Behind the 8-Ball: A Recovery Guide for the Families of Gamblers: 2012 Edition

By Linda Berman MSW LCSW and Mary-Ellen Sigel MSW LCSW

Is someone you care about gambling your life away?

You don't have to be a gambler yourself to suffer from the often disastrous effects of excessive gambling. Behind the 8-Ball is the must-have guide to reclaiming your financial, legal, and emotional freedom.

Spouses, parents, siblings, children, friends, and coworkers of the gambler will learn how to:

Understand why some people lose control of their gambling Recognize the compulsive gambler and realistically assess the financial and emotional damage he or she is causing you and others Accept that you can't control someone else's gambling Encourage the gambler to seek help Recover from being involved with a gambler

For anyone who is or has ever been involved with someone who gambles too much, this supportive, informative volume delivers all the tools and motivation you need to rebuild your life.

"This book is essential for gamblers, families, friends, and professionals who need to know more about the personalities of gamblers ... It is a precise, updated, and accurate look at how gambling affects families."

- Timothy W. Fong, MD, co-director, UCLA Gambling Studies Program

"This book remains as important today as ever and has remained the standard reference for family members of gamblers."

- Keith Whyte, executive director, National Council on Problem Gambling

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 16, 2012
• ISBN: 9781462048557

Linda Berman MSW LCSW

LINDA BERMAN, MSW, LCSW Linda Berman, a licensed clinical social worker, is a recognized expert in the field of gambling and other addictions. She is sought after as a consultant and speaker throughout the country on addictions and has appeared on numerous radio and television programs. She earned a master’s degree from The Fordham University School of Social Work, and is a member of several professional organizations. Her private practice of psychotherapy is in Westchester County and in New York City, New York where she sees individuals and families with a wide variety of problems. MARY-ELLEN SIEGEL, MSW, LCSW Mary-Ellen Siegel, a licensed clinical social worker holds the faculty rank of Clinical Instructor in the Department of Community and Preventive Medicine at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. She is a graduate of the Columbia University School of Social Work in New York. She is in the private practice of psychotherapy in New York, and is a member of the National Council on Problem Gambling in addition to various other professional organizations. She has co-chaired and moderated academic conferences for health and mental health professionals as well as for the general public and she has made over 170 national radio and television appearances. Mary-Ellen Siegel has contributed to numerous professional journals and books and is the author or co-author of the following books for the general public: Her Way: A Guide to Biographies of Women For Young People Reversing Hair Loss The Nanny Connection The Cancer Patient’s Handbook Finger Tips Dr. Greenberger’s What Every Man Should Know About His Prostate Safe in the Sun Feeling Dizzy: Understanding and Treating Dizziness, Vertigo, and Other Balance Disorders Chemotherapy Today: New Drugs, New Approaches, and New Strategies Shingles: New Hope for an Old Disease Beyond Companionship: Dogs with a Purpose Breast Cancer Today: A Guide for Patients and Those Who Care About Them

Book preview

I was suspicious that my husband gambled far too much. Then a friend gave me a copy of Behind the 8-Ball and I knew I was right. I joined Gam-Anon and then got my husband to get help.

Carmen R., member Gam-Anon

An excellent step-by-step recovery guide. Msgr Joseph A. Dunne, M.P.A., C.A.C., Founder and President Emeritus, National Council on Problem Gambling.

It is rare that a text can be both a primer and a definitive work. Behind the 8-Ball has accomplished this feat. Rabbi Abraham Twerski, M.D. founder and Medical Director, Emeritus, Gateway Rehabilitation Centers.

