Resilient: My Story, God's Glory

By Robin T. Terry

This captivating and powerful story of a woman who faced pregnancy as a teenage girl is a must-read. Resilient: My Story, God's Glory is a fierce, raw, and honest tale about Terry's determination to become a success despite her failures. Robin shares her story of resilience and self-discovery in this coming-of-age memoir. This is an uncensored s

• Language: English
• Publisher: ARI SYMONE PUBLISHING
• Release date: Feb 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781733398817

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ARI SYMONE PUBLISHING

Resilient: My Story, God’s Glory

Copyright © 2019 by Robin Terry

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, or distributed in any printed, electronic, mechanical, or photocopy form- except for brief quotations in printed reviews without written permission from the publisher.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Used by Permission HCSB ©1999,2000,2002,2003,2009 Holman Bible Publishers. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB®, and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

First Printed: February 2020 / Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-7333988-2-4 (Hardback)

ISBN: 978-1-7333988-1-7 (E-book)

ISBN: 978-1-7333988-0-0 (Paperback)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019919002

Photographer: Susan Heard Photography

Cover Design: 5MediaDesign

To my darling Ariel, being your mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You are my sunshine! To my strong and beautiful mother, thank you for always being there for me. You are the most precious jewel I’ll ever know.

Contents

Preface

xi

Resilient through Rejection

5

Resilient through Unwise Choices

95

Resilient through Pain

139

Resilient through Deception

191

Resilient through Fear

229

Afterword

280

Acknowledgements

283

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

I remember it just like it was yesterday...

1/24/1998

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, I lost my virginity and sex was not as good as I thought it was going to be.  All I could feel during the entire act was numb.  There was no emotion or love felt like the people in the movies.  On TV, they made it seem like sex was awesome, and it would be the best experience of my life.  I beg to differ; it sucked.  My eyes weren’t rolling in the back of my head.  I felt no magic, no spark.  It didn’t feel good.  When Austin was done, I got up and went into the house.  Blood was all over my stomach and legs.  It was like I was having my period for the last time.  I thought I would feel like a woman, but all I feel is shame and disgust with myself.  It was nothing like I imagined it would be.  Austin got more pleasure out of this horrible experience than I did.  I mean, really?  I’m so pissed. Not only that, I feel like I disappointed my mom.  In the back of mind, she was screaming, Don’t do it!  Or was it God? Either way, something was trying to keep me from making a mistake. Truth is, I didn’t want to, but Austin kept asking and pushing the issue.  He didn’t force me, but he sure as hell got on my nerves about sex until I gave in. At first, he was like, I wanna fuck you so bad.  When I asked him to repeat himself, he changed his tune and said, I wanna make love to you. You’re so pure.  I should have known right then what the real deal was, but I stayed in the relationship and kept talking to him even though it made me uncomfortable. 

After about a month and a half of him bringing it up, I went along with it.  I almost lost my nerve yesterday. Then I asked my sister, Dionne, what I should do.  She said, I don’t know, but if you do, you need to use a condom.  I didn’t have any condoms, and neither did Austin. He said he didn’t want to use one and sex would feel better without it. When I look back on it, that should have been a red flag. How would he know when he had told me that he was still a virgin?  Anyway, I agreed; we were both virgins. What’s the worst that could happen?

I went outside in a t-shirt and a pair of panties. It was dark outside so my next-door neighbor Cynthia, who also happens to be my cousin, couldn’t see me.  It was between 6:00 and 6:30 in the evening. It was the perfect time; Austin was supposed to pick up Dionne and me to meet our mom at Pizza Hut around 7:30. Well, I got into his green mustang. As soon as I got in, he started kissing and licking on me right away. I wanted to take a moment to think, but it was like he knew I would change my mind or something. It was all going along too fast. Before I knew it, he laid me down on the backseat and was bumping and grinding away. He didn’t give my body time to adjust to him. I couldn’t feel much. I just felt pain, and then I was numb. I guess the whole act lasted a few minutes or so. It wasn’t that long.

At fifteen years old, I don’t know what making love is, but I’m almost positive it should be a little slower and more sensual, pleasurable even. He didn’t take his time with me at all. No wonder there was blood everywhere.

