The Key to Recovery: The Family and the Alcoholic

By Di English

This book is for the millions of people all over the world who are affected by someone close who abuses or is addicted to alcohol.

 

Many family members and friends are so badly disturbed that they often become sicker than the abuser. They experience fear, anger, confusion and in many cases extreme feelings of hopelessness a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Diana Hole
• Release date: Jul 11, 2016
• ISBN: 9780994487346

Di English

Di English is a registered nurse, mother and grandmother who grew up in England and now lives in Sydney, Australia. Her experience is broad but it was in her later years when Di moved into the area of Mental Health that she found her passion helping family members of alcohol and drug addicts to gain a better understanding of the disease of addiction and ways in which they could better manage their own lives. With alcoholism in her family, Di is very aware of the problems facing family members living in an alcoholic environment. Many alcoholics are much loved by those close to them but their behaviour can be appalling. Family dynamics become chaotic, the alcoholic becomes the focus of the family and everyone around them suffers. Di has seen how the toll for many becomes too great and move on leaving the alcoholic to follow a path of self-destruction whilst others choose to stay in this unbearable situation. Feeling as if they are walking on eggshells, the stress and anxiety becomes so great that they often become sicker than the offending drinker. Di believes that with a better understanding and the right tools and support there is light at the end of the tunnel for those who are prepared to make what can often be difficult choices to create a meaningful life for themselves whether or not their loved one continues to drink.

Book preview

Introduction

Millions of people all over the world are affected by someone close to them who is abusing alcohol or is addicted to it. If you are one of these people, you are probably familiar with the erratic, unpredictable and often hostile behaviour - the lies, the deceit, the denial, the blame and the abuse. The impact of this alcoholic behaviour is such that family members and others, who are close, get inevitably drawn into the world of the alcoholic.

That’s why alcoholism is commonly known as A Family Disease.

I have worked closely with both alcoholics and their families for many years; I also have a member of my own immediate family affected by this horrible disease. I know the impact that it has on all those who are close to that person, and I understand the confusion, pain, anger, and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that they experience.

Having witnessed things from both sides of the fence, I have enormous empathy with all concerned. I’ve seen the ugly side of intoxication - the days of painful withdrawal, the highs and lows of recovery and relapse; I’ve experienced the bitter disappointment of family, when after a period of sobriety, their loved one falls yet again to the thrall of addiction.

All members of the family are affected in one way or another, often unwittingly adopting many of the same unhealthy behaviours, in order to protect themselves and those around them, from the ramifications of someone’s drinking - such as financial and work-related problems, marital and family disharmony, broken promises and troubles with the law due to drink-driving or violent and destructive behaviour.

Family members frequently find themselves lying, to cover up for the other person, apportioning blame elsewhere, and then experiencing uncontrollable anger and frustration.

Such is the impact of this unhealthy environment that many immediate family members often become sick themselves, their mental and physical health breaking down, along with their spiritual and general well-being.

When you see someone you love destroying themselves and everything around them, it is only natural to try anything that will make them stop drinking.

You cannot make someone else stop drinking.

You are powerless over the alcohol.

There are actions you can take that will make a difference but unlike other illnesses, it’s not what you DO for your loved one but rather what you DON’T DO that is likely to lead to change.

The affected person needs to have a desire to stop drinking and to take responsibility for his or her own actions. That is the key to their recovery.

The most supportive thing that you can do for all concerned is to gain a better awareness of the disease and of the ways in which you can make changes for yourself and your family that will impact on the behaviour of your affected loved one.

We were all born beautiful little human beings and there are times when we go off track … that’s life…none of us is perfect! But nobody wakes up one day and decides to become an alcoholic!

For alcoholics to get back on track, it takes vigilance and professional help along with the love and appropriate support of those around them. What you are experiencing now is the unacceptable behaviour of someone you care about who is very unwell with the disease of addiction/alcoholism.

With this book, I have endeavoured to help family members gain a greater awareness and understanding of the choices available to themselves and their loved one.

You don’t have to accept the alcoholic’s behaviour.

Love the person, reject the behaviour and hate the disease.

Summary Of Contents

1. The Disease of Addiction

Learn about alcoholism. If you are living with someone that you believe is an alcoholic, one of the most valuable things you can do for yourself and the affected person is to get some understanding of the disease, the addictive behaviour and the ways in which the disease manifests itself.

2. Denial and Acceptance

Are you in a state of denial? Because of the social stigma, most people find it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone they love is an alcoholic. By avoiding the truth and denying the reality of the situation you are hindering your chances of moving forward. Accepting and coming to terms with reality is vital if you want things to change.

3. Feelings and Emotions

Acknowledge your own feelings. When you are being severely affected by someone else’s alcoholic behavior, it is not surprising that you may experience a range of mixed emotions … anger, resentment and frustration, as well as confusion, guilt and shame. Unresolved anger and resentment will eventually affect your physical health as well as your mental stability. Acknowledging and accepting these feelings helps to reduce the associated stress and anxiety.

4. ‘The Blame Game’

Don’t get caught up in the blame game. It’s not uncommon for family members to think that they are to blame for someone close to them becoming an alcoholic - it seems to be human nature for people to want to blame someone else for everything that’s wrong in their lives. Blaming others achieves nothing. Each and everyone involved needs to take responsibility for his or her own actions.

5. Enabling and Support

Understand the difference between enabling and support. The biggest mistake friends and relatives make when trying to help their alcoholic loved one, is doing things for them that they need to be doing for themselves. Many people find this difficult to understand. When you enable an alcoholic, you are taking away an opportunity for them to take responsibility for themselves, and are unintentionally assisting them to maintain their habit. Find out how you can best offer support.

6. Communication

Discover the best way to communicate with an alcoholic. Trying to communicate in a meaningful way with someone who is intoxicated, is like hitting your head against a brick wall; it achieves nothing. Learn what channels of communication will work best for you.

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