BEHIND

the

8-BALL

A Recovery Guide for the

Families of Gamblers

Linda Berman, MSW, LCSW

Mary-Ellen Siegel, MSW, LCSW

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

Behind the 8-Ball

A Recovery Guide for the Families of Gamblers

Copyright © 1992, 2008, 2012 by Linda Berman, M.S.W., and Mary-Ellen Siegel, M.S.W.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse

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www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4620-4854-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-4855-7 (e)

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 1/31/2012

Contents

Acknowledgments

Authors’ Note

Foreword to the

2012 Edition

Introduction

to the 2012 Edition

PART ONE

KNOWING

THE SCORE

CHAPTER 1

Inside Track

CHAPTER 2

The Tip-offs

CHAPTER 3

Payoffs, Payouts,

and Bailouts

CHAPTER 4

Post Time

CHAPTER 5

Win, Place, or Show

PART TWO

RIDING THE

ROLLER COASTER

CHAPTER 6

Second Place

CHAPTER 7

Against All odds

PART THREE

A SURE

THING

CHAPTER 8

Moving Ahead

CHAPTER 9

Guide to Financial Survival

CHAPTER 10

Putting It on the Line

PART FOUR

RECOVERY

CHAPTER 11

The Gambler’s Recovery

CHAPTER 12

Common Issues in your Recovery

CHAPTER 13

Your Own Journey to Recovery

Afterword

The Gamblers Anonymous Questionnaire

For Further Information

For Further Reading

About the Authors

With much love

To my friends and family

Most of all Mike,

Michael and his family,

and Deborah and her family

LB

With love always

To my family

Past, Present, and Future

MES

Acknowledgments

Westchester Jewish Community Services, a nonsectarian not-for-profit family mental health agency, provided me with the clinical experience to write this book. I am extremely grateful to the entire staff and particularly thank Ron Gaudia, the former executive director. His vision and the special fund grants from UJA-Federation of New York made possible my work with gamblers and their families.

LB

As always, my colleagues in the Department of Social Work Services at the Mount Sinai Medical Center, and the Department of Community Medicine (Social Work) at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine provided encouragement and assistance. I especially thank Dr. Susan Blumenfield, Dr. Helen Rehr, and Dr. Gary Rosenberg.

MES

Many people shared their experiences and perceptions with us: some were gamblers; most were spouses, parents, siblings, or adult children of gamblers. Our social work colleagues and other mental health professional shared their personal and professional experiences. We are particularly indebted to those pioneers in the field of gambling, addictions, and recovery whose scholarly and clinical studies and observations inspired and educated us in our own work.

Jean Chasen-Falzon, former executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling was very helpful. Keith Whyte, the current executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG)was extremely helpful in preparing this new edition and we are particularly grateful to him for all he continues to do. Melissa Eckenrode of the NCPG staff was also very helpful. Judy Cornelius of the Institute for the Study of Gambling and Commercial Gaming was, as always, very helpful and supportive.

Toni Sciarra got us off on a great start, and Sheila Curry’s editing was immensely helpful. We thank them both.

Thank you to Susan Driscoll for her enthusiasm and Mary Carey for her ongoing help in a recent edition.

LB and MES

Addiction. Dependence characterized by chronicity, compulsiveness, and uncontrollable urges to use a substance or to perform an activity. The attempt to cut down, control, or stop the activity or use causes severe emotional, mental, and/or physiological reactions. Tolerance develops, prolonging or increasing use of the substance or performance of the activity. Addictions interfere with important social, occupational, or recreational activities.

Behind the 8-Ball. A colloquial expression, derived from pool, meaning a troubled situation from which it is difficult to extricate oneself.

Gamble. To risk money or something of value on the outcome of an unpredictable chance event or contest.

Gambler. A person who plays at games of chance for money or something of value; a person who takes chances on the outcome of a particular event.

Addictive Gambler. See Compulsive Gambler.

Compulsive Gambler. A person with an impulse disorder, who suffers from a chronic and progressive psychological disease that is often unrecognized because of its hidden nature. Also called Addictive or Pathological gambler.

Pathological Gambler. See Compulsive Gambler.

Problem Gambler. A person who invests considerable time and emotional energy in gambling or planning to do so, and who plays for stakes that are higher than he or she can afford. Problem gamblers may become compulsive gamblers, but some are able to stop or cut down on their gambling if circumstances warrant it.

Recreational Gambler. See Social Gambler.

Social Gambler. A person who gambles for a predetermined amount of time and with a fixed amount of money and is able to restrict gambling at any time.

