That Llama Gonna Spit: Magic and Mayhem Universe: Maidens of Mayhem, #5

By Julia Mills

From retired supermodel to princess to prisoner in forty-eight hours is a lot for anyone to handle, but I'm Monique Morninglory – Mockingbird Shifter Extraordinaire, Maiden of Mayhem, and proud godmother to the cutest set of half-Flamingo/half-Hound Dog twins who ever crapped their diapers in Tallulu Parish.

One stupid phone call, a not-so chance meeting with Mr. Hunka-Hunka-Legal-Llama Hotness, and a trip across the Pond, and every chance of a leisurely, laidback life solving mysteries in the Swamp disappeared like the last fuchsia, rhinestone Prada clutch at the Macy's Labor Day Sale. 

Holy Great Goddess in a chartreuse G-string, up is down, in is out, and my half-sister is an evil beyotch! Stop the world, I wanna get off! My heel just broke, my tiara's crooked, and somebody stole my favorite MAC lipstick in Ruby Woo Red.

Just wait till my besties from the nestie get here. We're about to turn this castle out and party like Flock stars. Grab your feathers, folks! This is one story you just can't miss!

XOXO, Moni

• Language: English
• Publisher: Julia Mills
• Release date: Jun 21, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201410360

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Copyright © 2021 by Julia Mills, Author

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

The Author of this Book has been granted permission by Robyn Peterman to use the copyrighted characters and/or worlds created by Robyn Peterman in this book. All copyright protection to the original characters and/or worlds of the Magic and Mayhem series is retained by Robyn Peterman.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Cover by Me (I know! It freaks me out, too.)

Proofed by Book Nook Nuts

Beta Read by Charlene Bauer Linda Levy, Beverley Pritchard

DEDICATION

Dare to Dream! Find the Strength to Act! Never Look Back!

Thank you, God.

To my girls, Liz and Em, I Love You. Every day, every way, always.

To all my readers – THANK YOU for NEVER giving up on me! I Love Y’all to the Holler and Beyond!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Epilogue

About Julia

Also by Julia

Foreword

Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!

I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.

What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?

Well, let me explain...

It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you...the results are hilarious!

So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!

For all the stories, go to MagicandMayhem.com. Grab your copy today!

And if you would like to read the book that started all the madness, Switching Hour is FREE!

Get Your Copy Right Here!

Chapter One

What do you mean you’re out of town? Max screeched, the honk of her Flamingo making her voice sound more like a foghorn than her usual smoky alto. You’re supposed to be here, Moni. You prom...

I know. I know. You are totally right. I did promise to be on call, to take care of the twins, hold Livvie’s hand, or Goddess forbid, make – order as my case maybe – food for the whole crew, and I am so sorry. It’s just...

"It’s just that Livvie’s almost two weeks overdue, or did you forget?"

No, I didn’t, but this was...

The twins – you remember them, right? My babies, your godchildren, the ones who came into the world two weeks early surprising us all by being two instead of one?

Yes, I remember. I love them with all my heart and then some, and I love you, but...

But nothing, Monique, she snarled my name like she was chewing nails. "Your godchildren are already teething. How in the hell am I gonna be able to help Liv bring that precious little half Owl/half Pig sweetie pie into the world like she helped me if I can’t even set MJ and JM down for more than thirty seconds?"

Let me stop right there. It just dawned on me that I’m getting way ahead of myself. You have no idea who Max, or for that matter, any of my Flock, are. In true Monique fashion, I got way ahead of myself. So here goes. Hold on tight. You aren’t gonna believe what comes next.

I’m gonna give you the Reader’s Digest condensed version because telling you the whole damned thing would take a month of Sundays and neither one of us has time for that shit.

First of all – my Flock, aka my besties from the nestie aka the Maidens of Mayhem consist of seven sassy, sexy female Shifters who all just happen to have wings. Most of us have known each other since we were little girls and one is brand new to the crew but considered a sister-of-the-heart, nonetheless.

At least a decade ago or maybe it was longer, Maxine moved to New York City to open her practice. Yes, Maxine Monroe was and is a very well-respected psychiatrist who just happened to have had a thriving practice in the Big Apple from the second she hung up her shingle. And, before you ask, no, she did not treat Shifters. Every single one of Max’s patients were human.

Stop shaking your head. It was her calling. She had to follow her heart, and we all supported her decision. It just meant that even though we were miles and miles and miles apart, we had to find ways to stay close. Not a damned one of us wanted to lose our sister. So, we all bought brand new computers, signed up for the best internet service we could find, and searched out a cellphone company with unlimited minutes and data.

With the hard part over, the emails started flying, the phone calls were nonstop, and Midnight Margaritas over skype became an every Friday night event. No matter the distance, my Flock stayed as thick as the plumage on our beautiful behinds.

Hell, it made it possible for us to not even bat an eye when Clementine, our resident Canary Shifter, up and announced that she would be traveling the world for the foreseeable future. As a world-renowned and award-winning photojournalist, there was no way any of us could stand in her way. After all, loving someone is wanting the best for them, and dadgummit, I love my Flock more than life itself. (Thankfully, she came back last year, met her Mate, and now we’re all back together.)

