Resilience of a Dream Catcher

By Dr. Paschal Baute

This is a book of many stories, starting with an abused  childhood, a boy who ran away from home three times by the time he was twelve. There are 27 chapters of setbacks or challenges, each ending with a meditation on resilience. The setbacks include a punitive father and a fear and guilt-ridden Catholic childhood, eventually finding a teacher who inspired him. It is a journey of self-discovery, with brokenness being turned into strengths. He finally finds "God" in the boondocks of the US Army on Guam, discovering that risking himself in sports becomes a mantra. His problems with authority follow him throughout his life, even when he leaves his career in coaching sports to become a Catholic monk, eventually a Priest and Navy Chaplin. His Abbot became his punitive father with total power over him. Only in midlife does he comes to terms with his shadow self and the darkness which hounded him. In each setback, he somehow manages to find a new resilient self. He discovers who he is really meant to be through the love of a partner of 53 years. Now he also loves his veteran community by writing books with themes of resilience, gratitude and wellness. This is a memoir with 27 lessons in resilience each found the hard way, through experience. The theme that emerges is "Out of darkness we can find an inner wellspring."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paschal Baute
• Release date: Jul 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201228361

Book preview

Early Praise

In this book, Paschal Baute's life stories provide many inspiring lessons, all made vivid through clearly-described events and thoughtful analyses. This successful author's well-practiced strategies for handling adversity provide perfect examples of ‘resiliency in motion!’ A great read for anyone who wants to experience the common threads in our human condition, laced with Baute's ever-present positive goal of improvement via action.-Robin Inwald, Ph.D., ABPP

Dr. Paschal Baute offers a voice that must be heard by people in the helping professions. With his humanity and candidness, Paschal offers beautifully written insights, crafted through genuine sharing and storytelling, that offer healers profound insight into working with the wounded. A true wise elder of our field, Paschal's voice is so powerful because of his resilience and joy that has kept him forever young. -Jamie Marich, Ph.D., author of Trauma Made Simple, and EMDR Made Simple; Creator of Dancing Mindfulness.

"In Resilience, Paschal Baute not only shares the diverse, fascinating experiences of a lifetime, he shares the insight and wisdom he has gained through those experiences. If you enjoy tales told by a master storyteller, you will adore this book—and you'll end by being smarter, too." -Leslie Moise, author of Judith and Love is the Thread

Paschal uses his story to create a stunning do-it-yourself roadmap for people facing loss. He does this with the diligence of a Benedictine monk and finely tuned mind of a therapist who has listened to hurting people for many years. Although he writes for military Veterans any one facing adversity will find much to guide their journey. -Charles Eyer, Veteran, Korean Conflict.

I have known Paschal for several years and I have used his stories and spiritual enlightenment to guide my path in life and my recovery from colon cancer. His writings and seminars have also been liberally used by me to bring hope, inspiration and spiritual growth to my clients who are also recovering from cancer. I feel very fortunate to have had my life touched by his very gentle, kind and compassionate presence. His life experiences, spiritual sensibilities, and generosity in words, spirit and actions have transformed me and my clients.-Dennis N. McFadden, Ph. D., Clinical Psychologist,

First, Paschal shares the news that the VA has deemed him catastrophically disabled, then he breaks into laughter. I know no one who lives his life so completely out of hope and gratitude. I know no one who faces so directly his own and other's failings.-Rick Reckman, Ph.D.

In his varied and richly textured life, Paschal Baute has lived many lives within the one, and more than once has experienced personally that sense of life pushing you over the edge of the cliff. With this story of his heart, he shares with wisdom, candor and keen insight the essential life tools that equip readers for dealing successfully with their own unbidden and unwanted life crises—and then goes a step further to provide the secrets in moving from simply surviving to abundantly thriving. -Ed Gage, with The Union of Psychology and Spirituality Retreats outreach project.

