For the Love of Zachary: A Mother's Love

By Marie Casperson

Marie Casperson is the mother of 3 wonderful children. At the time of this incident their ages were Keith 21, Zachary 17 and Arianne 14. Her children have an extreme closeness, love and respect for each other and for their mother. Her children are on top of the world with their lives. Healthy, popular, smart, lots of friends, good self-esteem, active in sports, very well taken care of by their parents, cars, 4-wheeler, jobs, savings accounts, and life couldnt be any better for the Casperson family.

Then one night Zachary went out with 8 of his friends just to have innocent fun driving 4x4 trucks in a pit. On this night there were about 30 kids riding cycles. A fight broke out between 24 and 17-year old kids and one boy got angry and ran the crowd with his vehicle. In one persons rage, little 17-year old Zachary ran for his life, but Zachary wasnt fast enough and he was physically crushed into the back of his friends pickup truck. As the criminal backed up his vehicle to flee, little Zac fell to the ground and this criminal ran over little Zacharys body a second time without a bit of remorse. 3 weeks later Zacs cousin Nick died in a motor cycle accident while riding with many kids from town in Zacs memory. This criminal is also responsible for another death.

This book is about what this criminal did to a family that had it all. What he did to a community of children who adored Zachary and Nick. In a moment of anger this criminal shattered so many lives. The Caspersons family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends all lost their innocence in just a few seconds. It tells of a Mothers Love who fought for answers and went up against the justice system and For the Love of Zachary she did not rest until someone heard her cries. How a criminal, a murderer, had more rights than the Casperson family. How For the Love of Zachary a community of children helped in this fight. Some hated each other and did not get along, but For the Love of Zachary they put their differences aside and stood strong.

This book was written in Memory of Zachary. It includes the writings of Zacharys mom in a journal since that horrible phone call on the night Zachary lost his life. It contains every experience, every heartache, every step that was taken to get through such a nightmare. It is a compelling story written to let people know how murder affects lives. It also shows the true meaning of the word LOVE! It tells of a Mothers Love that searches through books and God to find the answers to heal her hurting heart and as she finds these answers she continues to share them with the children. Zacharys love reaches out and shows them the way. Out of this love they all become very close and help each other heal.

After reading this book it will touch your life in some way. Maybe you lost a loved one to a murder or another reason and your life is still shattered. Maybe this book will help you heal your hurting heart. For the Love of Zachary his mother wants to help anyone who hurts from losing someone they love. Someone so precious that you want to die when they are ripped away from you! It is For the Love of Zachary that a Mothers Love found answers and helped her family and a community of children fight to get their lives back and made them all the strongest people that they ever could be. Stronger, better people! And it is the Love of Zachary shared between them that took them on this journey and it is the Love of Zachary that brought them back. To show you how Love Transcends All Time and how they are all proof of that!

Please open your heart to this book. It will enlighten your mind, your heart and your soul. And maybe you will become a stronger, better person after you open your heart and let all the love and understandings of life

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 11, 2005
• ISBN: 9781465323804

Book preview

Copyright © 2005 by Marie Casperson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and

retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright

owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

24215

Contents

INTRODUCTION

PREFACE

A MOTHER’S LOVE TO ZACHARY

MOTHER’S DAY YEAR AFTER YEAR

MEMORIES . . .

ENLIGHTENING VERSES

1998

1999

2000

2001

2002

2003

2004

CLOSURE

I REMEMBER . . .

I would like to dedicate this book to

my three most precious gifts that God has

given me, my beautiful children . . .

Keith, Zachary and Arianne.

To my nephew Nick, because if this

horrible nightmare hadn’t happened to my son,

Nick would still be with us.

To the five boys that took care of Zac on

the night that he was taken from me—

Danny, Chucky, Nick, Steve and Michael.

You will forever be in my heart . . .

To all the loving people who took the time to

give me all the love in their hearts and

to show me the beauty of life through

their eyes to help me heal my

Broken Heart

This book

is being written

in Memory of

Zachary

FOR ZACHARY

You are forever in my prayers . . .

You are forever in my mind . . .

You are forever in my heart . . .

Love,

MOM

OUR NICK NAMES FOR ZAC

Zacky Wacky

Wacky Zacky

Quack

Quacky Zacky

Sayings that best describe my Zachary:

Friend . . . a friend for life . . .

Zachary . . . was . . . no fear . . .

Never . . . is forever . . .

Sleep . . . Sleep . . . our beautiful angel . . .

We will love you . . . forever . . .

INTRODUCTION

God works miracles every day, but you must be tuned into them to see them. I learned that prayer works! God listens to mothers who pray for their children. I am proof of this. I have come to better understand God through all that has happened to me. I never knew before how beautiful the Love of God could feel. I always believed in God, ever since I was a little girl. I made God my best friend. I shared the good times and sad times. My mother raised us with little sayings that her father taught her and I lived by these sayings and taught them to my children. I remember hearing these sayings over and over again and as I grew up I began to live by them. They were beautiful and made sense to me.

Be good, if you are good, God will be good to you. (My favorite)

Don’t let anyone think they are better than you, but don’t you think you are better than anyone else.

Don’t get angry, God will take care of them.

God helps those who help themselves.

Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.

Chew with your mouth shut.

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Sit like a lady.

Act like a lady.

Don’t ever be disrespectful to an adult. Don’t curse at them.

Don’t curse in front of your sister and me. You don’t curse in front of a lady.

Shhhhhh don’t make noise, we’re in a doctor’s office.

Be quiet now, we don’t talk out loud.

A gentleman always opens a door for a lady.

A gentleman never curses in front of a lady.

You must give respect in order to receive respect.

There were others, but I can’t remember them all right now . . .

Through losing my son I talked to many people and learned so much more about life. Not having anyone to share my pain with I learned to ask Jesus to hold me and this worked and was such a huge help in my survival. There were times when I thought I would lose my mind I would lie on my bed and cry and it felt like forever. My body would actually ache with this horrible pain and my eyes would hurt and I would feel so weak. Before I would fall off to sleep, with swollen eyes and my broken heart, I would ask Jesus to hold me and I truly believed that he would. When I woke up I felt calm and relaxed as if someone had truly been with me and held me and wiped away my tears. I didn’t learn any of this in 9 years of Catholic school breeding. I can’t imagine that I never learned this before. Feeling in my heart that Jesus cares enough to hold me actually saved my life. This faith that I held onto all of my life was actually getting me through my stress from losing my precious Zachary. My belief in God, my firm belief, was helping me when I had no one to turn to. My faith began to heal me.

I know now that if I didn’t have my strong belief in God through the years I would have definitely fallen apart when I lost my precious son. I truly love my children with all my heart and without one of them to see every day is such a horrible pain. Recently, I tried to think back through the years of an exuberantly joyous time in my life and I couldn’t remember any while growing up. Everything back then was just okay. I realized then that raising my children was the most joyous time in my life! I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom and I didn’t work for 12 years and I spent every day with them and truly enjoyed them to the fullest and that is definitely why my children and I are so close. I respected them and they grew up respecting me, which is unusual of children today. That respect is love. It was our love for each other that got us through losing Zac. Through feeling Zac’s special love for us and feeling our special love for Zac I know in my heart that it was that unconditional, genuine, true love that helped us. Love is a Gift.

I taught my children to be kind, understanding and good. That teaching is what actually ended my son’s life and I totally blamed myself. My son was safe where he was and then he decided to help a friend, and helping his friend put him in an unsafe place. I know now that I did the right thing in teaching my children all the love in my heart along with goodness and kindness, but it took me many months to actually be able to say it to myself.

People were kind enough to give me versus in the Bible to read and they enlightened my mind too. The Bible was written over a 40year period and many years before I lost my precious son. The Bible said things that helped me. They didn’t write this book just for me. This book has been in existence a very long time. Then I realized how kind and good God is because even though Adam and Eve sinned, God inspired this book to be written to actually help us through any kind of sickness or pain. God loves us an awful lot to turn around and have a book written just for us to help us in any situation.

In reading these versus I also, for the first time, realized what the Blessed Mother must have gone through because she also lost a son whom she loved and adored. Her son’s purpose on this earth was to die for all God’s children so we could get into heaven. Jesus, the human man, was afraid to die. He prayed in the desert for his father, God, to give him the strength to do what he had to do. My mind began to analyze so many things and I began to see and hear from many of my son’s friends of how they were changing and I began to feel in my heart that Zac’s purpose may have been to change so many lives on this earth too. I miss him with all my heart and the pain is unbearable. If this could be true on my son’s part, then I feel honored and proud just by being Special Zac’s Mom.

When this happened I began reading books to understand things and one told of a husband that died and his wife felt that before he died he actually left her signs that he was leaving this earth. She also felt that it was their close love for each other that she was able to see this. I started to cry when I read this because I also saw signs in a two-month period before my son was taken from me. They were everywhere. I saw it with his friends too. And, even a year later a friend of Zac’s would tell me something and I would cry because that was their goodbye from my Zac before he was taken. My children and I have a tremendous beautiful love for each other and I now know that it is the gift of love between Zachary and me that I was able to see these signs. I knew at the time that things were so out of the ordinary, but things were moving so fast that I couldn’t piece it together. When my son was taken from me I wrote everything in my journal and it was then that I realized these as signs. As you read my book you will hopefully understand and feel it too. It seems as though the earth stood still for me so I could get a grip, and a beautiful understanding came to me that these were gifts that my son was giving to me from beyond and it felt so beautiful. I could feel all his beautiful unconditional love that he left for me. I love my precious Zachary with all my heart and it is actually that love that is saving my life now.

To share such a close love with your child, a forever love, I understand now that these were signs from my son. I feel that his soul actually helped me get through my pain. When such a tremendous love is ripped away from you your body and mind go into a whirlwind and you don’t know when or where it will stop. Love from my heart reached out and wanted to find answers and I would not rest until I did all I could do. Love is what transcended from my son to me and Love, true love, truly does transcend all time! I am proof of that. Love is such a beautiful thing and I am so proud and honored that I shared all that love with my precious children. Love is free, it doesn’t cost anything and it means so much to people. Love is a bond between people and that bond is forever. There are days when I feel all the love in my heart for my nephew Nick and I can feel his love and my heart feels like it will overflow with all Nick’s love and my precious baby Zachary’s love too. My heart actually feels like it will burst because I have so much love in it. Although, that is when I am having a very good day! And, yes, there is a day once in a while when the hurt leaves for a time and sunshine actually does comes in. Then one day you wake up and no matter what you do you cry and nothing you do will stop the tears. It is like an emotional roller coaster and its shear hell!

