Suicide: a Permanent Decision to a Passing Problem

By Joseluis Canales

Actually, suicidal persons dont want to die, they just want to stop living the way they have been up to now.
People who suffer intensely and think about taking their life are experiencing a severe depression and high degree of hopelessness and confusion which darken and limit their vision of life. It is a perspective that only allows them to see death as the solution to heal the suffering their existence has become.
Joseluis Canales (Dado) reveals in this book that suicide is not the only solution to pain. The text provides a searing reflection on this tragic subject while offering perspectives to overcome it. This expert on psychotrauma delicately unpacks the intricacies of the act so that those with a suicidal risk can begin to heal their pain and see the life options before themoptions which right now seem unassailable.
Dado accomplishes, through intelligent and thought-provoking arguments, an intimacy with readers who may be dealing with this life crisis, to help them find an escape from the haziness and confusion enveloping them.
My dream, my hope behind all this work, is that this book falls into the hands of someone thats considering suicide as the only way out from the hell they are suffering. This person may be you, and perhaps by reading this book you can overcome the existential crisis you are living through, and your life can go on. My fantasy is that someone at suicidal risk unable to imagine that this suffering can be left behind, decides to seek helpMaybe, just maybe, this book can save one life. That life may be yours and because of that and nothing else, it will have been worth it to write this bookDado

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palibrio
• Release date: Sep 3, 2013
• ISBN: 9781463364809

Book preview

Suicide :

A permanent decision

to a passing problem

You don’t have to die to stop suffering…

Joseluis Canales Morales

Copyright © 2013 by Joseluis Canales Morales.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2013915422

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4633-6482-3

            Softcover     978-1-4633-6481-6

            Ebook          978-1-4633-6480-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Rev. date: 27/08/2013

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492866

ÍNDICE

INTRODUCTION

ONLY THE CRAZY ONES COMMIT SUICIDE

AN IDEA THAT KILLS

TAKING A STEP BACK

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS

EMOTIONAL MYOPIA: THE CRAB IN THE BUCKET

THE MONSTER THAT TAKES OVER

THE PAIN OF LOSS

WHEN THE ANGER IS TOO MUCH

THE EXISTENTIAL VOID

TOO HOPELESS TO TRUST?

DON’T DO IT FOR THEM

YOU´LL GROW, I PROMISE, YOU´LL GROW

CROSSING A NARROW BRIDGE WITH UNTIED SHOELACES

LOVE THAT KILLS

A FATAL MISTAKE DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR A PRIOR MISTAKE

THE NIGHTMARE OF TRAUMA CAN BE LEFT BEHIND

THOSE WHO HAVE TRIED IT

SO…WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T ACOMPLISH IT?

THE PEOPLE YOU LEAVE BEHIND

EVERYTHING ENDS UP PASSING

THE HUMBLENESS TO ASK FOR HELP

A NEW PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

BIBLIOGRAPHY

To Araceli, the woman of all my lives

Translated by Lourdes Vale

and Anthony Wright

He who lives in hopelessness kills himself, and it’s not evil nor sin, but maybe the biggest suffering.

Stengel

The one who commits suicide is dead before trying to kill himself.

Fromm

Suicide is always foretold, in one way or another.

Grauman

Suicidal persons don’t really want to die, what they are looking for is to stop suffering and living with no existential meaning.

Dado

INTRODUCTION

Dear Reader:

I’ve always believed that we don’t pick the books we read, the books pick us; and for some reason, this one landed in your hands. I don’t know and can’t imagine the reason why the title of this book drew your attention; all I know is that if it made it into your life and you are starting to read it, it is because there is something inside of you that relates to the subject of suicide. Maybe you are thinking about committing suicide; maybe you have tried to commit suicide and are recovering in a hospital bed; or maybe you are a victim of someone who committed suicide. Or maybe, just like me, you are a psychotherapist accompanying others in their pain. What I wish with all my heart is that if you are considering taking your life, don’t do it until you finish reading this book. I think you have the right to know the information I offer you; and while you continue reading I am convinced you will catch a glimpse of new options that right know you can’t see.

