Yes I'm fine, just tired: Even the best excuses to hide anxiety only make it worse. A true story of panic, OCD and the search for identity

By Tom Ahern

'Yes I'm fine, just tired', is a first person account of how Tom went from being a teenager, disabled by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, panic attacks and anxiety, to an adult content with who he is. Everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their lives. However, more people are coming to view anxiety not as a disorder (necessaril

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Mind Mate
• Release date: Jun 4, 2018
• ISBN: 9780648349914

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'In a world where most books that deal with the taboo topic of anxiety are found on the shelves of medical professionals, Tom Ahern's Yes I'm fine, Just tired is a refreshingly honest and personal look at what it means to live with anxiety. He will take you into his world in a way that is relatable and informative with a good dose of humour and you will be left realising that maybe you aren't as alone with what you feel as you thought'.

- KY FURNEAUX

   TV Host, Author, Survival Expert

   and Stunt Performer

Copyright © 2020 Tom Ahern

All rights reserved

ISBN: 978-0648349907 (The Mind Mate)

ISBN-13: 064834990X

CONTENTS

Foreword

Preface To The Second Edition

Message From The Author

Introduction

1. Life As A Young Buck

2. Tommy-Doo, Where Are You?

3. You Won’t Find These Mushrooms On A Pizza

4. One Very Important Moment

5. Panic Attacks And Counselling: Rock Bottom

6. Talking To Dad

7. A Life Changing Direction

8. The Marvels Of Self Development

9. Onto The Grill

10. Progress Equals Happiness

11. I’m Not The Only One?

12. Three Burritos In Mexico

13. My Ten Mental Health Tips

Final Thoughts

People To Thank

About The Author

Notes

FOREWORD

First appointments are typically one of two presentations; the client will either divulge all as quickly as possible as if they are trying to binge as much information in an hour. Or they will present shy, reserved and waiting for my lead before they express anything of themselves. When Tom first presented, he was a bit of both; clearly anxious but wanted someone to share his fears with. Tom has given me consent to write about him, but I feel no need to open up on the details of his exact presentation. Tom is wonderfully open about his experience of mental health and I can see that he wants to share his story with many. How Tom presents himself in this book is similar with how he engaged with me; wanting to share his thoughts, both ordered and disordered, wanting to express the conscious and unconscious, and he loves an audience to tell. What I admired about Tom was his courage to work through any issue that presented in front of him. That although fearful of much through a stage of his life, he was also fearless with how he approached therapy. For myself who enjoys the process of working with someone through therapy, this made Tom an ideal client. I could reflect anything to him and he would listen. I could throw any strategy or behavioural experiment, and he would follow through. I reflect on our sessions together and the relationship that bound it together with much satisfaction. Since our therapeutic relationship ended, my role with Tom has become more of a mentor in how he can develop a career in the health sector where he can offer care for people. With his own experiences, Tom has discovered what specifically works for his own mental health & believes this may help many others out there. As an active and adventurous person, he hopes to combine some mental health tips within physical activity as a potential niche area. I wish Tom all the best in his endeavours and am proud on how he’s developed emotionally as a person in this time.

—Michael Inglis

Sport & Performance Psychologist

The Mind Room

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION

Since its initial release in 2018, many things have changed for me, like they have for all of us. For one, I no longer feel quite so alone. Writing this book, with hindsight, gave me a chance to understand myself. Looking back, it now reads to me more so as an extrapolation of ideas and thoughts; I believed they were uniquely mine when, in fact, they were as human as hands and feet. We live in a world now where it is widely accepted that individuals will experience some kind of hardship in their lives. Whether the rise of mental ill-health is an expression of the way in which we live in the 21st century or not, the fact that it is OK not to be OK is a tremendous leap forward in the continuing push to proclaim individual sovereignty as fundamental as personal hygiene. Hardly a lifetime ago, and I’d have been imprisoned for my mental health at the time this book was written and in the years preceding it. Violent, sexual and religious intrusive thoughts, physical compulsions, slumps of depression, frequent drug use as well as treating my family far less than they deserved might have had me incarcerated or sent to as asylum no less than fifty years ago. I’d have been labelled disturbed and crazy, providing the grounds for scientific experimentation, heavy doses of questionable medication and a renunciation of what we now all deem to be ‘basic human rights’. Billie Holiday stands as one example of an individual who was not quite so lucky. Lady Day as she became known, grew up on the streets of Baltimore—her nineteen year old mother working as a prostitute at the time because her father had vanished shortly after she was born.¹ A long quest to find her mother culminated in her being raped by a man in his forties who pretended her mother was looking for her. By fourteen she was desperate: a madam offered her a fifty percent cut to have sex with strangers. She took the job. The police soon took her off the streets and instead of keeping her safe from being pimped and raped, they punished her and threw her in jail.² When she got out, she found alcohol and drugs—mechanisms for numbing the pain no one should ever have to endure in their entire lifetime, let alone by age fifteen. She injected heroin, specifically. For much of her adult life she was hunted for her drug use by a man named Harry Anslinger, considered a racist even in the 1930’s.

