Facing Tomorrow

By Phyllis McElwain, PhD

"In the beginning of the grieving process survival seems an impossible feat. The mourners challenge lies in Facing Tomorrow. After the death of her first husband, author Phyllis McElwain found herself unequipped to deal with grieving. Yet eventually, she managed to cope with it, learning there are many losses to grieve besides death itself. Conceived during the mourning process, Facing Tomorrow offers discussions that may be helpful to you in your journey of grief. It is not a how-to guide, but simply a description of the process of moving from the moment of loss toward healing and restructuring ones life.".

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 29, 2010
• ISBN: 9781453541814

Phyllis McElwain, PhD

Phyllis McElwain was born and raised in Kentucky. She has a Masters Degree in Education and taught in the public schools for a number of years. She also has a Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling Family and Marriage and a PhD in Behavioral Health. She worked for many years as Director of Out-Patient Psychiatric Services and Substance Abuse Services, a Group Home for adolescent males, and Director for an EAP program for a large hospital. She is presently in private practice. Phyllis wrote this book because of her personal experience with death and her subsequent work in the field of bereavement therapy.

Book preview

A Guide for Living after Loss

Phyllis McElwain, PhD, CADC

Copyright © 2010 by Phyllis McElwain, PhD, CADC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS AND CHARTS

