STORIES FOR MEN: EXPRESSIONS OF COURAGE

By Pure Desire Ministries

The guilt, shame, and grief of sexual addiction can be overwhelming, if not paralyzing, for those who wage war in this battle. Many men live a secret life of fear and regret, devastated by the effects of their own behavior. They live a life of betrayal. Marriages are destroyed, and families torn apart. Many men are left feeling worthless, unlova

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pure Desire Ministires International
• Release date: Apr 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781087881607

Book preview

I’ve struggled with porn and masturbation for a long time. By the time I was 15 years old, I had my own stash of pornography, which I had collected from my dad’s hiding place and kept hidden under my bed. When I met and married my wife, I thought that my problem would be gone. She would fulfill all my desires. Instead, I found myself comparing my beautiful bride to airbrushed pictures in magazines. She may not have known about my sexual addiction, but she sensed it, often watching me glance at other women. All of this caused her to feel more and more insecure, and less and less treasured by me. There were times when she would take our children to spend a few weeks on the East Coast in the summer. These were especially difficult times for me. With all the extra time on my hands and no one around, I could watch films without the fear of being caught. I was playing with fire by going to clubs, thinking it was okay since I was just looking.

Somehow I managed to compartmentalize my life. We went to church and were part of a team that prepared young couples for marriage. We presented sessions for Marriage Encounter Weekends and led a married couples’ class at our church. My brother’s and sister’s marriages were failing, and they saw ours as the one that was working. It wasn’t that we were being hypocrites; I loved my wife and enjoyed being with her. I could not imagine life without her. And yet, there was this war going on inside me. I did what I didn’t want to do and found it hard to do what I should do.

We were married for 15 years when it all came to a head. I worked in construction and injured my back while lifting a heavy log. Not being able to return to work, I grew restless, and my son and I went fishing. I twisted my knee badly, which required surgery. The workman’s comp people got wind of this incident and discontinued my payments. God got my attention, and one evening, I came clean to my wife regarding my sexual addiction. She was devastated. We spent most of the night talking it out, but I had only shared with her the tip of the iceberg.

" I HAVE BEEN CLEAN NOW FOR OVER TWO AND A HALF YEARS WITH NO RELAPSE! "

A couple days later, she told me she sensed that there was more I needed to tell her. She was right, and that scenario repeated many times over the next week. I felt better having it out in the open, but I was hoping we could just sweep it all under the rug and get on with life. After another series of disclosures, she asked me to leave our home. I stayed in our camper where I wrestled with God and lost. I surrendered my heart and my life to Him and asked Him to take away my addiction. The next day, my wife could tell that I was a changed man. A couple months later, we renewed our vows, and I thought everything would be okay. And, I was okay for a while. I found someone that I wanted to mentor me and hold me accountable, but he did not really understand my struggle and told me, Just don’t do it anymore. Our meetings grew further and further apart until they stopped altogether.

For the next 17 years, I cycled through my addictive behaviors, relapsing about every three months. The guilt and shame were awful. I would tell myself, Never again, just read your Bible more, but then fail again. One day, my wife asked me if I was at it again, point blank. First, I lied and told her, No, but the guilt from lying was crushing me, so I confessed. She told me if I ever did it again, she would leave.

We began going to a church that sends a group of men to Guatemala each year. The men do a lot of physical work there, but they also spend a little time at El Oasis. The mission of El Oasis is to give hope to women who believe that they have to prostitute themselves in order to provide for their children. In preparation for the trip, we were challenged to look within and ask ourselves if there is anything hindering us from making an impact. I knew what the answer was for me, so I made another vow and put all of my temptations out of my mind, or so I thought.

I’ve never really felt comfortable sharing my struggles with other men, but the first night there, my roommates and I began sharing about our marital problems. I opened up about my problem with pornography and how I was afraid it would destroy my marriage. The men were really understanding and prayed with me. I began to feel my burden lifting. Meanwhile, back at home, my wife discovered a page from one of my magazines that I had thrown away. Somehow, the page ended up under my truck without me noticing. She answered only one of my phone calls, simply to say, You cleaned out your truck, but left something behind. Whew! Even thousands of miles away, I was in a panic.