Authors’ Note

With the exception of the references to Mary-Ellen Siegel’s own family and certain public figures, all the individuals discussed in this book are fictional. Although the authors have drawn on their clinical experiences in creating such fictional composites, any resemblance to a real person alive or dead is purely coincidental. To eliminate awkwardness of style, the masculine pronoun has been used when referring to the gambler, and the feminine pronoun has been used when referring to the spouse or to a person affected by the gambler’s behavior. However, as demonstrated in many examples in this book, a growing number of problem and compulsive gamblers are women, and many of those affected by gambling are men.

Foreword to the

2012 Edition

Since this book was first published there have been great strides in many areas of the problem gambling field. There are now over thirty state chapters of the National Council on Problem Gambling; over half of states have some sort of public funding for problem gambling services, myriad websites are available to provide help for problem gamblers, and research continues to provide clearer understanding of prevention, treatment and recovery. Advocates, led by the National Council on Problem Gambling, continue to press government and gaming (gambling) operators to develop a comprehensive set of policies and programs to minimize the harm from out-of-control gambling. However, the majority of these services continue to be oriented to the actual gambler. Family members and others closely associated with these gamblers still have few resources to help them understand and address the problems that arise.

For many years this book has remained the standard reference for family members of problem gamblers.

This is a testament to the practical advice herein, but also an indictment that for all the progress in the field, there remains little material to help those who are affected by the gambling problems of others. Currently there are an estimated six to nine million individuals who meet the criteria for a gambling problem, and we can conservatively assume that the consequences of this addiction are felt by many more millions of family members, friends, business associates and others. Ironically, the gamblers and others often believe that the gambling is just the symptom of a financial problem and fail to recognize that this behavior is indicative of a complex mental health issue. Money is abused, but it is generally a consequence, not a cause, of the gambling. Families are particularly hard hit by devastating financial losses, bankruptcy, criminal justice and mental health costs, neglect and divorce. Yet recognition of these important negative consequences on an individual, community and national level has not kept pace with the expansion of gambling in America. One reason is that gamblers have few outward or physical signs of their problem. The public, including some healthcare professionals, seem to believe that those who are out-of-control gamblers are different than those who abuse substances. However, recent research reveals the common pathways in the brain for these disorders.

In addition, many people view gambling through a moral or religious lens, limiting their sympathy for those who gamble, or are associated with gamblers. Family members of these gamblers often face personal and public stigma and shame, rather than sympathy. This perception, often caused or exacerbated by cultural influences may discourage them from seeking help. As a result, while problem gambling is preventable and treatable most problem gamblers do not seek or receive treatment, and even fewer family members seek or receive services.

Family concerns about gambling must include the growing phenomenon of youth gambling. Despite legal restrictions, those underage have little difficulty in finding an outlet for placing a bet. This is the first generation to grow up with unprecedented availability of high-stakes gambling, particularly on the internet. Kids are bombarded by the pervasive advertising of legalized gambling. Even though most adolescents who gamble seem to be able to do so without serious negative consequences, there are a small number that develop severe, life-threatening problems. The earlier the age of onset for gambling, the greater the risk for a gambling problem. In addition, adolescent gambling may be a gateway to other dangerous behaviors. Youth who gamble have higher rates of substance use and abuse, drunken driving, risky sexual activity, and other antisocial behaviors.

While it is true that many of those who gamble never develop a serious problem, if gambling is causing a problem for someone in your life, it is also causing a problem for you. Family members have an obligation to protect themselves from the consequences of a gambling problem and an opportunity to promote treatment and prevent relapse for the gambler in their life.

The resources in this book will help you to take action to address a gambling problem in your family. Behind the 8-Ball remains as important today as ever for all those who seek to recognize, understand and address the consequences of this bewildering and devastating disorder.

Keith Whyte

Executive Director

National Council on Problem Gambling

The views expressed in this foreword do not necessarily represent the opinion of the Board of Directors of the National Council on Problem Gambling.

Introduction

to the 2012 Edition

We are all gamblers of one kind or another. Sometimes we take an emotional or spiritual risk, like a leap of faith, or drive ourselves to the extent of our physical capacity. These kinds of risks can enhance and enrich our lives.