The spirituality found in Paschal's book embraces the wisdom of all faiths, despite his training as a Roman Catholic priest and Benedictine monk. I know him to be a loving, non-judgmental person who joyfully celebrates life as portrayed in the pages of his book. -Barbara Lancaster-Lyman, ordained inter-faith minister and A Course in Miracles facilitator

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DEDICATION

I dedicate this memoir to all my blind Veteran brothers and sisters, including the loyal staff of the thirteen VA Blind Rehab Centers, their alumni groups and BVA chapters around the country. It was the Hines VA training and the Veterans there, their courage and challenges in coping with loss that spurred this endeavor. I dedicate it also to our valiant active and retired military, all my comrades-in-arms, from 1948 to the present.

Someone said democracy was created so that people could tell their stories no matter how different. I dedicate this story also to the more than one million of my brothers and sisters whose stories ended too soon in order that we may have the freedom to live and tell our stories in their rich diversity. In a larger sense, I dedicate this work to all of my brothers and sisters everywhere who struggle with loss, abuse and impairment of any kind.

My aim is to connect with anyone facing loss, setback, hardship or trauma that they might find hope and courage through my story. I write for all those who undertake the sacred pilgrimage of understanding themselves. This is often occasioned by some loss or crisis and aided by reflective practices such as meditation and writing.

I write to help sustain the long loneliness of this inner path while recognizing that siblings cannot and will not accept the uniqueness of this journey.

PREFACE

Designated by the VA at age 81 as catastrophically disabled, Paschal Baute paused, laughed, and just kept on going. His energy and creativity seem boundless. One day Paschal is at the county jail leading a psychological/spiritually based program he designed for repeat addictive offenders. The next day he is wearing a blue satin Wizard’s hat telling scary stories to second graders. The day after, he is screening bus drivers for the local public school system. And the following day, he is performing a wedding in the garden chapel in his back yard.

Between these activities, Paschal reads the current brain research, designs workshops for psychologists, and writes in his blog.

Beyond his many doings, more impressive is the man he has become. Reading this memoir, you have the opportunity to understand how a hurt and angry little boy grew to become such a wise, generous, and loving adult.

One cannot talk with Paschal for more than a few minutes without hearing about how grateful he is for this person or that experience. His wife is his favorite topic. He will go on at length about how blessed he is to have found her. Then he says, I asked her the other day how I was doing as a husband on a scale of one to ten. She said ‘negative 6.’ I asked her what I could do to get that up to a negative 4. We burst into laughter.

Paschal understands the joy of living by Rule 6. For those of you who don’t know Rule 6, it is Don’t take yourself so freaking seriously. When Paschal first told me the story of the Abbot telling him he had a problem with authority, Paschal’s tone was dismissive. I said, Of course you had a problem with authority. With the father you had, how could you not have a problem with authority? For a moment he looked hurt and indignant with me. Then he led us both into another stream of laughter. (If you are wondering about the rules other than Rule 6, there are none.)

I encourage you to make the time to read this remarkable man’s courageous and joyous memoir.

Richard F. Reckman, Ph.D.

Author’s Note. Dr. Reckman is a psychologist in private practice in Cincinnati, Ohio. He is the founder and primary mover behind the Union of Psychology and Spirituality, an annual retreat of the Ohio Psychology Association, just completing its tenth year. It has been my privilege to be a participant and workshop leader for nine years. It was this annual experience that helped spur this kind of reflective review of my life journey. A summary report of this decade is now published. This is now published. L

FOREWORD

Whoever said life was easy has either mastered the impossible or is oblivious to all things happening in the world today. We are all born with innocent and naïve childlike wonder. Sadly, overtime, life stressors and hardships awaken our eyes to the difficult and hostile problems with which we routinely struggle both internally and collectively as a society. Nobody is immune to this phenomenon. When life throws a curveball or problems begin to mount, it is all too easy to become discouraged and adopt a woe is me mentality. The good news is that there are ways in which we can approach life’s problems that promote more constructive outcomes. Although reality can at times be depressing, it is the powerful yet mysterious ingredients of perception that dictate where on the spectrum between negative and positive that we evaluate an experience. Just as those who have never experienced failure could not possibly recognize success, it is the challenges and hardships that we encounter that provide opportunities to strengthen our inner selves.

