Dear Donor

By Elsa Prado

Dear Donor is about the last 18 years of Elsas life as a sperm donor recipient. It is the story of a woman that has to face infertility that eventually leads to divorce. The molestation of her daughter, Amanda, and having to go through the legal system. Battling the breakdown of a family torn by one man; Elsas ex-husband. A second chance at love. And, Amanda finally freed from the grips of her perpetrator. All the while Elsa analyzes her choice and consequences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 20, 2009
• ISBN: 9781462831784

Elsa Prado

Elsa Prado, CMI, CCI is the author of Dear Donor and Heart Stomp, sold in both English and Spanish, as well as a book of poetry translated for Andrea Saldana-Rivera. She also hosts the radio program, Alas de Amor, that focuses on child safety and other helpful topics for families (found on Radio Dimension Latina FM, Tu Radio Por Internet). Elsa resides in Oak Lawn, Illinois.

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Copyright © 2009 by Elsa Prado.

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This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Dear Donor,

I’m writing to you after 18 years. For me, this journey began in the late eighties. I believe back then the whole concept of artificial insemination was in its stage of infancy. I still remember how it was ingrained by the Doctor that we make sure that we should keep this to ourselves and that we did not ever have to tell our baby that one of us was infertile. However, let me tell you how things turned out.

Let me start by saying that I, of course never even thought it could happen to either of us. Infertility was out of the question. He came from a family of ten and I came from a family of eight (one a stillborn) we lost my brother so we were seven. With families of that size why would we ever doubt that would happen. But, after two years into our marriage my husband started asking for a baby. While I quite frankly was in my early twenties I didn’t really feel any kind of a rush to start a family but I understood. He is seven years older than me and he felt it was time. He would make remarks to me about not wanting to ruin my figure and comments about how selfish I was to make him wait. I got of the pill. After months of going without any contraception I started to feel like something wasn’t right so when I went to my Gynecologist I decided to be tested. I do have some minor conditions like endometriosis and polycystic ovaries which at that time were mild. The Doctor said that he would do a blood test screening and let me know the results. I proceeded with the testing and I returned to see the Gynecologist I got my test results indicating that I was fertile. The Gynecologist then said that it was time to test my husband and that by doing a sperm count he would be able to determine his fertility. He handed me a bag with sperm cups and his order and I went home to deliver the news.

When my husband came home from work I had told him all that the Gynecologist had said to me and that the next step in trying to get pregnant would mean his being tested. He immediately went off that the doctor was crazy. That how he could not be fertile if each and every one of his siblings had kids why he wouldn’t. I told him that there had to be a reason why we weren’t getting pregnant and that it only made sense to know why. He must have thought about things because a few days later he decided to make his appointment and did the sperm count. A few days later, the Gynecologist called and said he wanted to see both of us in his office.

We went to our appointment just as the doctor had requested and gave us the news that he had no sperm whatsoever. That the substance that he produced was ejaculation fluid and that the next step would be to be seen by an Endocrinologist. This is the specialist that deals with the endocrine glands and hormonal system. My Gynecologist ordered a complete genetic screening to rule out some hormonal deficiency or genetic defect.

Upon completing the genetic screening we knew that this would be the deciding factor as to what our options were going to be if we wanted to have a family. About a week later the Endocrinologist called and said that he wanted to see both of us in his office. Once again, we were cringing as to what the news was going to be. The Endocrinologist pulled out the results and started to explain that the screening reflected that my husband had Kline-Felter Syndrome and that this condition is caused at the time that the chromosomes were breaking down at the time of conception. He further explained that this is not a treatable condition and that this defect of an additional chromosome deemed him sterile since before he was born. And that this is not something that can be worked with.

My husband and I were sitting there in shock and the Endocrinologist tried as best as he could to tell him this was all he could do. The Endocrinologist explained that for men that have low sperm counts there is hope. That under those conditions men can be given progesterone shots and that this would increase sperm production. At that point my husband who was in denial said to the doctor that he would like to try the shots. And, the Endocrinologist told him that they would not work for him but that if it would make him feel better that he would give him the shots for three months and test him for a sperm count. The doctor also made it clear that he as the patient was paying for this and that if he wanted to clear any doubt in his mind that this would be the way to go. The Endocrinologist did warn me that I would have to learn how to give him the shots and that by doing this; this would reduce the cost of the injections greatly.

I followed up by going to the injection instruction given to me by the nurse so that they could make sure that I was giving the shots correctly. I practiced on an orange and finally graduated to giving a shot in their presence. I was also warned about the side effects of the shots. I was told that they produce aggression, mood swings and irritability.

As soon as we got home I knew this was going to be difficult because it was very obvious to me that he was in denial. He started questioning me again. That maybe I was the one with the problem and that I was going to see how these shots were going to work. I stuck it out with him trying to be supportive. I could not help but feel terribly sorry for him. I kept thinking to myself, What if it would have been me? Would he have been supportive of me? Would he have told me that he wanted to divorce me? After all, he wanted to start a family more than I did.