After much reading and searching I began to feel an inner peace. Such a peace that I had never in my life felt before. My life began to get simpler now. I was more relaxed now. Everything in my life didn’t have to be done immediately or perfect. As I began to realize and feel my son around me I began to get more focused and stronger. I am a much stronger person now than I ever was before. I get my strength from Zac’s love. I see his precious face and I feel his love and I get through my roughest days. That love reaches out to Arianne and Keith too. Keith, Zachary, Arianne and I have a tremendous love for each other and through Zac now I can actually feel his love in my heart and I get my strength to be there to help my precious Keith and Arianne. I love them so much too and I will do whatever I must to keep them strong. I would give up my life for them. Some days I still wish I would die because the pain of not seeing my precious baby Zachary is so hard. But all the love in my heart gets me focused and I know I need to be here for Keith and Arianne. My love will help them with the rest of their lives. This horrible nightmare will be with us forever and I know that they can’t get through this alone. I need to show them the way and to be there for them, always.

I need to be here for Zac’s friends and also help them. I have been doing all I can out of that love for Zac too. And the most beautiful thing of all is that these kids love me back! Through Zachary’s love, the love that he left behind and the love he is showering on us now, we are all getting closer. We are all helping each other get through losing someone we love so much. Zachary actually has us all loving each other and worrying about each other and putting each other’s needs ahead of our own. (I read somewhere once that, love is . . . putting someone else’s feelings ahead of your own.) It is amazing, I know in my heart that all Zachary did his entire life was to smile and love everyone and anyone. His little precious soul had a grip on love and he gave his love to so many of us and now that love is helping us. All of us, who had the privilege of knowing my son Zachary Casperson, know exactly what I am talking about. Zachary Casperson was LOVE and he showed us his unconditional love each and every day. He constantly made our hearts laugh and for that we will never forget him.

When Zac was in 4th grade in St. Peters School in order to stay in that school I had to agree to have him tested by the Catholic Child Study Team. I wanted Zac to learn about God so I agreed to it. Zachary passed their tests with very high scores. He also passed their psychiatric testing and did very well. My children scored high on tests, usually in the 96 or 98 percentile. When I left that room and the way they presented their side to me I barely made it around the corner when I burst into tears. They made me feel that there was no hope for my little son. They were horrible! I was younger then and more vulnerable and I didn’t fight back because I believed that nuns and priests were up there, next to God. A nun walking by me saw my heartache and grabbed my arm and took me into another room. She saw how upset I was. One of the things she told me and I never forgot this, Your son, Zachary, will be fine. The one thing that will get your son through the rest of his life is the love of his mother. Be strong, your love, as his mother, will save him. When I left that room I knew in my heart that whatever it took I would fight for my son. Whatever it took, for the rest of my life, I would be there for Zac and help him. And I did, from that moment on I learned to believe in my son and understand him and I had to go up against some teachers, principals, police officers and who would have ever believed a judge for my son. My children, all three of them, never lied. Zac never lied and he made me strong because I fought back the injustices these people, grown people, were forcing on him. I began to realize that some of these grown people out in the world teaching and educating our children were just plain jerks. They acted like children when they didn’t get their way and every day when we send our children to school these are the childlike teachers that are there for our children. You can’t imagine what I have seen in the past few years. Sometimes when I had to come up against a particular teacher or principal, I saw with my own eyes how they acted. Our schools should start changing for our children, but that takes too much work and the state probably doesn’t want to get involved. Our children suffer. The little children suffer and no one cares! No one cares! Children really do suffer because no one cares to fight back! But, I did! I am glad now that I got tough! Children, all children need us to get involved as parents. We, all of us need to get off our butts and fight for our children. Stop letting teachers with their higher education treat your children this way! Make a difference for your child. Fight!

In the beginning I requested records from the DA’s office and went to bat with them. I needed to know everything that happened that night. I put each piece together like a huge puzzle and I never gave up. My children were worried about my running and writing and doing, but they hung in there with me. For the Love of Zachary, I just couldn’t give up. It hurt so much finding out everything, but I needed to do this. Each new piece of the puzzle broke my heart and I cried for so many long hours with each new form of information. I wrote letters to places requesting copies because the courts wouldn’t allow me anything until the case was settled. I just needed to know what happened that night. I needed to feel it with my heart. I needed to know in order to survive. Every where I wrote my letters they gave me the run around, but I couldn’t give up. I was possessed with all this energy and drive and I drove the people around me crazy. It was as though I was on this mission and the mission had to be completed immediately or something more horrible would happen to my children or me. It was also like I was running, running for my life and something inside me kept pushing and pushing. In doing this running, at the end of the day I would be so tired that when I fell to sleep I conked out!