4.1 Beginning Mood of Grief Roller Coaster

4.2 Second Phase of Mood

4.3 Third Phase of Mood

4.4 Final Phase of Mood

4.5 Disorganization to Reorganization Chart

5.1 Spirituality Resources Diagram

7.1 The Grief Support System

8.1 Special Days Planning Worksheet

PREFACE

CHAPTER I : THE BEGINNING OF A JOURNEY

The Meaning of Grief

Defining the Grieving Process

Conscious Reactions

Unconscious Reactions

Cultural/Societal Reactions

The Uniqueness of Grief

Individual Grief Patterns

Reasons We Grieve

Reasons We Are Unprepared

CHAPTER II: GRIEF WORK

The Meaning of Grief Work

Factors Influencing Grief Work

Age and Gender

Personality Process

Coping Efficacy

Social Support and Cognitive Appraisal

Purpose of Grief Work

Goals of Grief Work

Tasks of Grief Work

Stay in the Pain

Mourn and Grieve

Cry

Talk about the Deceased

Do a Life Review

Integrate the Loss

Realign Psychological Space

Resolve Ambivalent Feelings

Sort and Store Memories

Live in the Present

Redefining Self-identity

Goals of Redefining Identity

Survivor Changes

Phases of Grief

Comparison of Phases and Stages

Identification of the Phases

Phases Time Lines

CHAPTER III: GRIEF: A HEALTH HAZARD

The Physical and Emotional Impact of Grief

Somatic Symptoms Related to Grief

Fatigue and Low Energy

Sleeping Problems

Eating and Digestion Problems

Physical Symptoms Impacted by Cognitive Distress

Medical Illnesses Impacted by Grief

Systemic Impact

Dermatological Problems

Impact on Endocrine System

Chronic Insomnia

Impact on Musculoskeletal System

Cognition Confusion

Emotional Symptoms of Grief

Sadness

Responsibility Overload

Anxiety

Erratic Behavior

Mourner Wellness

Physical Care

Physical Examination

Diet

Exercise

Self-care

Reclaiming Yourself

Self-acceptance

Cognitive Self-care

Expression of Feelings

Journaling

Support Groups

Counseling

Friends/Family Conversations

CHAPTER IV: THE GRIEF ROLLER COASTER

Experiencing the Ride

Fluctuating Moods and Emotions

Behavior Patterns over the Life Span

The Transition to Healing

Unorganized State to Reorganized State

Transitional Tasks

Transitional Behaviors

Healthy Grief

Descriptors

Behavior Patterns

Unhealthy/Complicated Grief Patterns

Descriptors

Risk Factors

Forms of Complicated Grief

Symptoms

Syndromes

Expressive Problems

Skewed Behavior Problems

Closure Problems

Diagnosable Mental or Physical Disorders

Death

CHAPTER V: SPIRITUALITY AND LOSS

Comparing Spirituality and Faith

Defining Spirituality

Defining Faith

Using Spirituality to Heal

Accessing Spiritual Resources

Self-examination

Finding Meaning in Loss

Seeking Purpose

Faith Crisis

Anger

Questioning

Doubt

Prayer Crisis

Worship Difficulty

Benefits of Faith

Gives Hope

Assists Acceptance of Change

Supports Network

Impacts on Adjustment

Changing Perspective

Viewing Life as a Gift

Accepting Life with Gratitude

CHAPTER VI: DIFFERENT DEATHS—DIFFERENT GRIEF

General Characteristics of Loss

Common Patterns

Specific Types

Spouse/Partner Loss

Psychological Phases

Gender Differences

Adjustment Issues

Psychological Adjustment

Financial Adjustment

Relationship Adjustment

Sexuality

Dating

Remarriage

Parent Loss

Meaning of the Loss

Factors Affecting Your Grief

Quality of the Relationship

Parent Role

Personality of the Parent

Unfinished Business

Your Perception of Parent’s Life

Age and Circumstance of Death

Preventability of Death

Health of Parent

Realizations

Child Loss

Meaning of the Loss

Representation of Parent

Connection to the Future

Source of Love

Reflection of Parent Traits and Talents

Future Expectations

Reaction to Child Loss

Grief Blocks

Guilt

Obsession with Revenge

Instant Replay

Not Talking about the Loss

Never Be Happy Again Thinking

Suicidal Thoughts

Loss of an Adult Child

Changed Relationships

Friendships

Marital

Changed Perspectives

Reference Point

Shift in Priorities

Lessons Learned

Different View of Death

Sudden/Traumatic Death

Types of Loss

Accidents

Sudden Physical Illness

Suicide

Homicide

Issues Complicating Trauma Grief

Death Following a Prolonged Illness

Anticipatory Grief

Definition

Past-Present-Future Time Frame

Variables Affecting Grief

CHAPTER VII: RESTRUCTURING LIFE AFTER LOSS

Time Frame

Goals of Restructure

Reorganization of Self

Integration of the LossReassignment of the Relationship

Recognition of the Continuity of Life

Organization of Chaos

Forward Looking

Successful Transition to New Life

Developing Courage

Regaining Balance

Reinvesting Time

Changing Maladaptive Behaviors

Attitude about Life

Questioning Behavior

Victim/Martyr Behaviors

Negativity

Coping with Change

Components of Change

Reactions to Change

Conservation

Revolution

Escape

Transcendence

Resistance to Change

Fear

Impatience

Inflexibility

Benefits of Change

Importance of Hope

CHAPTER VIII: SPECIAL DAYS—SPECIAL PAIN

The Resurgence of Grief

Identification of Special Days

Impact of Special Days on Grief Process

Reasons for Renewed Grief

Uniqueness of the Day or Event

Renewed Focus on Loss

Failure to Acknowledge Day and Communicate

Reassignment of Roles

Inflexibility of Family

Family Traditions and Rituals

Identification

Reasons for Celebrations

Identification of Obsolete Rituals

Restructuring Steps

Review

Adapt

Eliminate

Special Occasion Coping Strategies

Plan Ahead

Communication

Pace Yourself

Be Realistic

Be Proactive Fighting Depression

Manage Your Time

Help Others

Commemorate the Life

CHAPTER IX: THE GIFTS OF LOSS

Positive Changes

Self-evaluation

Living Life Fully

Achieving Wholeness

Gaining Wisdom

Changed Perspectives

Perspective of Self

Perspective of Life

Living a Life That Matters

Simplifying Life

Changing Values

Perspective of Faith

Understanding Suffering

Developing Gratitude

Personal Growth

Regaining Life Balance

Heightened Capacity for Compassion

Facing Personal Mortality

Restoration of the Soul

Preface

Death is an experience shared by all mankind. Yet it is a subject we do not like to contemplate or discuss. Without open discussion about loss and death, one is surprised, anxious, and fearful when the myriad of emotions surface during and after the loss of a loved one. This book discusses how one is affected by death, how to deal with the pain and loss, and how to go on living when in the beginning of the grieving process survival seems an impossible feat.