Anyway, I pretended to be happy and pleased in his presence, but I was really upset and thinking what the hell did I just do?  I felt different, like a piece of me had just gone missing. What was it? Who am I now? Am I the same person? I got out of the car and ran into the house straight to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I looked the same, but I felt strange like something was off. Austin waited outside while I cleaned myself up.  I told Dionne about my experience and the blood. All she said was, I hope you used a condom. When I was ready, Dionne and I went outside to get in the car to leave.  Before going to Pizza Hut, we stopped by JB’s house. He’s one of Austin’s friends that lives on the other side of town. Austin had taken his t-shirt off to clean up the inside of the car while I was in the house because blood had also gotten on the backseat. He asked JB for a hot towel to finish cleaning up what the t-shirt didn’t get. JB immediately knew what had gone down by what he saw. I was completely embarrassed; that wasn’t anything I wanted anyone else to know. When we left there, we drove to Pizza Hut. The ride there was awkward for me. I didn’t have much to say. I was still drowning in my thoughts.

When we walked inside Pizza Hut, Mama was already there. We sat down with her to eat. Some of our friends from school were there, but I went to my mom instead. She kept staring at me like she knew what I had done. Then she said something really weird to me.  You look different. What’s going on? I wanted to melt into the floor. How could she know?

I glanced up at her and said, Nothing, just sleepy, hoping she wouldn’t see through my lie.  I knew she knew I was lying because a mother always knows. But she dropped it and changed the subject. Thank the Lord! Now all I can say is Father, please forgive me, and please don’t let me be pregnant. It seemed like all of that blood was a sign.  I’m only fifteen, and I don’t want a baby.  Amen. 

I am the youngest of four children. I have an older brother and two older sisters. I grew up in a town called West Point, MS; the smallest of two larger towns that make up the Golden Triangle. The Golden Triangle consists of West Point, Columbus, and Starkville, MS.  In small-town West Point during the ‘80s and ‘90s, there were smaller communities where both good and bad news spread quickly. It was a blessing and a curse. As a young child, I heard a lot of things I shouldn’t have heard. I saw a lot of things I wish I had not seen.

For the first nine years of my life, my mother was a single parent. She was in a relationship with my dad, but they weren’t married. My mom had a three-bedroom with one-bathroom apartment she was raising the four of us in. We lived in low-income subsidy housing, in a neighborhood called Dunlap Acres. My sisters and I shared one room. My brother had his room to himself. My mother had the third bedroom. Mama raised all of us to love and care for one another. She always said, When I’m dead and gone, you’ll only have each other. So, love each other and take care of each other. Our home was filled with a lot of love. Mama did the best that she could to take care of us. She had incredible strength.

During my early childhood, I watched my mother work to support our family and go to nursing school. She would get up at five o’clock in the morning to go to class. I remember one day when I was maybe seven or eight years old, I saw mama at the kitchen table crying. I went over to comfort her. I wanted to know what was wrong. She told me that her professor failed her. The class was one that she needed to move forward in the program to start clinical training. I felt so bad for her. Although Mama could have quit because she was discouraged, she kept going. She applied to Itawamba Community College in Fulton, MS to start their nursing program. Mama had to commute about an hour to and from class on most days of the week. Mama later graduated with her nursing degree; all while raising four children on her own. That is how I learned what perseverance looked like.

My dad was raised a country boy, turned mechanic, turned carpenter. Daddy worked just as hard as Mama did. He worked while he went to college to help cover his tuition. As my grandmother’s only living son, he made sure Grandma had what she needed. He was the man of the house and had been for a long time. Daddy went to college at Mississippi State University. He later got accepted into the University of Mississippi College of Pharmacy. He was as busy as Mama was; he worked on cars, school buses, houses, and various other projects all while attending college. My dad was well-known by a lot of people in our small town. He was also an ordained deacon in the church and a Sunday School teacher. Daddy graduated from pharmacy school in the early ‘90s.  

I learned what strength, perseverance, and resilience looked like from both parents. So, failure wasn’t an option for me. I worked hard in school to make good grades. I wanted to be the best student in the class. I was competitive when it came to my grades. It was how my friends and I pushed each other to excel. By the time I got to junior high, I knew I was going to college. I also knew that I wanted to be in healthcare. I was torn between following my dad’s footsteps to become a pharmacist or going to medical school. Though I noticed boys and wanted to date a little, I was more focused on school and enjoying life.

