An Authentic Path of Healing: Finding Compassion and Faith Through Trauma and Chronic Illness

By Silvi Moksha

We live in a complex world filled with materialism and ego-driven needs, disconnected from our source. Time is speeding up as we rush about frantically, stuck in a race. We are enslaved by our conditioned minds, victims to a limited, subjective perception of life. Weve drifted away from harmonious coexistence with nature, spirit, and one another and are plagued by imbalance, unhappiness, and disease. But our souls are ever present, calling us home, and it is through encountering illness, loss, and adversity that we can transform and find our way to hope, love, and peace.

Klara was one such being, empty and exhausted, running on autopilot and entirely missing the present moment. She has lived through trauma and chronic stress and became absorbed by illness, struggling with fibromyalgia and irritable bowel syndrome. But the more the darkness set in, the stronger her desire for freedom became, bringing to light the secrets of healing.

Come discover a passionate journey to self-discovery and healing. Reconnect with faith, love, self-compassion, and, most of all, your soul. Come see that freedom and joy is possible. Become inspired to begin an authentic path of healing of your own and reclaim your passion for life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: May 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452594309

Silvi Moksha

Silvi Moksha was born in Czechoslovakia and she immigrated to Canada at the age of 15. She graduated from the University of Toronto with Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology and Occupational Therapy. She has worked in mental health over the past 14 years. Through her clinical practice, as well as continued education, she gained much expertise in understanding the complex nature of illness and healing. Silvi’s knowledge of the mind-body-spirit connection and the healing potential, was amplified through her personal experience with trauma and chronic illness. Consumed by pain and numb to life, she pursued various treatment modalities, as well as an extensive study of many holistic, spiritual, and self-help practices. She expanded her knowledge and her self-awareness, she reconnected with spirit, and she began to heal. Silvi currently lives in Toronto, Ontario, with her husband and their cat. She works in a local hospital on inpatient psychiatry. She continues to actively participate in her own healing, while expanding her knowledge and clinical skills, in order to fulfill her deep passion for helping others heal. www.anauthenticpathofhealing.com

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PART I

The Early Experiences

CHAPTER 1

The child

I T WAS PROBABLY one of her earliest and clearest memories. Not a memory of an event, but a memory of a recurring moment - a feeling, a sensation, or a thought perhaps. She was lying in bed, sharing the room with her sister, in a three-bedroom apartment. Her parents were next door, in the living room. They were still up. She could hear their distant voices intermixed with the sounds coming from the TV. It was dark and she couldn’t sleep. She heard her sister breathing rhythmically. She was small but couldn’t recall her age. She stared out the window, and she caught the movement of the tree branches, as they cast their shadows on the walls inside the room. There was something comforting about the darkness and the silence of the night. She felt quietly peaceful and totally present, scanning the different parts of the room which the outdoor lamp cast the light on, while interchangeably glancing out the window.

There was nothing on her mind at first - or so it seemed. And then, all of a sudden, a powerful and clear thought arose out of nothingness, and it was accompanied by a strong feeling of yearning. She caught herself wondering where she came from, who she was, and what was beyond this world she knew. She wondered what it meant that there was space and universe and stars. What was hiding behind the dark, silent night and the infinite sky? The questions seemed incredibly important somehow. Like a mission - a mission which called for exploration and investigation. She closed her eyes and saw the vastness of the night’s sky in her mind’s eye. First, she saw the stars from a distance - the way she would if she was standing outside on the street looking up. But gradually, she felt herself flying up into the sky, higher and higher, all the way out into space. She was getting closer to the intense darkness and nothingness. It wasn’t a physical flight of course. It was a mental flight, with her deeper inner being propelling her body forward, moving her out into the universe. And it was an emotional flight as well, as if her soul was somehow moving through all the time and space. She wondered how far the universe expanded, and how much of it was made up of stars, and how much of an empty space. And if there was just emptiness beyond all those stars, then what did that emptiness feel like and look like? And if there was an end to the universe, then what was beyond that end? And what did the end look like anyway? Was there some kind of a wall, or a gate perhaps? And if it didn’t end, if it expanded forever, then what was infinity exactly like? Did it have a particular smell, or a texture, perhaps?

