Secrets of Intimacy: How to Stay on the Next Pillow

By Dr. Paschal Baute

What is missing in failed marriages? What is the glue that held happy marriages together? I  had been the child of conflicted parents, over-hearing frequent arguments through my bedroom wall, with my bedroom next to theirs. Firstborn, I had become the confidante of my mother with her taking me on spying trips. That conflict went on for years before they finally divorced when I was 18.  I had tried to be a go-between but failed.

Then, a celibate Catholic priest with no experience of happy marriages, I was completing a clinical internship at the Marriage Council of Philadelphia, considered the premier training for this field, part, of the University of Pennsylvania. We were seeing a diverse number of conflicted marriages.

What was missing? What could possibly be the glue, the needed Right Stuff for happy marriages, I kept pondering. The year was 1968, 25 years before the advent of positive psychology, changing emphasis from the sick and bad stuff  to the healthy good stuff, introduced by Stanley Milgram.

Hounded by the curiosity, I finally decided, after much research, that the elusive stuff was intimacy, which no one had ever studied but many had written about. So, exploring and discovering the components of the felt sense of intimacy became the subject of my doctoral project at University of Pennsylvania. I was able to tap meetings of the Christian Family Movement meeting interviewing couples at Catholic churches  in the suburbs of Philadelphia and Camden.  I found 20 facets or components of intimacy. It was clear that I had discovered the glue of the emotional bonding that sustained conflict and challenges. This research is now published in my book, Secrets of Intimacy, 2016 and now in digital form (2021)

The book is also the result of 40 years of marital therapy and now, blessed, some 50 years marriage to the same partner. We explore what the emotional bond of happy marriages is like and how to achieve  these skills.  Twenty-two chapters of intimate behavior are discussed, unpacked and explored  Themes from Chapter Two:

"We belong together—a sense of comradeship

We respect our differences

We have empathy for each other

We can be ourselves

We strengthen and complete each other

We share all of life

We enjoy and practice a mutual reciprocity

We protect each other

We give and receive tenderness

We show compassion

We help each other grow

"It just feels right" (a sense of total relaxation, gladness, peace, security that was like a sense of "being-at-home")

Each of these experiences emerged in the research. Supporting and non-supporting behaviors are discussed.

This book is useful for personal discovery, couples sharing and classroom discussion. It is recommended for courses in family relatios, marital dynamics, pastoral care and the behavioral sciences, such as mental health, psychology and social work. It is a "go-to" book for counselors of every sort.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baute Publishing
• Release date: Aug 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201348441

Book preview

EARLY PRAISE

"With decades of careful observation and experience, Paschal Baute brilliantly describes human behavior in a way that truly connects the dots. From published academic research to simple anecdotes, he reveals the essence of romantic and long-lasting relationships. With wit and enthusiasm, he describes the choices we have to be reflective and to love ourselves in order to succeed in loving others. Dr. Baute's chapters, and practical advice for navigating our common human shortcomings, result from his life's journey. In their analyses, these 'to-the-point' examples and suggestions tell the story of our basic nature. If only everyone (but especially our lovers, family members and world leaders) would read this book to learn how to triumph in self-love and healthy relationships!"

—Robin Inwald, Ph.D., AP, author, Inwald Research Relationship Surveys

"This book provides a powerful, multi-faceted perspective on what intimacy truly means—the opening of one's soul to another. Paschal Baute, with his decades of experience as a counselor and as a married man, gives readers the tools needed to become fully conscious, functioning partners in every facet of married life. Pithy, participatory, and insightful, _Secrets of Intimacy_ is a lucid and wisely written guide to improving marriage."

—Leslie Moise, Ph.D. Author of Judith, Love is the Thread, and the upcoming Linked by the Joy of Words.

"Dr. Pascal Baute offers such a unique perspective on this subject matter. His convergent wisdom as a family man who is deeply in love with his wife, as a pastoral figure, and as a clinical psychologist provides both the professional and lay reader with the experience of being guided by a mystical, down-to-earth sage. I so admire everything about Pascal's insights on these matters, and am delighted that he put these insights to the page!"

—Jamie Marich, Ph.D., LOCK-S, LID-CS, Author, clinician, and founder of Dancing Mindfulness

"Paschal Baute has successfully presented a very informative and readable book on intimacy and how vital it is for couples as they move through life's varied and challenging experiences. The key to any lasting relationship is intimacy which he explores in greater detail than I have seen in like-minded books on the subject. He reaches into the depths of his own life journey from an emotionally - constricted childhood to abuse and betrayal in the priesthood to many years with his wife and family and through physical issues that include blindness. I highly recommend this book to couples as well as to psychotherapists and indeed to anyone struggling with this core issue. Understanding intimacy will lead to lasting and rewarding marriages.

—Janice A. Quinn, PhD, Jungian psychoanalyst, Arlington, Virginia

"Paschal Baute is a wise an experienced clinician on a mission to share his professional and life experience with all of us. He is the 'real deal' a man who personifies the kinds of acceptance, openness, and honesty that open minds and hearts. Take it all in, it will enrich you."

—Richard F. Reckman, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist specializing in couples counseling in Cincinnati, Ohio.

"I love this book. It's just what the doctor ordered. Paschal's many exercises on rebuilding intimacy are a godsend. This has helped me and my bride of 40 years renew our vows and refresh our life together. Paschal's skill as a counselor and font of practical wisdom is evident on every page. Highly recommended!"

—Michael Rivage-Seul is emeritus professor of Peace and Social Justice Studies at Berea College. He is the author of The Emperor's God: imperial misunderstandings of Christianity,

"What a rich and wonderful resource -—all therapists should have multiple copies, of course - and all parties in relationships or wishing they were in relationships - anybody that wants to be happy - a goldmine of information and exercises."

