Country Goose and Killer: Sinister Short Fiction

By Kelly A. Jacob

COUNTRY GOOSE AND KILLER is a short-fiction anthology spanning two decades in the work of Kelly A. Jacob. The stories deal primarily with themes of betrayal, revenge, and the psychological horror of severe dissociation from reality.

Jacob's stories combine dark humor, keen insight into the workings of the human mind, a capacity for unbridled imagination, and a sense of childlike wonder as might be felt by Damien in "The Omen."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 15, 2002
• ISBN: 9781462840557

Kelly A. Jacob

KELLY A. JACOB LIVES AND WORKS IN MICHIGAN, WHERE HER HOBBIES INCLUDE PAINTING, WATCHING MOVIES, AND TENDING HER GARDEN OF GRUDGES.

Book preview

COUNTRY GOOSE

AND KILLER

Sinister Short Fiction

Kelly A. Jacob

Copyright © 2002 by Kelly A. Jacob.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

14750

Contents

1

Country Goose And Killer (1992)

2

The Boat of Roderick Hasben (1984)

3

Gretchen Gets Even (1994)

4

The Hungarian Solution (1996)

5

Country Goose II: Dark Origins (1993)

6

Cast No Stones (1996)

7

Snow Bunny (1998)

8

Even Steven: Country Goose III (1993)

9

Pizarro of Sewerville Corridor (1992)

10

The Purple Dusk (1998)

DEDICATION

THANKS TO DAVID L. AND STEVE D.

FOR LOVE AND SUPPORT.

I DEDICATE MY SECOND BOOK TO ALL

THE SAD AND UNSEEN STARS OF THE UNIVERSE.

MAY OUR EFFORTS NOT BE IN VAIN.

missing image file

1

Country Goose And Killer (1992)

Country Goose said that I should smash out the window of the nice fancy sportscar, and I’ve got to admit, it sounded good to me and I didn’t have a better idea. It presented somewhat of a problem, since most of my tools and stuff were locked up at the storage place, and that meant that I could not use my sledgehammer for the job. But that’s just as well, since a sledgehammer always attracts attention, and besides, I like the found object simplicity of instead using a cinderblock. I doubt that dumb, flabby fool will even think of me, since it has been over six months, and I didn’t want to work at his crappy, scummy Italian restaurant anyhow. Country goose and I are going to go out and do that right now, and then we will be back. Mr. Big shit is over there now, I saw the car parked around the side by the dumpster. Oh, boy, will he be suprised! It’s two-thirty A.M., and we should be back in about half an hour, bye.

O.K.! Here we are! I bet you want to hear what happened. I will try to write it, but Country Goose is laughing so hard she is a total distraction. Let me tell you, it was so easy, and so fun, I can’t believe we waited the whole six months before we did it. It sure looked like he had just cleaned it all up and everything, the blue was all glisteny under the street lamp, the hubcaps all shiny, and it really looked nice. So naturally, Miss pushy insisted we do more than the windshield thing, which was the only original plan. But it’s just impossible to argue with her when she’s feeling all vindictive and making those little goose eyes at me, so I said O.K.

She said we had to do the other stuff first, since it is quieter, and then finish with the cinderblock through the windshield. I was laughing, and kind of shaky and excited. Oh boy, he thought he was Mr. Big shit turning me down for that stupid job, but now we’ll see who gets the laugh! Country Goose says it is very important to always even the score, and that way, you are never bitter or hold a grudge against anybody. She is very smart about things like that, and is always teaching me. O.K., so anyway, first she wanted to peck very bad holes in the tires. She said the tires looked relatively new, and were probably very expensive, so you know I liked that idea! It was fun. Country Goose pecked and pecked at those tires, until they were all flat and no way could be repaired. We laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. I thought Country Goose would lay an egg! I just love her when we do this stuff, because there just isn’t anyone funnier or better at it. When she was all done, it looked like some punk had gouged away at them with a steel spike, and I gave her an A for her work.

Then she said it was time for that paint job to change. She went ahead and did that, too, and it was a sight to behold! She would leap and claw, leap and claw, scrape and peck, until it looked like some punk had waxed it with a wire brush! It was great! She really went at it. But I was getting a little worried about the time, because even Mr. Dumbshit would get tired of drinking sooner or later. I gave her an A+ for the paint job, and said we better do the brick and get the hell out of there before some jack-wipe came out and caught us.

Country Goose said that I could pick out which brick and everything, because she got to do the tires and paint, and said O.K, that was a fair deal. She had to waddle around the front and make sure the coast is clear. Which, by the way, is not always the best thing, because whenever people see a goose hanging around, they always get curious and come out. But she is pretty clever about hiding good, which she really has to be, because she is pure white with that big flowered bow on. I asked her once why can’t we just take it off, but she said she had to wear it, that it is part of the rules of being a country goose or whatever.

The big moment, having finally arrived, gave me such a feeling of power and fulfillment, I cannot tell you. You’d just have to do it yourself sometime and see, even though it would not be like my experience, and would probably not be as fun because Country Goose would not be there. I hoisted the big brick up, and then had to recite the special speech. I wrote some of it, but Country Goose wrote most of it, because she is so good at stuff like that. It went like this:

In the solemn honor of all the people you have ever wounded by being the big, fat prick you are, I deliver justice!

And then I had to hurl the brick with all feeling through the windshield and run, run, run. We had a special hiding place all set up to watch what happened. I cannot of course tell you where, or then she would have to kill you, Ha-Ha! That would ruin it, and besides, some things are just between me and Country Goose, and no-one else. By the time Mr. Big man came out and saw what we had done, it was so worth it I can hardly begin to tell you.

His very first words were OH, JESUS CHRIST! OH GOD! As if God or Jesus would notice or care that his dumb car got totalled! And he kept on that way for some time, swearing and swinging his arms, and walking around, around, around the car as though it would reverse the damage or something, as if he just couldn’t believe this thing happened to him, Mr. Big Shit, owner of the big-shit Italian restaurant where he can feel like a big man by not giving people jobs and stuff. And Country Goose said to me, Look! The sissy fucker is crying! and she began honking and laughing and so I began laughing and imitating her honking because it was true, he was crying. And I knew we had done the very best job we could, gave the effort one-hundred percent, and now I would never feel bitter or resentful toward that man or his restaurant again. We watched for about an hour, as