There was no logic to her thoughts, just a feeling. But the feeling didn’t just stop at wondering and pondering and questioning. It actually proceeded to Klara sensing some sort of an answer. A perception, that in just another moment she’ll understand where it all came from. That in just another moment she’ll understand what’s out there, where it all began, where it might end, and for what purpose. Where did she come from? Where did everyone and everything come from? Oh, it felt as if she was so close to the answers. She could feel the excitement, the connection, the peace. She actually felt very spacious and light in those moments. She felt, as if though she could almost reach it, become part of it. But she never quite reached that place of knowing. The images continued for a while, like a rare visitor teasing her and calling her, making her feel as if she was getting closer and closer to the big mystery of the human existence. But not close enough. Somehow she always found herself back, lying on her bed in the darkness of her room, filled with many more questions but no answers. Disappointed - yet puzzled, curious, intrigued and inspired.

And then the images stopped. No more. The images, the feelings, the thoughts – they were all gone. She found herself growing up. Only a memory remained. And then, even the memory faded away in time, but it did not disappear completely. It rested somewhere in there, in the subconscious crevices of her mind, in her soul, only to be re-awakened when the time was right. Klara eventually realized that this memory of yearning for something got gradually lost in the train of new thoughts and feelings, belonging to a growing girl. And this girl became increasingly pre-occupied with this world, here on Earth, rather than some other world, out there in space. She sank deeper and deeper into the reality of everyday material life - the ordinary matters of school, friendships, activities, roles and responsibilities. The dreams and fantasies somehow vanished with progression of time. She was over 30 years old now, and she barely remembered what it felt like to dream, if at all. Life has delivered its blows and numbed her spirit. But somehow, the memory of her soul searching for the infinity out there somewhere paid her a visit one day again. And that’s when her new quest began, along with a very gradual re-awakening.

CHAPTER 2

The departure of innocence

K LARA DIDN’T KNOW how to dream anymore. True. But she did recall how she used to dream as a child. She did remember how she would spend hours absorbed in a fantasy world. This was a world full of magical places, beautiful things and endless possibilities. It was a world where passion and excitement and curiosity were very palpable, and always breathtaking. Everything was so new, so beautiful and so undiscovered. Wherever she went, there was more to the world than the naked eye could see. Her imagination added substance to the world - out there - making it more vivid and rich somehow.

When she was really young, she remembered visiting a forest with her parents on numerous occasions. And what she recalled was how she not only saw, but she also felt all the individual trees and plants, as well as the entire body of the forest in all of its majestic beauty. She distinctly felt as if she was part of that forest. There was also an imaginative and playful component to her experience. The cut tree trunks represented a meeting place of the seven dwarfs and the cave was a place where fairies would hide. When she was riding her bike, she actually felt as if she was flying instead. She felt the wind in every part of her being. She fully experienced the air particles deep inside her lungs, tickling her with aliveness. She felt so free and expansive. When she stepped onto the grass with her bare feet, the sensation of it penetrated her whole being, eliciting butterflies in her stomach. She recalled a feeling of being grounded, solid, complete, and a part of something - something large and beautiful and majestic and precious. What a joy it was to realize that she was alive! And she didn’t even have to try hard, or force it, or plan it… The magical imaginary world just automatically displayed itself in her mind - especially in the moments of silence and solitude. And her heart sang full of joy. She was alive indeed!

What probably also helped, was that she needed to rely somewhat on this imagination, in order to entertain herself. Given the time and place where she grew up, her access to other forms of amusement were limited. There were only two television channels and they rarely broadcasted things which would be intriguing for a little girl. The few shows, which were of interest to her, were broadcasted repeatedly and so she had them pretty much memorized. And so thanks to her daydreaming and imagination, the real world fused together with the imagined world somehow, and it all felt as part of one single experience. Yet how can that be? A thought cannot be touched, can it? Well, yes, it may not be touched, but it can be felt. It can be experienced in a very real sense. Do we only believe things that we can touch, or smell, or see? Of course not, we believe our feelings to be a true representation of what’s going on out there, in the world around us. We believe in our experiences of fear, danger, anger, joy, pleasure and love. And these feeling come from our thoughts, beliefs, opinions and judgments - all thoughts alike. And so in this world, which Klara created for herself as a child, she didn’t remember ever feeling alone or separate. She had a deep relationship with her own self, with the imaginary characters and places of her mind, as well as with the outside world. Her mind took her places, transcending time and space, with the quality and creativity present in a dreaming state. This allowed her to feel alive, passionate, complete, as well as safe.