Holiday’s story hits close to home for me, coincidentally, because up until the time of her death, she maintained a fear of burning in Hell. She fell in love with Jazz when she was six. Her mother on the other hand, was convinced this music was the work of Satan and wouldn’t let her hear a note of it at home, so [Holiday] offered to perform small cleaning tasks for the madam of the local whorehouse on one condition: instead of being paid a nickel like the other kids, she would take her pay on this floor, in and rapt hours left alone to listen.³ Holiday died alone in 1959, handcuffed to a hospital bed⁴—police guarding her room. Holiday, because of her skin colour and traumatic upbringing, was killed by a vengeful, ignorant system. I, on the other hand, am still alive and healthy. I was able to seek help for my mental health when it was at its worst in 2014—suffering from the same fear Holiday did, among others—and instead of being met with ridicule and shame, I was seen and heard.

For the reasons above, I am forever grateful to have been born in 1993. Since that time—thanks to leading experts like Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and Dr. Gabor Mate as well as journalists like Johann Hari—it has become more widely accepted to listen to the individual, and for individuals to listen to themselves. Emotions and thoughts are no longer seen as separate, foreign or negative externalities to an otherwise functioning organism; rather, they are reflective of an incredibly complicated, brilliant and well-adapted mammal known as Homo Sapien. We are now standing upon the precipice of a consciousness revolution. More and more people are listening to the signs and signals of their ‘mind-bodies’—the mind and body no longer seen and treated as separate entities. Physical health affects mental health and vice versa. People are beginning to trust themselves again and, by doing so, see the world more accurately with every subjective expansion of consciousness. When individual suffering is reduced considerably, external projections—pertaining to the ways in which one wishes the world should be—are no longer quite so dramatic. Put simply, if we are happier on the inside, we will perceive the world as such. World peace is hence achieved only when Mother Earth is inhabited by content individuals.

The world is changing. The way we see ourselves, and others, is changing, but we must continue to do the work so that it may continue to change for the better. As far as psychological development goes, the Socratic method of know thyself still stands as the primary means by which to lead a fulfilling life. There is always a reason as to why you (and I) might be feeling and thinking certain ways. If these thoughts and emotions are uncomfortable, confronting, distracting or inhibiting your ability to live the kind of life you’d like, explore them. View yourself as an incredible vessel of truth and wonder—because that is, after all, what you are! See yourself, then, as an empty canvas. Your life isn’t predetermined and you can alchemise your pain into art. You can be all you can be which means, perhaps more pertinently, that it is beyond perfect to be who you are. Coming back to the self is the great and mysterious journey, the path that lies ahead for all of us. To quote Ram Dass, We are all walking each other home. We can help each other. We can be the ears and the eyes and the embrace for those in need, because when it comes down to it, the antidote to separation—to trauma, pain, shame and a wounded mind—is connection.

MESSAGE FROM

THE AUTHOR

Like many of us, my life has twisted and turned in ways I did not see coming. Some of them were great; others not so much. Essentially, I had a run-in with anxiety and up until late 2016 it made life very difficult for me. I was always scared. Always second guessing myself. However, my journey through mental health anarchy was perplexing. I can’t think of any other way to explain it. Now, years later, it’s fascinating, looking back on all the things I experienced throughout those testing years, sitting here in Tulum, Mexico, drinking a beer, facing the magnificent Caribbean Sea under a hot sun. I look forward to sharing the significant moments in my life that changed who I was. This is a true representation of what went through my mind as my anxiety rose and fell. I hope it provides some insight as to how whacky things can get, as well as some reassurance and help for those currently making their way through the anxiety maze. You may also note throughout the book, the ten tools that helped me become the man I am today. I’m also prone to losing myself in thought from time to time so I have included my abstract philosophical opinions and theories about some wider topics in life. Finally, I have changed most of the names of the people directly involved to protect their identities. Those whose names I have used, I have stated in parentheses.

INTRODUCTION

I feel even today there is a stigma associated with the word ‘anxiety’ and it frustrates the shit out of me. Whenever you tell someone you feel anxious, they think all hell is breaking loose and worry about you way too much. How ironic. Really, all your mind needs is some fine tuning. It’s not their fault though. They just don’t understand. However, worrying about someone with anxiety makes it far worse for the sufferer. A person will have this sort of, ‘Are you ok!?’ look on their face if and when you confess the unnerving truth that you are struggling with anxiety. So, to all the anxious people out there—to make it easier for yourself—let others know that you are, in fact, not anxious, but are merely ‘worried’. Their reaction will be much less unsettling. People will look at you like, ‘Harden-up mate’ or ‘You’ll be right’. It’s way easier guys, trust me—sarcasm duly noted.