When I attended the hearings each month regarding the state against Zac’s murderer, I wanted the Judge to see that I was there each month for my precious son. I also mailed the Judge copies of my journal describing what my children and I were going through. I also gave him a copy of my journal of Zac’s history of his precious life since the day he was born. I mailed pictures of Zac with descriptions on the back of each picture so the Judge would get to know my son as a person and not a statistic. I wanted to make a difference for my son. I was told that the Judge would read whatever I gave him, so I let him have it! At the day of sentencing, almost 2 years later, the Judge told me that he read everything I gave him regarding Zachary and that he actually read it all two times. He treated me with such respect and he mentioned to me that before he read all my writings he never knew what a family went through regarding a murder. Maybe my writings will help another poor person who is suffering the loss of their loved one. I truly hope that I made a difference. I need to do this for Zachary. I would do anything for one of my children. Anything . . .

I hope my story will inspire others to fight back. My advice to those who lost loved ones to a murder, or for any other reason, is to read books. When you can’t cry anymore, pick up one of the books I have listed and read. Heal your heart by better understanding where your loved ones may be. To better understand how to help your remaining siblings get through each new day. To better understand why people around you are treating you in such a different way. Not to focus on all the bad and to reach out and find the true meaning of life and the hereafter that will soothe your soul. To learn that others are watching you and if you are in control of your life, then it will help them get control of theirs. To learn that children grieve differently than adults. A small child will act out their grief with toys or by actions. Adolescent children, their grief will hit a year or two later, but when it hits you will know it. It will hit them like a lightening bolt and you must be aware of it and be ready to help them fight to get their lives back. Otherwise, instead of losing one victim to the murderer, you will lose another. To learn that no doctor, psychiatrist, counselor can help you completely, the only healing must come from within yourself. No one can heal your heart. You must actually fight to get your life back. It will never be the same life as you had before, but it will be a life. If you fight to get it back you will be a stronger person than before. You will probably become the strongest person that you ever could be. To learn that prayer does work, God does listen to us. To learn that you can put your worries into God’s hands and forget about them and God will work them out for you. This truly does work too. God is always with us and he listens to us and he loves us. God will help us get through our toughest times, just like the poem footprints where through the rough times God carries us on his back. Please, believe in this and learn to feel it. Feel it in your hearts that God is there for us and that God is LOVE. To learn to love everybody and in turn they will love you back and then they will go and love someone else and this will spread love everywhere. To learn to open your hearts to all this beautiful understanding and let it give you such an inner peace. Some people leave this earth and never find this inner peace. You will if you open your heart to it. To learn what to expect weeks before the birthday of the person that was murdered. To learn what to expect weeks before the anniversary date of the murder itself. To learn what to expect weeks before the Holiday’s because there will be outbursts of anger in your surviving children when the loss hits them that their brother or sister will never be with them again. When the reality sets in it is not a pretty picture. Be strong! Be ready to fight back! Fight for your own life and fight for your children!

Just remember that I love you too and I want you to experience all the love and understanding that I found when I went looking for it. I want those of you to experience the beauty of life even when part of you still wants to die. I want you to experience the love that transcends all time, the love our loved one leaves behind for us. They leave us gifts behind. You must feel their love and in doing this you will find your special gifts. I can see many gifts my precious baby Zachary left behind for me, my children, my family and many of Zachary’s special friends. They don’t see this yet, but I do. I truly do! I can see the many gifts my nephew Nick left for his mother and his brother and sister too. Their love stays with us . . .

Love is a Gift

I hope with all my heart that my writing this book for you has in some way helped you or changed your life. I have also included 248 pages of beautiful poems that I collected for Zachary. If you let them, these poems will help to open your heart to a new beginning.

PREFACE

As a Mother’s Love I need to get this story published for my son Zachary. I feel with all my heart that his story is a story that must be told. I am compelled to do this in honor of his dear memory, for my children, for my sister and her children, and for a community of children that are suffering. I feel compelled to do this For the Love of Zachary

My precious son, Zachary, was murdered at age 17 on March 7, 1998 while riding 4x4 pickup trucks in a pit. Zachary was just out to have innocent fun with his friends because he wasn’t able to drive legal on the road yet. He had lost his license privilege for 6 months at age 15 for riding his 4-wheeler on our streets. Zac couldn’t receive his license until he reached age 17½. My precious son had just turned 17 exactly 6 weeks before he lost his life. He never had the chance to get his license. Zac loved to 4-wheel at this pit during the daytime and did so for many years. According to his friends this was the first time they ever went to the pit at night. My son’s coroner’s report showed very little beer content and no drugs in my precious baby’s body. Zac did not do drugs! The criminal that murdered my son that night, I believe in my heart had to be on all kinds of drugs and I know for a fact that he was very drunk.

Three weeks later many children from town were riding their cycles and 4-wheelers at a pit in Voorhees in Zac’s memory and my nephew, Nick, lost his life in a motor cycle accident and the person he had the accident with also died. And, on top of all this, my son and daughter witnessed my nephew right after the accident. My family and I feel that if my son hadn’t been murdered then my nephew would still be alive today. This murderer took so much from our family. Many murderers in our country kill every day, but it goes unnoticed and no one really cares. I care! My precious Zac cares, my children care, my sister cares, her children care, and many children in our community care! My book will show how a community of children stood together. They stood tall and cared about their friend who was snuffed out one night. They helped me fight the judicial system and it helped my precious son. Whenever I contacted these children for their help regarding my precious Zachary’s case they immediately jumped in and helped me and never questioned anything. They were great. It was an amazing thing to see. At times, when so many children from our community would come out together to honor Zachary and Nick, you would have children who hated each other, but on this day they would all put their differences aside and come out and act as friends in their love for the boys. With my own eyes I witnessed things and they impressed me so much that I kept my journal. I have seen so much in the past 5½ years and it has totally changed my life for a lifetime and many of the children have changed too.