Games of chance in which money is at risk hold a special fascination for most of us. They offer fun, excitement, a change of pace, and an opportunity to try our luck at improving our lives. Each toss of the dice, blackjack hand, lottery ticket, bet on a sporting event, chance of calling out bingo or day at the casino can make you feel special and lucky. The list of ways to gamble is endless; cards, horse racing, office pools, mah-jongg, slot machines, illegal numbers, on the internet and with the financial markets.

Most of us gamble for excitement, escape, or simply in response to availability and seductive advertisements. For example, while shopping for party favors for their babies’ first birthday parties, two young mothers saw a sign announcing a huge lottery jackpot. They impulsively decided to buy a lottery ticket, combining the babies’ birthdates and their locker numbers from high school. They had fun filling in the numbers and forgot about the drawing date until one of them heard the result on television the following week. The two young women had become overnight multimillionaires!

While gambling can be fun and sometimes very profitable, some people become addicted to it, unable to stop gambling whether they are winning or losing.

When we first began to consider writing a book to help those who had been affected by someone who gambled too much there were a relatively limited number of ways to gamble. Sports betting, card playing, horse racing, a handful of casinos, local bingo parlors and the old numbers game were the major outlets for those who wished to gamble. Only the so-called sophisticated gambler bet on the stock-market, and gambling on the Internet was unknown. Most gamblers were men; women, teens and seniors still lagged behind.

The picture has changed radically in the ensuing years.

There has been an unprecedented proliferation of gambling opportunities in the United States and elsewhere. Multimillion dollar lotteries and video poker machines have become commonplace. Casinos worldwide have evolved into huge and extravagant resorts attracting vacationing families as well as those whose main objective is to gamble. Availability of gambling has developed throughout the nation and in countries that previously had few or no gambling centers.

Technology has enabled gambling to be present everywhere and at any time. The expansion of satellites and cable services allow viewers to watch sports events around the clock, seven days a week. Wireless systems bring betting lines as well as results directly and instantly to cell phones and similar devices. Internet gambling is flourishing despite the fact that in 2006 the United States Congress banned it. More recently Congress has considered legalizing and taxing internet gambling.

A large variety of sophisticated gambling websites with state of the art software has evolved worldwide. Many of them are multilingual and can cater to tens of thousands of players simultaneously. There are also websites that offer live remote wagering for those who wish to gamble alone. Virtual gambling has become more realistic than in the early years of internet gambling. Funds for gambling are more quickly available with the integration of electronic cash transfer systems. These accounts provide convenience, privacy and for some, a distorted sense that these funds are not real money. Since computers are an integral part of home and work, there is an increase in the number of people who are encouraged to gamble.

There is no single explanation that accounts for the increase in gambling. A change in social attitudes seems to have paved the way: gambling and other behaviors, once viewed as vices, are not as seriously judged or condemned as they once were.

In many cultures, the general social climate has moved in the direction of permissiveness, less moral restriction, and according to some experts, a philosophy of life based on entitlement and immediate gratification.

Not surprisingly, economics have also played a major role. Many governments have legalized and promoted gambling in hopes of gaining revenue, producing jobs and helping disadvantaged communities. Recognizing the universal appeal of gambling, private industries’ investments in casinos have realized exceptional profits.

Today gambling is more likely to be referred to as gaming. It has blended into notions of entertainment and is generally perceived as an integral part of recreational life. This means that the gambler is no longer restricted to a backroom somewhere.

The factory worker, the single mother, the retiree on a fixed income, the college student, the professional, and the high rolling executive can all feel comfortable in gambling settings. The sophisticated marketing techniques utilized by the gaming industry ensure that no group of people feel excluded. Often specific cultural groups are targeted and wooed by casinos.

The ways that the average person invests have also changed since this book was first published. People can play the financial markets and invest their own funds without reliance on professionals or traditional financial institutions. Advertising, television programming and print media substantially popularized stock market trading. The internet has made participating easier, more inviting and less intimidating. It also affords privacy.