I chose to write this book because of my personal experiences with loss. After suffering a serious work-related injury, my husband survived against tremendous odds, learned to walk again, and lived twelve additional years from the initial accident. During this period he suffered numerous medical problems and endured fifty-five surgeries before developing a heart condition. He died at the age of forty-three of a massive heart attack.

I learned during this time there are many losses to grieve besides death itself. I also found I was woefully unprepared for dealing with any of these losses. Unfortunately, there were few resources in our area to assist me in processing my grief. I began gathering information and journaling about my feelings. This helped me through the difficult transitional times and gave me direction in restructuring my life after the loss.

I believe humans cope with crisis, trauma, and loss better if we understand what is happening to us and if we know what to expect. Having been an educator for a major part of my life, I view education as a valuable coping tool. The idea for my book, Facing Tomorrow, was conceived as I worked through my grieving process. I changed careers several years after the death of my husband and entered the field of mental health counseling. After starting private practice, I developed a grief education program of the same name as this book, which I have used in practice for the past fourteen years. When clients and participants in my seminars on grief asked if I had the program in book or tape form, I decided to formalize the information into a book.

While many of the feelings and views expressed in the book are my own, I also want to give readers information from some of the leading experts in the field of loss and reconstruction of life after death. This is not just a book for clinicians, but also a book for the survivors of a death experience. It is a resource for navigating the confusing and frustrating process of grief. It is not a how-to guide, but simply a description of the process of moving from the moment of loss toward healing and restructuring one’s life.

While I have been a therapist for many years, I do not profess to have all the answers about grief. My goal is to share with you, the reader, information that may be helpful to you in your journey of grief. You will be able to identify with some of the information in this book. There also will be some information, which will have no meaning to your particular situation. One thing I learned on my grief journey is to choose those things, which helped me the most. It is my hope you will find some nugget of information that will prove useful in your life.

I would like to acknowledge the professional assistance of Dr. RonSonLyn Clark and Dr. Stephen Daniel for their advice, guidance, encouragement, and expertise. Rev. John Conn, a wonderful pastoral counselor and friend, gave me much-needed help in the early days of my loss. He also was instrumental in assisting me in my career change to mental health therapy. I want to acknowledge the wisdom I gained from my late husband, Gary Jock Steward, whose life and death inspired me to write about the life lessons we both learned. My present husband, James McElwain, encouraged me to persevere in the completion of this work and gave me his unwavering support. My support network of my late parents, Norma and Tommy Nichols; my sister, Freida Campbell, and her husband, David; and my son and daughter-in-law, Scott and Dawn Steward, continually encouraged me when times were difficult. I owe them as well as a host of friends a great debt of gratitude. Lastly, I want to thank my clients of the past years for allowing me to enter your private world of grief, which broadened my understanding of the grieving process.

Chapter 1

THE BEGINNING OF A JOURNEY

Isaiah 53:3 of the New International Version of the Holy Bible, in speaking of the suffering servant, says A man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. This verse aptly describes all of us who have experienced the loss of someone we loved. We definitely are filled with sorrow and well acquainted with suffering. Losing a loved one leaves a hole in our heart the size of the person lost.

Nothing in life prepares us for the journey, which is begun when a loved one dies. The death is a profound experience. The old life is lost forever. Things will never be the same again. The beginning of this journey through major life change is bewildering. Adding to the trauma is the overall lack of life skills necessary to deal with a change of this magnitude.

I should have expected my husband’s death since he was hospitalized numerous times with life-threatening complications requiring fifty-five surgeries during the twelve years following his injury. But when death finally came, it was a shock to me. The last moment was so final and of such importance. I was shaken to my core by the realization eternity is truly a breath away. It made me realize it doesn’t matter whether or not a death is anticipated. When the moment finally comes, it is sudden in its impact on those left behind.

Death is a major life-changing event. Yet we face this event with no preparation. Dr. Alan Wolfelt was one of the first experts in the field of bereavement to note the poor preparation most people have for dealing with loss. Our society strives to prepare us for every major event in our lives. We prepare for our careers by years of education and/or training in our chosen field. Graduation events are planned in great detail with many activities celebrating the completion of a milestone. In our modern society, weddings are planned far in advance with attention given to every detail. Usually, there is a period of being engaged to give the couple time to plan for the coming nuptials and to have time to become acquainted with each other’s habits, personalities, values, and customs in order to build a more successful marriage. Births are looked forward to for months. Prospective parents are educated about the coming birth as well as impending parenthood. Divorce, another major life-changing event, has a period of distancing from each other before the final break.