Suicide is not the only answer to pain. It is not necessary for you to die in order to stop suffering, even if right now you can’t see the difference. Obviously as a psychologist and therapist, and even more so as an author, it would really help to know something about your life, your history, your feelings, the moment you are presently going through; however, the fact is that I don’t know you and will never get a chance to know you personally. So here we are, together without knowing each other, at the beginning of an analysis and introspection into a subject that cuts deep inside and because of the pain it causes in most people, is a taboo subject. This is why it is very important that you have the certainty that the fact we don’t know each other won’t hinder our process; at least it won’t stop me from honestly and open heartedly speaking to you. Not only as a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist or psychotrauma specialist but as a person that for many reasons has been linked to situations where suicide has been the main feature.

My name is Joseluis, but everyone calls me Dado. I am a psychologist and psychotherapist dedicated to giving therapy. My main specialties are psychotrauma, thanatology, and crisis intervention. I decided to write this book for you, imagining that you are comfortably sitting in the couch at my office. Let me tell you it is a warm place, inviting, filled with plants and light. There is a fountain that fills the room with peace; it is a harmonious place, but most of all a private place. In it you can hear classical music playing, and there is always a bouquet of white flowers in a blue vase. I try my best to make it a place filled with harmony and energy for healing. No one interrupts when I am with a patient; I never answer the phone during a session, so imagine that when we are together the phone won´t ring, my cell phone will be turned off, and no one will interrupt us. It’s an office in which I do what most psychologist do: listen to others, trying to find solutions to their problems, and most of all accompanying them through the process of healing. And that’s exactly what my purpose with you is, to listen to you with an open heart!

Miguel Ruiz is so right when he says that one should not suppose or take something for granted because when we do, we have an 80% probability of getting it wrong. But in this case and taking into account the nature of our relationship, I will have to assume something: if you are reading this book it´s because at some point you have considered taking your life. Maybe you have already tried it, and are thinking about trying it again, or maybe the idea is just flying around in your head, like a mosquito that won’t let you sleep at night. I will assume that right now you are under pressure and feeling trapped, in crisis, and have considered putting an end to your life.

Considering the above to be true, and trying to be profoundly empathetic, I will talk to you about some situations that you might have gone through. I will talk to you about the pain and suffering of living with depression and anxiety, about the weight of hopelessness, about the mistakes you have not forgiven yourself for, about the anger that has been accumulating inside you and the rage you are turning towards yourself. I will also talk to you about your interpersonal relationships that have been deteriorating, and, above all, about the consequences your death would carry. Since I am assuming that your life is at risk, I will not beat around the bush or sugar coat the importance of what’s going on. I will not mislead you nor will I minimize what’s happening. On the contrary, I promise to be completely honest and straightforward, as I have learned to be here in my office.

Due to the fact that my job is to listen to people that have a lot of emotional pain and that I have worked with those who have tried to commit suicide, and unfortunately with one person who went through with it, I think I can understand your emotional state and your life’s perspective. This is why I will try to make this book brief and clear, because you are probably not in the mood to read anything, much less a whole book.

One of the main reasons I decided to write this book is because suicide is something that is rarely spoken of. This tragic and fatal event in a human´s life has been and still is taboo; full of myths and half-truths, social stigmas; and also condemned by many religions. People don’t like to talk about suicide, unless there is gossip surrounding it. It’s a subject that is evaded, and even though it’s the fifth highest cause of death in our country, it is not addressed directly, nor is it treated in a multidisciplinary manner. In fact, there is very little literature about suicide, especially Latin literature. Silence does not help; ignoring it does not take away the suffering of those who try to commit suicide, nor does it contribute to reducing the statistics of death by suicide.

When I started writing this book a friend asked me if it was possible that someone might get the idea to commit suicide by reading it. This is a myth: talking about suicide does not generate the idea of taking one’s life, it only puts into words the intense pain and suffering a human being is going through. Verbalization allows for deep understanding of what the person with suicidal risk is experiencing, it helps put the problem in perspective: understanding that the person doesn’t wish for death, but wishes to stop the intense suffering that has robbed him of the capability to smile. Talking about the desperation and loneliness that someone is experiencing does not attract or heighten these feelings, it just makes them evident, and can also relieve them, allowing for some solution. Talking about a taboo subject demystifies and promotes the search for different ways out.