Sure, there were hiccups. Getting international calling plans that didn’t mean mortgaging the house and selling the family jewels to be able to pay for was painful and scheduling for an ‘All Call’ was a bitch. Let’s face it, we were all busy women, but the one thing no one can ever say about us is that we’re not committed.

(No, I’m not talking about psychiatrically committed, like in Bailmore Hall, ya’ big Goofball. Geez. Can you get a grip and keep up, please?)

Anyway, it’s important for you to know that nothing in Tallulu Parish ever goes off without a hitch. Not only are each and every one of us stubborn to the core, sassy as all get out, and southern to the bone, we’re Shifters. Persistent, obstinate, and downright hard-headed is just the way we roll.

Still confused?

Okay, here’s the best example I can give you.  

Maxine choosing to help humans instead of Shifters pissed off her daddy – Dr. Horace T. Monroe, the renowned and respected Healer of Dual-Natured Beings and the founder of Bailmore Hall, the only Home for Sanity-Challenged Shifters – more than a day without chicory root coffee and crumble cake. Let me tell you, things got hairy for the first couple of weeks. I was sure the doc was about to join his patients and check himself into Bailmore. Thank the Great Goddess, that did not happen. The only thing that kept the old doc sane, in Tallulu Parish, and from chasing his daughter all the way up north and dragging her back by her ear, was our dear Edna.

You see, not only is Eds the Eagle Shifter of our Flock, but she’s also Mated to a Mule Shifter who’s a retired detective and relocated to Tallulu Parish after the couple met at none other than the Almighty Shifter Wanker – Zelda’s house and an amazing nurse practitioner to boot. Seriously, one of the best because well, she learned from the best – her momma. As luck would have it, not six months before Max’s departure, Edna stepped into her mom’s shoes as Dr. Monroe’s ever-present assistant and ARNP in charge of damned near everything at Bailmore when the elder Eagle retired.

Now, as you can imagine, the doc didn’t give up without a fight. He even tried to be sneaky, sitting down with all of us ‘just to chat’ when we stopped by for lunch or just to say hi. Luckily, we saw through the doc’s BS and shut that crap right down. However, somewhere in his smarter-than-the-average-Flamingo brain and after failing at conning the rest of us, Doc Monroe thought he could use Edna to keep up on Max. Sure, he could’ve just swallowed his pride, picked up the phone, and talked to his daughter, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. Male plus Shifter plus dad plus ‘more mature’ always equals a shit-ton of pride. Ultimately, each and every one of us had a come-to-Jesus meeting over a pitcher of Edna’s magnificent margaritas, big bowls of her homemade guac, salsa, and crispy fried chips, and set things straight with the doc.

Now, you’re thinking we were mean. Don’t try to deny it. I can see it in your eyes. You were just about to say something about my Flock and I being mean to the elderly, but you couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Fact of the matter is, we all saw Dr. Monroe’s sly questions for what they were – pure, unadulterated love for his daughter. We’d known him our whole lives. His heart was the size of Texas and then some. It hurt my heart to have shut him down, but my loyalties did, and always will, lie with my Flock. The doc respected our decision, and never asked again.

Now, what I’m about to tell you will make more sense. At least, I hope it does.

After the doc died...

(Eaten by a prepubescent Pterodactyl he was treating for Anorexia, but that's a whole other tale. Actually, it’s Max and J.B.’s love story. Yes, our Flamingo is Mated to a Hound Dog Shifter who just happens to be a detective, and they just had half Flamingo/half Hound Dog twins – a boy and a girl, Maxwell James and Jamie Maxine. Yep! You guessed it. My godchildren are named after their parents in a twisty, turvy kinda way. You can check out their story if you have the time.)

...his last will and testament stated his entire estate was to be inherited by his only daughter. And, yep, you guessed it, that included Bailmore Hall.

Yes, it was a huge obstacle, but ultimately what brought the Flock back together. Talk about dark clouds with silver linings, this one was the best.

As it happens, the one and only Home for the Shifterly Insane (It’s got a lot of names. Just try to keep up.) was in bad shape. Really, really, horrible, terrible, falling down around our ears, almost condemned by the Parish council, and moldier than an old shoe at the bottom of the Swamp.

To say Bailmore Hall was an eyesore was putting it mildly, but everybody loved the old girl right down to the thick ivy covering damn near every inch of her exterior. She was a landmark in our community. A place started and maintained by one of the most beloved people in all of Tallulu Parish probably all of Louisiana, maybe the world.

Nobody – and I mean not a soul - was gonna tear her down, especially the Mayor, because his dear elderly momma lived there. (Crazy as a loon and funny as all get-out, Mrs. Thompson, a Tortoise Shifter who thinks she’s a Rabbit, is the best patient ever, and she makes a mean sweet potato pie without burning the place down. Don’t tell Edna, but it’s the reason I