We went to a church service at a very large church and I could barely make out the translation of what was being preached, but I could tell it was about sexual sin. Our pastor was sitting next to me and he could tell I was coming apart. He asked if I needed to go forward for prayer and I said, Yes. Afterwards, I shared with the men on the trip what I had been going through and they all prayed for me. They did not judge or shun me, but really cared. One of the men had been a leader of a Pure Desire group before he came to our church. We talked and planned to begin meeting when we got back home. I was determined to win my wife back, doing whatever it took.

God worked a miracle in her as well, and she began working through the Betrayal & Beyond Workbook with an online women’s group. I have been clean now for over two and a half years with no relapse! Our group has grown and I help lead when needed. I’m committed to this for life because the concepts covered in the Pure Desire’s Seven Pillars of Freedom and the accountability to other men in the group are the right tools for the job when it comes to breaking free from sexual addiction.

Like many other men, I was exposed to pornography at an early age. At the age of 12, I was introduced to pornographic videos, pictures, and masturbation by some of my friends. I quickly became hooked on masturbation, pornography, and fantasizing about sexual acts. I knew it was wrong. I felt immense shame whenever I acted out and I made promises to God that I would quit, but I just couldn’t stop. As a result, I fell deeper and deeper into sin and lived in a cycle of isolation, secrets, and shame for the following years.

At the age of 15, I got deeper into pornography when high speed Internet made its way into my home. I began regularly watching hardcore videos, which took up hours of my time every month. I knew all of the popular porn stars and websites. I knew where to go to find anything I wanted. Because of this, I kept falling deeper into bondage to sin, shame, and isolation. I went through cycles of trying to stop and lasting up to a month without acting out, but then returning to the place I promised myself and God that I would never go again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change my behavior.

When I went to college, I got involved in a campus ministry and started confessing my sin, opening up about my sexual struggles, and really trying to stop sinning sexually. People with good intentions advised me to gain accountability: read the latest books on why porn is wrong, memorize Scripture, say no to sin and look to Christ, and pray more. I did all of these things, but found myself back at square one: looking at porn and masturbating. I felt horrible about myself because I just couldn’t stop my behavior, even though I was following the advice of Christians. I thought that if I just had more self-control and loved Jesus more, I’d be able to stop sinning. As a result, I continued to live in a binge-purge cycle. I would go anywhere from a day to almost a year without looking at porn, but I would always act out again. It was a ticking time bomb that put my willpower to the test.

" I FOUND THE HEALING AND FREEDOM THROUGH CHRIST THAT I HAD DREAMED OF FOR YEARS. "

As I prepared to graduate college, I applied to work for a campus ministry, but my application was deferred due to my struggle with pornography. I was told that, in a few months, they would check in with me again and I may be accepted if there was more victory over my sin. With few resources for help, I put my willpower to the test once again and went several months without looking at pornography. As a result, I was accepted to work with the campus ministry. During this time, I decided that I really needed to find help with my struggle and I eventually wanted to see others in my position find help as well. Soon after, I began attending a Pure Desire group in my area and began to understand the woundedness that had driven my behavior for the past ten years of my life. It was in this group that I realized, for the first time, that I had a serious sexual addiction, not just a moral problem. I realized that the reason I struggled for so long to stop my behavior was not that I failed to be morally upright enough or committed to Christ enough. I learned that sexual sin starts out as an immoral decision, but quickly becomes a brain problem. My brain had been physically altered, which explained why it was so hard for me to stop my behavior.

Over the next few years, I worked my way through Seven Pillars of Freedom, Pure Desire, Top Gun, and Pure Desire’s 12-month clinical treatment program. During this process, I worked through a lot of the pain in my life that had led to my addiction. For the first time,