And so it wasn’t just the world which existed in her mind, which distinguished the person that she was as a child, from a grown woman that she was today. As noted earlier, it was also the way she used to experience the real world. There was this intensity, this focus she had. It was as if she saw every leaf on every tree, heard every bird, smelled every flower, and noticed every cloud up in the sky. She felt as if she was part of her surroundings, no matter where she happened to be. She was always somehow in touch with the world, connected. She remembered sitting in the bathroom, being able to concentrate her fullest attention on the patterned wallpaper. In the process, she was able to see creatures from beyond this world in its design. Nothing else existed in that moment. No past to worry about and no future to plan for. Nothing distracted her. There was just her and this simple present moment. She could do the same with the clouds up in the sky or with the cracks in the sidewalk as she walked home from school. The world was alive, all around her, in all things. She really felt the wind on her face and heard the tree branches move. She experienced the wet snow melting in her eyes and noticed its glitter under the evening light. She noticed the worms, which came out in abundance after the rain. She was excited by the distinguished smell of the air, whenever it rained. She experienced the sun rising in the morning, giving the world a different feel and a different color. She stopped to watch a snail make its way towards a rock. She was in awe over the birds singing in the trees - she heard them so clearly. She watched swallows build their nest on her family’s balcony. She breathed in the cold winter breeze and didn’t mind the frostbite. She picked up fallen leafs off the ground in the fall, marveling at their colors, overcome with dizziness from their magnificent aroma. She picked dandelions in the summer time, weaving them together to make a crown, patiently enjoying their fragrance in the process. She spent hours looking for a clover with four leafs in the meadow, or admiring the big dipper amongst the stars, or marveling at the height of trees. And she just loved the way her skin smelled after spending hours outside. She did all this, as a child, connected to each moment and each experience to its fullest. No memory of yesterday and no premonition of tomorrow.

But Klara stopped noticing such things as she grew older and she somehow missed them altogether now. Her vision felt blurred, her breath shallow, her sense of smell numbed, her hearing impaired. Her senses no longer connected her to the world, which she knew as a child. She was asking herself now - was it because it was all so new that it got the attention it deserved? What happened later that she could walk through a forest and not remember walking through it? What happened that she could no longer smell the flowers? What happened that she despised the winter snow, shivering in its embrace? Where did all the birds and snails and worms go? What happened to her patience, to her concentration, to her amazement, to her senses? All she could think of was how her mind took over her senses. And instead of being connected to the outside world, Klara’s mind kept reviewing a repertoire of countless worries, agenda items and expectant disasters. She began to live more in the past and in the future, completely missing out on the present. As a grown woman, she actually tried to focus her attention on a single tree or a leaf, but she found it almost impossible - her mind wandering and not cooperating. It felt as if she became a prisoner of her mind. And instead of joy and awe, she experienced nervousness and impatience, worry and doubt, and even worse - fear and despair.

She also had a recollection of the fact, that she didn’t reject her own attributes as a child. And she didn’t spend hours questioning her behavior and second-guessing her decisions. Back then, she was who she was. She was comfortable with who she was. She was confident in her kindness, her opinions, her search for justice, her personal uniqueness. She fought for justice, just because it felt like the right thing to do. She didn’t need to analyze it or question it. She defended a weak and disabled classmate, without fear of being rejected by others. She was strong. Somehow she was stronger as a child, than she was as an adult - so much stronger. It felt, as if she was pure and confident back then. She even recalled liking herself. How odd! But very quickly, there came a time, when she no longer felt comfortable in her own skin, or confident in her personal beauty, or strong enough to defend her convictions. She was no longer accepting of herself. All of a sudden, her nose was too big, her breasts were too small, and her head was too flat. She recalled sitting in the classroom, constantly covering the right side of her face, because she didn’t want a cute boy sitting next to her, notice her very long nose. She also recalled how she’d never wear a winter hat, no matter how cold it got outside, because she was convinced that it made her head look small and grotesque. She didn’t feel that she had adequate number of friends and she questioned whether she was popular enough, dressed well enough, or started dating early enough. Her marks had to be high enough, room tidy enough. Somehow, it all became more about achievement and comparison to others, rather than about a genuine and authentic expression of her true self. The race was on. And the idea of how do others see me and how do I compare, became more important than the idea of how do I feel and how do I see myself. Doubt, insecurity and pressure replaced confidence, security and freedom. And so gradually, she forgot who she was, though with some luck hopefully not completely.