To survive, I started a journal to document my feelings. I began from the minute I received that devastating phone call on that horrible night in March. I was living a nightmare and being a single parent I had no one that I could turn to who would help me. No one understood what I was going through. So, I documented every feeling and every emotion to the fullest. These are feelings that I would never be able to recapture again. I put them in written form and by doing this it was therapy for me. I found out later that it was actually a healing process. As time went on I decided to have a book written from my journal for my precious son so people would be made aware of what murder does to a family. I felt in my heart that I would do this For the Love of Zachary. For my love for Zac I would let people know what happened after we lost him. I wanted the world to know what his murderer did to him that night and how the system overlooks what he did. How a system protects the criminal and my son didn’t count at all. His life didn’t matter to anyone. It mattered to me!

March 7, 2000 was the 2-year anniversary for my son and my heart was crying way in advance before that date arrived. I couldn’t believe that my mind didn’t tell my heart, but my heart already knew and I found myself in a severe depression and the tears wouldn’t stop. My eating stopped and it is amazing how much a human heart can hurt. I kept reliving the last moments of my son’s precious life over and over again and the pain was unimaginable and unbearable. The pain puts you back to that horrible night and you hurt all over again. On March 6th, as I was pulling into my driveway, I flashed back 2 years ago when I last saw my son sitting on our front step. He had his beautiful smile and he was waving a huge goodbye to us as I was leaving to drive my daughter somewhere. My heart triggered my brain that this was the last time I saw my precious beautiful baby alive! It hurt so much to envision his precious body on our steps. Like a lightning bolt it hits you that Zac isn’t here and that it has been 730 days that I haven’t seen my son. Within seconds I was crying hysterically in my car and I couldn’t find the strength to walk into my home! Later in the evening of March 6th, I had been crying and my older son comforted me and I told him, You don’t understand Keith, 2 years ago, this same night is when Zachary took his last breath. I can’t believe how upset this made me. I couldn’t get this out of my mind. I kept reliving over and over again the last moments of his precious life and the pain is horrible! The pain hurts so much from every part of my body and sometimes I still want to just die!

I never thought I would be writing a book, but circumstances happen in your life and these circumstances mold you into the person that you become. As I was growing up I was very talkative to everyone and anyone. As I got older I got quieter. I only talked a lot if I knew you very well. My mother raised us to always act like a lady and my mind was brainwashed to always be in control. As the years went by I never actually knew how to have fun. To get up in front of a class or audience was unheard of to me because that part of me was always very shy. I guess I thought that it would be very unladylike to get up in front of people and make a fool of myself. I couldn’t imagine that I could get up and laugh and make a joke and all would be well. We were raised very serious. My parents are of Italian decent and we were always sheltered very much from life. You just never questioned anything. I wanted to go to college and my father said No and I never questioned it after that. Now that I think back I could have worked and went to college too. Back when I was young when your father spoke it was like God spoke down from heaven directly to you and you listened! We wouldn’t think of going against our parents. We were raised with too much respect for our elders.

Respect is a good thing to be taught. I firmly taught my children that same Italian respect that I was taught. In turn, that respect was imbedded into their brain and it also helped them to respect themselves. My children all grew up with this respect for others and for themselves. When you respect yourself it lets you learn to love yourself. My children respected each other, they never stole from each other, they never lied, they were never jealous of each other. We truly had a genuine love for each other. We truly had fun with each other. We were always laughing and having a good time. A lot was taken from us, ripped away from us, and I know that we will never get any of it back.

I would like to take this opportunity now to let you read my journal so that you can realize what a horrible thing murder is to a family. Murder is a devastating thing to survive and For the Love of Zachary I would like people to be made aware of what followed the death of my precious son. Zachary was truly an inspiration to us all and a good friend to many of the children.

Zachary touched many lives in

his beautiful 17 years!

My nephew Nick also

touched many lives in

his beautiful 25 years!

My father, Ralph, their grandfather,

also touched many lives in

his 63 years!

