mother and sharing my life with you. I love you very much, with all my body, mind, heart and soul my dear child. You have been the reason for my profound strength and endurance. You are the might to my weakness and the hope to my accomplishments. You make me strive to be more and do more. I am my greatest representation of myself because of you. When I have no more strength and mental stability to go on, your very existence provides me life. Your being has taught me unconditional love, forgiveness, understanding and how to possess power in my weakest state. I am a greater spiritual force because of your existence. May God continue to bless you and may prosperity, hope and faith follow you in all the days of your life. I love you my Dear Child.

My dearest mother, the bearer of my existence. Thank you for giving me life and always instilling the great values in your children to love God beyond every forsaken measure that life presents to us. You have not only been a great teacher but a great woman who has always tried to admit her wrongs and showcase her rights and for that I love you. Thank you for being a magnificent grandmother to my child.

To my trusted mate DeMichele. Thank you for dedicating countless hours, days and late nights to ensure that my readers received a quality book that will honor the lives and stories of the many people in my memoir. Your commitment has been one of the greatest reasons this book has been executed with great beauty. Without your intelligence, meticulous watchful eyes and great care in ensuring that this book gets the recognition it deserves; this book would not be what it is today. I am grateful for your efforts and for the many blessings you have bestowed on me. I could not have successfully completed this process without you. Thank you.

- I.S.

Preface

I came to writing this book because I noticed that there were countless individuals and families suffering the gruesome reality of not having enough of anything to survive, thrive and live decent lives. They lacked the fundamental principles of what it took to be a superior force in their lives as well as their families. Lacking the basic but profound resources of support, aid and sometimes shelter and lacking qualities such as strength, courage, confidence, wisdom and education is what left many of these people and families victims to predators. Many have questioned the agencies that were developed for the sole purpose of assisting and servicing hopeless and impoverished individuals that couldn’t provide the proper stability and care for themselves as well as their families. These agencies that were put into place to help the individuals and families, on the contrary, did the drastic opposite. These agencies failed most of them miserably. The system, that was once a social business thriving for the sole purpose to help and advance the lives of the unfortunate, went from operating in a non for profit fashion to a profitable money making industry. This then changed the outlook and focus of what they were doing. The agencies’ focus turned to making money and focused less on the wellbeing of the families that it swore to honor and serve. It became a moneymaking machine that brought in millions of dollars annually, profiting off of the suffering of those that could not afford to care for, guide and lead themselves.

A hefty price was paid and it came in the form of their clients’ demise, the many innocent, desperate and struggling families that were in need of urgent help. After the child welfare agency agenda had changed from serving the lives of the unfortunate to becoming a profitable business, it became poorly managed. Employees that weren’t suitably conscientious or aware of the challenges and dilemmas that these families faced, were not capable of dealing with the sensitivity of these families’ ongoing struggles. To save themselves from the horror of being berated and humiliated by their superiors for their lack of proper work performance; many of these workers move swiftly to cover up their inadequate work ethnics by wrongly accusing many of their clients of incompliance, which led to many of their downfalls, permanent family separations and their destruction. A system that was once created to support families had decided that it cost less, and rendered a better return, to separate, oppress and compromise the sanity and wellbeing of the many families they were suppose to help and protect. I have my own personal accounts of the wrongdoings and the harm that the child welfare system has caused my family. An organization designed to help my family has caused them nothing but grief and hardship and put us into the worst situations. Because my family lacked the essentials and the ability to advocate effectively for their rights, we were victimized, punished and paid the consequences of not having the knowledge, education and intelligence to defend ourselves and to articulate our feelings confidently to convey our message that would have led to the protection of our rights. For this, our rights were violated and we suffered the consequence with our lives; we were abandoned and neglected in a sense by the same system that swore to protect us.