One thing was certain, however. The old habit of seeing the world, of being in the world, was gone. And a new habit replaced it. And this new habit was pretty strong and powerful, filling Klara with much darkness, doubt and anxiety. Was it ever! It frightened her to see its crushing force. She felt increasingly caged in and imprisoned by it like an animal, unable to pull herself away and unable to see another way. And Klara did not like this new habitual way of being, this new world. No she did not! It didn’t seem to work for her very well these days. And so, she decided that she would fight it. Yes she did! No matter how long or how hard the journey would be - she will break free. She has no choice. She has to. And then, one day, she noted a very slight and a very faint sensation, indicating to her, that a new shift inside of her was slowly giving way.

CHAPTER 3

A deep yearning

A ND SO, AS Klara’s mind scanned the past, she wondered what makes us remember certain things and not others. She also reflected on, just how absorbed she became, with the reality of everyday life and everyday tasks. And then it hit her. She became separated from her inner self, from her imagination, from her senses, and from the world full of possibilities. It was as if her soul has left her. Her inner companion was gone, leaving her feeling lonely and lost. But the resolve was there to try and return to the visions of her childhood. The desire was there to reconnect with her mind, body and soul - and perhaps to even go beyond them. She still retained a feeling, that there was more than her senses could withstand, comprehend and experience. She just had to find a way to re-discover what that more was and where it was to be found. She yearned to understand where life began and why. She wanted to know whether the universe was limitless - without any boundaries - and if so, what did it exactly look like? She wanted to find out if God really existed and what were the limits, if any, of human spirituality. She wanted to read every book that was ever written, explore every religion that ever existed, visit every country and continent, learn the entire history of all civilizations, appreciate every art that was ever created, listen to every bird, watch every sunset… She hungered for knowing and learning, because she realized how mystical and yet how incredibly short life was.

She was also baffled and intrigued by the complexity of human mind, human behavior, human inventions, feelings, habits, customs and prejudices. She was in awe of the human capacity to love and yet to hate, to create and yet to destroy. What drove people to those opposite ends of behavior? She recognized that there was this polarity and duality in everything - good and bad, right and wrong, hot and cold - and yet there was also a continuum. And she wondered what determines where along the continuum of things we happen to find ourselves and why. She was fascinated by the interplay of brain chemistry, environment, genetics, personal experiences, soul, decisions, destiny, and so on. Can we ever really understand our existence or are we not supposed to understand? Maybe we are just supposed to enjoy or experience things, simply being in this life, moment to moment. But isn’t it so much of the human nature (whatever that term means) to keep learning, exploring and searching for answers? Well, Klara knew that at least she herself hungered for more knowledge and understanding. She simply couldn’t fight the force within her anymore, which begged her to undertake the inner journey, towards a deeper self-discovery.

Now, Klara knew very well, that there were already thousands of scientific, philosophical, as well as spiritual explanations out there - dealing with the nature of human existence and the universe. Naturally, millions of people before Klara thought of these thoughts and pondered these questions. But she needed to embark on her own journey of discovery. She needed to get back in touch with her own spirit, in her own way, with her own unique questions, and her own unique set of answers. She would choose what to do and what to believe, out of all the possible theories and explanations out there. And maybe, just maybe, she might instinctually develop her own set of explanations as well. And isn’t that the point? The free will we have to choose our path! It may feel sometimes like we cannot choose. We may feel limited by a cultural tradition or a family expectation. Or we may be forced by someone, or something, to do things a certain way, or to believe in certain things. But when we truly connect to our inner core, making a choice of what we believe in and how we want to live our lives, it is a private choice that transcends all should and must messages. And when we feel connected to our soul again, no one can take it away from us, no one. We become complete and joyous and alive. And that’s worth fighting for. And so surely, Klara’s ambitions were high, as she only had this one life to live - or did she? There simply wasn’t enough time to do all that she craved to do. So fine then, she won’t do it all. But she will do as much as her mind and body and soul will allow her to do. She will try to understand life and universe and human beings, within the realm of her short lifespan on this planet. And she will grow in every way she possibly can, every millisecond of every day, until her last breath.