There is no difference between being anxious and being worried. Why is it ok to worry about something and not ok to be anxious about something else? I believe the reason is because worrying is perceived to last only for a little while. However, when you say you’re anxious, you’re anxious for good. In any case, worrying just sounds nicer doesn’t it? Mate, you’re just freaking out, you’re just worried, you’ll be fine. How much better is that than, Tom, you have anxiety; you have to go and talk to someone! This can get really bad! You don’t want to get depression! Why is that? Because then I’ll be really screwed up?

There is a sense of transparency in looking back on what my life was like with high anxiety. It really was just heaps of unnecessary worrying. It was also the most rewarding and challenging of experiences, culminating in those three climactic years of my late teens and early twenties. Anxiety taught me how to be a man. It brought me far closer to my dad than I thought possible. Anxiety cemented the bond I share with my sister in how we think and feel, and I became closer with my mum in recognising the many sacrifices she made that I took for granted growing up. That lesson, for me, was about compassion.

Anxiety, at its heart of hearts is an emotion. When I hear people talk about it, I find it funny when they say, Oh, he’s got anxiety or She’s suffering from anxiety, it’s really bad. This doesn’t make any sense. You can’t buy anxiety from a shop. Anxiety doesn’t work like a monthly subscription and it’s not something you can simply choose to switch off either. Anxiety, like anger or sadness, is something you feel; it’s an emotion and sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming and powerful and other times hardly present at all. It has the power to question your deepest values and can make you think you’ve gone utterly insane. This is why I tend to steer clear of the word ‘recovery’, at least in terms of anxiety itself. I find it difficult to imagine ‘recovering’ from anxiety because by definition, one would no longer experience anxiety, which isn’t good! We need it, it is an evolved emotion.¹ Recovery from disorders like chronic anxiety, anxiety induced depression or OCD is another story because when the emotion has become too chaotic, bringing it back down to a more suitable level is what is essentially meant by the term ‘recovery’. In any case, you’ll notice I use words like, ‘rehabilitation’ and ‘alleviated’ where possible. It’s more accurate. Tom, slow down mate. You’re telling me anxiety is an emotion? I’m afraid I’m not following here. Ok then, to further illustrate my point, I will draw upon a personally concocted and hypothetical ancestral example. This is where anxiety came from and this is why it’s so important:

Close your eyes and let your mind wander back 1.8 million years. Ok. Visualise Earth. An earlier Earth, free from carbon dioxide pollution, dictatorships and cars. You find yourself in Asia. You notice a group of Homo Erectus, one of our primitive ancestors. Let me introduce you to one of them. Hey Steve! Get over here mate. Steve is a Homo Erectus (no pun intended). He is married to his lovely wife Jennifer. Steve’s job is to go out and provide for his family. He’s a strong young fella, quite sure of himself and not afraid of a challenge. So, hypothetically speaking, Steve’s walking about on the lookout for some food and stumbles across a cave in the middle of a forest. He thinks to himself, I reckon there could be a bear in there. If I can kill it and take it home, my family will eat for a week. This will be huge and definitely get me in the good books with Jenny. Now Steve isn’t the smartest fella in the group and doesn’t tend to go with his gut feeling or listen to his thoughts. Although his amygdala (stress sensor) is somewhat developed, he is unable to recognise fear when it presents itself and ignorantly strolls into the cave on the look out for food. A bear lives in the cave. The bear has won the lottery. The bear eats Steve. Poor bastard. He leaves Jenny to fend for herself.

Let me introduce you to Homo Erectus Dave, also married with kids. G’day Dave. G’day mate. Dave now stumbles across the cave whilst on the lookout for food to provide for his family. He has two children and a wife named Stacey. Now Dave is a little more developed and is much more in tune with fear, thanks to a progressive family line equipped with a well developed amygdala. His first thought, like Steve, is that there could be enough food in there to keep his family well-nourished for the next week. However, his second thought is saturated with fear and concern for his safety. ‘What if’ thoughts begin to flood his mind. ‘What if I get eaten by a bear?’ ‘What if my family are unable to survive without me?’ ‘What if little Dave junior never learns how to hunt because I won’t be there to teach him?’ ‘What if?’ ‘What if?’ ‘What if?’ His brain is on high alert, funnelling anxious physical symptoms, including a racing heart, sweaty palms and increased temperature of the skin. All these symptoms, mind you, have evolved to prepare Dave for self defence. His adrenaline is pumping. His perception and surrounding awareness is undivided. He is completely in the moment. He is present because his amygdala believes that if he takes another step forward he must be equipped with the necessary tools to stay safe. If there is a bear in that cave, he must be prepared for battle. This, mind you, is referred to as rational based anxiety. Dave, smarter than Steve, takes a step back and runs for the hills. As a result, Dave heads home and makes love to sexy Stacey. They have more kids which, in turn, have more kids and before we know it, much of Asia has been repopulated with thousands and thousands of scared little Homo Erectus, well equipped with the tools for survival.