Even smaller events, such as family vacations, receive time and attention from various family members in order to meet the expectations of the vacationers. There are christenings, baptisms, retirement preparations, and planning for many other milestones in life actively encouraged by society. Yet death, a major life event, usually comes totally unplanned and unexpected, leaving the survivors facing a disrupted life filled with disorienting and emotionally confusing feelings.

The bereaved survivors are thrust into this grief journey, totally clueless as to how to proceed with the process of grieving. Unprepared for the intensity of the emotions following the loss of a loved one, the survivors struggle to gain a foothold in the suddenly foreign world of bereavement. Is it any wonder many survivors feel as though they are going crazy?

In the beginning of the journey of grief, you say and do things that are very unlike your normal behaviors. Sometimes you do not know the person you’ve become, and the people around you often do not know this different person in their midst either! There seems to be no end to the stream of feelings, not just from day to day, but from minute to minute. The unpredictability of your reactions brings the realization that you do not understand grief at all. Surrendering to your grief takes great courage. It is admitting you are in pain, and you fear the task ahead. No matter how frightened you are, you must rise to meet the challenge of this journey. Judy Tatelbaum, in her book The Courage to Grieve, says,

Having the courage to grieve leads to having the courage to live, to love, to risk, and to enjoy all the fruits of life without fear or inhibition. For many of us it is our fear of loss, and the grief implicit in loss, that prevents us from fully living our lives.

In order to develop the courage to grieve, it is important to fully understand the grieving process.

What is grief?

Dr. Alla Renee Bozarth describes it in the following way:

Grief is a passion, something that happens to us, something to endure. We can be stricken with it, we can be victims of it, we can be stuck in it. Or, we can meet it, get through it and become quiet victors through the honest and courageous process of grieving.

In the writings of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, he says,

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies.

Grief is the deep pain felt when something or someone of great value is lost to us. Grief is an array of intense emotions flooding your life when it is shattered by the loss of someone. During grief, your very soul takes a direct hit, bringing a total loss of peace, harmony, and contentment in your life. Sympathy and kind words cannot begin to stem the flow of emotions spewing forth from the pain.

In the grief process, there are three types of reactions: (a) conscious reactions, (b) unconscious reactions, and (c) cultural reactions. Understanding each of these reactions impacts your grieving process. Knowledge helps you to successfully reconcile your loss. Lack of understanding can seriously impede your ability to reach a state of reconciliation.

Conscious Reactions

Conscious reactions are those of which you are aware in the initial phases of loss. Feelings of hurt, sadness, emptiness, and pain begin immediately upon experiencing the death of your loved one. Many survivors openly cry and show great emotional distress as part of the conscious reactions.

Tasks to be completed at the time of loss are actions, which represent conscious reactions to the loss. For example, there are legal and business formalities to perform. Arrangements must be made for disposition of the body. The funeral service must be arranged. Depending on where the loved one died, there can be numerous details to attend to during the initial hours following the death, such as dealing with hospice, the hospital, or law enforcement. Attending and participating in the visitation and funeral service, arranging for the burial and the committal service, contending with the numerous phone calls, and arranging for someone to take care of the arrival of food, flowers, and out-of-town visitors can be exhausting tasks. These will produce emotional conscious reactions.

Behaviors of wanting everyone to go away and leave you alone are common. Not being able to eat, feeling disoriented, being irritable, feeling needy, and being fearful are just a few of the conscious reactions a mourner may experience. In other words, you know you are doing and feeling these things. You are aware of your behaviors.

After the initial days pass, other actions such as visiting the gravesite, making arrangements for the marker, deciding about the loved one’s belongings, changing financial affairs, securing death certificates, and taking over the responsibilities your loved one previously shouldered produce more conscious reactions such as I don’t want to do this! This is too much for me to bear! Please take my pain away.