I was open-minded to the idea that I would have been okay if we wouldn’t have any kids. I kept telling him that God does everything for a reason. I said, Maybe it wasn’t made to be for us. Maybe we should adopt a child. At that point, he said, I don’t want to adopt! I want my own child. A child with my blood in him or her! I felt lost. I was trying to offer consolation but all my efforts seemed to be going nowhere.

I was giving him his daily shot and he was turning into a bear. He got cranky over the smallest things and I thought to myself. You were warned. No use complaining. He started throwing things around and having tantrums. I just tried not to be in the way and let him get his frustration out. The appointment day arrived and we went for the visit about the sperm count. Once again, only to hear that there was nothing but ejaculation fluid and zero sperm. I felt so bad for him. He cried that night like a little boy and there was nothing in the world I could say or do to make him feel better. I realized that night that I may never have the opportunity to be a mother. I thought to myself if he chooses that we be a childless couple, I will never be a Mom. Wow! It hit me. The reality of it all was sinking in. In many ways I had not imagined. There went my dream, right out the window. I thought this isn’t fair! A second later he says the same thing to me. He said, How could it be that out of everyone in my family I am the only one that can’t have kids? I was speechless. All I could do was wipe away the tears. Now everything became an unknown. When we were dating we never discussed the possibility of not having a family. It was a given.

After the treatment with the progesterone shots and the knowledge that he was a Kline-Felter Syndrome patient the Endocrinologist sent us back to the Gynecologist. There was nothing more that he could do. We met again with the Gynecologist and he referred us to an Endo-Infertility Specialist. The Gynecologist told us that he would help us explore other options and that not all was lost for us. That we should not give up on the possibility of having a family.

I asked my husband how he felt about what the Gynecologist had said and he said that he wanted to know what those options were. I made the appointment to see the Endo-Infertility Specialist. When we arrived the Specialist told both of us that he highly recommended counseling upon receiving such news. He told us about in vitro-fertilization and artificial insemination. At that point I was in awe. I didn’t know that there were men out there that looked at a magazine, came into a cup and got paid for their ejaculation. And that some were regulars. I was so surprised. My first reaction was the whole moral issue. Is this completely wrong? Are we playing with life here? Don’t these men care about leaving their seed just about anywhere? What happens if they feel bad down the road about what they did and want to claim one of these children they fathered? I didn’t know if I liked the idea or not. What are the legal rights of these children, I asked? That’s when the Specialist told us that the husband is the one named on the birth certificate and therefore the child will have all the legal rights of a biological child and be legitimately the child born out of a marriage. The Specialist gave us sheets with information. He suggested we give it thorough consideration and to think about this seriously. He told us that we could go with artificial insemination if that’s what we chose to do. So, we told him to give us time to think about it. And, we went home.

We went home in such silence. My head was spinning to say the least. He wasn’t saying anything and at that point I did not want to add to his devastation. Although I could not understand why us of all people, I still felt that if childless was going to be our life then that’s what it was going to be. We had bought our house right before we got married too. We knew we would work on having a family and that was something we anticipated. But, life threw us a twist in fate. I felt such sadness. To see him crushed by such news and now those facts were going to impact me because I was now a part of his life. What to do next?

Then in all honesty I felt like I was in some tug of war. Like a part of me wanted to run away from this whole thing. Maybe I should leave him and give myself a chance to have a baby. And then I thought, Wait a minute! You married for the rest of your life and you were raised to have conviction and do what you have to do to make this marriage work. It’s not just about me anymore. I started to get myself together and brought myself to have the courage to ask him what he wanted to do. So, I asked him what he thought about what the Specialist had told us and much to my surprise he said, I have an idea. I was like, Well, what is it? And he said, I will let you know. I didn’t think much of it so I didn’t ask anything more. I sure was trying my best to get a handle of the situation and trying to be supportive. I knew he was crushed.

The Specialist told both of us that it would be in our best interest not to tell our families about his infertility. He suggested that if we chose to do an insemination then we could do that without causing any questioning on the part of our families. We both agreed not to say anything just as the Specialist had recommended.

Then I thought about how my husband was so against adoption. He gave me reasons like, You don’t know what you’re getting as far as problems with the parents. What if it’s a drug baby? What if the baby turns out to be a criminal? I thought adoption is not going to work for him.

I thought, I’m going to be childless. We should leave this alone. However, a few weeks later, we are leaving my in-laws house and walking to the car he says to me, Remember that I idea I told you about? I said, yeah, I remember. Why? He said, Today I asked my brother if he would donate sperm so we can have a baby. I said, What! You are crazy! What about asking me how I feel about asking for such a thing Can’t you see how important this is?, And, what about his wife? Do you think that she’s going to approve of such a thing? Where’s your head, I said. I went off on him. I could not even look at his brother I was so embarrassed when I heard this. I felt he had crossed the line. Those lines you just don’t cross. I said to my husband, I’d rather be inseminated by a stranger off the street than to carry your brother’s baby!, How could you do that? I wanted to strangle him. I told my husband that if he wanted us to have a baby that badly then maybe insemination might be the solution. I really felt sorry for him