Anyone can research stocks and then with just a few clicks and keystrokes complete a trade. The widespread use of electronic based bank accounts makes buying and selling fast, convenient and painless. As day traders have become more numerous, a growing number of them can easily become reckless, buying and selling with abandon, driven by emotions rather than financial discipline.

Even highly acclaimed professionals are not immune from confusing gambling with investing and speculation. The recent recession which is considered the severest financial setback since the great depression of the 1930’s is a dramatic illustration. The crisis resulted in the bankruptcy of longstanding, well respected institutions and extreme volatility in the world economy. Recovery may be slower than desired.

A report by a United States federal panel concluded that this crisis was an avoidable disaster and caused by failures in government regulation, corporate mismanagement and heedless risk-taking by Wall Street. It is widely believed that investors, borrowers and lenders were seduced by the rise of prices and the ease of wealth creation. This supported a mentality of higher expectation, entitlement and risk tolerance. Greediness, illusionary thinking and self justification eroded judgment and discipline. In gambling parlance, the financial industry and a good part of the general public got caught up in the action. They ignored the old adage if it is too good to be true… in favor of joining in on the unrealistic exuberance and the euphoria that accompanied it.

History tells us that financial setbacks or bubbles will be repeated in the future despite the harsh consequences to many who lost homes, careers and dreams. The cyclical nature of financial life seems to be primarily influenced by emotional needs rather than reason and common sense. There are striking parallels between this social phenomena and what you will learn about the out-of- control gambler.

However, the financial gambler/investor is not always perceived by the public to be similar to traditional gamblers (sports bettors, poker players, etc.) so until recently there had been is little or no stigma attached to those who invest wildly and recklessly. They may even be seen as role models, embodying the spirit of entrepreneurship.

Investing remains a very important part of financial life for everyone. If done well it can create opportunities and advantages for those who would not ordinarily have them. We hope that the awareness and self reflection brought on by the recent recession enables the public to be investors with greater consciousness and to be more sympathetic to the disordered gamblers and those they affect.

It is no wonder that given the social climate in recent years, the increased opportunities to gamble and the greater numbers of people of all ages, economic circumstances and cultures are now gambling with greater frequency. Most people impose limits on themselves, but others lose control while seeking magical results and emotional highs, escape from boredom or other problems in their lives. Both those who gamble for the high, and those who gamble for escape, can become hooked. Eventually they will have to deal with the consequences that accompany being a problem or compulsive/addicted gambler.

Despite the growing numbers of out-of-control gamblers, and the levels of greater debts, there is still insufficient attention paid to this social problem. The financial support of the gaming industry has been instrumental in a significant increase in research, but government support and resources dealing with these problems remain scarce and inadequate. While gambling addiction still remains in the shadows of the other addictions, we have been encouraged by public educational efforts. The responsible gambling warnings by governmental agencies and private industries are often undermined by accompanying aggressive promotion of gambling.

There are hopeful signs of progress: mental health professionals have now become more skilled in recognizing and treating this disorder, and more attention is being paid to the development of school-based prevention curricula. We urge that future programs will meet the needs of more women, adolescents and the elderly, all of whom continue to join the ranks of the traditional male out-of-control gamblers. It is also important that public education efforts successfully address some of the challenging cultural diversity issues and enable these groups to overcome any deep sense of shame that prevents them from seeking or accepting help.

The sad fact is that even with many positive changes, many people continue to be confused, or have misguided beliefs so they often minimize the misery and tragedies associated with gambling too much. At times the public’s perception changes, but only temporarily when they become aware of celebrities who have been unknowingly victimized through their association with a gambler, or they themselves have gambled too much.

A prime illustration of the havoc that gambling can create is baseball’s superstar Pete Rose who gambled excessively and was ultimately convicted of tax evasion and sentenced to prison. The public focus has mostly been on the negative impact on his career achievements with little attention given to the consequences to his family and friendships.

We wrote Behind the 8-Ball to address this general oversight and to set things straight about the lives of gamblers and those associated with them. And, especially, to provide optimistic and practical advice about what can be done.