Suicide might seem like the only solution to your problems; one of the objectives of this book is for us to, together, identify, understand, feel and observe, from a different perspective, that which seems to have no solution, and from which you so desperately want to run away. Two heads are better than one, and together we will surely find a new perspective which you cannot glimpse right now.

I am convinced that the more we know about death and its emotional processes, the more we can learn about life and its various hues. I also realize that the more we learn about the relationship between life and death, the more we understand that life invariably has some magic moments and some tragic moments, stages of darkness and stages of light, phases of peace and phases of crisis, calm and tempest, rain and drought, love and heartbreak. Even more so, I clearly understand that the more we comprehend the existing union between life and death, the more we learn to accept that both are complementary, and that the general balance of human existence, despite the bad moments, is always positive.

Another important reason why I decided to write this book is because most of the people that commit suicide do it without knowing that they could have been helped, and that such help was maybe as close as a phone call away. Most of the people that try to take their life don’t understand the real reasons that make this self destructive force rise in them, but I am convinced that if they got to know the reasons they could fight them, instead of trying to solve, through death, the unbearable pain that consumes them.

The truth is that most of the people that take their life do it without ever asking for help. This is hard to believe, especially since nowadays we have access to so much technology; but that’s the way it is: people don’t seek this kind of help because they believe no one can give it to them. This is a part of the limited vision a depressed person has, in addition to high levels of hopelessness, a point of view that makes them believe that death is the only cure to desperately relieve the suffering that their existence has turned into.

My dream, my hope behind all this work, is that this book falls in to the hands of someone that’s suffering and is considering suicide as the only way-out from the hell they are living. This person may be you, and maybe by reading this book you can overcome the existential crisis you are undergoing, and your life can go on. My fantasy is that someone at suicidal risk that has not been able to imagine that this suffering can be left behind decides to ask for help, and so transform their existence. Maybe, just maybe, this book can save one life; and that life may be yours, and just because of that, only that and nothing else, it will be worth having written this book.

This book might give you the courage and humbleness to ask for help, or it might make you postpone your suicidal plans for a week or two. This could, as often happens, make your life get better and the suicidal ideas vanish. The text is not meant to be a textbook or reference book; it’s not a research project either: it’s a path to explore and scrutinize all the areas that I believe you should understand and analyze before making a definite and irreparable decision about your existence. Remember you are the sole owner of your life; you deserve to make the most important decision of your life being completely conscious of what you are feeling, going through and experiencing.

I wish I had magical answers and easy solutions to difficult problems. But I don’t, nor do I believe anyone has; so I don’t pretend to offer you a magic pill for your pain. I only wish to disentangle your problem and, as much as possible, start healing this pain so you can see all the different available options that right now are hard to imagine.

I am certain about one thing: I will tell you the truth. I offer you honesty, since your life is at play; I will also offer to do the best within my reach, so that this is not the last book you read in your life.

Dado

1

ONLY THE CRAZY ONES COMMIT SUICIDE

Not so long ago, I was at a party and heard a friend say that one has to be crazy to take one’s life. They were talking about a woman that had committed suicide in her minivan, leaving three children orphans: She had to be crazy, they said. I didn’t comment on it, and started thinking that when you haven´t personally had a close encounter with suicide, myths surrounding the theme are common. The conversation degenerated into plain gossip and for some reason it made an impact on me. At that moment, at least eight or nine of my patients who were experiencing suicidal thoughts came to mind. After much searching and analyzing I could not find in them a single sign of craziness. They were in pain and suffering, but they weren’t crazy.

That day I realized that those who think that one has to be crazy to even consider suicide, are fortunate enough to never have been in a situation where all doors seemed to be locked with no way out, where existence is a reflection of solitude, suffering, fear, anguish, guilt and darkness. When I realized this, I decided to write this book, so I could share what I have learned throughout the years as a therapist, regarding suicide.

I think that if we go over the points regarding your decision to take your life, we may be able to see more clearly where you stand and the reasons that make you feel hopeless. I am sure that at this time of hopelessness you feel confused, alone and frightened. To begin with, it is very important that I invite you to share a basic truth: you don’t have to be crazy to wish you were not alive. This is one of the myths surrounding suicide. I am completely sure that whoever said for the first time that only the crazy commit suicide never suffered from depression. What a blessing! Because those of us who have gone through depression or have been close to someone who has, know that it has nothing to do with being in touch with reality; and has everything to do with pain, a pain so deep it cuts to the bone. You are suffering, and it’s not necessary to have a mental disorder to have the capacity to suffer.

