Sensational Singles: Worldwide Singles Spill Secrets to Success

By Donna Dvorak

This long-awaited book written by, for and about singles, is a must read for everyone building their life alone. Like a butterfly that spreads its wings and flies free, Sensational Singles renews the spirit with tips on how to live with yourself, not by yourself.

From all corners of the earth Argentina, Scotland, Turkey, Israel, England, Italy, Latvia, New Zealand and the United States singles encounter identical problems. Whether divorced, widowed, single by choice or sexual preference, singles from around the world graciously open their hearts and share insights that transformed their lives to survive as one in a world calculated to accommodate couples. Their intimate discoveries are documented and supported by professionals. Sensational Singles addresses the positive, negative and reality of living single. It includes:
*Restructuring your life.
*Lonely Nights
*The Moment of Reckoning
*Maintaining a Sense of Family in a Single Household
*Juggling kids, career and Social Life
*Traveling Alone
*Self-Help Books Do they Work?
*Fifty Things to do While Recovering from a Broken Heart
*Other Wives Husbands and Other Husbands Wives
*Exploring Your Own Needs
*Dating Again First Dates
*The Joy of Living as a Sensational Single

Donna Dvorak, a Sensational Single, has trotted the globe as an international journalist, author, award-winning poet, former talk-show host and creative writing teacher. She incorporates her adventures into her books. Her articles appear in magazines, newspapers and literary journals. Donna was raised in Philadelphia and resides in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. She can be contacted through her website: http://www.theprowriter.com

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 6, 2001
• ISBN: 9781453534366

Donna Dvorak

Donna Dvorak is an international journalist, author, award-winning poet, former talk-show host and creative writing teacher. Her articles appear on a continuing basis in magazines, newspapers and literary journals. She has traveled around the United States and the world visiting exotic places in Asia, Europe, Israel, Africa and Hawaii, successfully incorporating her adventures into her books. Donna was born and raised in Philadelphia and resides in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Welcome to the world of singles.

Living single, by choice or circumstance, is a common phenomenon these days. With the divorce rate running rampant, an abundance of widows and widowers trying to piece their broken lives back together and more individuals choosing to be alone for their own reasons, it appears to be an epidemic. A wide-spread paradox that occurs in all corners of this beautiful earth, according to the professionals.

But, I’m not a professional.

I’m a statistic.

This book will explore many issues affecting the single quadrant of our society. I’ve encountered most situations in this book and provided personal views based on my own experiences. I’ve interviewed single friends and professional therapists from around the world and have learned that each story is unique. Some, in fact, are poignant. In Argentina, Scotland, Turkey, England, Zurich, Israel, Latvia, Italy and the United States, every culture experiences its own diversity. Yet, the basic needs and desires of singles are related, regardless of geography.

Sensational Singles provides simple suggestions for individuals on how to cope and perhaps offer comfort and humor to those experiencing the ordeal of learning how to rebuild their lives without a mate. It reveals how others handle the same predicaments and saunter through the eclectic stages that seem to appear out of nowhere. No one walks through this earth alone. There isn’t any need to feel isolated or rejected; one doesn’t have to be a lonely number. It’s about finding yourself, exploring who you really are and your options in life. It will teach you how to be a survivor, not a victim, and that the grass is not always greener.

When the reality of living life on your own strikes it presents unimaginable dilemmas. The impact can hit like a hurricane and some newly single individuals experience a radical identity change. They wrestle with their own feelings as the implications become more defined. It’s critical to grieve a divorce just as a death. Many physical and emotional reactions are connected in each case. However, by developing a sense of self-worth and putting the past behind, individuals evolve with an inner strength they never experienced before the loss.

According to Gina D. Krinsky, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, who resides in Sarasota, Florida, a divorce is a death.

It’s a death of a marriage, she explained. It’s also a death of hopes, dreams and expectations. Feelings of sadness, anger and guilt are very normal. People need to allow themselves time to grieve for their loss of ‘what was supposed to be’. They need time to face their feelings of anger and they need support to deal with their loss.