A MOTHER’S LOVE TO ZACHARY

(by Marie Casperson)

I don’t need a special day to bring to mind

For days without a thought of you are hard to find

Memories of you will always be in my tears

Regardless of all the passing years

Words cannot explain how much I miss your smile

I feel as though I had you for such a short while

The memories will have to last me for all time

Since the day you were born I thought you were mine

I miss your precious face and all the laughter

I don’t know how to live without you forever after

You showed us all your crazy faces and your fun

Now all I look for is places to run

This is all so horrible to believe that you are gone

There isn’t a day that my heart isn’t undone

I find it so hard to come to terms to let you go

I pray for the strength to help my heart continue to grow

When you were taken from me I thought I would die

It seemed as time went by I would forever cry

Zachary you are such a precious love within my heart

I can’t believe that we were forced to forever part

Where ever I go I see memories of beautiful days with you

My heart continuously cries out that this cannot be true

It was just yesterday that you were born into my heart

I walk around in a daze not knowing where to start

You truly are an angel that touched my life

I will keep your precious memory alive until the day I die

From a Mother’s Love to her precious son

Zachary, my heart will love you forever and beyond

MOTHER’S DAY YEAR AFTER YEAR

(Casperson—TCF 2004)

Zachary, Zachary my lifelong friend

I want you back again to this pain I see no end

You were so young and had so much life to live

Your life was taken and all you ever did was give

My 7th Mother’s Day without my Zac

I’m tired of missing you and want you back

A pain so severe I am truly trying

I’ve done this long enough my heart is dying

Some days I feel as though I still don’t belong

My family needs me and I want to be strong

It hurts so much I want to die because I ache

And yet I try and try and feel like such a fake

As a Mother’s Heart I feel so sad and all alone

All of us were so happy and the sky was our own

I go into a crying depression that lasts and lasts

My heart feels so heavy as I run from the past

I’ve been running for six years and my body feels old

I miss you my sweet angel and I want to give up

I’m tired of acting to get through a day

I’m tired of showing everyone that I am okay

I’m hurt and I’m sad and life isn’t the same

I need to see your face and love you again

I need to love you Zac I’m tired of the game

I’m hurt and don’t know if I can do this to remain

I will never end my life and will try and try

Why did you leave me and make me cry

I know this trying and trying is tiring me out

I feel so selfish and so angry and then I pout

A world without my child feels empty at times

I open my heart and my attitude climbs

Even though my life is full and I feel so blessed

With my baby granddaughter I dance like the rest

Life goes on now and I’m too busy to cry

Although there are days when I still want to die

Zachary why did you leave and now we’re apart

No one will ever understand the pain in my heart

Mother’s Day will come and go year after year

I will learn to live my life through you without fear

Our family is growing now and they are just great

Don’t worry about me . . . I promise to wait . . .

MEMORIES . . .

(by Marie Casperson)

Little baby Zac

Little toddler Zac

Little pre school Zac

My little sickly child

My 4-year old Zac

Learning to ride his bike

Learning to walk

All the birthdays

All the Christmas’

All the Halloweens

Realizing that girls exist

All the showers for the girls

All the brushing of teeth for the girls

Braces with a beautiful new smile

Skate boarding years

Skater clothes and shoes

4-wheeling and all the dirty, dirty clothes

Nike and Reebok clothes

Races in Philly

Sneaking to the shore at 14 and becoming a man

Starting his first job

Beginning to look and act like my Father

Preparing his mustang to drive

Getting ready to shave for the first time

Cutting our lawn, washing my car, loving our animals

And then . . .

A future that my child will never see

A future that was taken from him

Not even a chance to get his license

Such pain, such exhausting pain

Such disbelief and hurt

Such a feeling of confusion

Such a feeling of waiting

Such a feeling as if I am lost in time

Wanting to go back

Wanting to be whole again

Wanting another Christmas together

Wanting another second together

Hurt feelings of not holding my son

Hurt feelings of not getting to say good-bye

Hurt feelings of not getting to tell him I love him

When I die wanting all my children to hold me

So much is lost. So much is gone.

So much pain. So much sadness

Tears that will continue forever . . .

An emptiness in my heart . . .

Pain that will last a lifetime . . .

My precious love I will love you forever . . .

Zachary Casperson, I love you . . .

There is a sunrise for each soul

For life not death is God’s promised goal

So trust God’s promise and doubt him never

For only through death can man live forever

ENLIGHTENING VERSES

Life does not end when we die. Death is a rebirth into a spirit world of light and love, a transition from the physical to the spiritual that is no more frightening or painful than passing between rooms through an opened doorway. It is also a joyful homecoming to our natural home, a return to the Creator who sent us here and who welcomes us back with loving arms.

Dreams have always been an important part of our expanded awareness of the spiritual realm. They can provide a gateway for communication from our loved ones in the spirit world and can also connect us with our higher self and God.

We are here on earth to grow spiritually, by using our free will to create the actions that determine the course of our lives.

After the death of our body, we have a life’s review where we experience the ripple effect of our creativity.

We grow spiritually when we have lived through a painful experience. That experience is often preparatory to the work that lies ahead.

Unconditional love is the test in all our lives that will bring us to a greater understanding of ourselves.

By judging others we display the shortcomings in ourselves.

Many people experience similar feelings, as if the soul is reaching out to a person that they love to let that person know ahead of time that they are leaving.

The spirit can sometimes know that the time for its rebirth in death is approaching and can sometimes know in advance and will leave you signs. Many spirits reach out in this way to loved ones, sometimes even letting them know not just when they will die, but how.

Many spirits try to contact loved ones from time to time—when we need them. They appear to us in ways that we can accept. We’re most accessible to them when we are dreaming or meditating, but their visits can take many forms.

I read a story of a woman that lost her husband and she experienced tremendous healing once she opened her heart to the love that her beloved husband still had to offer. A love that guided her out of the darkness of fear and doubt in which she had been trapped. The woman cherished her twenty-two years of marriage and the memories of a man who loved her enough to somehow send her help from above.