When I noticed how greatly my family depended on the agency for their wellbeing, I decided early on that I was going to learn the essentials; like how to advocate for myself effectively so that I may get what I needed to secure a better life for me and my family. I needed to be a strong advocate of my life and my family’s life, if I was going to ensure that we would live a decent life as normal human beings. With the skills I learned, I had possessed the formula to success. These were simple skills that I had learned. I then wanted to inspire others and save them from the hardships of the system by informing them of the potent formula to increasing the quality of their lives. Just by talking about my struggles and showing them, through my storytelling, the reasons for my family issues and how the simple ways of thinking and behavior changed the course of my life and my family as well. If they just take the time to learn the effective techniques, such as possessing education, knowledge, communicative skills, good decision making and problem solving skills, they can then be powerful leaders of their lives and not depend on the actions of others.

I began this rigorous but very magical process not knowing what would become of my experience in this unfamiliar but great journey. I would come to know that this process was preparing me to understand myself much better and the world and its many complications, which is not that complicated if we just love, live simply and without judgment. I came to recognize and learn a great deal about myself and to accept myself for what I am and who I am. I have fought my hardest in life to make sure that my life was based on love, goodness and to always know and understand that every process and journey in life, including our greatest hardships, have a purpose that is much greater than ourselves and are preparing us and taking us through a process so that we may get to where we need to be. Everything that is great must be dug up from the dirt, even gold. My book has been a great example of my life’s obstacles and the affirmation for me to never give up on hope no matter what’s going on in my life. It is the darkness and ‘trial and error’ that will offer us some of our greatest treasures that will give us the skills, knowledge, confidence and strength we need to change the world. I am not proud of my struggles but I am definitely grateful for them because it made me the strong being I am today. And for that, I can always marvel in hope because I know that there is a chance for a better tomorrow, all is not lost. If we can’t change something we must change the way we look at it and then our lives will change.

This book was created as a sort of self help book to offer inspiration to those that are going through a hard time so that they can get through life a little better. If they just believe that they are a child of the Most High and that they are capable of doing the work that will get them where they need to be. If they just take the time to sit, think and map out a plan for their lives then they can accomplish extraordinary things. I want my readers to know that no one can offer them greater than they can offer themselves. They hold the keys to open all doors of possibilities and goodness to their lives. It first starts with them accepting that knowledge, information and action are parts of those vital essentials for their lives; connecting them to the dynamic elements that will lead to doors being opened for them. They have the power to demonstrate and to determine when and how those doors need to be opened so that they may begin to reap the benefits and goodness of their lives. They have control over their destiny and their past does not define them. Their past is only a chapter in their lives, where many great ones still await. They do not have to depend on anyone but themselves. Because no one is going to care or love them like they are going to care or love themselves. So ‘Self’ love first!

Introduction

I have been through so much growing up in the heart of New York City; however, I was not defeated by any of it. It was as if my family fell prey to the fantasies that New York City had to offer; when all along, we were just a poor family, with false hopes and sinister secrets that were rooted so deeply in my family history that it followed my family generations to come. My family is originally from the south and things operated very different down there; for one, southern people are very family oriented, family comes first in the south. I guess that my family coming to New York City and adopting a new way of life; destroyed them. By abandoning and hurting their family members I guess it had given them a new discovery of themselves; one they craved and that they enjoyed. Was it a new found way of life for them? Or was it that everything that simply remained a secret or was once kept in dark; was being brought to the light when they came to New York City? I don’t know much about what made my family to turn from good, loving and caring to bad, malice and evil. What I do know is that while they were in the south everything that they engaged in, interacted in or were involved in was transparent and out for the world to see; their good, their evil and their worst selves. Evil just wasn’t acceptable by the super religious, God fearing, God loving folks in the south. Most of the south is made of very religious people and I don’t blame them, evil never did anything good for anyone so why bother allowing it in your life or entertaining it? Don’t.

