The Journey of My Life

By Eugene McCann

You will find within this book, it is surrounded with the guidance of St. Benedict. A prayer is very powerful. St. Benedict has been my inspiration throughout my life. As I have discovered, through the power of prayer, you will find if you allow yourself to be who you are. Live in the present.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TOPLINK PUBLISHING, LLC
• Release date: Sep 6, 2017
• ISBN: 9781947620940

Eugene McCann

Eugene McCann is Professor in the Department of Geography, Simon Fraser University. His research focuses on the ways in which policies, especially urban policies, are circulated among communities of practitioners across the global and how these 'policy mobilities' are related to urban politics.

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The Journey of My LIFE

Eugene Mccann

Copyright © 2017 by Eugene McCann.

PAPERBACK: 978-1-947620-93-3

EBOOK: 978-1-947620-94-0

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Acknowledgments

Special thanks to Deanna McCann, my lovely wife who was with me throughout this book she was always there for me and I love her very much.

And father George Farrell, who helped restore my health and by helping me write this book. He showed me where to begin with my book and I am forever indebted.

Abbot Notker Wolf, a dear friend of mine, I will always remember him. He was a great friend of mine.

I shall acknowledge the rest as they all have been a major part of writing this book. They all have been wonderful to me and there is not enough room to acknowledge all these awesome people and friends.

Eileen Molnari, Richard Emerson, Father Hillary, Ann Gaydosh, Jerry McCann, Roger McCann, Patricia McMullen, My Benedictine Oblate family, Jack Rooney, and many Others. I cannot name them all. They were all great to me.

My diary

April 2012

Today, after getting up, I sat in my office. It is Easter Monday today. Let’s see what goes to the bottom of life. And after I ate breakfast Deanna made for me, I came to my contemplative prayer called Lectio Divina: Our Lord has risen. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Alleluia, alleluia. I had seizures, and it is true I do not want them. But I have faith in Jesus that he will continue to help me. Hopefully, with the help of Jesus, I will hear how my book is coming. I need some reassurance that the book will work. I am beginning to believe today is a wonderful day as everybody’s is. Despite my not driving, I love life. I wish, though, Deanna would make it easier on herself and sell this house.

We are not getting younger. We do not need this big monster. All we need is something small for her and me.

I am now reading a book called Little Chapel on the River.

As soon as the money reaches $3,200 in Muriel Siebert, I can invest the entire amount in my strongest fund. Perhaps what I should do is when I pay American Express, I should give them the minimum payment so I can put more money in my investments. I have just helped Deanna to put up for a windsock.

I will now say my evening prayer.

April 10, 2012

Today, I said my morning prayer. This week, we begin the octave of Easter.

We celebrate this season of Easter for eight days. It then remains the Easter season. Last night I had a crazy dream. I dreamt that my mother and Eileen, my sister, told me to get rid of my cell phone because it was bothering them too much. I was making too many phone calls to heaven. Strange, my mother is dead, and my sister Eileen lives very far away. Oh well, I got an e-mail from the realtor, Barbara. She told me that the apartment had some bugs. So Deanna went up to the apartment with the exterminator we hired him to do the rugs.

I just got back from mass. My memory is very bad this. A lawyer gave me a name of someone who has cancer, and I forgot her name already. My intention was to put her in my office book to pray for her.

I have called Scott to look at my printer. For some reason, the printer only prints small letters. I will show Scott what printer does.

One of Deanna’s friends called the person who called. She hung up too fast, so I could not get her phone number. Deanna does not have her number.

Deanna just put out a beautiful wind chime. I must ask Gloria the person’s name who has the cancer so I can put her in my office book, on my prayer list. I will now say my daytime prayer. I then will say my contemplative prayer Lectio Divina.

April 12, 2012

Today, when I got up after getting washed and dressed, I came in and said my office. What is interesting is that I have started a diary. Yesterday, it was not because I was trying to get Dragon to work, and also my printer. It turns out that there was really no problem as I could have fixed Dragon. I had made too many places and given too much information; therefore, the Dragon would not work.

We are having some trouble getting someone to rent the apartment. When I prayed my Lectio Divina (my contemplative prayer), there was one verse where the doubting Thomas would not believe that Jesus was there. Blessed are they who believe and have not seen.