If you are considering taking your life, it´s because you have problems that seem to have no solution, and have been overwhelming you for some time. If you are thinking about suicide, you are desperately looking for a way out; and death seems to be the only one at hand. What’s attractive about death is that it is a solution, no matter what others think, or what religion says, or the self-righteousness imposes. The truth is that death is a solution to suffering. It may not be the only solution, and it’s certainly not the best, but the simple fact that you are considering terminating your life makes you feel a little better, and that’s the only reason why it represents a solution.

It´s interesting: just by validating suicide as an option makes the profoundly depressed person feel some kind of relief. This is because when someone wants to take their life, at that critical moment they feel they have no control; yet by imagining they can terminate their existence whenever they want to, gives them some peace. Therefore, to those for who whom living is a problem, death can be a solution.

I don’t want to convince you that willingly taking your life is a mistake, because it’s the solution you can come up with; and surely by now you are thirsty for a solution. Maybe while reading these paragraphs and seeing my arguments you will think I am pro-suicide, and, of course, that is not the case; but what’s of major importance is not whether I am pro or against it, it is what you perceive during this time of suffering. You are making a desperate decision at a difficult time in your life; and this, at the end, seems like a door that will lead you far away from the roots of your pain.

I am interested in putting myself in your shoes so I can understand your feelings, and then feel closer to you so we can deeply identify your desperation. I am sure you get enough judgments—from yourself and others—so I won’t contribute to that load. You and I know that the feelings you are experiencing are there, whether we like them or not. We feel them, period: sadness, fear, and desperation. That´s right, you feel like that, and that’s why you are wishing to take your life. It doesn’t matter if others agree with you or not, you see it that way: you need a radical solution to a radical problem. Your life seems to have turned into a nightmare and death seems the best way out of this situation.

However, is suicide really a solution? At first glance, it is; in the short run, it is. Of course! Once you are dead nothing or anyone around you can hurt you. When you cross the threshold of death, nothing of what’s been persecuting you right now can get to you, and surely neither anguish nor desperation can find you on the other side. I can´t deny it, that´s why the fantasy of death is so attractive, why the idea doesn’t sound so irrational. I might even say it sounds logical, since whatever is the source of your pain will end the moment you stop breathing. Not only can I not deny it, but also I don’t pretend to convince you otherwise; you are right: death can be a solution to the existential crisis you are going through, it is not crazy, it is A DESPERATE DECISION AT A DESPERATE MOMENT.

It´s a fact that those who wish to die are living with such a void and such hopelessness, that it seems totally absurd to go on; and it´s a fact that those who make the decision are living with such depression and solitude, that there is nothing worth going on for.

How do you get to the point where you decide to take your life? I recently asked a patient who suffers from constant migraines and spends long periods of time in total darkness in his bed, due to the severe pain he is in.

When life becomes torture, suicide is a must, he answered with an excellent sense of humor, having obviously postponed his decision. What’s the point in continuing to suffer?

While remembering these raw comments, I associate them with your emotional pain, and think that surely it´s proportional to his physical pain. Why keep going on with such torture that doesn’t seem to end? I can imagine this thought has often come to your mind.

It would seem that suicide is a common sense issue, not a crazy act. The fact is that most people that try to take their life are in touch with reality; and most of those who go through with it seemed to have a functional, sensible life, in some cases even an enviable one. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and what kind of load each one of us is carrying. Every donkey believes that the other’s load is lighter than their own, and no one can experience another’s pain; each one of us can only know the weight of our own life.

He didn’t seem to be having such a bad time; he probably went crazy, the cousin of an 18-year-old teenager that had committed suicide with sleeping pills, once told me. This goes to show that for people, in general, suicide is something completely incomprehensible and sudden. And so the myth—seen through the eyes of someone that enjoys life—that suicide is an absurd, coward and crazy decision committed in an impulsive manner at a moment of crisis. They think this because they lack the knowledge, since in reality it´s nothing like that. Most of those who try to take their life are common people, like you and me, who find themselves trapped in emotionally painful situations, in events in which there seems to be no way out.

