Waiting for a Miracle: Life in the Dead Zone: Life in the Dead Zone: Life in the Dead Zone: Life in the Dead Zone

By JOHN R SPENCER

This is not a manual on how to grieve quickly or successfully. Neither is it a "feel good" volume offering certainty about an afterlife and future reunions with departed loved ones, although it does not discount such a possibility. While remaining sensitive to the corporeal world around us, as well as to such spiritual possibilities that there a

• Language: English
• Publisher: 1
• Release date: Dec 10, 2020
• ISBN: 9780648835653

JOHN R SPENCER

About the author John Spencer has a background in philosophy, travel, literature and history and has comprehensively explored the world around him. He has demonstrated expertise in, and current knowledge of, world politics and has a keen interest in the uses and misuses of social media. His websites are: www.creativityandpower.com and www.cassandradoom.com

Book preview

This is not a manual on how to grieve quickly or successfully. Neither is it a feel good volume offering certainty about an afterlife and future reunions with departed loved ones, although it does not discount such a possibility. While remaining sensitive to the corporeal world around us, as well as to such spiritual possibilities that there are, it is above all a journey into the intricate workings of the mind of a massively bereaved parent. At times it is confronting, at others hopeful; yet the reader will surely experience an empathy and perhaps greater understanding of one of the worst missiles that Life can fire at us.

Preface - a personal account of the

author’s life

For more than 40 years I have battled depression, mainly endogenous but perhaps also some reactive. I struggled with everything known to psychiatry, from psychotherapy to various anti-depressant drugs. At times the black dog ran away. At others it jumped on me all over again. The only thing I learned from these years was that oversupply of personal stress would bring it on.

Stress not only brought on depression but also all manner of anxiety states.

From physical shaking to actual panic attacks I ran the full gamut.

It was only after I married my present wife from Taiwan that, one of the more brilliant psychiatrists diagnosed me as suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, with its attendant chronic anxiety, as a result of deep, underlying depression. Prescribed with the best medication available at the time I began to make considerable improvements. I was vaguely able to get up in the mornings and do things with some sense of purpose. The years ran into each other while trying to make a living and get ahead just a little. At one stage, 1

during a bad patch in my marriage, I ended up in a psychiatric facility once again.

Apart from the usual return to health programs I was introduced to the practice of Yoga. I found that pastime particularly relaxing and rewarding. Long after my discharge I continued following the practice of Yoga and became my normal, happy-go-lucky self once again. For the first time in decades I felt that I actually possessed a life worth living. I drove taxis part time to earn a few extra dollars and get out of the house. The mortgage on our home was under control, and although money was a little tight, we could comfortably manage.

Years before I met my wife I had been medically retired from my previous occupation due to psychiatric and stress related problems. As a result of that retirement I received a modest pension. I don’t think my wife understood that it was granted due to a disability (inability to cope with levels of chronic stress that most people can manage). I suspect that she regarded this pension as some kind of money for nothing or a given and that I should be able to work as hard as anybody else and earn considerable amounts of extra money, on top of that pension.

Since 2001, under the guidance of financial advisors, we had borrowed money to invest in the stock market. While both of us were working everything was under control. In hind sight I should have simply refused to accept any additional financial risks that could be stress provoking. To that extent I must share some of the blame for the outcome. We accepted the risks as a price to be paid for getting ahead and building some financial security. We saw 9/11

come and go and were still sailing along amongst the economic ups and downs.

Claire’s arrival was joyous but of course my wife was compelled to stop work.

In order to keep up all our repayments I was compelled to work harder and harder. The only employment open to me at the time was as a taxi driver. Part time became very much full time with long hours. I drove nights as I had never been a natural early riser. I found that I never obtained sufficient sleep and didn’t have enough free time left to regularly attend yoga class. There was no time for my other passion, writing, either.

The taxi business is no pathway to wealth, particularly on the Gold Coast in Australia. Nonetheless I knew that I had to earn enough to make the repayments and keep the household running. The stress was considerable and 2

I could feel some elements of my OCD and depression returning. Claire’s presence made it all worthwhile as she was my motivation. I soldiered on with the gruelling hours and economic uncertainty.

Early in 2007 I discovered an opportunity to receive a regular wage, eliminating the financial uncertainty of taxi driving. There were positions available for bus drivers and, since I already possessed a heavy vehicle driver’s licence and a bus authority, I was readily accepted.

The economic uncertainty had been removed but a whole new range of stressors presented themselves. Learning to drive buses on routes is stressful for the first few months for everybody. In addition I was forced to change into a reluctant early riser. This I did and struggled forever onwards. It was all for our Claire and was worth the effort and pain. In my new role I still rarely managed sufficient sleep. Until I had passed my probationary period I was constantly worried lest I lost my job. Those repayments always hung above me like the sword of Damocles.

In November 2007, a month before we visited Sydney to see my father and sister, the global stock market suffered a huge fall. The Australian index plummeted 1200 points overnight. A week later, it, along with the other markets, had returned to their previous levels. Reserve banks around the world had massively intervened. This had never occurred before in history! To say that this event caused me to become nervous was an understatement. I tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade my wife to agree to sell our shares. To be fair, after the Australian index had lost nearly 2000 points, my wife grudgingly intoned, All right, sell them if you want! I merely answered that it was too late! We had gone from a position where we would have no mortgage and a reasonable cash surplus, to one where we were back in considerable debt.

Financially, I simply decided to carry on and hope for the best. None of this fazed Claire, unsurprisingly.

Move out then, was all my wife would say. The message was clear. I could simply defer to her judgment or move out. Not a great choice, so I stayed. On the few occasions she suggested this I would reply, Claire and Fluffy need me. Our financial advisers, whose business was centred round stock market investment, were eternal optimists and, although a little nervousness would appear on their faces and in their voices from time to time, thought that the sharp downturn would blow over soon enough.

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Waiting for a miracle: life in the Dead Zone

- a father’s account of his own grief journey

Chapter One

Introduction

Hardly an hour goes by when I don’t think of my younger daughter, Claire. She was snatched from us by Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. That is a label used by the medical authorities when an infant, who is too