Coming to terms with yourself is a painful process. Each step along the way proceeds slowly. Just when it seems that you’ve conquered a step and moved forward, you fall two steps back. Yet, once self-confidence emerges and learning to satisfy your own needs is accomplished, the quest to be validated by other people fades. Happiness and joy replace sadness and fear.

Before beginning our journey of how other people have survived and conquered the feelings of being alone, I’d like to explain relevant facts from my own life.

I’ve been a single mother for eleven years juggling a career, four grown kids, their activities, friends, family, home and dating. If you think it’s an easy feat, a rude awakening will arise. It’s a monumental task. There’s no room for mistakes. Everyone is allotted one chance in life.

This is it.

People are always curious how and why I’m single at this stage of my life.

The end of my marriage was not a sudden revelation. The seed of its demise was planted many years ago. The warning signs kept reappearing yet, like many women, I chose to ignore them for various reasons.

Admittedly, it was my second marriage. I can rationalize the failure of the first one. I was a naïve teenager who was in love with love. Marriage in the sixties meant strolling down the isle in a mini or floor-length gown of white satin decorated with seed pearls, ribbons and yards of tulle. It denoted champagne toasts, fancy cuisine, a carved-ice swan and dancing until dawn to an eight-piece orchestra. It also included a three-month search of the perfect going away outfit, the right photographer, caterer and florist. Many women of that era quit their jobs or dropped out of college when they became engaged to concentrate and plan for the big day.

Those days are gone!

No one ever spoke of acquiring a career first or delaying having a family until a down payment on a house was feasible. Back then the goal, according to many mothers, was for their daughters to marry doctors or lawyers. Now we’ve moved ahead, thanks to the women’s movement. Women become doctors or lawyers or enter any field formally structured to men. Most women, including myself, went straight from their parent’s home into a marriage bed. And many men did the same.

I had a pre-notion that my husband, who was five years older than I, would take care of me in the same wonderful, adoring way that my father did. According to psychiatrists a father is usually a girl’s first love. It’s her indoctrination into the male species. After the wedding, I thought my husband and I would live on love and lust. Life would be one moonlit walk after another.

Little did I know!

I knew a grave mistake had occurred the second night of our honeymoon in Miami Beach. I wanted to dance barefoot with my husband on the sand, under the moon’s glow. I yearned to reach up and touch the stars and sway to the rhythm of the ocean as white peaked waves rushed onto shore breaking the solitude of the empty beach. I longed to attach myself to his side and spread our wings and fly alongside the seagulls through a maze of cotton candy clouds.

He didn’t!

My first marriage lasted less than two years. I was sad and frightened long before it was de rigueur to discuss personal problems on television or radio. I felt like a failure. The only joy that remains from that marriage is my first son. When he was nine months old I moved back into my parent’s house. Yet, I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. I told myself that years later, when reminiscing, I knew I had poured all of my being into the marriage for the sake of my son. We tried again. It was unsuccessful. I finally packed up and left it behind me, never looking back.

In retrospect, leaving was not only the hardest obstacle to conquer, but also the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. But, make no mistake. The emotional pain was overbearing. The numbness and pain lasted a few years.

That was thirty years ago; a time when people stayed together and overcame difficult barriers in their relationships. Yet, I had the courage and guts to leave, for that’s what it takes to walk away and end a marriage. To his credit, my first husband calls me once a year to insure that I’m okay. We’ve decided it was our effervescence of youth that ruined it. Neither one of us was prepared for the total dedication and commitment required for marriage. We recently discussed independent issues that arose during that troubled time and were stunned to learn how much was blocked out of our minds during those turbulent years. It took me thirty-five years to indulge in some heavy-duty soul searching of circumstances locked in the far thickets of my mind. The revelation was cathartic and I was able to open and place the pain, buried all those years, in its proper perspective.