Our storyteller Paschal is a caring and spiritual man who exudes resilience. He has overcome abusive relationships by those who should have nurtured and mentored him. He is a blind Veteran having served his country under each branch of the United States military over a 24-year span. He is a stage four cancer survivor. His religious beliefs have been repeatedly challenged by circumstances overtime. This has led to his reassessing and reframing of his own faith perspectives in an inclusive way that honors and incorporates all wisdom traditions. Above all, Paschal is a promoter of positive thinking and wellbeing, driven by his calling to help others. The professional contributions he has made to the fields of spirituality and psychology verify his unique ability to offer insight into how faith and science can coexist and be embraced together to enrich one’s life. He is a Dream Catcher who has lived in both camps. Through life lessons he has learned to leverage his inner strengths to overcome challenges and persist onward toward accomplishing his goals and fulfilling his dreams.

At one point or another we all face problems and challenges that seem insurmountable. Through the sharing of his life journey, Paschal is a living testament that we all can gain valuable life lessons from the hardships we encounter, educated risks we take, and the mistakes we make. His stories show that we can all learn to cope better with difficult situations as well as the stressful demands of daily life. The morals of his stories certainly capture the notion of success by doing; however, unlike many self-help or success publications available, Paschal emphasizes the concept of success by overcoming. In doing so, his stories promote the valuable recipe of mindfulness and resilience. Developing these values is a capability we are all born with only not necessarily an ability we all develop, at least not at an optimal level. Certainly, the combination of mindfulness and resilience will not eliminate the deepest forms of grief, but they are inner strengths that when sufficiently developed can help one cope with problems and navigate through the grief process. Learning how to successfully leverage these inner strengths can represent the difference between being a circumstantial victim held hostage by emotional pain and an opportunistic survivor who is able to move on and grow.

At the end of each chapter Paschal provides a passage entitled, Resilience in Action. This series of passages is a unique resource integrated in a way never before seen in an autobiographical text. They stimulate insightful contemplation about how the lessons provided in the respective chapter can relate to one’s own life. I have personally found that experimenting with them as training exercises has led to the enhancement of my own understanding and perception of resilience.

Fascinatingly, Paschal’s stories capture the synergy between the roles that freewill and divine influence have played in shaping his life journey. In fact, the concepts of mystery and grace are two universally spiritual concepts that manifest as core themes throughout his memoir. In essence these are less understandable principles than mindfulness and resilience, but that does not mean they offer any less valuable of a contribution. Mystery represents the notion of knowing without knowing. It is being without definitive evidence to point to beyond the question of ‘who or what is this Great Architect that created all the beauty that surrounds us?’ Appreciating the beauty represents the actual gift of grace. Perhaps it is the union of these two spiritual concepts that form the essence of what is commonly referred to as faith.

Authoring a memoir can be a challenging task, especially one such as Paschal’s that integrates multiple perspectives including those from a personal, psychological, faith-based and spiritual lens. The process requires a level of self-reflection and honesty that can be simultaneously both humiliating and humbling. It causes one to awaken dormant memories and feelings that were often times intentionally buried. At the same time, it is an opportunity to appreciate and celebrate the happy times and notable accomplishments throughout the course of one’s life.

Although I am not a Veteran myself, I have professionally worked with this population and have several family members who have served and were involved in live combat. I bear witness to the sacrifices they have made and difficulties they have faced with reintegrating back into the civilian world. I consider myself to be forever in debt to such brave men and women. Herein lies the subject matter that brought Paschal and me together; a common desire to support those who have sacrificed so much to ensure our freedoms. In supporting Paschal with this project, it became quickly evident that anyone going through a challenging time or has a pattern of getting stuck in a rut could relate to and benefit from his life stories.