If someone in your life has a gambling problem, you may be in more trouble than you realize. You know what he or she is like in your gut, even if you can’t sort it all out. You know that you feel trapped, betrayed, and helpless and that your life is unmanageable. You feel that you’re in a difficult situation, "behind the 8-ball," and sometimes life looks totally hopeless. You know that you need to learn a way to survive and reclaim your life, but it seems like an insurmountable task.

This book is a guide to your financial, legal and emotional freedom and reclaiming your life.

In it you will learn:

•   How to identify the problem and compulsive gambler and realistically assess the financial and emotional damage he or she is causing the family.

•   Why some people lose control of their gambling.

•   How to survive, emotionally and financially, when you are involved with a gambler.

•   Why you can’t control someone else’s gambling.

•   How to encourage the gambler to seek help.

•   How to get your relationship back on track if your gambler gets help.

•   How, when all efforts to urge the gambler to rehabilitate have failed, to disengage or detach yourself from the gambler.

•   How to rebuild your life after you have been involved with a gambler.

If you are a mental health professional or educator who is reading this book, we hope it will help you to identify gamblers, and those affected by gambling so that they can find the help they need.

If you find yourself behind the 8-ball, in a troubled situation from which you are having difficulty in extricating yourself, we have confidence that when you read this book, you, like so many other readers, will find yourself empowered with knowledge and strength to come out from behind the 8-ball.

We have been able to help others and we have been able to help ourselves.

LINDA’S STORY

Rosalyn D. would often say to me, I either wear all my jewelry or carry it in my purse.

She simply couldn’t trust her gold necklace, bracelet, watch and pearls at home with her husband.

This extraordinary statement marked the beginning of my education about what it is like for people who live with someone who gambles too much.

Rosalyn first came to see me in 1979. I had just earned my master’s degree in social work and had joined the staff of a large family mental health agency in Westchester County, New York. Before graduate school, I had worked for several years in an inner-city alcohol and drug prevention program, conducting and teaching group counseling.

In those years, the public had just begun to recognize that no income group or community was immune to drug problems. The recovery movement as we know it today was in its infancy, but gaining momentum. Compulsive gambling, however, continued to be largely overlooked, even though it had been officially recognized by the mental health profession as a psychological disorder.

By the time Rosalyn came to me for therapy, her life was in ruins and she blamed it on her husband’s gambling. I was immediately struck by Rosalyn’s rage and bitterness. She reminded me of other patients who had been either cruelly exploited or abused by those close to them. Like those women, Rosalyn felt deeply betrayed.

In addition to Rosalyn’s frazzled and angry, yet passive, demeanor (the result of having lived with someone who had gambled away their money and self-respect), she was troubled by her sixteen-year-old daughter, Stacy. Stacy was talking about dropping out of school. Rosalyn suspected that Stacy, whom she described as obese and unattractive because she had let herself go, was using drugs and drinking, influenced, Rosalyn felt, by her nineteen-year-old born loser boyfriend.

Problems with Stacy brought Rosalyn to my office. I can’t expect my husband to be helpful or cooperative, she said. He just takes the easy way out of everything, indulging and spoiling Stacy, as if he were a fond uncle rather than a parent. I’m so exhausted from trying to get him to act like a grown-up father that I feel ready to throw in the towel myself.

Rosalyn described herself as having changed during her marriage of twenty-three years from a lighthearted, fun-loving, attractive woman to a lonely shrew. Occasional sleep problems had become full-blown insomnia, and she was beginning to rely on pills to fall asleep.

I’m beginning to sound and look a lot like my mother, she said one day. Rosalyn’s parents fought a lot over her father’s stinginess with the family and his frequent drinking binges and absences from home. He was a womanizer, and there was always someone else in his life. But he also had many good qualities that Rosalyn liked; he would take Rosalyn and her siblings to ball games and have fun with them, and he could be very warm and loving. Often Rosalyn thought that her mother’s shrew-like behavior had driven her father out of the house and to drinking and other women.

When Rosalyn married Joel, she thought her life was going to be very different from her mother’s. Joel was funny and lovable like her father, but he also was unlike him: Joel never drank and was generous and totally devoted to Rosalyn. She thought he would make an ideal husband and father. Indeed, the first few years with him more than met her expectations. He became a teacher in the