Hi, Can We Be Friends?: A New Attitude for the Common Friendship Journey

By Tekena Ikoko

Hi, can we be friends?
How have you handled this common question so far?
Friendship is a journey. Strangers of yesterday can become best of friends tomorrow. However, after these strangers become casual friends, they may migrate into closer friendships. This journey for some cumulates into cordial business relationships, others into bubbling love and romance, but sadly, most of them end up in shock and regret.
I didn't know that she was that kind of person, the guys would often say.
He was only looking for sex, the ladies would often conclude.
How do we choose friends, especially those of the opposite sex? How can we maintain godly relationships, avoid heart breaks and handle platonic friendships? Many promising relationships are destroyed for lack of intelligent foresight, misplaced ideology about male/female sexuality, and abuse of human intimacy.
Hi, Can we be friends? peels out layer by layer the complex process of defining the reason why a particular guy or girl comes into your life. It empowers you to harvest the potentials of relationships while putting your excesses in check.
This book provides practical answers to a growing nagging nightmare of how to stand for purity amidst a sex-hyped generation. It's practical, friendly and dynamic approach makes it a must-read for all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Sep 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781467895828

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© 2011 Tekena Ikoko. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 8/25/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-7125-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-9582-8 (eBook)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture references are from The King James Version (Public Domain)

Names, characters, places and incidents have been changed, and the work in other ways modified, to protect the privacy of the people concerned. The Author has paraphrased most of the true stories to further protect the identity of those involved. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons (living or dead), is coincidental.

Acknowledgements

When my boss, Rev. Steven Akinola, asked me to share a message with a group of youths on their interpersonal relationships during an annual conference, I looked for all possible ways to dodge the assignment. It was way out of my comfort zone. Somehow I took courage and made an attempt, and today it seems to be all I want to talk about. Sir, thank you.

I am highly indebted to the student executives of CLASFON, RSUST (Christian Law Students’ Fellowship of Nigeria, Rivers State University of Science and Technology) Chapter, Port Harcourt, Nigeria, who on June 28, 2010, invited me to speak on the subject, Single But Not Stupid—a theme which provoked this book and initiated a campaign for the sanctity of sex and godly relationships.

I feel a deep sense of gratitude to Dr. Steve Ogan, who urged me on despite his earlier work on the same theme. You taught me the word polygenesis.

To my precious wife, my sweetheart, Tonye, I’m glad you are by my side.

To my content editor, Timi Yesibo-Ereyi, I’m so grateful to God for bringing me your way. You are every writer’s dream. To Jim Kochenburger and Angie Kiesling, thanks for your expert editing and extra eyes on this manuscript.

To my team of readers, Joseph Sule Balogun, Grace Nwuzor, Sam Pepple, Sarah Briggs, Oribi Nathan, Dr. Steve Ogan, and Dr. Kontein Trinya; I am eternally grateful.

To my partners and my friends on this campaign: we’ve got work to do. Thank you for believing in this vision and creating space for it in your hearts.

Dedication

To the unknown youth,

Longing for answers, reeling in pain;

Stumbling through life, baffled by obstacles:

I heard your cry and answered the call.

To the unknown youth,

In offices, schools, or homes;

In quiet corners, or in empty halls,

You braced up and unveiled your soul to me.

To the unknown youth,

I listened to your painful story;

I was privy to your heart’s dilemma—

How did my friend become my betrayer?

To the unknown youth,

After I listened, I thought it right to write you a letter.

Read this book, learn its precepts, and devour its content;

It’s my answer to your questions.

Introduction

I have watched many friends’ relationships dissipate from an initial bubbling over with love, to depression, regret, and painful consequences. I have seen many promising relationships destroyed for lack of intelligent foresight, a misguided ideology of male or female sexuality, or an abuse of physical intimacy.

In my own corner in life, I had sought counsel and guidance when I stumbled into the world of relationships. There was no clear practical voice to lead me and with lots of trial and error, I fell headlong into many pitfalls as a result and soon had a shipwreck.