Resilience is the stress management challenge for our times. It is my hope, and I am sure Paschal’s as well, that every reader gains inspiration from his stories; that the lessons presented encourage the reader to persevere and grow from experience no matter how difficult or troublesome. Just as working with Paschal on this project has helped me to grow, may his stories and passages on resilience help you to develop and leverage the inner strengths essential to living a more positive, meaningful and fulfilling life.

Sincerely,

Scott Stubenrauch, Psy. D., HSP

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Chief Psychologist, Public Safety & Security

Institute for Personality and Ability Testing (IPAT)

Author’s Note. With a keen interest in the connection between personality and wellness, Dr. Stubenrauch undertook an analysis of the Resilience in Action comments at the end of each chapter. Curious about the diversity of facets of resilience to be evoked, he discovered some 40 plus themes and threads of resilience. These are listed by chapter in Appendix Two.

Introduction

The man who writes about himself

and his own time is the only man

who writes about all people and all time.

-George Bernard Shaw.

The most beautiful thing we can experience

in the universe is the mysterious.

-Albert Einstein

W

e all have stories. When we tell our stories, they help us understand ourselves. They give substance and explanation to who we are. When we tell pieces of our story that have been buried or hidden, they can cease to haunt us. They no longer control us. We discover that we are connected in ways we did not imagine. Many share their feelings through stories. We find we really are siblings in the flesh. Stories tell us not only where we have been, but where we are going, what we value, what is real for us.

We not only have stories, but each of us IS a story—unique and precious. My sharing here is aimed to help my Veteran brothers find pieces of their own stories in mine, discover the courage to tell them and live better with hope and resilience. In my month at the Hines VA Blind Rehabilitation Center, I found some of my brothers controlled in an unhealthy way by their untold stories. We can be blinded by the stories we tell ourselves and believe. Then, along the way, I realized that anyone struggling with or haunted by the past could also benefit.

I am a visually impaired military Veteran who seeks, by sharing his story, to introduce my brothers coping with vision loss to a model of wellness and resiliency. I am a former Benedictine monk, Roman Catholic priest, now retired psychologist, former Navy chaplain, and storyteller. Since my life has encountered many setbacks and challenges, including surviving stage four cancer, I offer this memoir as a story of surviving against the odds.

Our genetic DNA has given humans the capacity to survive countless threats and challenges. We are programmed to find both courage and hope. Two human qualities help us cope with stress and find meaning.

Mindfulness is an openness to embrace whatever life presents, with awareness of the possibilities of the moment. It is an awakening to full awareness. Resilience is the act of transcending and transforming that moment, threat, challenge or that loss. Much overlap exists. Being mindful is already an act of transcending one’s circumstances. For the purposes of this story, any reference made to being and becoming aware is done so with the goal of being one of transcending and becoming resilient.

I was not a happy camper at home. I grew up with four sisters and experienced hard discipline by my father. By age 12, I had run away three times. I lived mostly in fear of his anger. I was constantly getting in trouble at school and my grades suffered. I made a number of poor choices throughout my early years that resulted in serious injuries. In my love of risk taking, I dug holes for myself that I had to climb out of, stunned at my stupidity. Yet, amazingly, almost incredibly, here I am today. I easily admit that it has taken me a lifetime to get it together.

Along the way I served my country from 1948 during the Berlin Airlift Crisis to 1972 and the Vietnam War, on and off, in all four branches: Army, Air Force, Navy and finally U. S. Marines in that order. My service was enlisted, and commissioned (twice), active and reserve, respectively.

I already had survived three life crises when, at age 20, I stupidly got on the wrong side of my First Sergeant as a private on the island of Guam. That was just the beginning of many adult crises. My evangelical brother-in-law used to ask me, Paschal, when are you going to be born again of water and the Holy Spirit? Now was I going to reveal to an in-law that I had survived several life crises? After a while, tired of his assumed religious superiority, I replied, George, I have been born again so many times, my soul has stretch marks. He shut up. ‘Tis true! Here I show and tell.

