Sex After Divorce: Been There Done That & Had the Orgasm to Prove It

By CHASITY CHANDLER, JACKIE SMITH JR and LAQUISTA ERINNA

It’s time to break the stigma attached to divorce! We have come together to share that we have not only survived divorced, we are thriving!! In today’s society many remain in marriages, engagements, and long term committed relationships unhappy. They are unable to communicate, are no longer connected intimately, emotionally withdrawn

• Language: English
• Publisher: SheBoss Coaching & Consulting
• Release date: Sep 21, 2019
• ISBN: 9781734087017

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Sex AFTER DIVORCE

Been There, Done That &

Had The Orgasm To Prove It!

A Compilation By

Chasity Chandler, LMHC, MCAP, ICADC, CST, CDWF

Foreword By Lynette Medley M.Ed

Copyright © 2019 by Chasity Chandler

All Rights Reserved. This book is protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America. This book may not be copied or reprinted for commercial gain or profit. Use of short quotations or occasional page copying for personal study is permitted and encouraged.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the author.

Published by SheBoss Coaching & Consulting, LLC

Edited by Tamika Sims of Get Write with Tamika™

Cover Design & Interior Formatting by Allison Denise

of Brand It Beautifully™

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all those who have

endured divorce(s) and separation after long term committed relationships.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my eight co-authors for being courageous enough to share your stories, believing in my vision and being a part of this project. To my business bestie, Chautè Thompson for her unwavering support and our wine down Wednesday sessions. To my business coach Dr. Tanisha Sapp for always checking me and keeping me in line. To my sexuality mentor Lynette Medley who continues to uplift and encourage me. Thank you for writing the foreword.

To my sister Tashika Moore for being the only sibling I have in the world but keeping it real even when it hurts. I love you to the moon and back and I’m proud of all you’re accomplishing. Keep at it!

To my three amazing, quirky, fun loving, outspoken, intelligent and curious children, may I continue to grow and evolve into a mother that you can be proud of. Thank you loving me when I needed it the most and allowing me to be authentically me. Building this legacy with you in mind makes all this hard-work, sleepless nights and sacrifices worth it. I love you more than life itself.

To the men that have been a part of my life since the journey of separation and divorce, thank you for ALL you put me through. It birthed this vision and need to share this journey with the world.

To the following people for simply being them: Dr. Lexx James, Lisa Savage Phillips, Renelle E. Nelson, and Dr. LaDonna Butler. To any others who have made an impact in my life or supported me in public and in private, I thank you as well.

Thank you,

Chasity

Table of Contents

FOREWORD 9

BY LYNETTE MEDLEY M.ED

LOVE, SEX & ALL THE BULLSHIT IN BETWEEN 15

BY CHASITY CHANDLER, LMHC, MCAP, ICADC, CST, CDWF

THE EXODUS 31

BY JACKIE SMITH JR

WHEN I USE MY TONGUE, YOU KNOW IT’S REAL 43

BY DR. LAQUISTA ERINNA, DBH, LCSW

SHAME BE DAMNED 55

BY EMPRESS MARA MONIQUE

WHEN TRUST HAS BEEN TRAMPLED 67

BY STEPHAN IDRIS MAMBAZO

SHE STILL GOT IT 81

BY TIARA WATFORD

RHODE’ TO DISCOVERY 91

BY TYSHICA RHODES, LCSW

SEX AND INTIMACY AFTER DIVORCE 103

BY VICTORIA RANSBURG

PLAYING MY OWN GAME 117

BY YASHEKA FOSTER

THE AFTER PLAY 127

BY CHASITY CHANDLER, LMHC, MCAP, ICADC, CST, CDWF

MEET THE AUTHORS 133

CHASITY CHANDLER

JACKIE SMITH, JR.

DR. LAQUISTA ERINNA

MARA MONIQUE

STEPHAN IDRIS MAMBAZO

TIARA WATFORD

TYSHICA RHODES

VICTORIA RANSBURG

YASHEKA FOSTER

FOREWORD

By Lynette Medley M.ED

Sex After Divorce sets the thematic stage for these phenomenal men and women to each construct a riveting scene that draws you in as they vividly recall each act in their lives from love to infatuation, exclusivity to infidelity, truth to deception and sexual inhibitions to freedom. The depth of intimacy gives a vivid portrayal of the challenges faced with integrating sex into the equation after divorce. Their openness and candidness draws you in further and further with each page turned as each person carefully provides a visual perspective of their carefully choreographed sex after divorce survival performance. This overall theme is an oxymoron to many, as divorce is the dissolution of a marriage from a court or legal entity or breakup from something separating but in our society sex is only permissible in marriage.

We as individuals yearn to be connected and receive some sort of acceptance from others. We somehow only feel as if we matter, measure up or are enough in the confines of the approval and attachment to another, whether it be a healthy connection which feeds us the necessary nutrients to live, grow and thrive, or an unhealthy connection, which deprives us from anything vital to our survival and slowly and meticulously disconnects us from our very existence, eventually killing our perception of self, which happens all too often. Sadly, this coincides with the misogynistic ideas of suppression and rejection of the female body in general as an important part of the spiritual or relational hierarchy, thusly diminishing the value, or need, to address these alarming disparities. These facts coupled with societal views of sex and the woman’s nonexistent role as a sexual being, which is due to the stigmatized mindsets of many religious entities that believe certain conversations should not be addressed or mentioned at all, even in premarital or couples counseling.

The misconceptions about sexuality and acknowledging it as a normal, positive experience within the parameters of mutual consent are completely overlooked as well as the total omission of pleasure from the conversation. Unfortunately, it’s more acceptable to focus on the risks and harms by sex shaming people into hopefully not even thinking about it or experiencing it...which we all know is erroneous.

True learning actually takes place when realistic and relational information is presented so people can be engaged and involved in the process. A comprehensive intersection of spirituality and sexuality is needed or our marriages and relationships will continue to be unfulfilling and unhealthy. Sex and marriage seemingly coexist as a harmonious union, but in reality they are polar opposites, as one does not instinctively belong to the next. Disjointed societal views and perspectives persuade us to believe this notion to be truthful thus creating unrealistic expectations. Leaving many laying their underwhelmed while they happily engage in their ritualistic and mechanical sex acts giving off a ceremonious groan here and there to boost their confidence.

As a woman ....

The difficulty lies in the perceptions of self after the divorce. Many feel insecure and have damaged egos, lack confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Their journey consists of feverishly seeking instantaneous validation. I caution you to slowly and carefully navigate this journey of self-exploration and identify who we are outside of the realm of marriage. What are your wants, needs and desires. It’s imperative to create a compliance plan for yourself by setting standards and boundaries. Pleasure is usually attained from an outside force, be it a person place or thing, that’s not permanently connected to us thus temporary. Learning to set appropriate expectations for ourselves and be suffice without losing out on pleasure but relish in the freedom and fluidity of embracing our inner joy. A glorious feeling that somehow once seemed unattainable is now in your grasp.

No More Secrets Mind Body Spirit Inc. was painstakingly conceived and birthed out of fear misery and pain. I was in some of the lowest moments of my life; all I could see was darkness the concept of light was never an option. I had endured two failed marriages at this point, both for different reasons but nonetheless they significantly impacted my ability to see.

The Darkness I’m speaking of was my inability to open my eyes and actually see me, my worth, and my existence. Each broken marriage forced