I cried through my readings because I myself felt these things about my precious Zachary. If you open your heart too you may be able to feel. I saw signs 2 months before Zac left me because everything was so out of the ordinary for him. I saw all this before reading books.

Zac and I were very close. I have always been very close with all my children. The love stays with us and I believe in my heart that he is helping me from above. I feel it. I also feel that Zac will always take care of us all. I may sound wacky, but after reading many books I can feel my son. I feel the love. Zachary and my nephew Nick are truly watching over us. Talk to your loved one and feel their love. They still feel all our love too!

24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf24215-CASP-layout.pdf

** Articles reprinted courtesy of the Courier-Post.

The Courier-Post grants you permission to use the following articles in your upcoming book:

Car plows into crowd, kills youth, by Jeremy Kohler,

March 8, 1998.

Friends mourn for teen whose life was cut short

Delair residents voice concerns about crime, by Sean Kim, March 17, 1998

Suspect in ‘Pit’ killing loses bid for lower bail, by Jeff Beach, March 17, 1998

Friends say goodbye to Pennsauken teen killed at ‘The Pit’, by Sean Kim March 12, 1998

Two cousins lost lives in Camco dirt-bike pits, by Monica Lewis, April 1, 1998

Service draws nearly 200, by Mike Franolich

Driver who killed teen in crowd pleads guilty to manslaughter, August 17, 1999

Pennsauken man indicted in slaying at teen hangout,

August 28, 1998

Pennsauken man gets 14 years for running down teen,

by Kathy Hennessy October, 16, 1999

**Reprinted with permission from The Philadelphia Inquirer.

THE PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER grants you non-exclusive permission to reprint the following articles:

Pennsauken youth killed during melee at the pit" byline: John Way Jennings & Karen Auerbach.

Suspect in teen’s death loses bid for lower bail byline: Scott Fallon.

A year later, Pit bikers mourn deaths byline Mike Madden.

Driver pleads guilty in teen’s death at Pit byline: Mike Madden.

In plea bargain, killer gets term of 14 years byline: Mike Madden.

1998

March 7th

2:00am: Phone call by Nick: Zac’s been in an accident at the pit and they’re putting him in an ambulance. At first I thought it was Zac putting his friend up to their usual practical joke. Through the years both my boys would call and say they were at the police station to come pick them up so I would freak over the phone and it worked every time because I would get all upset and they just loved to tease me. I said at least 2 times Nick, put Zac on the phone because I thought they were playing games. When I realized that he was not kidding, I immediately started to hyperventilate and I started jumping up and down. Somehow I got myself focused and asked where they were taking Zac. Nick asked someone and I heard them say for me to go to the Trauma Hospital. I don’t remember hanging up the phone or saying good-bye. I jumped into hyper-drive and ran to get my clothes. I shimmied and shoved clothes off and on me and kept talking to myself, telling me what to grab so I could get out of there fast. Somehow I ran downstairs to get Al because I did not want to drive alone. I tugged at his arm and told him that Zac was in an accident and we had to get to the hospital fast. He was barely awake and his face looked so puzzled and when he figured out what I had said he jumped right up. I quickly phoned my mother to come to the house for Arianne because Keith was still out. Arianne had a friend sleep over and I knew if my daughter woke up without a grown-up in the house, she would have freaked.

Al drove and we did not talk. I couldn’t breathe and it took everything inside me to hold on and wait until we reached the hospital. We got to the hospital and no Zac! I then phoned home to see if my mother had gotten there for Arianne and mom was there. I told mom that we were fine and we were waiting to see Zac. A few minutes passed, that seemed like hours, and I couldn’t believe the ambulance wasn’t here yet. All of a sudden an employee of the hospital came out from the emergency room doors and said that they decided not to bring Zac to the hospital and that we were to go to the Police Station. I quickly shot over to a phone and called my mom again from the hospital and to tell her that Zac was fine and that we had to pick him up at the police station. I told her to call my sister so she wouldn’t worry. As we drove to the police station I began to feel relief in knowing that Zac was out of danger and had maybe a broken arm or leg and the police would give him a couple of tickets and we would take him home. As I began to relax, my breathing wasn’t labored anymore. At the police station we had to wait so I ran into the ladies room because my stomach was a mess and my nerves were out of control and I had this tremendous diarrhea and I felt like I needed to throw up. They called my name so I hurried out.