When I was in eighth grade, Austin wanted to court me, but I wasn’t interested. There was another boy I liked. His name was Alex. I had the biggest crush on Alex. He was so cute with his black wavy hair and smooth brown skin. I didn’t think of any other boys; only Alex. By the time I was allowed to date, the crush I had on Alex was long gone. Eventually, I started dating Austin. My relationship with Austin was one that changed my life as I knew it, forever.

Resilient through Rejection...

1

After I gave away the most precious thing I had, Austin and I remained in a relationship for a little while longer, but things were different. He still held my hand at school, and we even talked on the phone. We still hung out together, but everything had changed. Our relationship was no longer innocent love. It was no longer what I would call ‘puppy love.’ He brought up sex even more since we had done it already. I still didn’t feel too comfortable doing it because it felt wrong, so I blew him off and changed the subject when he brought it up. We did have sex one more time. I had convinced my mom to let me go over to Tyra’s, my oldest sister, apartment. He came over, and we had a quickie while she was in the shower. After we finished having sex, I noticed a fishy odor. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say anything about it to Austin. I don’t know if he noticed it or not, but I did. Mama always taught me to pay attention to my body because if something is not right, I should be the first person to know. At that moment, I knew something was not right. I just didn’t know what it was.  After Austin was gone, my mom picked me up to take me home later that night. When I got in the car, as always, she knew something wasn’t right. She asked me, What is that smell? I smell fish. How did she know these things?   I told her my sister had cooked some fish, and that was the end of it. 

Over the next several days, I woke up, got dressed, went to school, gave the teacher my attention in class, went home, took a nap, got up to do homework, ate dinner, did my chores, and went to bed again. I repeated this cycle every day. It’s like someone had put me on autopilot, and I was going through the motions.  It was time for my period around the first week of February, but I was spotting a lot.  Mama asked me if my period had started because she kept up with it.  I told her yes, neglecting to mention I was only spotting. No need to worry her or me, right?  I was hoping that I wasn’t pregnant; that would be an awful thing.  First off, my parents would kill me.  There was no way I could take care of a baby. I couldn’t even take care of myself, which made me regret January 23 more and more.  Oh, how I wished I had just said no that day.  Why in the hell didn’t I go with my gut and say, Hell to the no! I’m not ready, and you can’t pressure me. I felt stupid.

Furthermore, what really had me upset was that the blood from my period was a dark reddish-brown color, and it had a foul odor. The smell was horrible. I didn’t even want to go to the bathroom to pee. There was no way I could tell my mother about it because then she would know I’d had sex with someone. There was no way I could tell anybody. I was too embarrassed to say anything to Lillie or Shanda, my best friends, and too ashamed to tell my mother. All I could do was pray to the good Lord that it would all go away.

I wished a thousand times I could turn back the hands of time. I would do that dreadful day differently.  I would’ve changed everything. But, in life, we learn that we can’t undo what’s already been done.  I would have to suffer whatever the consequences would be. Austin had been distant toward me since the last time we had sex.  I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him what was going on with me.  It was almost as if he didn’t want to have anything else to do with me.  I should have known that would happen; my mama warned my sisters and me about this very thing. She would always say, Keep the door of the church closed. Keep the lock on your pocketbook, and one of my favorites, Don’t let everybody see your feet. When we were disobedient, she would say, A hard head makes a soft ass. I must say, my ass was feeling mighty soft.

One day, I remember I was at school, and I couldn’t get the thought of being pregnant out of my head. I walked into class, took my seat behind Lillie, and I whispered in her ear, If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anybody? I knew I shouldn’t have told her, but I had to talk to someone to get the heaviness off my chest.

I promise, she said, as she leaned to her left side to hear.

I think I might be pregnant, I blurted out.  Lillie looked at me in disbelief, and then said, I knew this was going to happen.

How did you know?

Because you kept talking about doing it with him. Why didn’t you use a condom?

