The Hilarious Misadventures of Tubby and Mater J

By David Gordon

This book is a laugh out loud retelling of two best friends learning and growing through everyday life during high school.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Jul 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781458217066

David Gordon

David Gordon was born in New York City. He attended Sarah Lawrence College and holds an MA in English and Comparative Literature and an MFA in Writing, both from Columbia University, and has worked in film, fashion, publishing, and pornography. His first novel, The Serialist, won the VCU/Cabell First Novel Award and was a finalist for an Edgar Award. His work has also appeared in The Paris Review, Purple, and Fence among other publications.

Book preview

IN THE BEGINNING

M Y BEST FRIEND IN HIGH school was Mater J. She meant the world to me during those formidable years. I met Mater J at the annual company picnic for the factory where my mom and hers worked. We were mere acquaintances for the next few years. We really didn’t get close until my junior year in high school.

We both began attending a small Christian school that fall in the small town we grew up in. Both of us had left all the friends we had ever known behind to begin this adventure at a new school. We started talking and hit it off almost immediately.

For a while, we did everything together. At one point we even worked together. We talked to each other about everything that was going on in our drama filled teenage lives. I was closer to Mater J during those years than I was to anyone. I loved her like a sister and would do anything in the world for her.

Like most friends in high school, we had our issues. We got along great most days, but there were times she could kill me. The reason our relationship worked so well was because we challenged each other. We were both smart kids and knew what we needed to do in most situations. We leaned on each other to tell us the obvious.

We spent two years together at the end of our high school career. There are so many stories I could tell about the different adventures she and I shared. The ones included on the following pages cover a few short months that first semester at the Christian school. I put them down in chronological order as best I could remember.

Unfortunately, Mater J and I drifted apart after graduating from high school. We both married and began families of our own. Life interrupted the carefree days we shared in high school.

A few years after graduating I received the tragic news that Mater J was gone. She had left this world all too soon. She was a special angel sent to earth for a short time and God called her home.

As you might imagine, dealing with the sudden and tragic loss of someone who was such a big part of my teenage years was more than difficult. To aid in the grieving process, my pastor had me sit down and right out everything this special woman had meant to me.

I took his advice to heart and about a year later I finished writing everything I could remember about the time I spent with Mater J. I ended up with several hundred pages of memories of all the crazy things we did. I never intended on sharing these stories with anyone.

Several years have passed since I first sat down and wrote about Mater J. I’ve decided to share these stories with the world for one simple reason. My hope is that somehow the joy that she brought in to my life will transcend these pages and bring joy and laughter to all who read it.

CHAPTER ONE

A walk in the woods

O NE AFTERNOON ON HER WAY to work, Mater J ran her car off the road and ended up with a flat tire. She called me to see if I could help. Of course, being the man I am, I couldn’t deny a damsel in distress. I jumped in my car and drove the few miles to where she was and fixed her car for her. While I was changing the tire, Mater J was walking around aimlessly in the field she had parked in.

Hey Tubby, there’s a trail leading in to the woods over there she said. I wonder where it leads to.

How in the world should I know? I replied.

Man you can be such a pain sometimes.

Really, I’m the pain. I had to leave basketball practice and drive all the way out here to the middle of nowhere to change your flat tire for you because you dropped your cigarette in the floor, but I’m the pain.

Come on Tubby, you know you love me.

Of course I do, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be out here laying on the ground getting the jack out from under your car.

Well come on then, let’s go see where this trail leads. There’s no telling what’s at the end of it.

But Mater, aren’t you supposed to be going to work?

I’ve already called and told my boss I was having car trouble and wouldn’t be able to make it in today. Besides all I’m doing is entering his records in to his new computer. It’ll be fine.

But I’ve got to get back to practice. Coach is expecting me back anytime.

Tubby, I’m going to follow that trail, with or without you.

You can’t. Your sense of direction is so bad you’ll end up lost. You know you can’t find your way out of a wet paper bag.

Ha-ha. You’re right, so you better go with me so I don’t get lost, otherwise you’ll just have to come back out here after practice and find me in the dark. And besides, if I go without you and do get lost, it’ll be all your fault and my mom will skin you alive because you let me go alone.