CHAPTER 4

The darkest hour

K LARA WAS ONLY 15 years old when she first experienced a very deep despair and a desire to die. For the first time in her life, she was experiencing a number of powerful and turbulent emotions which made her feel incredibly vulnerable and lost. She was confused, but without the proper guidance from an adult figure, she blamed herself for what she experienced and felt. The blame grew strong enough, that it devoured her from inside out, and it made what was likely an innocent and natural state of mind, into a catastrophic event with dire consequences. As a result, she struggled with low self-esteem, self-harm thoughts and depression - all in the context of the childhood trauma and an innocent infatuation with a married man. But about that later… She knew very little about life, to make any sense of what she was experiencing, and she was a prisoner of many illusions that the emotions, feelings, thoughts and perceptions can bring about. She had no understanding of what was happening to her, let alone having any coping strategy, in order to deal with her circumstances effectively. And so she has fallen prey to a desperate kind of suffering – the kind that envisions no future, no brighter things to come.

These events - the details of which will be revealed later - have lead Klara to be standing on the balcony, in the dark coldness of one particular night. She was trying to erase the emotional pain by inflicting physical pain onto her bare wrists with a kitchen knife. She placed the tip of the knife against her flesh. It felt sharp and cold. She moved it across her wrist pushing harder, but it felt very uncomfortable. The resulting wound was very superficial. She tried again, in another spot, but couldn’t go deeper. Her heart was screaming with pain and she needed a release. She was desperate and she hated herself. She felt that she deserved to be punished and perhaps even deserved to die. But she couldn’t do it. She didn’t have the courage, or perhaps the desire was not strong enough that night to die. She came to her senses, after four long hours of torturing solitude, lost in the darkest crevices of her mind. She looked up into the sky and begged for help. She cried. And when she was sufficiently exhausted, she came to her senses, and retreated into her room reaching for a pen instead. She often reached for pen those days, dealing with her inner demons by writing about what she was experiencing, putting it in a form of a poem or a short story.

Exhausted now, she thus grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. But she did not write a poem or a story this time. She wrote a letter. This letter seemed to be written to her inner self - to the girl inside of her who was struggling so much. She somehow sensed that there was another Klara, inside there somewhere, perhaps on another level of consciousness, and she needed to communicate with her at this difficult time. She later read spiritual books which referred to an inner witness inside of us, which can connect us to our higher self during meditation. Is this who she was trying to talk to when she wrote this letter? Was this her inner authentic self that she reached out to, before the connection was completely severed? Was she calling out to her higher self, to her soul? Could this have been some sort of a spiritual breakdown or a spiritual crisis, which she was experiencing? In any case, she expressed something in this letter on an automatic, instinctive or intuitive level - which her mind had no full understanding of at the time. She discovered the letter at the age of 26, after having done a significant amount of reading of spiritual literature, and when she was finally ready to embark on her healing journey. The words of the letter surprised her with their depth and significance, as well as timely discovery.

I write to you today because I need to talk to you. Our connection is hanging by a thread. Ha, the truth about life…. The purpose…. The meaning… You know it, posses it, it’s present in you. I, on the other hand, only vaguely sense it and I am losing it now completely. I feel worse and worse every day and so I felt the need to remind you of me or rather remind myself of you. Whichever way it’s supposed to go… I’ve begun to lose you more and more. It’s harder to remember you and it really hurts. I can’t imagine living without your guidance and companionship. My mistakes and flaws can’t have an eternal impact like this, can they? Please come back to me in your full form and don’t let me fall into the depths of a dark and lonely abyss. Didn’t we have a pact to look out for one another? Not to abandon one another no matter what? Did you forget? Please don’t leave me! Help me understand the craziness of this world! You are my guide, my hope, out there somewhere, in the space of my mind, my soul, while I am here, in the reality of this world. We can’t exist without one another, so don’t you leave me!