When my family relocated to New York City, what played out in the dark was now being played out in bright lights. I was always told, by the old folks that surrounded me, that if you could make it in New York City then you could make it anywhere. I guess that they were right, that saying holds some truth. Because people that come from all across the globe often hurry on back to their home town after trying to make it in New York City, this is a hard city to survive in. It seems that this city has a way of offering you the worst troubles and struggles in life. This city, meaning my city, is a city which I have found to be so hard to survive in, love in and care my hardest in. All of the hard work that I invested into this city however soon paid off. My fights turned into victories and my reality turned from sorrows to glory and to the success of my present and future wins. I have always thought about leaving New York City; for a different environment, for a home, a place that illuminates calm and peace in its city. A place with nice weather, California perhaps, but on the other hand, I never had the balls or strength to leave this place. I love this city too much to decide. I guess that I am addicted to a city that I have struggled in the most. I have known this land all my life. How could I leave it and freely accept the act of discovering new ground, new experiences, new struggles and new pains of life. So with that, I have decided to stay here and make the best out of this home, until I cannot stand to make the best out of it any longer. This year, I think that I will be on my merry way to deciding on my move to a new and better place. But who knows? This place is home after all.

I guess only time will tell if I decide to stay. I grew up with nothing but the skin on my back and the tiny bit of hair on my head. I have learned a great lesson in life, and that is, to make your best good and your good your best. In simple words, it means, to cherish what you have and make it the highest goldmine that you can or else you will be miserable chasing a dream, an unrealistic illusion of materialistic hopes. As a youngster I can remember opting to living simply on love, because love is me at my very best, no strings attached. After all, love is free or at least it’s supposed to be. In life you will watch the very simplicity of it and its notion becomes the most conflicting and compromising trauma, destruction and heartache of others. That’s because some people choose to go against the very working medicine that nature provides and instead people opt out for tangible things, shallow behaviors and false living that goes against our genetic makeup for sincere and everlasting happiness. Humans were designed to live on love and truth and when we allow worldly things and false hopes to get in the way, it disrupts the natural process of life. Love is nature’s best, not materialistic which is usually in the form of money and possessions. It’s the essential and vital free makeup of life and that is LOVE. Get some people! It does the heart, mind and soul good and of course the body. Love is all you need, love should be the first physical sensation you wake up with, the first feeling you deliver to others and the last feeling you end your day with.

While you love, you should expect the ones you love, to return the same action that you have shown them. That is the behavior that you should always expect from the people you love. Now I am not saying go head and love on strangers and expect them to love you in return. I am however saying that those people that you have a clear understanding and close loving relationship with, should always offer you the same love that you have shown them. Just think of it this way, half a boat cannot get across the sea unless it has the other half. Remember to always live for love and respect and to give your goodness to others by sharing what you know that will teach or help the next person’s life. Donate your time to help those in need. It is love and purpose that will give the people of the world life. Live on it and live for it. Throughout my journey and the process of writing my book, I have experienced great relief, self-fulfillment, strength, courage and an immense amount of pleasure. This exceptional journey has enlightened me and has enhanced my ability to believe in the great impossible. It is with great gratitude and appreciation that I offer to you my journey, my life, my story. Without further ado I present to you, My Story in My Own Words, enjoy the astounding journey.

Bible Scriptures

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8: 31

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

1

A Glance at Terror

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As I reflect on my life, my struggles are very real. They are piercing and often very dark and painful at times. I battle with listening to folks telling me how perfectly imperfect and insane I was, all because I was born to the wrong bloodline. I was cursed to a blood line of adulterers, hurters and the greatest sinners. I was doomed from conception. I was a spirit on the other side of the realm hoping and praying for my second chance at life and there she was - my beloved mother from the Mississippi Bangs. All hopeless and pretty she was as she raised her several children into a world of deceit, betrayal, pain and hatred, in its most terrible despair.

