Conversations with My Soul: Stories and Reflections on Life, Death, and Love After Loss

By Ellen P. Fitzkee

What if:

* You knew you were always safe?

* You felt appreciated, adored, and loved?

* You knew you were never alone?

* You felt freedom to be yourself?

* You knew that your soul never dies?

* You felt unconditional love?

How would your life change if you felt comfort knowing that all your decisions are meant for your growth and there are no mistakes? Would you let go of the guilt for past transgressions and not worry so much about what the future holds, and live in the present moment?

I invite you to take this journey as I explore and learn to embrace the darker parts of my soul and arrive at exactly this place.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 15, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452521343

Ellen P. Fitzkee

Ellen P. Fitzkee, LCPC, M.S., M.A., is a licensed therapist and professional school counselor. Previously, Ellen was a Division I Basketball Coach and has delivered communication and team building trainings to the U.S. Army and educators across the country. In her free time, she relaxes at the beach and is “Mom” to Vizsla dogs, Frankie and Charlie.

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Introduction

The stories take place about eighteen months after the death of my younger sister Patricia during the summer, fall and winter of the year 2012. The events are real and come directly from my personal journal during that time period. I write in order to measure my growth through every day experiences I encounter in life. The lens, my perception of the world, is skewed after significant loss. My reality is altered when viewed by the outside observer. I share my work to help my fellow humans during difficult times. Perhaps being able to relate to one another is one way to ease the pain. Some of the coping skills I explore are not main stream but they offer a change in focus and as a result, a better understanding of human existence by looking within and discovering what we have always known to be true.

In my volunteer work with hospice, I have learned that we can be in this suspended state for at least two years when loss is considered traumatic. If we step into the present day, I have accumulated five significant losses in a span of three years and in some ways, I continue to recover from the depths of despair. The happenings of my life do not stop and wait for me to catch up, they just keep on coming. This book shows my struggles as I grapple to make sense of what life gives to me. How help reveals itself is miraculous as I reach out for floatation devices and rescue boats along the way.

Ultimately, I discover new ways to relate and participate in my life. Learning to rest on the shore before going back into the waves is one life vest that I carry with me. Centering is a daily ritual that refocuses the lens. Being present in the here and now allows me to appreciate not only my life but the life of my fellow travelers. I have opportunities to help others during their stormy weather and can provide a safe harbor. Occasionally, I help to develop devices and methods to increase safety and instill confidence so others are better equipped to navigate their life boats. I am learning how to be a better skipper of my own vessel too.

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

-Joshua J. Marine

Mindfulness-

is a moment-by-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment characterized mainly by acceptance-attention to thoughts and feelings without judging whether they are right or wrong. Mindfulness focuses the human brain on what is being sensed at each moment, instead of on its normal rumination on the past or on the future.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness_(psychology)

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if everyone lived in the present moment all the time? There would be no past and no future… just the NOW. Regrets would be gone. Promises would not be broken. There would be no expectations… of you or of others. We would just BE. We would live for today. With no expectations of what tomorrow may bring, we would be free to act in the present moment as our true authentic selves. In my mind, this is pure beauty. Love would abound. We would be connected to each other and to all living things in the moment. There would be no fear; each day you awake anew.

Living in the moment requires mindfulness and the ability to focus and be present. Being present is a skill we learn as counselors and it is a wonderful way to show respect and build rapport with another. Blocking out everything except the conversation you are engaged in, or the activity you are involved in…When you are an athlete, peak performances are recorded in this realm. Full attention to what you are doing where you lose time because you are engrossed so profoundly.

Can you imagine it? Perhaps you, too, have done it from time to time and have an appreciation for the unexpected happiness it can bring. I can think of no other way to truly honor someone else than to be fully present when they are speaking to me. Being able to take myself and my own thoughts off the table… to suspend judgment and stand in unity with my fellow human being. Many emotions can be shared involving pain and loss, as well as, joy and gratitude.

If I think back to some of my earliest readings as a young adult, this concept was a seedling that began with my Al-Anon readings. I did not begin practicing being in the moment until my early forties. I am now coming on fifty-three years, so this idea has been percolating for well over thirty years. And every time I can remember to live simply and in the present, I experience amazing gifts… I feel like a kid on Christmas. I don’t know what the gift will be and yet, I know there will be something for me under the tree! Staying present has brought greater insights, manifestation of wishes and dreams coming true, and most always a feeling of connectedness with the Universe and everything in it.

So, as I continue on my spiritual journey, I am dedicating my life to experiencing the present moment as often as I can. There is no more in the meantime. The time is now. The process of learning to live in the moment is ongoing. I will tell you, it is the first time in my life that I have healthy self-esteem. Crossing over to this perspective has been a life long journey. If I honestly look within, I would say I have projected and perhaps attracted to me those travelling a parallel path and also in need of love for self. Reviewing some of my past relationships and friendships, I protected myself by acting as the teacher when in reality, I was the student. I am humbled by this insight. The careers and professional work I have chosen have been fulfilling and rewarding. Whether I am a teacher, coach, counselor or mentor, my life deals with people… helping them to grow and develop and reach their potential. I cannot do the work for anyone so I help them to acquire the knowledge to attain the skills necessary for success. I, too, am a work in progress. Working with others has allowed me to become more genuine and comfortable in my own shoes. The quality of my relationships has improved phenomenally. Paradoxically, it is in giving that we receive.

So the question that keeps me up at night is what took me so long to get it? And now that I