Are You Compatible or Fu*ked?: Every Relationship Compatibility Question You Need to Ask and Answer

By Andre Phillip

The love paradigm of relationships has run its course; it's obsolete. Our parents stayed together from a sense of duty. Their parents coupled from need. We chose infatuation and love.  Love no longer preserves relationships if you're not compatible. The book explores how and why relationships fail. Traditionally we've relie

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andre Phillip
• Release date: Apr 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781733703802

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Relationship Compatibility Extreme Challenge

Are you compatible?

Relationship compatibility is everything. More than love, more than communication, more than money, more than education; if you go into a relationship where you are not intellectually, emotionally, sexually and attachment-style compatible, the relationship will fail.

Do you truly know this person you’re dating or are married to? Do you really know how they think? Do you actually understand their feelings? Do you know how they may react in crisis?

Are you compatible? turns out to be the most pivotally important question we never ask. Do the two of you have what it takes to last six months, one year, three years, or even ten years together? Do you have what it takes to commit your time, energy, trust and hope for the future? Or are you poised to see your entire emotional investment evaporate in disappointment and loss?

At some point you must ask yourself; Am I intellectually, emotionally and sexually well matched to thrive in this relationship?

Respond to 52 Questions which test your relationship compatibility with anyone. These are the questions you never dared to ask. You never dared to ask a partner, you never thought to ask yourself; though these are the most important questions which decide the fate of your relationship.

Discuss and discover critical elements which shape your relationship. Find your voice. Find your sovereign voice; confident, informed, poised and equitable; then invite your partner in discovery. Learn to be introspective. Explore what you’d think, how you’d feel and how you would react when it really matters.

Take the Challenge. Invite your partner. It may be one of the more difficult but most rewarding conversations you’ll ever have.

WHY

Committing to a relationship before we’re sure we are compatible is one of the most detrimental mistakes we all make. Yet we repeat the same mistake over and over.

With new relationships we rely on feelings over thinking. When we’re infatuated we believe we can make it work. We go with our feelings, cross our fingers and hope for the best. We ask more questions of a used car salesman than we do of a potential life partner.

Having the compatibility conversation though not a magic fix, will afford you deeper insight into whether there is a foundation to build on. Address the questions yourself; then invite your partner or potential partner to share.

Have the conversation.

Preamble

Without being plagiaristic, several years ago I encountered the 36 Question process to falling in love developed by social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University in New York. Though finding it interesting, the concept rang unrealistic – a very good exercise for eliciting insightful information though not rigorous enough to determine life long relationship happiness. I favor the notion of falling in love and was attracted to the idea of being able to manufacture the outcome. Even more, I believe in long, strong, engaging, compatible and passionate relationships. For several years I paid attention reading updates and watching the couple’s videos on-line however couldn’t find any tangible statistical information indicating that the ritual sharing of 39 Questions truly works.

Disintegrating relationships and the problems encountered because of incompatibility require us to examine our personal disparity more rigorously; interacting with honesty, deep communication and disciplined introspection.

With the Relationship Compatibility Challenge there are no right or wrong answers. The questions are designed to encourage deliberate, in-depth, well considered responses. As adults we should all find our voice being willing to address important aspects of our relationship. An articulate, intelligent partner should be able to offer more than monosyllabic responses. It’s important that you both have insight not only to what you think but also how you may have cultivated your opinions. It’s not at all important that you agree on everything. It’s pivotally important that you’re able to articulate your thoughts and feelings – respectfully and empathetically.

The Challenge is Hard

It’s not designed to be a feel good, cotton candy (saccharine), happily ever after exercise. It’s fashioned to explore a depth of communication, honesty, introspection, and directness to help determine whether two people are well matched for a continuously fulfilling and engaging long term relationship punctuated by a passionate sex life. It’s designed to uncover If you think and how you think about a range of sexual and life elements. Are we introspective? Can we think independently and communicate non-judgmentally? Can we elevate our thinking and discussion about elements pivotally important to successful relationships? If you can’t get through an engaging conversation with a potential relationship partner you should think twice about being in the relationship at all.