Here’s my story, the blood truth. Living my life every moment to eat and survive. From the day I was born, I don’t think a motherfucker gave a damn about me. No one ever had any intentions to feed or cloth me and I am doubtful that they thought about teaching me about life and its struggles - the good, the bad and the very ugly; or how to conquer stillness or have faith in the midst of hardship and struggles. The day my sorrows began, I was too young to remember it. Most times my life felt like a mystery, as though I was in a dream - a deep dream, one that I couldn’t wake from. One that I fought so hard to wake from only to open my eyes to the horrors of the world. A world full of crying tears of pain and sorrows. This is the story of the reality that is my life, in all its pain, trial and glory.

My neighborhood was a cold fend-for-yourself kind of place. Everyone that lived there did more surviving than living. Growing up living such a hard life, I now battle with trying to be the perfect mother and the woman that has it all under control. That’s one thing that I could still do is hold my own while in the midst of great adversity. However, life catches up with you and no longer could I pretend to have it all together. Reality came knocking and eventually kicked down the door and left me speechless. Life happened. My struggles made me feel awful and to make matters worse, I am still here trying to survive. Let’s get real. I am not ashamed to admit my tragedies. The only sadness that I have is that I wish my child; nieces and nephews would not ever have to read this, because I am not proud of any of it. I was born to a woman that had given birth to six children before I arrived. She was a very carefree woman; confused about life and what it meant to be responsible and the things it required of her to maintain a civil and decent life for her and her children.

My mother was very neglectful towards her children. She always lived her life focusing on her own needs and wants, mostly ignoring her children’s needs. She lived and ran her life as though she was on a battlefield; fighting warfare with great anticipation, never knowing if she was going to return home safe and sound.

Welcoming You - Life happens when the good the bad and the ugly is presented, when one gets a taste of the madness I guess but then again it is possible that some of us have been troubled from the start of conception. You are what you see but then again you can be what you imagine

My mother often told my siblings and me about the horror stories she had experienced in the south growing up in the heart of Mississippi. One of her stories was how she had to pick cotton in order to survive and put food on the table to feed her several young children. While she worked in the cotton field, her eldest daughter took care of her younger siblings several times a week and for hours on end while my mother worked the field. My eldest sister was no older than seven years old when she had to care and feed all of her siblings while my mother worked the field. My sister cared for us with great love and sacrifice.

My mom always said that her life in Mississippi was far from ideal. She was beaten often, practically every day by her mother who would also eventually abandon her. Her most vivid recollection of her mother was that she would starve her for days on end. Her mother forced her to drink sugar water to lessen/ease her hunger urges. The last bit of sanity that she had left was taken away when her father attempted to rape her and later when her mother hit her in the head with the back of an axe, causing a large gash in her head which bled profusely. It is said by my mother’s sister that my grandmother once told my mother that if she ever abused her child in front of her ever again, she was going to kill her and leave her for dead. My mother’s sister also said that one day my mother flung my eldest brother, who was a newborn at the time, into the air, nearly causing him to land on a car before my grandmother caught him. It turns out that my grandmother went through with the initial threat that she made to my mother earlier on. After the incident occurred with my oldest brother, my grandmother went into her home, got an axe and hit my mother head on, leaving her for dead. She, however, survived the dangerous assault.

My grandmother was nicknamed Big Mama. Big Mama was no one to play with. My mother also claims that her father attempted to rape her many times and that her mother would force her to sleep with the landlord to eliminate the rent. She stated that when she was as young as 12 that her mother would force her to sleep with men so that she could purchase beer. My mother eventually snapped and her sanity went away for good.

My mother said that Big Mama was crazy and that she tried on many occasions to shoot her with a shot gun. Big Mama was one woman who prided herself on being a ‘zero tolerance for bull shit’ kind of woman. My mother was saddened by Big Mama’s actions but had an idea that her behavior was a repeated generational issue. However Big Mama did her best to care for her children; she even planted a garden of her own so that her children could have food to eat. She built an outhouse so that they would have a place to use the restroom and even built beds with her bare hands so that they may have some where to sleep.