My second marriage occurred a few years later. I met a gentle, kind man who accepted and nurtured me while I was still searching for myself. That was the era when everyone was trying to "find themselves". They were the years of peace, love and joy; a world of love-ins, flower power and peace marches. In the beginning, he was sweet and patient. And we did live on love and lust. Our finances left more to be desired, but our love for each other over-rode any obstacle. Nothing could tear us apart. He accepted my son and I as his family and for that I will always be grateful.

Our marriage lasted eighteen years and produced three more wonderful children. We acquired the American Dream; two daughters, two sons, a house in the suburbs with a swing set and swimming pool, two cars and various domestic animals. Summers were filled with family vacations at the Jersey shore; winters at DisneyWorld and Epcot. We even managed to escape by ourselves to Hawaii and Europe.

We had it all.

Yet, somewhere along the road to Utopia our married life unraveled like a tattered cloth. Piece by piece, it was torn apart until nothing was left. Not a shred. We tried to honor our marriage vows to love and cherish through sickness and in health, temporarily gluing broken shards together for the sake of our four children, but even that became impossible. We tried professional counseling and stayed up until the early hours of the morning trying to communicate. We laughed. We cried. We even separated a few times.

Nothing worked.

It was over.

It’s hard to admit defeat. And it hurts. When a person fails in one relationship, people forgive you. But to fail in two marriages forces involved parties to examine their own insecurities and self-esteem.

And that’s just what occurred.

Nearly twelve years later, I’ve become my own self. I’ve sauntered through the trials and tribulations of divorce. Friends inform me that I’ve bloomed and blossomed like a wilted flower whose petals have miraculously opened, bursting with bright colors. It took awhile, an abundance of pain and suffering and self-exploration, but now I possess the strength to face anything life has to offer.

The road has not been smooth. Yet, I’ve traveled over the rocks and climbed boulders that were placed in my path. Times existed when giving up seemed the best and easy way out. But, my four wonderful, loving children always kept me focused! I’m so proud of them. They’ve shared my joys and my agonies along with their own. If there was any way I could have prevented them from suffering through the hell my ex-husband and I caused them during the divorce, I would have. But, through all the pain they suffered they’ve grown into intelligent, well-adjusted adults.

And so have I.

And so will you.

I’m truly blessed in other ways. My extended family is extremely supportive. My parents and siblings encouraged me every step of the way and have always been there for me whether giving advice, shoulders to cry on or even a place to stay. My circle of friends has grown and I’ve met many interesting people that had I stayed as part of a couple I would have never encountered. They’ve taught me about life, shared their own fascinating experiences and offered me an important piece of themselves—preventing me from falling into the victim category.

I survived.

And you can, too.

Together, we’ll view this as a beginning, not an ending.

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS A SINGLE?

What exactly is a single?

Are we the pioneers of a separate society plucked from other groups because we’re alone? According to the dictionary the meaning of a single is specific; Only one. One and no more. Individual. Not married. To be picked out from others.

If one flower is capable of producing eight or more petals, does that suggest it’s a single flower? When smooth petals burst into bloom aren’t they more than one?

Is this diversity?

Singles appear to be boxed into one prodigious category, which is reinforced by the media. Pick up any publication and a list of singles’ newspapers, magazines, clubs, dances, bars, cruises, book reviews and weekends at resort hotels will magically appear. Recently, singles’ lectures, business card exchanges and singles’ nights at museums have evolved. Numerous churches and synagogues offer single services where one can sit and pray with other singles.

Why?

Are we some kind of a voracious breed that can’t intermingle with the rest of society? Have we been condemned to a world among ourselves?

I became single in 1990 after my husband, Leonard, died, revealed Helen, an artist and entrepreneur from Bucks County, Pennsylvania. It amazed me how much widowhood changed the way some people perceived and treated me.

Helen was immediately labeled by society.

I was now a single person with children.

Singles are packaged as one, a