And then, something about the letter changed. It was as if her inner self was the one pleading with her now. As if she was the one distancing herself from her source and not the other way around. Don’t you forget me, you need me now. You need me in order to live, to fight, and to survive. Without me you won’t know how to be in this life, this world. Without me you won’t know the source or the purpose of it all. You won’t know why you are hurting so much. I see the evil in you rising - your pain turning into anger and sadness which will drown you. You are starting to destroy rather than create. I see you stepping onto the battlefield but I can’t join you there. Oh, how relentless is your hate and despair. I see it growing stronger in you every minute of every day. Let it go and come back to me. Only together, and only in love, can we become strong again and see the beauty of it all. But if you win this fight and leave me, I will do it your way and I will let you go. Though, I do promise, that I will come back for you in the future, revisiting the past where our paths have parted, and I will bring you home. This is my promise!

And then another shift appeared in the tone of the letter - a response of sorts. If you stay, I promise I’ll do as you say each moment of every day. Just please don’t leave me! I’m prepared to pay for my mistakes, just don’t let me be condemned and lost. Forgive me for all my faults and stay!!! That I beg of you. And finally, the last paragraph of the letter after her signature read, The day will come. I know with certainty that it’ll come, when you’ll be back and we’ll be re-united. Things are different now somehow and you need to go. But people come back to their true form eventually, someday. I’ll wait. And I know that you will prevail at that time and we’ll be united once again. One day, you will once again embrace the deepest, truest representation of yourself, within the deepest parts of your soul. Of our soul - because we belong to each other – we are one!!! I shall see you in the future then.

So this was the promise, which young Klara made to herself, somehow not even knowing what she was doing. Her young mind wrote this letter, without an awareness of its full meaning. At that time, she just had to write. When the urge came, she just allowed the words to fall onto the paper, without full appreciation of their meaning. Only years later, did it become obvious to her that she somehow spoke to her soul. Her soul, spirit, inner witness - whichever term one wants to use. It was simply that part of her which connected her to her source. She took a closer look at the faded paper and saw several smudge marks where the paper grew thinner. She recalled that she cried hard while writing the letter. She cried a lot that night and she also cried a lot for many days, months and years that followed. She was lost and had no one to help her find her way. She alone just couldn’t find a way to hold on to herself and so she let go completely. But the deepest part of her seemed to know that she would find herself again one day. That belief and faith seemed to live on, deep down inside of her, safely hidden away from the turbulent outbursts of her being. Following this letter, Klara started on her lonely journey. Without an inner guidance, or an inner ally, doing the best she could at any given moment, yet closed off from living life fully. Initially, things were truly bleak. She actually very consciously vouched to herself that she would punish herself. She decided that she would only work hard and that she would avoid any of life’s pleasures. And so, much sorrow and pain kept making their way into her life, leaving her feeling disconnected and empty. So what lead Klara on this path? Where was the beginning of this detour? Let’s find out.

CHAPTER 5

The foundation and

early beginnings

G ROWING UP, KLARA experienced psychological, physical and emotional trauma, as a result of living within a fairly dysfunctional household. Years of facing criticism, unpredictability, fights, verbal and psychological abuse – witnessed, as well as experienced personally. Years of listening to hateful and angry yelling, furniture smashing, doors banging and threats of suicide - intermixed with days of painful, hateful and cold silence. She heard the sentences ringing in her ears. Who do you think you are? You better do as I say. You know nothing. You are pathetic. You are nobody. Who told you that you can do that? Get out of my sight. You’ll sit here and listen to me. I want to know where you were and what you did. I want details. You are so weak. When I was your age… You can’t sleep now, you will listen to me! What do you mean you are tired?, You must…

During her childhood, and especially past certain age, Klara did not recall witnessing much love, trust, kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, respect or understanding. She did, however, recall quite vividly the unhappiness, despair, confusion, expectations, rejection, reproaches, hurt, fear and judgment. Oh, so much fear and judgment… And so much anger and hate… And so, how was she to know how to be patient, kind, forgiving and loving - with herself or anyone else? How was she to know how to embrace and enjoy life? The memories were abundant, but she couldn’t bring them forth easily these days. She tried to bury them deep inside of her for so long, that she finally succeeded. But, burying them deeply didn’t seem to free her from the cloud of darkness which they cast on her being, preventing any light from coming in. There were however a few particular memories, which remained in the conscious parts of her mind, and which she recalled with a fair degree of clarity. They seemed to mark some key moments of her life, when something inside of her broke deeply each time. The little cracks were adding up over the years, until she was truly broken once she reached