Dealing with the expenses generated by the loss and tackling the massive number of thank-you notes, which must be sent after the death, are two additional activities mandating conscious decisions on the part of the mourner. Emotional reactions at this time may be wishing things were different, wishing you could wake up and have your old life back, and simply missing the daily presence of the one you loved. Missing the little things, the conversations, the jokes, and even the quarrels are reactions of which you are aware as you begin to process what happened.

Unconscious Reactions

Unconscious reactions are those feelings and actions that occur but of which you are unaware. These reactions can greatly affect your grief journey. One such action is the denial of the loss. This is not the logical knowledge that the loved one is dead. Of course, you know the loved one is dead because in most cases, you have seen the body. Denial is the sensation that the situation is not a real experience. It is feeling you will get back to normal when these first few days of activity are over. It is the sense of unreality you have about the whole event. It is the feeling that this is a temporary situation.

For me, it was as though I did everything I needed to do in automatic pilot. I kept thinking there would soon be an end to the whole unpleasant experience. I knew my husband was not coming back, but I had definitely not accepted the fact that he was not coming home again. Dr. Alan Wolfelt put it best when he said,

You will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart.

Adding to this sense of unreality is the unconscious thought that death is not possible in your own life. You know death is out there in the world, but you do not truly believe it will come to you and yours. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying, discusses how we deny that we are mortal and will die someday. She says deep down inside, we have great unconscious fear of our own mortality. When death strikes so closely to us, that fear is intensified. We may not be fully aware of that fear, but it adds to our feelings of unease and anxiety.

Another unconscious reaction is the association of death with punishment for some perceived or undetermined bad behavior or thoughts by the deceased or surviving family members. Unconsciously not being able to distinguish from thoughts and deeds thus creates guilt in some survivors. This is often seen in the if onlys voiced by the survivors, producing further self-torture. Mourners often express dismay at the fact bad things do (and did) happen to those who did not deserve such a fate.

Unconsciously, the survivor may have an entitlement belief. This belief is If I am a good person, I am entitled to a good life. When death comes, unconsciously, you feel deprived of the good life, which was expected because the loss so tremendously diminishes your life.

This entitlement belief led me to feel at times during my husband’s long physical battle and subsequent death that fate had handed me a dirty deal. God was not listening to me. I had the task of resolving issues, not only with my faith but also with my resentment of other people who appeared to be untouched by difficult times and who seemed to have the perfect family life. These people still had their family circles intact. They could go on vacations. They could have more children. They were not struggling financially. It was easy to focus on all the good others had while I was dealing with harsh realities of life. I was resentful because to me, it seemed the difficult times came only to my family. Logical? No. But my unconscious sense of entitlement, which precluded bad things happening to us, allowed me to develop some resentment. It did not matter that this was not logical thinking.

Cultural/Societal Reactions

The cultural/societal environment in which you live dictates a large portion of your grief patterns. Different cultures, religions, and value systems provide a frame of reference for what is acceptable grief and what is not. Each family has traditions passed down through generations, and these traditions guide the grief patterns. These traditions and rituals prescribe not only the behaviors considered acceptable for the bereaved, but also include the customs pertaining to the visitation, services, hospitality, and numerous other customs of the community in which the bereaved person lives.

The service held for the deceased varies from culture to culture as to the form of mourning seen as acceptable—including length of time for the service, mourning period, and which particular rituals will be performed. The purpose of the traditions and rituals is to give the loved ones a sense of closure for the loved one’s life in this world. These traditions and rituals signal the beginning of life for the survivors without the physical presence of the loved one in their daily lives. The funeral is a gift to the deceased from those who loved him. It is a celebration ritual commemorating his life in this world. It is saying, We loved you. We cared about you. You were important to us.

The reality of the separation of the deceased from the mourners begins with the funeral in most cultures. This ritual provides an acceptable outlet for displaying the emotions felt by the survivors and to share their love for the deceased publicly with friends. It is also a forum for sharing the memories of the life lived by the deceased. Extended family and friends are united at this time as a support network for the bereaved.

It is important, however, for bereaved people to understand that this network of support is temporary. As those less close to the loved one return to their normal routines, the devastated mourners often find life a lonely cold place because there is no normal routine for the mourner after the funeral ritual.