While in the deep pit I dug for myself as Army Private, I encountered three experiences which eventually changed my life. These and other life lessons I discovered helped me later in coaching sports, then as a family therapist, and in other roles. I found stories that could move and heal. Telling my stories in this memoir has surprised me with new understanding of my own life journey. Writing this memoir has had an unexpected benefit. I have awakened to pain long buried and seen patterns I was not aware existed.

Stories introduce us to mystery. They carry within them power, hope, conflict and transformation. My own story seems almost unbelievable to me. There are many reasons I should not be here. I share these with the dream that my Veteran brothers, and any readers for that matter, might find hope and resilience for their own journeys.

Two great cultural rivers, diverse ways of human knowing, are converging today. For the first time in history, we stand together at the confluence, where modern science and the wisdom traditions are meeting, encountering one another, informing and influencing. These are different ways of understanding, distinct ways of knowing our reality. Luckily, they are listening and learning from one another. Exciting energy and new perspectives are emerging. Never before have we had this kind of cross-fertilization of such diverse ways of knowing. Several arenas in which they are meeting are in new understandings of wellness and stress management, narrative medicine, narrative psychology and reflective practices. Fortunately, I am both a scientist and a contemplative, and I have lived in both camps. I embrace and learn from both. My career paths and life study span both rivers allowing me to integrate these great traditions. For almost a decade, I have led invited workshops on the Union of Psychology and Spirituality for the Ohio Psychology Association. My memoir illustrates how these ways of knowing come together, nurture, and enrich one another, for the benefit of all.

Thirty years ago, I started collecting principles of total fitness: body/mind/spirit wellness I also began living and teaching these principles. As my understanding of total wellness grew, I added new insights from technology and eventually new brain science. My story illustrates those views, practices and habits. More recently I realized I have been creating my own model of resilience all along.

I became aware that many retired Veterans do not have access to lifestyle or wellness training or a model of healthy coping with loss. Then I discovered that resilience is being taught in all active service branches of the military. As I read explanations of resiliencies in the latest books, I discovered this bending without breaking is part of the wellness and stress management programs I have been implementing, not only for myself but also in a program for repeat addictive offenders at the local county detention center.

Spending one month at Hines VA Blind Rehabilitation Center in Chicago was a deeply moving experience for me. I felt more connected with these wounded warriors than I dreamed possible. Their friendship and unique stories shadow me. My hope is that in my memoir, they may find some humor, a new awareness of their own spiritual journey, and more resiliency in their coping with vision loss. There are VA programs that many of us do not know about. I have included a list of many of these in Appendix Eight. All active military branches are engaged in resilience training. . It appears at this writing there is no resilience training available in the VA for our disabled and retired Veterans. This memoir is offered as a humble possible beginning. For this purpose, it is designed to be used as a discussion guide. I hope to inspire my Veteran brothers and others to an understanding and practice of resilience.

Respecting the value of faith, I tell of the thin places where the mystery of grace touched me. The Celtic view defines a thin place as a small corner of the earth where heaven and the natural world meet. In such a place, one glimpses the Eternal in some way, perhaps in the beauty, silent serenity, or whispers of ghostlike voices of the past. Thin describes the transparent veil separating the two, like an ambiance of Something Else being present. Thin places are places where one is surprised with the serendipity of grace or beauty or a deep and profound peaceful silence. It can be occasioned by an awareness of the moment. A frequent response is an intuition of the ultimate force of love, peace, freedom and unheralded possibility. Conversely, a thin dark place is a thunderstorm with sudden stress or pain. However, when the downpour stops and the clouds’ part, sunlight emerges, bringing brilliance, warmth and an occasional rainbow with fresh vitality. A thin place may also be simply a moment when life teaches us about who we are, who we are meant to be.

As adults, we awake to mystery slowly, if at all, even to the mystery of our own stories. Since Meister Eckhart said, Every creature is a word of God, and a book or story about God, then is the odyssey of our own soul, the best window of God we have? Could it be that the most intriguing and meaningful story of this mystery we call God lies hidden in our own stories? The quest I undertake in this memoir is to uncover where and when this mystery was speaking, whispering to me. If I can find the story of this mystery we call God in the odyssey of my soul, perhaps the reader might find the thin places bespeaking the mystery of his own story within my story.