Feelings are, in general, a reflection of what we think (do I think that feelings are not always a reflection of our thoughts, since many times the feeling generated first is the opposite?) I added in general or could it be almost always? Our thoughts are a filter through which we perceive reality but if we are living through a crisis our perception of reality may not be completely accurate, therefore our thoughts may be distorted.

So we can understand that what happens in most situations where someone is thinking about ending his/her life is that the person thinks they understand the chaos they are going though. They perceive that the facts in which their decision is based have no solution, and can´t picture the situation from any other perspective. This is how those who suffer may come to the decision to take their life; based on a perception that doesn’t necessarily represent reality, and allowing fear and desperation to be their guide.

Therefore, I’m very interested in clarifying that my objective is not to judge what you are feeling, nor debate whether it’s a good thing or bad thing for someone to take his or her life. What I’m aiming for is: to accompany you in the process of identifying, naming, and accepting, as much as possible, the main components of this chaos your life has apparently become, so we can properly name and identify this huge monster that’s right know pushing you into taking your own life.

Since we are talking about a life or death decision, I think it’s essential to get to know one by one the feelings that normally lead a person to this place of darkness and confusion. But in order to do this, I want to first of all tell you about what I learned when I was young and much more free. Even though my adventurous self has always been quite calm, I attended a camp where I learned one of the golden rules for surviving in the forest. This is a simple rule: if nighttime falls and you don’t know where you are going, you better wait for the sunrise so you can clearly see the road. Don’t ever waste time and energy trying to find a way out in the darkness. You don’t know how helpful this seemingly easy rule has been to me, because even if I didn’t get lost at that time, and have never gone camping again, I’ve used it in many moments of my life. I can assure you I have felt lost, desperate and afraid many times in my life; and the lesson that I learned at that camp, has taught me to wait and not make any decisions at times of crisis.

Don’t try to find a path when all is dark, it’s better to find a safe place and wait for sunrise—I think this is what we need to assume at this moment of your life. You feel lost in the forest that metaphorically represents your life and you have walked until you are exhausted, looking for a way out; but its nighttime, you are overwhelmed, and all you can think about is the wish to leave it all behind. I think this is how you feel, so right now I am not asking you to change your mind about the decision to take your life, I am just asking you to analyze in detail what you are going through and wait together for sunrise; so that with some ray of light you can choose with certainty and comprehension what’s best for you. I ask that we wait together for sunrise, and we might find out that we are a few feet away from a familiar road.

While we get there, it might help you to start by understanding what it is that you are actually looking to be freed from by death. When you imagine your death, what happens? Do you know what´s so appealing about dying? Probably what’s so appealing is that it gives you peace, something you probably can’t remember the last time you felt. That is why you think the only way you can feel peace again is by dying, and the idea of dying allows you to imagine yourself in a problem free and peaceful state. By imagining that when dying pain will cease and anguish dissipate, you feel liberated, but let’s get something straight: it´s the fantasy about leaving behind the ties of suffering that really frees you, not death per se. You want to stop suffering; death, apparently, has become the only way to achieve it. You imagine that by being dead everything will be solved.

We have the capacity to imagine how our life would be like if something changed, we can even create a fantasy that may transform our thoughts, our feelings, and might be aimed at changing our present situation. For example, we can imagine such things as: What would I do if I won the Lottery?, Where would I have liked to have been born If I could turn back time and start over?, What would I do if I was told I have only one year left to live?, What historical character would I have liked to have been?, What would I change from my personal history?, What would it feel like to be dead and leave all this suffering behind?, etc. But we have to keep in mind that with these kinds of illusions we don’t change reality at all, we only change our perception of it. What’s dangerous is that by considering this hypotheses in our mind we are generating a risk that can change the path of our life; since by making up these scenarios where we modify some variables of our personal equation, good or bad, we can modify what we think and therefore the way we feel, live and, in consequence, act.

This ability that we have of imagining that our problems would end; and most of all, that the suffering would disappear, is what makes it possible for a suicide to take place. The fantasy of freedom, that is, the power to leave behind