One of the most influential cultural reactions affecting the survivor is one’s spiritual or religious background. What you believe as a person has great impact on your grief. You may question your value system at this time. You may have doubts about where you are heading in life, what you want out of your life, and what exactly is your purpose now you have suffered this terrible loss. You may even question your faith.

Your faith may deepen. You may feel closer to God or to your higher power. You may realign your beliefs. One thing is certain: There will be a change. Death brings your core beliefs and truths to front and center. You examine them in minute detail as you walk your journey of grief. This does not mean your faith and beliefs lessen or weaken. It simply means you have a different view of life—what you believe and what you need to be fulfilled. You adjust some views because you learn more or, perhaps, because they must be adjusted to meet the needs of your new life. You become more aware of the importance of rituals and traditions, friendships and loved ones. You become in tune with the spirit of your soul. You learn the things that most soothe your soul and bring you inner peace as you move toward healing from the deep wound of loss.

The Uniqueness of Grief

Because you are a unique creature with different personalities, abilities, and viewpoints from others, you act and react to life experiences in a different way than others around you. Grief affects people differently, and therefore, each person will not grieve in the same manner.

At the bottom every man (or woman) knows well enough that he (or she) is a unique human being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he (or she) is, ever be put together a second time.

—Nietzsche

I have experienced great losses in my life. My husband died, as well as my beloved grandparents and parents. I have also lost some very dear friends. I know a great deal about how grief feels. I know how I dealt with it. However, I cannot say I know how you feel. This is because you are a different individual, and I am not you. I am not in your shoes. I did not have the relationship you had with your loved one. I do not have the thoughts and personality you have nor do I have exactly the same coping skills you possess. Each of us, who has experienced loss, share some common feelings and reactions; but our grief is not the same.

Just as grief varies among different mourners, it is important to understand that it also varies within families. Not understanding the uniqueness of each person’s grief can compound the difficulty of the grieving process. It can even lead to problems between family members.

I counseled a couple whose child died. Each parent grieved in different ways. One parent was more emotional and cried a great deal. This parent also wanted to go to the cemetery every day. The other parent, coming from a family background of more stoic people, was more hesitant to show grieving behaviors. This parent also felt going to the cemetery was unnecessary. This parent did not feel the child was there nor was it a comforting activity. Each parent thought the other parent was not grieving in the right way and began to question the love each had for the child. Through counseling, this couple began to see there was no right or wrong way to grieve. Eventually, they were able to support each other instead of letting the death put a wedge between them.

So it is with all mourners. Some mourners are very emotional with their grief and will openly cry, wail, or show distraught behaviors. Others may be more reserved and not show the deep hurt they feel. Neither one is the wrong way to grieve, but each mourner must grieve in the way that helps him the most.

Author Ted Menten uses the illustration of putting on your shoes and socks to illustrate this difference in grieving patterns. Two children in his camp for kids undergoing chemotherapy were arguing about the correct way to put on their shoes and socks. One boy said that it was sock, sock, then shoe, shoe. The other boy was indignant with this process and steadfastly held to the idea that the correct way to do it was to put on a sock and a shoe, then the other sock and a shoe. Mr. Menten broke up the argument by suggesting they both wear sandals that day. However, he says that it reminded him one must be careful about giving absolute answers to questions because a wise person knows there are many paths through a forest. So it is with the journey of grief. There are many paths through the forest of grief.

Another difference in the pattern of grief is the amount of time it takes for the journey. There is no time limit! It takes what it takes. Some people will process the grief faster than others. Some people move very slowly through their grieving process. There are so many variables to consider in determining the length of time. The age of the deceased, the relationship with the mourner, the coping skills of the mourner, and the circumstances of the death are just a few of the things impacting the length of time for grieving.

Length of the grieving period has absolutely nothing to do with how much you loved the person who died. The difference in the length of each person’s grieving period is quite often greatly misunderstood by our society. This is most difficult for the mourner when others put a time constraint on the process. Others often blame widows and widowers if they start another relationship or marry too soon. I stress to clients, who ask how long their grief will last, the lack of a prescribed time limit to grief. Many mourners fear they are taking too long. It will take you as long as it takes you. Let no one dictate your grief.

Your relationship with the deceased loved one is like no other. Therefore, your grief will be different from the grief of others, no matter what their relationship was with the deceased. This is not to say others are not grieving. It simply means your grief, like your fingerprint, is unique only to you.