I have found in this project that I am not writing just for my Veteran brothers, I am writing to give voice to many others. I write to give voice to kids who had trouble growing up. I write for the bright boys finding an unwelcome either at school or home. I write for all those boys who had difficulty with their fathers. I write for girls so sisters can better understand their brothers. I write for the countless children whose consciences have been abused by religious authority teaching awareness of sin as the way to God. I write also for millions of married couples whose consciences are abused by religious authority proclaiming how to plan their family and manage their bedroom lives. My story is not just my story. I write for the multitudes abused by the dark power of religious authority over many ages. I write to give voice to many who have had no voice and have not been heard.

However, I find the mysterious around the corner. If we, in our lives and loves, dreams and disappointments, hopes and hurts, losses and surprises, have not found the unexpected and unexplainable, we have not yet lived. I stretch my heart here to talk about these things, things about myself that even my family has never heard: personal secrets, private stumbles, my deepest hurts and self-inflicted wounds.

The logo (1) at the beginning of each chapter signifies there are three voices in each chapter. Moreover, since we each have multiple selves, arising from body, mind, heart or spirit, a  vital task in life is to listen to our different inner voices, get them in harmony with one another in order to both survive and thrive in a crazy-busy and insane world.  In one sense the memoir is one person’s’ journey to get all of his voices in harmony with the emerging truth of his life. In another, this telling is aimed to precipitate the developing of awareness of this inner task for others.

The disrobing in my story is offered as a physician’s touch to our common humanity, an act of love for our unique brotherhood. May you find the incentive to re-weave the plot lines of your own story into wellness. May my search for my true North

reveal the needle of your own compass. May you find some threads of your own spiritual journey in mine.

Chapter 1

The Rope Is Not Tied to Me.

No matter what your childhood circumstances,

Your younger self plays a central and worthy role in your story.

Your spiritual journey takes its first steps in childhood

Long before you have the awareness or name to pursue it.

When you honor those memories,

You honor holiness in its full complexity.

-Elizabeth Andrews, Writing the Sacred Journey

Here he come, nekkid as a jay bird. And I hollered over t' Ethel, I said, Don't look, Ethel!

But it's too late, she'd already been incensed.

-Ray Stevens. The Streak.

My family life started in a small bungalow on North Spalding Avenue near High Street in Lebanon, Kentucky. Lebanon was a small town of about 3,000 people, the center of a farming community in South Central Kentucky, 30 miles south of the better-known Danville, home of Centre College. My father, a family physician, had started his practice here in 1929, the year of my birth. State Road 55 ran by our house.

My first eureka moment happened the summer I turned four years of age. My mother was frustrated by my attempts to create some mischief to get her attention while she cared for two or maybe three of my younger sisters. She decided I needed to be outside the house. Since there was a state highway in front of our house and no fence, she searched about for some way to keep me in bounds but let me play outside. She took a rope of clothesline, tied one end to the large tree and the other end to me so that I could have the circumference of the tree to play, but no more. Danger was looming.

I explored the circumference of the tree, finding only old toys left outside. The only other thing to explore was my restraining rope. I discovered the rope had two knots. One end of the rope was firmly tied to the tree. Then came my first discovery experience. The other end, aha, was not tied to me but rather to my sun suit. The excitement of that first discovery experience, delight, promising freedom and new adventure still remains today! Never had the sun shone so brightly as it did that moment.

I just slipped my shoulder strap and simply stepped out of my sun suit—suddenly free to travel. Not even a diaper to hold me back. After the Aha discovery experience came a strong elation of freedom, freedom from constraints, freedom to travel. I felt exhilarated before moving, just suddenly and wonderfully free.

I had no inclination to return to my mother or the house. For me there was nothing in the yard to explore. What enthralled me in the next moment was that I was not only free to travel, but the big, wide wonderful world outside my small yard beckoned. The world beyond, offering wonder