She probably thought she did the best she could to care for her children. Although her behavior was abnormal at times but so was the behavior of others around her; so I guess to her, her behavior was normal because everyone else was doing what she had done. It was what she was taught growing up and probably all she knew. I don’t know what actually happened between them in those days but my mother seems to believe that the troubled behavior she herself later engaged in and exhibit was justified; I beg to differ. Although my mother does admit that she was a truly sick woman herself and most of her behavior contributed to her own sickness; but who knows. What do I think about the situation? I am not quite sure. I believe that we are all human beings just trying to survive this sometimes sick and cold world and that sometimes our behavior is less than justified but no one is perfect I guess. I will say however that I find it hard to excuse anyone’s bad behavior because of what they have been through, especially when they know better and can do better. And I know all too well that with faith and with the love of God that anyone can defeat their very own demons, in my opinion, but then again who knows. That’s my view on the situation. What I do know is that we must always try to do our best to take responsibility for our actions, point blank. No matter how terrible our past or current situation is, we must do our best to do what is right. But then again, everyone is different and I really don’t know what to say about how my mother should have internalized all of her hurt; I am not her and none the less this life is tough but God can be your GPS System if you allow him to guide your life.

It was rumored that my maternal grandfather’s family was exiled by local officials from their town in Mississippi because of the ruthless violence they engaged in amongst themselves, causing the town tons of trouble as their bloody fights and violence escalated. Their fights were so vicious and ruthless that it led to one of their sisters’ eye being knocked out during an altercation that occurred between her and another sister. When they were banished from the town it was then that they moved to New York City and began living new lives. However they still engaged in the same patterns of violence, affairs and alcohol abuse as when they lived in Mississippi. New York City is where most of them eventually settled in while they continued to collectively engage in these family behaviors. This time however it was in a place where violence was apparent and far too familiar. So what Mississippi local officials didn’t accept, New York City officials tolerated and the family’s true colors were now being shown without much barriers. The violence that my maternal grandfather’s family engaged in was unimaginable. My mother and oldest sister said that it was nothing like they had ever seen before; it was sinister. They would pull out knives and cut one another, they plotted against each other hoping to cause harm and it was scary. Many of them abused hardcore drugs with their children! They would also have affairs with each other’s significant other which would provoke very violent fights. It was love and sickness all at once.

My maternal grandfather allegedly molested all of his daughters as well as a grandchild of his. It is rumored that he fathered one of his daughter’s children. I am not really from the south but I hear that they tend to sex family members. Am I ashamed of this? Heck yes, it is an ultimate embarrassment. Whatever was going on with my so called family wasn’t really my concern; however, I like to deal with life with my eyes wide open if I can help it.

Here’s where I come in. I originally grew up in Washington Heights, New York. As a child, I loved playing outside on sunny days, hanging with the local friends and enjoying the unity, security and the ride-or-die loyalty my siblings had for one another. It was as if my mother had created a rock-solid body of soldiers that would inflict a massive destruction on any one whenever necessary. You see, my mother is a country girl. Well, that’s where she came from; but there was nothing country about my mother, who adored shiny things and everything, glitzy and glamorous. My mother wanted it all – everything that came with the New York City high rise lifestyle. The fast paced life, the quick money and the jewelry that comes along with the good fast wealthy living; and of course, the men.

She was interested in entrepreneurial men that engaged more in the illegal side of business; she wanted someone to take her away into the sun set. Until she fell down and life got real, real fast with her kids. My mother was one of many ghetto mentality women that lived their life for the now; for the instant gratification and the entitlement of it all. She was a part of a false, deluded society. A system and environment that believed that everyone owed her everything and that she was entitled to it all, even if she didn’t work a day for it. She believed that if her mother didn’t give it to her or if she was lacking it, then someone had to pay for the suffering she endured because she did not have it all and someone was going to pay by any means necessary. My mother was the type of woman who always and I mean always found a way to get even with anyone and everyone that she felt wronged her, or in her words, screwed her over. My mother wasn’t one to cry about her problems, she was the kind of woman that believed in solutions and results. If there was ever a problem with anyone my mother knew, she was always the one that everyone would go to, to find solutions to their problems and solutions she had - regardless of how unconventional those solutions were.