In new relationships we do our best to be likable while avoiding any questions or discussions which may seem confronting. We want to be loved.

We all want a wonderful relationship. We all deserve a brilliant happily-ever-after. It’s your life and your happiness and you should take every measure to enjoy and live it well.

The Rules:

(A). Begin by looking to your partner and offering the promise:

I will respond to each question honestly, sharing my depth of understanding and feeling on my position and how I’ve come to my opinion. I will keep an open mind and do my utmost to not be judgmental. I will not communicate information simply because I believe it’s expected of me.

(B). As a symbol of commitment to sincere communication partners should clasp hands for several seconds.

(C). The conversation should take place sitting upright preferably at table with each having access to refreshment of choice; coffee, tea, wine, water and snacks. Cell phone ringer off and phones face down. You are allowed to Google information if needed. Pen and paper is recommended for notes. LISTEN – Don’t interrupt a partner while thinking or talking. Be a good listener. Listen empathetically not judgmentally. Set aside a block of time with pauses or address the questions in two or three sittings or even as a-question-a-day. The questions often require more than one minute answers however don’t make stuff up just to sound good. The truth will eventually show up. It should be a long interesting insightful conversation.

(D). Answer all questions alternating being first to answer each.

(E). After responding to all questions you may want to reiterate to each other what insights you may have gained and sincerely communicate how you truly believe your relationship might proceed.

Now, go.

List of Questions:

These are real life questions. These are not easy or frivolous questions. They are purposefully challenging. They are confronting. They are questions which require forethought and reflection. These are exactly the sorts of issues which are seldom discussed but present our biggest upsets in relationships. They cover matters which very often destroy relationships not having been considered or comfortably discussed up front.

The purpose of the questions is not solely to expose your thinking to a partner but also to articulate your inner self to yourself from the perspective of thinking, feeling and the actions you may take.

Some questions may seem obscure and some too direct and confronting, however, they’re designed to elicit deep thinking and communication. Though only stated in some places, we should examine all questions from an intellectual, emotional and action perspective; What Would You Think, How Would You Feel, and What Would You Do?

The questions are arranged deliberately to alternate between neutral and sexual in order to avoid escalating sexual sentiment and present a balanced but deep personal perspective. Respond in any way you wish after contemplating the question; understanding there are no perfect or correct answers. It’s you communicating at your most honest. It’s you uncovering some in-depth information about yourself and a partner. It’s your primary opportunity to consider; Are you compatible?

Flip a coin and start.

Q1. Imperious, belligerent, whining, emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive and overbearing are not great communication styles. Have you found your sovereign voice – Fair, equitable, informed, poised and confident – with which to communicate in relationship?

Q2. This might seem obtuse, but why do you believe you should be in a relationship?

Q3. Define and discuss the concept of Trust? First your idea, then the general concept, then trust based on expectation.

Q4. Describe the feeling of being lonely. Offer your best opinion on the difference between being alone and being lonely. How do you navigate either condition?

Q5. What do you consider to be the difference between making love and having sex? How did you learn about sex?

Q6. What book made the biggest impression on you? Why?

Q7. Are you introspective?

What do you think most about?

Q8. How has your family life growing up shaped your outlook on relationships?

Q9. Smart phones are excellent for making and receiving calls. What are three other ways you use your phone? Can phones interfere with relationships?

Q10. Choosing between recessive, reactive and proactive; what would you say is your dominant sex style? Why? Are you sexually conservative or sexually adventurous? Discuss.

Q11. We all presume monogamy in relationships. What does monogamy mean to you? Why do you require it? And what constitutes cheating?

Q12. Discuss Truth; how it applies to you, your expectations of your partner and how it affects relationships.