In Hi, Can We Be Friends? my desire is to offer a safe process of making friends, while highlighting common pitfalls and destructive elements in relationships. It is my hope to address the love, sex and relationship dynamic triangle and provide a pattern for maintaining godly relationships before and after marriage.

This book is a practical guide to help members of this sex-hyped generation, many of whom are grappling with significant relationship and courtship issues, with down to earth know-how to stay afloat even if they have already made mistakes.

Hi, Can We Be Friends? is born out of the conviction that there is no dysfunctional relationship too difficult to re-evaluate, refocus and rejuvenate if required. Therefore I encourage you to learn its precepts, apply its wisdom, and then, arise and build.

God bless you,

TKI

Contents

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter One: Understanding the Basics

Chapter Two: Understanding Yourself

Chapter Three: Discovering Godly Relationships

Chapter Four: Maintaining Godly Relationships

Chapter Five: Amnon Had a Friend

Chapter Six: Friendship Pitfalls in a Woman’s Love World

Chapter Seven: Friendship Pitfalls in a Guy’s Love World

Chapter Eight: Beware of Courtship Cankerworms!

Chapter Nine: How Long Do We

Avoid Each Other?

Chapter Ten: Carpe Diem

Epilogue

Chapter One: Understanding the Basics

Hi, my name is Paul. Can we be friends?

Life plays out in many places—classrooms, cyber cafes, bus stops, taxicabs, churches, restaurants, shopping complexes, recreational centres, etc. As we interact with one another in varying locations, our actions and reactions, likes and dislikes, passions and attitudes form a complex variable in the answer to this everyday question: Can I be friends with Paul?

How have you handled this kind of question in the past? What was the basis for your reply? What did you see, hear, or perceive that could influence you to make a positive, but cautious response? On the other hand, what perceptions, information, or concerns would lead you to give a negative response?

I have known ladies who have lots of male friends without a single female friend. Are they weird? On the other hand, there are ladies who fear any male friendship. They treat all male interest with concentrated suspicion: He’s probably just looking for sex. Stay away! they say. This is common, especially if the women have had a history of painful relationships. In that case, you can appreciate their preconceived answer to Paul’s question.

Generally, it is safe to say that friendship is a catalyst for the fulfilment of destiny. Life’s realities confirm that no man is an island. Think of most accomplishments, they are often achieved through team work, not as a solo effort. Our need for one another often forms the basis for companionship and establishes the reason for relationships.

However, our world is complex and loaded with people of varying view points and moral definitions. The combination of deceit, insincerity, and selfish motives make the decision, whether or not to accept Paul’s invitation to friendship, very difficult.

Why Do I Need a Friend in the First Place?

Perhaps you scarcely have friends. What led you to this? You’ve probably already concluded that you do not need a friend. Then, perhaps the following excerpts will help you reconsider:

All over the world, people experience joy when they form new social attachments, and react with loneliness and despair when these bonds are broken—as when separated from a loved one by distance, divorce, or death. Research shows that people who have a network of family and friends are happier and healthier and live longer than those who are more isolated. People need people. This is why social situations and the people we meet along life’s way can have such a profound effect on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.¹

Wow! "…and the people we meet…can have …a profound effect…?" Does that mean that this vast pool of people around us could actually influence us? Consider for a moment this pool of people. Life brings them to us as office colleagues, fellow students, social club members, business participants, religious or tribal associates, travelling buddies on a journey, and in countless other ways. Simply put, the people in your pool of acquaintances will play a role in fulfilling or aborting your desired objectives while on earth.

The Inborn Destiny Drive and Your Life-Team Players

I have always been amazed at the varying inborn drive resident in most people. I have heard of people’s drive to save some species of whales, fight for a piece of legislature or save the environment. Others are consumed about music, or astrology. I like to call it the destiny drive, because I see destiny as "The use of time, opportunity, talents, and resources to impact the course of mankind."

Now, let me introduce you to your Life-Team players. I have seen that to