My mother never waited for things to happen. She made things happen. She was the master plan creator. My mother came to New York City in the Hip Hop era when baggy clothes were in, pretty women were in demand and all the slick pharmacists in her neighborhood wanted in on all the good that life had to offer. Most of the guys went out of town to make their money and there were many women in line to get involved with them. My mother wasn’t one of them. Instead, she became romantically involved with a man who assisted her with building her financial enterprise. She ran her own operation. She was considered to be one of the most powerful women in town. Trust and believe me, she took advantage of that title and gave it a whole new vicious, frightening and dangerous meaning. It was serious. My mother had a vision of how her life was supposed to be lived and that was never to leave the broke-down neighborhoods that increased her persona, gave her the ability to put food on the table, as well as provide her with the material pleasures of life such as sneakers, clothing and money to keep her kids in the hottest commodities on the block. After all they we were the most popular, overly respected and dangerous family in the neighborhood.

My mother had a reputation to uphold and she did just that. Although in the process she was silently and subconsciously creating an unhealthy, superficial and unrealistic lifestyle for her children to follow, which would lead to many of their down falls, costing some of them their safety and freedom. I am sure she didn’t think about the consequences of the teachings she provided to her children. My mother was a proudly sick woman, wrongfully misguided and mislead by her own beliefs that formed out of her own insanity. She created her wrongs with her ignorance and lived by her own very model of destruction; guiding her children by those very values.

Her mood would change from gentle rain to fierce lightning, to soft-as-snow in mere seconds. She could transform into a totally different person in the blink of an eye. One day she was sane and loving, and the next day she was unreasonably abusive, neglectful and uncaring; and in those very same moments she could be vicious and malicious all at once. I couldn’t really understand her behavior or the multiple personalities she displayed and the insane, spastic moments that she would have, were beyond me.

Sometimes my mother would become very angry. She would go on dangerous rampages, ripping her hair from her scalp, hitting herself, throwing dishes out the window. Then she would be very loving, caring and playful - but all this would last only very briefly. Then she would continue to beat and harm her children, go on carless insane rampages and be promiscuous, flirtatious with random men. Often times she behaved very childlike, having temper tantrums when she didn’t get her way and even compromising her children’s well-being, safety and security. She put us in many dangerous and heart-wrenching situations that lead to our destruction from the inside out. My mother was a walking time bomb among her children and would lead to their unanswered feelings of being unloved, hopeless, poor, feeling worthless and feeling as powerful as conquerors all at once. She was the nail that held the painting to the wall and the source that held the control of evil and good over her children. She was our leader and the main cause of our conflict and destruction. She was the very first woman we grew to know. She was our mother.

She broke nearly everything in our home out of insanity. I was too young to understand her behavior, but my eldest sister always managed to calm her down and direct my siblings to an empty room away from the incident so that we wouldn’t witness the mental break downs and insane episodes she would have. My eldest sister always behaved as a back bone for my mother, she was always her greatest support.

I took after my mother. I wasn’t much prone to suffering and I did anything and everything to prevent it. I was a straight-to-the-point kind of person and if I saw wrong in others, I called it just as I saw it and I had no problem addressing it accordingly. My world came crashing down once my siblings and I were separated. I couldn’t imagine life without my family, whether good, bad, indifferent or ugly. We struggled together, loved together, ate together, fought together and none the less starved together. We were one body of love and protection and we operated in that very fashion. Foster care hit us hard, especially when it was guaranteed that this wasn’t one of my mother’s typical temporary removals of custody of her children. I don’t think that my mother ever