Diary of the Broken Hearted: As a Woman: My Raw, Uncut Diary

By Johnna Murrey

Get a peek inside the mind of a preacher's daughter. Read the red flags in my raw, uncut diary of the first year of an abusive relationship. I was a single mother, a second-year college student, and a passionate writer, but I lost my passion for writing in a new relationship. I lost my grip on my own reality. He became my world. In time, his passion became my passion, and he had a true obsession with himself. He loved that I loved him.

This is my diary from 2014–2015. It details the beginning of an abusive cycle that would last for six years before I broke that cycle. This book may be used as a guide, but it is my healing journey. It was therapeutic to write. It's important to feel your feelings, and to be honest with yourself. This book is all about my feelings. I was able to reflect on some things that have happened and the signs I missed. It's important to know the signs of abuse.

This book is the first release of a series.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 23, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098384227

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Before I begin, what I want you to know is that this love story ends badly. The devil sent this man to destroy my life. So, I changed his name to Belial. I’ll call him B throughout this book though.

What I want you to get out of this book is that to love someone does not mean to lose love for yourself. I gave to him the love that I was supposed to give to myself. I knew what he showed and told me better than I knew myself—and to make things worse, what he showed and told me...well, you read.

CHAPTER 1

SHINY

Saturday, November 29, 2014. 8:44 p.m.

So, there’s this guy and today, I have a date with him. I’m still not entirely sure how to pronounce his name. It’s Belial. I’m not sure if I’m saying it correctly, Be-lao or Be-laol. Well, I’ll ask him today! I’m really nervous about tonight. Anyways, I guess I’ll start at the beginning. It was the first week of school when he first caught my eye. I saw him on campus coming from the direction of my class’ building. I smiled at him and he smiled back. Black is beautiful! He was a tall and strong black man. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I was certain that I wanted to get to know him. I wanted his strong embrace. I wanted a connection with a man who knew and didn’t need to be taught how to treat and understand a black woman such as myself. The more I saw him, the more I saw myself with him.

Before I met B, my last and first relationship had been with a white man who had put his hands on me too many times, called me a n****r, and left me to be a single mother. After that, I talked to another white man, who I thought ghosted me but after a quick search on the internet, I found out that he went to jail for murder… but those are stories for another book.

So there was my knight and shining armor shining because he shined an inspirational light in my direction. Knight? I’m not sure about that yet. Anyways, back to the beginning. The next time I saw him, I was sitting in the university’s center with my friend and he walked past. I told her that I thought he was cute. Her response was, He walks like he from the hood. Over time, I saw him almost three times in a day, when I went to school. We always smiled at each other but we never talked to each other. This went on until one day; I was walking to my car but then decided that I wanted chips for the ride home. So, I went all the way back to the building where my last class took place, which is where I always saw him going to, when I was on my way out. I went to the store in that building and when I came out, he must have gone to the bathroom because he was coming from that direction down the hall, as I was coming out of the store. We were the only two people in the hallway. This was my chance to talk to him. I said, Hi, how are you? He replied, What’s up. He was slowing down as if he wanted to say more! But I was speed walking so I zoomed right past him because I was so nervous. I was so mad at myself for not having stopped. I thought of it during the weekend.

My next chance was when I was still in the class gathering my books, when suddenly, he walked in. He put his things in a chair and we smiled at each other. He started walking right towards me! And I zoomed out of the classroom. I zoomed past him again! Later on, it dawned on me that the following weekend, I had to interview 10 people for one of my classes, and I thought he could be one of them. I was super nervous when it was time to talk to him. I hurried out of class because I wanted to go to the school store first. When I was walking towards the store, I saw him walking, too. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I would really talk to him. But as I was ringing my stuff up, I saw him sit at the table right next to the store. I was nervous because it meant that I had to talk to him. He was sitting by himself. It was fate. I knew exactly what I would say. Hi, I always see you when I come out of this class. I’ve got to interview a few people on campus for another class of mine. But, since you have a class that’s about to start, I can give you my number. You can text me, and I’ll give you all the details. Haha! I’m a dork. Yes, I know. All my words came out scrambled. He was just smiling. He said, I was going to get your number anyway. Aha! Those were the words that locked us in. On my way home, I was so excited. I texted him the details and he texted me back, Yes, then I get to take you out, right? Yes, I was smiling.