Mater, you’re not right. You can’t bring your momma in to this. She would absolutely kill me if she found out I was out here and let you walk into those woods alone. Although, it’s not like I could stop you from doing anything you wanted, anyway.

So come on then, what are you waiting for?

You know Amy’s going to kill us when she finds out we went exploring without her.

She’ll be all right. It’s not going to kill her to miss out on a boring walk through the woods.

Fine I said, let’s go if we’re going.

So we started down the trail that afternoon having no idea where it led, whose property it was or what was at the end of it. As we began walking, we were talking about everything that was going on in our drama filled lives. Mater J had a new love interest in her life. Amy was infatuated with one of our teachers, and that was always a great topic of conversation.

So, how are things going with what’s his name? I asked.

His name is Jeff, and things are going ok, I guess. She replied.

Just ok huh, don’t sound too sure about that one.

There’s something about him, I can’t quite figure out what it is, but something that’s a little off with him.

Ok, not sure what to say here. I know you like this guy because you won’t quit talking about him.

I know you get tired of hearing about my boring love life.

Nah, I could listen to you talk about your ‘boring’ love life all day long.

We both laughed as we continued down this strange trail that seemed to be leading to nowhere.

So, what is it about him that has your wheels turning? I asked.

I don’t know he just seems to be holding something back. It’s almost like there’s a part of him that he doesn’t want me to know.

Have you asked him about it?

I haven’t really; I don’t know how to approach the subject with him?

Have you thought about the direct approach, you know, just come out and ask him what it is?

Yes I thought about it, but I think I may be afraid of the answer.

Wouldn’t you rather know now, instead of finding out it’s something bad later?

I don’t know! Why do you always ask me the hard questions? Why not just say ‘Hey Mater, I’m glad you like this guy, and I’m glad you’re happy.’ Why do you always have to make me think about everything? You’re a real pain in the butt sometimes Tubby!

You’re the one that said there was something about him that was causing you concern, Mater! I’m just trying to get you to talk about it and see what’s going on. Besides, you know you love it when I make you think. That’s why you love me so much. I challenge you, I’m not your ‘yes’ man.

Yes, I know! You always make me think about everything. Sometimes I absolutely hate that. Sometimes, I just want to go walking through the woods, with my best friend, and not think. Sometimes I just want to enjoy myself.

You mean like the way you were enjoying yourself earlier after I kicked your butt in those Tetris games in the computer lab.

Hey I actually won a couple games today! That’s how I got to get my back rub.

Did you ever think I let you win just so I could give you that back rub?

In your dreams, I beat you fair and square.

Just keep telling yourself that sweetheart.

Come on Tubby, you know you can rub my back anytime you want. You don’t have to ‘let’ me beat you at Tetris.

Yeah, I know. It’s such a privilege to massage your back and shoulders. There’s nothing in this world I’d rather do than give you a back massage.

I knew it! she said laughing.

Good grief Mater, how far does this trail go anyway? It seems like we’ve been walking forever. I wonder if it ends anywhere or not.

Come on Mr. Star Athlete. Don’t tell me the captain of the basketball team is going to tucker out on me.

No, I’m just saying, we’ve been walking for like 20 minutes and there’s no end in sight.

It’s got to lead somewhere. I mean, what sense would it make to have a trail in the middle of the woods that led nowhere.

I don’t know. For all we know this trail is just doubling back and leading us right back to our cars.

Yeah, but it’s been fun. We’ve been walking and talking all this time. It’s nice to just get away and have time to ourselves.

We continued walking silently for a few minutes, just enjoying the beauty of Mother Nature. We laughed about anything and everything. We stopped for a few minutes and watched as a doe led her two fawns through the woods, down to a small spring that was a few yards from the trail. We listened to the birds as they sang their beautiful songs without a care in the world. After walking for what seemed like forever, the trail started to take an uphill turn.

Look Mater, I said, It looks like the woods are clearing somewhat.

Yeah, I see. You know it’s starting to get dark. We’re going to have fun trekking back to the cars in the dark. I can’t believe I let you talk me into hiking through the woods this late in the afternoon.