Q13. Of Adam and Eve – what do you know? What do you think? (Google if needed)

Q14. You can have a long discussion with anyone in the world – alive or dead; who would it be and what would you want to discuss?

Q15. Are you at all responsible for your partner’s sexual edification and behavior? Explain. If yes, what do you do about it? If no, why not?

Q16. How are your sexual choices defined by conventional morality, socialization and or religion? Or are they introspectively determined? Explain.

Q17. Family, friends, business and alumni form networks – what do personal networks mean to you? How do you leverage them? What do you contribute?

Q18. What would you say to sex role-play as a furry?

Q19. Other than your job or your relationship what are you deeply interested in?

Q20. Comment on same-sex sex and SWOP (sex with other people) generally or within your relationship.

Q21. What is living for?

Q22. What two sexual items and two non-sexual items do you consider relationship deal breakers?

Q23. Does the term Life’s work mean anything?

Q24. What three things are you sexually curious about but never got to or didn’t dare to try? (be open, be ridiculous).

Q25. Who are you?

What defines you? What limits you? What are your three pivotal principals and how did you come by them?

Q26. While in a relationship with someone who assumed you were monogamous, have you had sex with someone else? Why? Why not?

Q27. Expound on the statement: In a relationship, keeping secrets from a partner is….?

Q28. Is sex interesting? How so or how not?

Q29. Lies come in several flavors; lies of omission, lies of deception, white lies, deliberate lies of preconception. Do you lie? Discuss!

Q30. If your relationship doesn’t work out, how would you ensure your partner’s exit with respect and dignity?

Q31. Has anyone ever cheated on you or been utterly unfair to you; sexually or otherwise? What did you think? How did you feel? What did you do?

Q32. Can you tell me two useful things that I don’t already know?

Q33. You come home early; your partner is in bed with someone else. What would you think? How would you feel? What would you do?

Q34. Would you say your parents properly prepared you for a successful life; with both a long term, short term and quality of life perspective? What would you have done differently?

Q35. Many men are found guilty of sexual harassment or assault. Several women are discovered to be having sex with minors. Should you have an inkling of your partner’s potential deviant propensity? How should you address it?

Q36. On a scale of 1 – 5 how racist are you? Are your racist views nature, nurture or experience based?

Q37. Emotional monogamy and physical monogamy – are they inseparable or can they be successfully decoupled and still maintain a vibrant relationship?

Q38. Are you ready to die? If no, what do you feel you must accomplish before you’re ready?

Q39. You become permanently physically or mentally unable or unwilling to have sex. What are your expectations of your partner?

Q40. Nurturing a platform for honest communication is a mutual responsibility. I may be partially responsible if my partner is occasionally deceptive or lies. Comment!

Q41. Evolution or Creation? Why?

Q42. Talk about love. What is it? How does it come about? Who owns it? Who is responsible?

Q43. Let’s discuss respect in relationships; respect for self, respect for partner, respect of privacy, granted respect, earned respect. In your opinion how do love and respect relate?

Q44. Where would you imagine your committed relationship to be after 3, 5, and 10 years? What part will you play in getting there?

Q45. Are you interesting?

What is your personality type? How does it relate to your partner’s?

Q46. Relationships are fraught with disappointment. Partners may disappoint emotionally, intellectually, sexually, financially or in domestic participation. How do you process and address disappointment?

Q47. You suspect your partner has a lover. What do you think? How do you feel? What do you do?

Q48. How would you describe your relationship attachment style (Google for a clear definition)? How does it differ from or compliment your partner’s?

Q49. Your partner expressed desire for fantasy experiences which you are unwilling to accommodate such as a dominatrix experience, same-sex sex or golden showers. Is she or he allowed to seek the experience outside of the relationship? What do you think? How do you feel? What would you do?

Q50. If invited into a relationship; generally, intellectually, financially, sexually and emotionally what do you bring to the party?