Well, the next day at school I had a two hour gap between my classes, we hung out then. I met him at the library, I told him about my daughter before anything started. He had asked what time I got to sleep and my response was, Well, I do have a daughter so she kept me up. He didn’t seem too phased. Then he paid for my lunch and we sat at the lunch table for the entire two hours. We talked about so much. Neither of us ever stopped talking. There was never an awkward silence. I felt so comfortable around him. We then walked in the rain. He held my umbrella and I held his arm—it was romantic really. We hugged and we parted ways. So now, we’ve been texting constantly since Monday and I have to get ready for our official date!

Sunday, November 30, 2014, 2:18 AM

So, B and I are texting now. Our date went absolutely well. We had small talk before the movie. Our shoulders were touching and that gave me a warm feeling. After the movie, I grabbed his arm and we walked close to each other. He walked me to my car and when we arrived, I said, Hugs! So, we hugged. Then he said, Kisses! So, we kissed! It was cute. His lips swallowed my lips. He even asked for a redo and it was great, even though my eyes were open! But who is better to practice with than B? He was my fifth kiss. And I must say...I enjoyed both of his kisses very much. I’ll take his kisses any day!

P.S. We saw the movie *inserts great movie*.

Tuesday December 2, 2014, 2:33 PM

B is definitely someone that I can see myself with but I want to make sure that the feelings are reciprocal. I know it’s way too early to be thinking ahead. But he should’ve never kissed me. We played 21 questions last night so I got a lot of information from him. He’s never been in a serious relationship, he’s had three girlfriends, he’s never been in love or been wronged by a girl. There’s something wrong with that picture. He said he’s never been that deep; he’s had small feelings for people, but never took anything to heart. That’s really scary for me because I put my all into things, no matter how much time it takes. I’m not sure if he’s willing or even capable of giving his heart to someone. That’s the worst part of the situation. The best part is the hope. The hope that maybe I could be the one for him – actually if he’s willing – I know I can be the one for him. Since he’s not that experienced with a relationship, he could definitely grow. But I need a man who is ready, not a man that I need to work on. At this point, I’m really just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

One of the questions that he asked me was, How many white guys have you had sex with? I think that was over the line and very disrespectful. Even though I’ve only been with one guy, I felt like that was all that mattered. It felt like he was trying to see how easy or how willing I was to have sex, just for his benefit, of course. I didn’t like that and I definitely didn’t like it when he said, I want to ask: when are we going to ya know... but I respect things that are special to people. That confirmed that he was looking for sex from me. He doesn’t even know my last name; he hasn’t even asked me that question, yet he’s asking me about things like this.

And writing all of this down makes me feel in control. I know what I’m getting myself into and I know what to look for. Honestly, I’m not too sure if I want to continue things with him but I do know for sure that we aren’t having sex in the next year. He told me he hasn’t had sex in almost 2 years. Neither have I, so another year shouldn’t hurt. I’m not sure if he told me that to impress me or not. But I’m onto him. Another thing is that he told me, not even a week ago, that he was going to transfer to a university in another state. But, yesterday, he told me that he wasn’t going to do so anymore. I think he told me that just to satisfy me or give me false hope for him staying here and us having the opportunity to be together. He said all of that just to have sex with me. That’s just a possibility though, but I’m glad I’m thinking all this out because I’m trying to be smart this time around. And if I do fall, I’ll have this to come back to -- to catch myself. I won’t be blinded by love. I’ll make myself see and remember.

I was far too willing to fix him and I didn’t see that his broken pieces could cut me. I was playing with fire. How silly it is to dance around it and expect not to get burnt. Please, when dating, leave people that need to be fixed alone. They need a relationship with God not