What! I didn’t talk you into this afternoon hike through the woods. This was your idea Mater. If I remember right, I tried to talk you out of taking this hike today.

Whatever, Tubby; this is entirely your fault; just ask me, I’ll tell you.

It looks like the trail ends right up there. Looks like some kind of cliff or something. I said.

I see it. We’ve come this far, we might as well go to the end, don’t you think?

Can’t see what a few more minutes can hurt. I’m already going to have to run laps tomorrow for missing practice today; even though I was saving a damsel in distress.

Yeah, and we both know there’s no way the great Tubby can resist a damsel in distress. That’s one of your best qualities, you know. You’re such a sweet guy and a great friend.

Awe shucks Mater, you’re making me blush.

We both laughed loudly at this. We walked to the top of the hill and sit down beneath a large oak tree. I picked up a twig and started to chew on it.

You shouldn’t chew on that thing Tubby; you never know what animal might have done its business around here.

Well, if I had known we were going to be out here all day long I would have brought my cigarettes with me instead of leaving them in the car. I’m going to chew on this here twig to fight the urge I have for a cigarette.

Here, take one of mine and stop your whining.

Yours are lights, better give me two. Smoking yours will be like sucking air.

Fine, I don’t care. I’ll give you ten if it’ll make you shut up for a few minutes.

I’ve got an idea Mater. Since we’re already here and we’re going to be walking back in the dark anyway, why don’t we just sit here and watch the sunset?

That’s a good idea, Tubby. I haven’t watched a sunset in a while.

We sit there talking as we watched the sun slowly descend down beyond the horizon. The sky was painted a beautiful orange. I watched her as she lay back against the tree and stared at the amazing skyline. A few minutes after the sun went down, the warmth of the afternoon began to slip away and a slight chill started to move in.

Mater, we probably should start heading back. I don’t want your mom to worry about you if you’re too late.

Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll just follow you to your house and call her so she doesn’t worry.

Ok, sounds good to me.

Well then, let’s get out of here. It’s going to be a long walk back to the cars in the dark. She said.

Lead the way baby. I’m right behind you. I replied.

It took about an hour for us to get back to our cars and another twenty minutes to get to my house. She called her mom and let her know that she was with me and she was fine. After she hung up, we decided to go back outside and talk some more. We sit on the swing outside and stared at the stars for a while. We didn’t say much, we just sat and watched the stars slowly rotate around us. It was a beautiful night and the sky was so clear. The moon was full, and the constellations were out in all their glory. It was just about the perfect night.

Mater, I broke the silence, I’ve got to tell you something.

What is it Tubby? she replied.

I’m kind of glad you got a flat tire today. It’s been a while since we had the chance to hang out like this.

I know; I’ve enjoyed it myself. Too bad I’ve got to leave in a few minutes and go home. I can’t miss curfew, otherwise there won’t be any more nights like this for a while. If I’m late, I’ll be grounded for a month.

You told your mom you were with me, right?

Of course I did.

Then you’ll be fine, remember your mom loves me more than you do.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, you’re the good child and everyone loves you. Still, I promised mom I’d be home on time tonight, so I guess I better do it.

Alright then, I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Call me when you get home so I know you made it there ok.

You know I will.

Be careful going home, and don’t run off the road again. You only had one spare.

Shut up Tubby.

CHAPTER 2

Jason gets inked!

T HE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL Mater, Amy and I were standing in the hallway talking about nothing in particular like teenagers do. The usual topics were covered like what we did the previous night, how much homework we had to do and such like that.

Man, I’m telling you this, I’m about sick of having to do all this English homework already. Amy said.

Whatever Amy, you know you’d do anything Mr. Jones asked you to. Mater joked.

Except this crazy homework, She replied.

I don’t see how you’re able to learn anything while you’re in his class anyway. I interjected, You’re always sitting there staring at him when you should be paying attention.

I do pay attention Tubby, I can tell you anything you want to know about my Freshman English teacher.

Yeah, except for what he’s teaching about. Mater teased.

You guys are so mean to me! Amy said.

Come on Amy, you know we’re just teasing you. We both said in unison.

"Yeah Amy, If we didn’t pick on you, you’d think we didn’t