Your journey through grief is a journey through the seasons of healing. Dr. Bozarth calls this the seasons of the soul. She calls this a journey through death and loss into renewal and life. You have fall (the death); winter (the mourning period); spring (the planting of new seeds, new life choices); and finally, summer (new blooms once more), which is a time of renewal of your life. The time of renewal means you are successfully living a different life without the physical presence of your loved one.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt says the journey through death and loss into renewal and life exemplifies grief is a process. It is not an event with a beginning and end. There is no such thing as one and done when you are grieving. The process of grief is an ebbing and flowing of emotions. One experiences ups and downs, along with constant changes, which slowly move one forward with the new life created by the loss. It also means you are on a journey with no time deadline. You are mapping your own course and following your own timetable. This understanding gives you permission to grieve the way you personally need to grieve. It allows you to have your own personal grief and enables you to allow others the same opportunity. Just as no two snowflakes are the same, no mourners grieve in exactly the same grief pattern.

Why do you grieve for loved ones who have died? Basically, you grieve because you lost something you loved very much. Grief is the flip side of the coin of love. Because you loved and loved deeply, you hurt to your core when the object of that love is taken away. Actually, you are grieving for yourself and your own sense of loss. The loved one who died no longer has physical feelings, but you are left behind—alive and capable of feeling—therefore, you are experiencing great emotional pain.

Grieving is a necessary and important process for your physical and mental well-being. It is a job, which must be done. Understanding the process is the major key to coping with loss. Doug Manning, in his writings on grief, says it is a natural reaction. He says that just as you rest when you are tired, drink when you are thirsty, cry out when you have pain, you grieve when you suffer loss. Grieving is a healing process for deep hurt.

The more intense the love, the more intense the hurt is when the loved one dies. The only way to avoid the pain of loss is to avoid loving or investing in anyone in your life. What an apathetic, hollow existence that would be! I do not believe anyone would give up a moment of happiness with the loved one in order to avoid the pain of loss. Loving makes a person vulnerable to hurt. But avoidance of loving in order to avoid pain makes a person live in the shadow of life—not fully participating, not committing, and not receiving the joy of fully living.

Since death and loss are such a part of the life cycle and will touch each of us numerous times in our lifetime before it actually comes for us, why are we so unprepared for grief? Part of that answer is that we live in a death-defying society. People do not want to dwell on the unpleasant subject of death. It is not a popular topic to discuss. Our society becomes uncomfortable when people show great distress or emotion. C. S. Lewis, in his book A Grief Observed, said the following in discussing his experiences after the loss of his wife:

An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet . . . perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers.

This was the first time in his life he felt so vulnerable. He felt he presented people with a problem of what to do with him. This is an excellent example of the fact that people do not know what to do or say to the person who is bereft. This reluctance to discuss death causes problems for not only the bereaved, but also for those people who would like to be able to help the mourner.

Acceptance of death is hard for our society. Talking about death often is seen as a negative attitude. No one wants to mention the d word. Since it is an uncomfortable topic for most people, when a death occurs, the survivor is unprepared to grieve. Those who could be of the most help don’t know what to do or say. So living in this death-defying society, you find yourself rushing to get back to normal, not knowing how to deal with death as a natural experience of the life cycle.

Another reason for being unprepared to grieve has to do with the medical and technological advances made in the world today. Before modern technology, it was a common part of life for births and deaths to take place in the family home environment. Death often happened due to the lack of medical expertise in treating many common illnesses. The death toll among the young and elderly was very high. So death was a life event, which happened often and was a less formalized process than it is in our modern world. In early centuries most people died in the family environment surrounded by their loved ones. Compare that process to today where over 60% die in institutions such as hospitals and nursing homes.

With the advances in medical treatments, many procedures can be done to sustain life. Medical technology has contributed greatly to the decline of the death rate and increase of life expectancy. Hope that something can be done beats in the hearts of everyone when a loved one grows ill. There are many medical miracles performed today to save people who would have perished in previous years. Death is kept at bay, and life is sustained.

In order for life to be sustained, it requires the loved one to be in a facility with constant medical monitoring and care beyond what the family can do. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does remove families a step