Usually when I had to pick up my boys at the police station, for little mischief things, they always took me through different doors in another part of the police station. I couldn’t understand why the officers were taking us to a different room away from where I had been before. When I walked through the doors, that I had never been through before, I looked for Zac and turned and asked the officer real calm, Where’s Zac? He didn’t answer me right away, but asked us to sit down. I got this panicky feeling in my stomach and I backed away from the officer and I screamed as loud as I could, Where’s my son? Within seconds the calmness I was feeling when we left the hospital was gone. My body became shocked again and I found it so hard to breathe. The one officer had this weird look on his face and he reached his hand out toward my arm as if to console me. As he began to open his mouth, my mind slowed down so bad that I began to feel far away from him, floating way out in space and this officer is going to talk, and I can’t hear him because he is so far from me. My body is so out of control by now that it feels like my insides will jump right out of my skin at any minute. I just want my son and I can’t imagine what this officer wants to say to me that I want to hear. I could feel my entire body drain of all the energy inside me in anticipation of what he was going to say. I can’t comprehend this look on his face but this look began to freak me out. I don’t know why I began to feel so shaky. I could feel my knees buckling and I wanted to throw up. I got this ache in my stomach and such a feeling of nausea and he didn’t even get the words out of his mouth out yet. This haunting horrible look is on his face and I began to feel that if he didn’t speak soon I would explode all over him like a volcano that just blew it’s top. His mouth was still open and I stood so still, I actually froze like a statue and by now, I somehow, for some reason, did not want to hear his voice. I did not want to hear what he had to say. In the pit of my stomach it hurts and I don’t know why, but I knew at that instant that I did not like this officer because of this look on his face and yet I didn’t know why he bothered me so much. I just want my son! I just want the officers to find Zac and let us go home. Everything feels like slow motion and it seems as if the world stood still for me and I waited and anticipated his words, which were taking forever.

The officer began to slowly say the words, There’s no easy way to put this . . . and I immediately started screaming No, No, No. The officer didn’t have to say any more words because somehow I knew what he was going to tell me. I screamed and jumped and cried all at the same time and I did this for quite a long time. He had this look of disbelief all over his face and he put his head down and said, I’m sorry . . . My mind couldn’t fully comprehend why he was saying this! My son is fine. We just left the hospital and they told me that he’s here, waiting to see me. In my heart and mind Zac was fine. I never believed for a minute that he wasn’t fine. I never could believe for a minute that they would tell me that my son . . . died . . . Al quickly grabbed onto me and held me as hard as he could and would not let me go. He was so upset that he smothered me and he was afraid to let me go because he didn’t know what I would do next. I broke free of him and walked toward the counter and just rested my face on it. My head felt so heavy that I needed to put it down. I began to feel like I was watching TV or in a dream and this horrible shock isn’t happening to me. The officers were very nice and they tried to console us, but by now I had no idea what they were saying. My mind blocked out everything they said. Everything began to spin round and round. Out of nowhere, this complete calm came over me and I went totally numb. I could not move. I literally shut down. I should have asked where my son was? I should have asked to see him right then and there. I should have gone to find Zac. I should have demanded to see him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t think because all this was too much for my brain and body to handle. I should have driven my own car and went to find my son. He was still out there and I didn’t try to find him. What kind of mother am I? I could have been with Zac and I didn’t think of it! These thoughts came to me later, but it was too late for me to be with my son. I can’t bear to think that these moments slipped away from me and I did nothing. Zachary was out there alone and maybe he was waiting for me. He needed his mom and I wasn’t there for him. I feel like such a bad mom. I love my children so much, but I wasn’t there for my precious son.

The officers offered to drive us home and we accepted. I don’t remember walking out of the police station. Al and I were in a police car and another officer drove our car to the house. From that moment on into the next few days wherever I went or whatever I did, I was directed and told where and what to do. I totally shut down. My mind was totally blank and empty. I actually felt like I was dead . . . I could see everything with my eyes and hear voices around me, but I didn’t feel like I was breathing or moving.

3:00 or 4:00am: Keith had gotten home before us and knew something was wrong because my mother was at the house and Al’s car was gone and we were both out, which is very unusual for us to be out. An officer opened the door and reached over and took my arm and escorted me to my home. Keith somehow knew by our faces and began to scream and yell as loud as he could. He started banging his head into the wall over and over again and he kept yelling. His father quickly grabbed him and hugged him and held onto him as hard as he could to keep Keith from hurting himself. Keith had lost his best friend 18 months ago to murder and Chris was like a brother to Keith. I looked up the stairs at my dear little mother who was standing there not knowing what was going on and I turned and somehow got the strength and energy to tell her, We lost Zac mom, he died. She looked so lost and confused and said But you called and said that he was all right. She was at the top of the stairs and I walked up toward her because she needed me, it took forever to walk up the stairs. I held onto the railing and slowly pulled myselt up to her, one step at a time. She was frozen, all bent over, and I wanted to get to her. Mom seemed so distant and she kept looking into space. I grabbed onto her for dear life and we hugged and we cried. My body is numb and there is this tremendous disbelief and I am talking and not believing what is coming out of my mouth. My daughter and her friend somehow managed to sleep through all the yelling and confusion.

Keith wouldn’t calm down. He kept saying, No, not Zac, not Zac. I’m the bad one! Not Zac! I’m the one that did bad things; Zac was always so good mom. I’m the bad one! I’m the one that should die not Zac. And then he began shaking and yelling, Not Zac, mom! I’m the bad one! No, not Zac! I kept telling Keith that he only did all the big brother things to Zac that all big brothers do. That he was never mean to Zachary and that Zachary totally loved him with all his heart. I held him and we cried. I kept talking to Keith to get him to calm down. I was a total mess inside myself, but Keith was out of control and he needed me. I got Keith to come down to his room and we had a few shots of Amaretta and we rested on his bed. I stayed with him until he fell asleep. I feel so drained and motionless. I feel like a Zombie. I feel so empty and sad. My mind feels so empty and all I know