Opaciphobia and Other Inner Reflections

By Dr. Paul Giangrasso

Opaciphobia and Other Inner Reflections is a collection of inner experiences decades in the making. Inspired by events from the authors childhood, opaciphobia is a word that attempts to capture an inner state of fear: a fear of the unclear. It began with a distorted window by the front door of the author's childhood home. It evolved into a personal, multifaceted vantage point that longs for resolution in the divine.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781645841425

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Opaciphobia

and

Other Inner Reflections

Dr. Paul Giangrasso

Copyright © 2019 Dr. Paul Giangrasso

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2019

ISBN 978-1-64584-141-8 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-64584-142-5 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

The Present

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

SIXTEEN

SEVENTEEN

EIGHTEEN

NINETEEN

TWENTY

TWENTY-ONE

TWENTY-TWO

TWENTY-THREE

TWENTY-FOUR

TWENTY-FIVE

TWENTY-SIX

TWENTY-SEVEN

The Past

TWENTY-EIGHT

TWENTY-NINE

THIRTY

THIRTY-ONE

THIRTY-TWO

THIRTY-THREE

THIRTY-FOUR

THIRTY-FIVE

THIRTY-SIX

THIRTY-SEVEN

THIRTY-EIGHT

THIRTY-NINE

FORTY

FORTY-ONE

FORTY-TWO

FORTY-THREE

FORTY-FOUR

FORTY-FIVE

FORTY-SIX

FORTY-SEVEN

FORTY-EIGHT

FORTY-NINE

FIFTY

FIFTY-ONE

FIFTY-TWO

FIFTY-THREE

FIFTY-FOUR

The Future

FIFTY-FIVE

FIFTY-SIX

FIFTY-SEVEN

FIFTY-EIGHT

FIFTY-NINE

SIXTY

SIXTY-ONE

SIXTY-TWO

SIXTY-THREE

SIXTY-FOUR

SIXTY-FIVE

SIXTY-SIX

SIXTY-SEVEN

SIXTY-EIGHT

SIXTY-NINE

SEVENTY

SEVENTY-ONE

SEVENTY-TWO

SEVENTY-THREE

SEVENTY-FOUR

SEVENTY-FIVE

SEVENTY-SIX

SEVENTY-SEVEN

SEVENTY-EIGHT

SEVENTY-NINE

EIGHTY

EIGHTY-ONE

Concluding Remarks

Acknowledgments

I want to take a moment to thank those who were instrumental in the creation of this book. I first want to thank my incredible wife, Lauren, for believing in me and this book. This is as much your project as it is mine. Thank you for your love, sacrifice, and practicality which enabled me to create this work. I also must thank my amazing children, Emma and Derek, for their beautiful spirits and infectious laughter. Thank you, Emma, for asking me to explain my book title to you, and, Derek, for being the smart and curious little man you are. I look forward to many questions and comments from you both about this book when you are a little older. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for allowing me to become the creative man I am today. You may not always understand my ways, but thank you for accepting these ways as uniquely mine. Thank you, Mom Page, for understanding that I am the way I am not by intention but it is just the way I’m wired.

I also want to thank the countless mental health professionals that have helped me throughout my life, including, but not limited to, Mitch Eisenstein, Mary Gibbons, Charlene Maher, and the rest of the staff at Catholic Charities, the staff at Mather Hospital and the Bradley Center, Trisha Billard, Caroline Petersen, and Dr Gibson. You have all touched me in very important ways, and this book is a reflection of the emotional clarity you helped to bestow upon me.

Thank you, Michael Patanella, Vincent Serso, Drew Graves, Dan Keenan, Amy Hunter Clark, Chris Bahnken, and David Dickerson, for our many important conversations in years past; Jackie Romano, for reading this work and providing me with your valuable feedback; Rich Dodge, for the photo and conversational support; Katherine Avendano and Kerren Graf for believing in my blog and for your positive vibes regarding my writing. Thank you, the many professors at Stony Brook University, for the incredible education I was given over the many years I spent there.

Introduction

We are all on a journey of healing, whether we realize it or not. Each one of us is wounded in some way. When we realize this and live life from that perspective, real healing and growth can occur. Wounds left to their own devices will fester, affect our relationships and our careers, and worsen with time. This is a truth I firmly believe.

If I am speaking of truth, I must quote the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. Schopenhauer once said, All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. This book is my truth, so I am anticipating some resistance. I’m sharing some inner experiences that have never seen the light of day before. What is written here may be inflammatory to some. I expect this as a natural part of the process. My intention is not to hurt anyone. My intention is to be true to myself and speak with the most genuine voice that I can.

My goal with this work is not to tell you how to think. My goal is to show you how I do, to give life to that which is typically unspoken and unseen with the hope that it is relatable. I’m being as honest as I can on these pages.

As I said in the beginning of this introduction, we are on a journey of healing. This book, quite simply, is an instrument of that healing. This means that it is for the healing of myself as well as for those around me on their personal journey. Regarding the healing of myself, there are inner experiences of the past that I wish to let go of. There are others which I long to move forward toward and embody with my life. Apart from the past and future, ultimately all we have is the ever-present now. Within the present moment, I strive toward what I want and need in life while simultaneously trying to move beyond a painful past.

This book is a work of inner reflections that guide, affect, and direct my life while typically remaining hidden from others. They are the inner experiences that motivate and drive me while, at the same time, also pull me down and sadden me. The hope is to clarify what inner experiences, thoughts, or feelings weigh me down, those that no longer serve me, and which ones move me forward in a positive direction. My hope is to be as vulnerable as I feel comfortable being in order to make this project an incredible, life-changing experience for myself and, possibly, the reader. I long to be seen, heard, and recognized as significant. I wish to be transparent. I’m hoping this book will enable me to feel and be heard as I need to be.

Regarding the healing of others, I want to touch readers by moving them in a profound way. I am hoping that the passages of this book are relatable, that readers will feel the intention behind each one, to really impact people’s lives with my honesty, and that the reader can relate to what I am expressing, both positive and negative. I’m hoping to help enhance the readers’ self-knowledge. After all, what we see in our world is ourselves.

Opaciphobia is not a studied medical condition or even scientifically factual. It is not found in the DSM-5 or ICD-10, but I can assure you that it is a very real personal experience. Opaciphobia is an inner place that actually began in childhood. One of my earliest memories is of a semi-opaque window by the doorway of my grandparents’ house. I remember being uncomfortable by seeing through the window while simultaneously not seeing clearly through it. I was afraid and confused by this. I was fearful of the concept that you could see something but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t see it clearly.

I wish to be seen clearly. There is a whole universe inside me that no one can perceive except me…until now. I’m hoping, with the publication of this book, that I will be seen for who I truly am. To be seen and heard clearly is to be understood and for me; to be truly understood is to be significant.

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