Dave has changed the course of human evolution and, thanks to Dave, we now all possess the ironically awesome emotion of anxiety. It has kept us safe for thousands of years yet, in modern times, has also allowed for irrational fear to present itself when no danger is present at all. You may open your eyes now.

What I am getting at is that anxiety is an easily influenced, learnt emotion and therefore, allows for reactive behaviour resulting from our rationally fearful ancestors. They survived by avoiding dangerous situations as Dave did. They bred anxious kids as Dave did, and the genetic predisposition for the perpetuation of fear was passed onto us. We, today, are the product of our anxious ancestors; having the best genes of our lines. Ah... Right, I’m with ya now Tom. Great!

Without getting into it too much (at this point anyway), at my worst, I convinced myself for a good period of time that I had schizophrenia and was therefore subject to a life of derealisation—a specific form of anxiety whereby the sufferer feels detached from reality. I thought I’d be subject to hearing voices and being forced to do things for the rest of my life. My anxiety also convinced me that I would eternally suffer in Hell because I frequently swore and made inappropriate jokes among friends. As a result, it even cornered me into thinking the only way to avoid Hell would be to prove to God I was somewhat of a good bloke by picking up rubbish off the ground and identifying potential litterers in the area. That is when anxiety becomes an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Trust me, if you want someone to clean your house and make it super clean, hire someone with OCD. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to help. There are many paths anxiety can take you down. There are even different forms: OCD, Derealisation, Depersonalisation, Pure-O, to name a few. These different branches are categorised by the result of the worrying. For example, fear causes compulsions with OCD sufferers. Pure-o gives rise to intrusive thoughts. Depersonalisation derives a sense whereby one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal. Fundamentally, they’re all the same thing though. It’s all just constant worrying and it sucks. Having had a few of them myself, I can tell you the only way to rid them is to cut away at the root of the issue. But Tom it’s not that easy mate. Managing one’s anxiety is something that takes time and care and the support from one’s family, friends and loved ones. Yes, your friends and your family are important but not for any other reason than they’re always important, anxiety or no anxiety. I would hope the people I am closest to will be there when I’m just as sad, happy and angry as when I’m anxious. I hate the way anxious and depressed people today are thought of as crying, bumbling, mumbling messes; huge downers and fun-sponges that don’t do well at parties. The truth of the matter is that they’re not really that different from who they always were; just a little more strung up on some shit. They’re OK. You just have to give them time.

How many anxiety sufferers will tell you they love their anxiety? None? Wrong. I’d put up my hand. I actually have a name for it. I call it ‘Gary’. He’s this little dude who sits in the left side of my brain. He’s really fat with tonnes of belly button hair, he’s balding from the top of his head and he’s very sedentary. He has the worst possible case of small man syndrome and a voice like Danny Devito—no offence Mr. Devito, I loved you in Matilda. Every time I worry, I know old mate Gary is popping up about something because he’s bored and his favourite TV show has finished, along with his bag of salt and vinegar chips. There are some ups with Gary, however. For example, I know whenever Gary is telling me something, what he’s really doing is assessing a potentially dangerous situation. You see, Gary is a pretty nervous dude, more often than not, and loves to let me know when I’m in a crisis. I also know that whenever Gary sparks up, when there is no danger around, I am about to overcome a significant personal challenge. Tom what do you mean by this? Well how many times have you freaked out before going on a date? How many times have you felt all that nervous tension before speaking publicly or at the start of an exam? I now know that when Gary is spewing unnecessary shit in my ear, I’m about to climb up another step on my personal journey staircase. I’m about to grow that little bit more. That is why I love my anxiety. It gives me direct and immediate feedback to when life is about to be lived! And I know happiness lies just beyond fear.

Why Am I writing This Book?

When I was going through the worst of it I began to think about the prospect of ending my life. It shocked me because I was never someone to think about suicide. Yet there I was, contemplating it in my early twenties. There were moments when I would think about the best way to do it. I chose drowning. The irony of this is that I’ve always had a huge fear of drowning so by committing suicide in a pool with a rock strapped to my foot, I’d be overcoming a fear I had for many years. Go me! The mind really does work in mysterious ways. However, even at my worst I always remembered what my mum used to tell my sister and me as children. She’d always say, Never do anything to hurt yourself or you’ll have a very angry mother to deal with, or something along those lines—I can’t remember what it was exactly. Having that safety in the knowledge I had a mum who loved me