Thank Me Later

By Mikel B.

Thank Me Later was birthed out of necessity. In order to dig herself out of a deep, dark state of depression, Mikel B. had to find a way to turn her darkness into marvelous light. Laughter was that light. Through a comedic transformation, Mikel transforms herself into a superhero named The Petty Assassin who saves the world from her inner petty,

• Language: English
• Publisher: Empower Enterprises
• Release date: Mar 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781792306327

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Empower Enterprises

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or by any information storage system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

www.thepettyassassin.com

First Edition

Empower Enterprises

PO Box 3514

Bethlehem, PA 18017

Cover art design by Francisco Pereira KNOD Designs Inside art design by Nova Bundy a.k.a SimplyNovology.

Publishing consulting by ELOHAI International Publishing & Media: www.ElohaiIntl.com.

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-7923-0632-7

Published in the United States of America



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DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my three reasons, my crumb snatchers, my tax deductions, and my loves: Sai, Jules, and Bug; you are the reasons I am still living. You three are my push, my drive, and my purpose. God blessed me with you because He knew exactly what I needed.

It is my heartfelt prayer that you have learned and grown from every single sacrifice I have ever made. I protected you from my hurt and pain so that you could become the best versions of yourselves without attaching my mess to your greatness. I love you. I believe in you, and I’ll forever have your backs.

You are literally my lifesavers, and for that, this book is for you!

THANK Y’ALL!

Thank you to everyone, especially God! He showed me my purpose and gave me the strength I needed to walk in it. He blessed me with my own personal fairy godmother. She is my secret angel right here on earth. I owe her the world. He also blessed me with an amazing mom and dad. I was created with the most extreme traits of each of my parents and they still decided to love me unconditionally. They are the reason I exist, so take up any issues about me, with them. My parents and my brother are a piece of my EVERYTHING.

Just know that if you played a part in this very special project, I am so humbly grateful for your support and assistance. If you’re not sure if you played a part in helping me to create this book, don’t rack your brain. I’m pretty sure you did nothing at all to contribute.

Last but certainly not least, to the man called Husband, thanks for everything a billion times over! Thank you for being you. Your love means the world to me and I am who I am because you’ve allowed me to be me. You accept me daily with all of my flaws and broken filter. You’re the greatest dad a mom could ever ask for as a partner in crime. God knew the crumb snatchers would need balanced and rational parental units; you are that balance. I love you!

Foreword

Though she has done it for years offline, in this work, Mikel enlightens us with her sharp—and timely—approach to life, business, and all things related to becoming our best selves. Due to her town and gown writing style, Mikel’s approach appeals to men and women of all ages—from the academic to the blue collar. Effective communication involves sending and receiving. Through her writing, she manages to do both. Having a personal and professional history of helping others and their brands, this text leaves us wanting more of EVERYTHING! Mikel shares the musings of her days and times. This includes but is not limited to being a super mom and wife, existing as a bastion of tasteful shade and highbrow humor, and health and fitness goals. Essentially, Mikel is a walking goals meme. She reminds us that it is ok to have a good day. However, when the bad day occurs, she slays it in the same manner she slays each obstacle. She shares the quintessential Black Girl Magic formula. However, if you are not paying attention, you will be swept away in the details of her entertaining narrative. One can identify the awareness of significant moments that we all experience. However, not everyone can give an account in the manner that Mikel does. In an era where people become Instagram famous and trade social capital like stocks, it is refreshing to read a work of relatable substance. Mikel’s tales are as authentic as they are engaging. Thank Me Later is a cornucopia of what KRS-1 describes as edutainment.

If you have ever looked forward to a class or a television series, get you a text that can do both. Mikel channels her inner chi to manifest a work that does all of the above.

- Jemayne Lavar King Owner/Sole Food Brand LLC Change Agent

Contents

I. WORKPLACE SHENANIGANS

Intro: The Plunge

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes—What are Those?

Tongue Tied

STDs oh STDs. Your STDs are Affecting Me

Hands in the Air. Hands in the Air. page9image4424.png

Pop Goes the Weasel page9image4424.png

Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me Come In

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Ewww Fish page9image4424.png

Pacifier, Pacifier. Baby wants a Pacifier.

__________________ is No Longer Employed Here!

You MAID a Mistake

Hush Little Baby

It’s Not Me Actually, It’s You!

Did I Do That?

Poops, She Did It Again!

You can Die, as Long as You Tried

Flip-Flops are Not Just For Feet

Daylight Saves Who Time?

II. LIFESTYLE SHENANIGANS

Say My Name, Say My Name

The Color Green

You Lied to Me Through Your Vagina!

Tom and Jerry

I’m a Tractor Trailer, I’m Convinced!

Window Seat

Personal Space

Today I’m a Vegetarian. For Real, For Real!

Duck, Duck Goose

The gods are Coming to Get You

Can You Hear Me Now?

I’m a Vegetarian Again

Please, Tell Me About Myself!

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Who?  page9image4424.png  page9image20320.png

I’m About that Life

The Shoes Need a Ticket and The Lady Took My Hair

GOAL!  page9image4424.png  page9image4424.png

Home Fries

Slow and Steady Wins NO Race

The Big Bad Student Athlete and His Lil’ Ole Granny

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up

Snoring Sammy

Swiper, NO Swiping

Wing Dings. Wing Dings.

If You’re Horny, Let’s Do It!

The 3 Stooges

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire (LLPOF)

Open for Business, or Not!

Teach Me How to Dougie

Twerk Master

III. FAMILY SHENANIGANS

Soccer Mom on Fleek 

I Didn’t Want Him 

I Need Time to Marinate

The Lesson Gift

Walk with Me

Name, Sex

The Veggie Tales

My Last Petty Play Day

Side Chick, Side Chick, Wherefore Art Thou?

Lean On Me

The Day I Love You Killed Me

Can You Do Me a Favor?

Parents, Do Better!

Crumb Snatchers Gone Wild

My Neck, My Back

Vaginal Deposits

All I Wanted to Do Was Dye

Dollar, Dollar, Bills Y’all!!

There is NOTHING to eat

Outro

The Happy Dance 

Glossary

INTRO

The Plunge

A few years ago, I took the big plunge. I got to throw (place) my letter of resignation on my supervisor’s desk and say deuces (thank you for the opportunity to work here). I gave myself two weeks to clean up my desk, which had nothing personal on it. In this two-week timeframe, I tapped out mentally. I told upper management what I really thought about them and their changes (well, I’ve always done this; I was the rebel who was never fired because I was cold, but smiley-faced). For two entire weeks, I drove myself crazy. I wanted to hang up on callers, ‘cuss out co-workers; I wanted to scream to the nations that I was leaving. I was leaving and everyone was happy and proud, but I was scared of the unknown. I was excited to begin a new chapter in my life, but I was terrified of what was around the corner for me. When I turned the corner, would I fall flat on my face, would I slide on someone’s poop (Hey, that really happened at our office, so it was highly likely!)? What would become of me? I knew that I had to leave; it was my time to go. This next chapter of my life would rewrite and redefine everything I ever thought about myself. In this new life, I would either sink or swim.

The day of my big plunge finally came. As I walked down the staircase and out the door, I smiled. (I was terrified, but I smiled.) I cried in my truck and was scared to place the gear in reverse, but it was time to go. Sometimes in life, we must do what we have to do to get where we want to be. February 5, 2016 was that day for me. I did what I had to do to get to where I wanted to be. By the time you finish reading this book, let’s pray that I’ve made it to the place that I so badly wanted to be.

This book was written out of necessity. I needed to live. For a two-year time span,