I don’t know. I didn’t think I would get pregnant. I counted the days on the calendar. I must have counted it wrong. Plus, he didn’t want to use a condom. She shook her head from side to side in disapproval. I couldn’t say anything more. My sister had warned me about the same thing, but I didn’t listen. God, why didn’t I listen? Was I that desperate to please a boy?

What are you gonna do?

Honestly, I don’t know, I said through tears.  We were at school. I couldn’t wail the way I wanted to without all the other kids around noticing. I wanted to let out all of my pent-up frustrations. But I couldn’t, not at school and not at home.  Lillie could probably tell I was about to explode. She said, Maybe it’s just stress, Robin. Don’t freak out yet.

Okay. Maybe she was right. There was no need to freak out yet. At least I was spotting some blood. That’s a good sign, right? Although I was hoping it was a good sign, deep down I knew it wasn’t.

The bell rang, indicating it was time for class to start. I quickly gathered my thoughts so I could pay attention in class. I loved my French teacher, Mrs. Portnoy and the class. When class was over, Lillie and I walked out together, heading to our lockers.

On our way, I saw Austin in the hallway with his friends laughing and joking around.  He was dressed in khakis and a red polo shirt. He was fine at about five-seven, smooth golden skin, and a smile with straight white teeth to die for.  His hair was freshly cut, and he was feeling himself that day.  He looked good, and he knew it.  He looked at me and turned his head like I wasn’t even there.  Before he got in my panties, he would rush over to help me with my books or stand with me at my locker. Then, he had the nerve to act like he didn’t even see me.

Did you see that? I asked Lillie.

Sure did. He has some nerve; that’s cold.

I ought to go over there and slap the taste out his mouth!

No, girl, don’t worry about it. Just act like you don’t see him either. She was exactly right. Why should I make a scene in front of everyone for a boy who clearly wasn’t as into me as I thought he was?

Valentine’s Day was just a few days away, and I was hoping everything would get better for us. When I ran into Austin at the end of the school day, while walking out to catch the bus home, I was still feeling stupid. I had not talked to him in a while; it was kind of awkward. We stared at each other, me in disbelief, and him in...what? Disregard maybe. Is this dude going to speak to me or what? With frustration, I spoke up first.

Hey

What’s up? he asked, displaying a blank expression. I was trying to read him, but I couldn’t.  I didn’t know what he was going to say next.

Why have you been ignoring me? I blurted out.

I haven’t been ignoring you! He said, a bit too loudly and with too much attitude.

Yes, you have! You were acting like you didn’t even see me the other day when you were with your boys, and you haven’t returned any of my phone calls! By then, I was pissed off and didn’t mind letting him know it.

Whatever, dude.

Whatever, dude? I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard.

Look, I’m just tired of you okay, he said, looking away. He looked to the left of my face, then down at the floor. Without saying another word, he stalked off.

I was stunned, speechless.  It felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  I was deeply hurt. I willingly gave Austin my virginity.  I stayed up many nights, losing sleep while talking on the phone with him.  I went against my gut instinct and everything my parents taught me to give him what he wanted.  Then, he said he was tired of me. How could this be happening to me? What the hell had just happened? It was over just as fast as it had begun.  I felt like such a fool. Valentine’s Day was right around the corner. Not only would I not be receiving a Valentine’s gift from the one guy I thought loved me, but I could also be pregnant and would be raising the child alone.

I didn’t want to go to school over the next couple of weeks. I had some of my friends ask me what happened between Austin and me. I told them exactly what he said. Mom asked, but I was too ashamed to tell her. So, I just told her we broke up. I assumed she didn’t want to pry because she didn’t ask me anything else about it. Although I was upset about it, I tried not to let it control me. I couldn’t keep my mind off of the fact that I wouldn’t feel as bad as I felt if I had not had sex with him.

IT WAS EARLY MARCH. The weather was mild that day. When I got home from school, I was tired. I went directly to my room to take a nap. As I was dozing off to sleep, I heard my sister, Dionne, sweeping the hallway floor. She woke me up when she saw Mama coming into the driveway. She was home early from work. Mama worked as a registered nurse in the emergency department of the county hospital in Starkville. Starkville, MS, a small city, is the home of the Mississippi State University Bulldogs. The drive from West Point to