Q51. What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten from anyone?

Q52. Share with you partner – what do you require from your relationship; developmentally, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, and financially.

Is there one important item not already discussed which you want to ask your partner?

Conclusion:

How do you feel about yourself now? How do you feel about your partner? Can you imagine a happily-ever-after OR do you have reservations? Be honest, they’ll respect you for it. You will respect yourself and transition from infatuation to relationship on a much stronger platform.

This probably was a difficult and awkward discussion. Most of us aren’t used to addressing these sorts of questions or thoughts.

Share what you’ve learned, how you feel and what you think you’re doing. The goal is to allow your intelligent self to have precedence over your infatuated emotional quivering, helping you draw intellectual opinions regarding a relationship which may be well matched and last a lifetime.

If you both sincerely engaged in the conversation you should be in a better intellectual position to draw an informed conclusion regarding the long term potential of an honest relationship whether it be friend, acquaintance, lover or partner. You should be in a better position to encourage honest and open communication going forward.

Give it some time and thinking before engaging feelings. Relationships can often determine everything else which affects your life. A great relationship can define a wonderful life; a bad relationship can destroy you.

We all should take it seriously. We all should examine our thinking; what we bring to a relationship; what we require from a relationship. We all should ask ourselves; Am I relationship ready?

Let’s hope for long, honest, happy relationships.

CHAPTER 2

RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY

Relationship compatibility is complicated.

For centuries we’ve been assured that love is everything. Obviously that’s not true since for centuries millions of relationships based on love end in failure. Not that love was absent but because other essential aspects of the relationship were missing or unaligned. When we examine relationships more closely we come to find that for a successful relationship, compatibility is key.

Millions of examples demonstrate that if you and a partner are not intellectually, emotionally, sexually and attachment-style compatible your relationship won’t work. You might last for a while, high on fumes of infatuation, however once the mist clears the relationship will fail. If you’re lucky, it will fail miserably and swiftly allowing you to recover quickly and try again. Or you might be unfortunate; stuck in a never ending relationship which seems impossible to unravel. There may be children, financial encumbrances or physical constraints which can’t be easily untangled locking you in an eternal spiral to hell.

What exactly is compatibility though?

Webster’s dictionary defines compatibility as the ability to exist together without trouble or conflict: going together well.

Since no relationship is conflict or trouble free, relationship compatibility requires each of us to maintain a demeanor which helps amicably anticipate and resolve conflict while leaving each partner feeling valued and whole. Compatibility is an intangible. Unlike love (which we know is a chemical emotional reaction), education, communication or money, it’s a bit challenging to say what relationship compatibility exactly is. Relationship compatibility is like gravity, it’s hard to put our finger on it but it keeps things from flinging apart. It’s what keeps us grounded – compatibility means we have similar capacities, perspectives and empathies which keep us together.

Relationship compatibility is a composite of four elements which work in tandem to facilitate a healthy, long, happy relationship.

Intellectual Parity

Emotional Proximity

Sexual Complicity

Attachment Style Congruity

Intellectual Parity

Intellectual parity doesn’t mean that you both are geniuses, scientists or book-worms. Being intellectually on par simply means that your outlook on life is generally similar, you both strive to keep life interesting, or both not, and you both have the capacity to amicably agree to disagree; or you both have a great time arguing minor simple points to death; like what is the best rock band ever or is Coke better than Pepsi.

Intellectual parity speaks of world view and ones capacity and willingness towards development or not. Intellectual parity suggests that you share similar value systems for elements like respect, trust, truth, privacy, curiosity entertainment and personal development.

Intellectual parity suggests that neither of you is overly embarrassed or ashamed of the other’s world outlook or modes of expression or behavior. It’s difficult to be with someone who embarrasses you with what they say, do or wear. Jed Clampett and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies TV series were intellectually on par as are Michelle and Barack Obama. Those are two vastly different couples however each