—Ed Gage, author, The Ten-Year Report on The Union of Psychology and Spirituality Retreats (TuopasRetreats.org)

"Paschal Baute has created an inspirational masterpiece blending Eastern and Western Christian philosophies, life experience over 50+ years of work, and counseling for a complete 'how to' workbook that can be used on a daily basis for increasing self-understanding, happiness in any relationship, and intimacy in a marriage whether in crisis or not."

—Irene and Don Perry. Don is a professional engineer; Irene is a Certified Yoga/Chopra Meditation Instructor. They live in Lexington, Kentucky.

"...The chapter 14 on Positive Reframing is powerful and  illuminating, revealing the many ways we can react to stress or negative situations. Such reframing discipline invites us to a new awakening, a welcoming of amazement and wonder.  We all  need this. I made copies of this chapter for several friends. "

—Steve Humble, Humble Plumbing, Winchester, Ky

THE SECRETS OF INTIMACY

How to Stay on  the Next Pillow

Dr. Paschal Baute

Copyright © 2015 by Paschal Baute

All Rights Reserved

V9 Aug 21

Contributing Editors:

Charles Eyer, Ed gage

Some of these chapters were

originally published in

popular magazines.

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Baute Publishing

4080 Lofgren Court

Lexington, KY 40509

DEDICATION

I dedicate this labor of love to my daughter, Michelle, for her courage and sustaining resilience, in coping with two children each needing a bone marrow transplant as well as an early childhood form of macular degeneration in both children, and a husband also diagnosed and treated for cancer., all during the same year, no less. I dedicate this to her awesome family, husband Joe, daughter Chloe and son, Quinn, for their courage, grace and love.

Out of this dark night, it is my belief and my hope that two of these sometime will write a narrative of their own story to give hope an inspiration to other wounded hearts.

I dedicate this also to my ski bunny honey who got the entire family into downhill skiing for her 50th birthday after which we skied together for the next 30 years, riding the lift together more than 1200 times. With my visual impairment, she has been kind enough to read every word I have written about three times, so the total is now about a half million words. My life partner has taught me much about loyalty and commitment so without her this book could not have been written. She is awesome

INTRODUCTION

The average length of a first marriage in the United States is now eight years. Scarcely one half of marriages last 15 years. Divorce rate is rapidly Increasing, as measured in those states which keep records. Seventy percent of the time, it is women who file for divorce. Women are no better than men in this capacity. The percentage of married couples who reach their 35th anniversary is now only 20%. The overall percentage of children born out of wedlock is 40%. The hidden epidemic in our country is the loss of our capacity for intimacy needed to sustain marriage.(1)

Basically, the single parent is now our social norm. This means that children living with a single parent do not learn the skills of intimacy in sharing that make marriage work. More than ever, the competencies found in intimacy need exploring. How do couples who sustain a happy marriage make it work? This book unpacks and explores those desperately needed secrets. It also offers a step by step guide for couples seeking to both understand and renew their relationship.

This book is based on research with happily married couples, four decades of listening to couples in conflict and the author’s own marriage of 47 years, with much negotiation between two strong willed partners. He guides the reader through a progressive understanding of the skills and competencies needed to sustain intimacy for better or for worse.

Using real-life examples and situations (slightly modified to preserve privacy) that clearly illustrate the behaviors that undermine and destroy otherwise-committed relationships, The Secrets of Intimacy also provides positive examples and a spectrum of exercises needed for healing, strengthening and growing that most deeply rewarding love found in lifetime intimacy with another. Clinical situations from marital counseling point toward the specific learning skills needed. Arenas of self-understanding, emotions and finding fault are explored. Each chapter offers insights for discussion and practical application. Four key stumbling blocks are discussed and remedies described.

Persons or couples willing to examine their capacity for intimacy will find this book a helpful and practical guide. Intimacy is viewed as the core competency for building relationships, for marital success and even for personal fulfillment.

Intimacy can be rediscovered at most any stage. However, some building blocks must be in place. Each participant must bring something new to the relationship. Primarily it must be a willingness to let go of the past, in a spirit of forgiveness, acceptance of one’s own faults, and a thorough, ongoing commitment to renewal and rediscovery.

The Appendix offers an Inventory for self-assessment in avoiding intimacy, as well as the story of the author’s own search for intimacy.

The competencies required for creating intimate relationships are described and explained, with individual and couples exercises offered. This book is also a program of total wellness, for oneself and one’s relationships. It is a reframing of one’s life in the context of intimacy, calling us to live whole-heartedly.

#1. APPRECIATE THE THEMES OF INTIMACY

Chapter 1. Primary Research

What is intimacy? Social Science had bandied the concept around for years. One modality of self-understanding, Transactional Analysis, had even made intimacy its pinnacle value. Yet no one had undertaken to explore the experience, to discover what were its dimensions, to examine what were the behavioral components of this emotional closeness as found in healthy relationships. All was conjecture, assumption, or pedantic theory. So unexplored was intimacy that the common interpretation was that of a physical or sexual meaning.

My doctoral research explored the dimension of intimacy as emotional closeness which nourished successful relationships. My population was married couples who rated their marriages as above average in happiness. Briefly, in summary, 19 components of the felt experience were discovered. For therapists or the interested reader, the research abstract is found in Appendix Two. We list these key research components and then discuss them.

Categories of felt experiences found were a sense of: (1) acceptance, (2) respect and admiration, (3) understanding, (4) friendship and companionship, (5) ease in