Deanna has worked very hard this morning cleaning the house. She is a wonderful person.

Yesterday I moved some money from money market and put $1,600 to Oakmark Funds. About $4,000. The Oakmark funds are the funds that make the most money for me.

I think what I would do today is make another CD for my book as I do not think the first one was found. The next one I’m going to send through registered mail. This way, it will not get lost.

Jesus, please reassure me that my book is going to work. I will now go shave, and after that, I will make another CD to mail. Our Lord Jesus has always been with me, and I know he will never leave me.

After reading my morning prayer, I went to eat breakfast. After breakfast, I said my contemplative prayer (Lectio Divina). From this, I learned never to doubt the Lord Jesus.

We have someone today coming to fix the wall in the apartment. I hope we will be able to rent the apartment. This will help us financially, but please see what else is happening today. I was not able to go to church today. I had plans to go to Diane Marleau’s funeral. However, because of the man coming to fix the wall in the apartment, I am unable to go to the funeral. I called Dr. Corbin, my foot doctor.

2:45, Monday, April 16, 2012

I was just thinking that Deanna would move to a new home. We are not getting any younger. This monster of a house does not work. You do not need the responsibility of having tenants and taking care of all this property. All we need is something for ourselves.

Well, I assume that the publisher has received the manuscript for my book, and hopefully, I will be hearing from him. I hope that the book will be accepted and that the book can go to print.

April 14, 2012

Today when I got up, I said my morning office. It is still the Easter solemnity; however, it is the last day of the octave of Easter. We now start the Easter season.

I am still wondering whether or not my book will make it to be sold. Now, Jesus, this is where I need your help. I still have doubts. Perhaps it is because it is the first time I have ever tried something like this. I do know that with your help, Jesus, it can and will be done. Please help, Deanna. She is not feeling good. Please help her, Jesus.

I continue to have strength, faith, and a good prayer life. This will get through no matter what happens to me—good, bad, or indifferent. Life is truly awesome. I must remember to keep my positive attitude.

April 15, 2012

Today is Mercy Sunday. We ask for God’s mercy.

At church today, we had a baptism. This morning, I said my office (morning prayer). It is still the Easter season. I am right now thinking about my book. Today the gospel was about the doubting Thomas. Jesus, I’m beginning to doubt that my book is going to make it. Please, give me patience and the faith that I need to retain my present attitude. I hope that by my prayer, I am able to retain all this.

Today I was late in getting started because I had to fill my medication for a week.

I must call Peter Pan Pharmacy tomorrow and tell them that Dr. Geller told me not to increase one of my medications. I must look at medications to discover the right one. Deanna has just called me for lunch.

After eating my lunch, I watched television and saw Murder She Wrote by Jessica Fletcher. Let’s what else is happening today.

A young girl came to look at the apartment. I think she may be a possibility. She is a very nice young girl. We share with her what kind of neighborhood we have. We told her that it was very calm.

April 16, 2012

I got up and said my morning prayer. The reading was about being with the Lord and forgiving others, allow them to be who they are, and be with Jesus. Follow the commandments of our Lord. From my contemplative prayer (Lectio Divina), I learned that if I follow God’s commandments and allow him to be with me, I will never fail.

Jesus will never leave me.

Today Deanna was very upset regarding the trouble she is having with the car insurance and her medication. I called Dave at Peter Pan Pharmacy. I asked him to please straighten it out. Blame game does not work.

Okay, Greg, my publisher, called me today and assured me that my book will be printed. Jesus, help me with my present attitude. I am once again starting to think that it might not work. Jesus, help me to maintain my present attitude. Jesus, please help Deanna with her problem regarding the life insurance, and thank you for allowing me to handle her medication. I must go to my foot doctor and have him cut my toenails. I must also ask him if the pain in my thigh relates to my feet. Jesus, please help Deanna not to make herself so wrong. Deanna does a great deal. Allow her to give herself credit for all she does. Jesus, she is making herself wrong. Give her the credit then allow her to be who she is. Deanna is really a wonderful person. Please allow her to know this. Peter has just called me and asked me if I’m going to church. Yes, I am.

I have just heard from Wayne, and he will be able to take me to Morristown for my oblate meeting. There is a group reading with the Benedictine nuns at St. Stanislaus monastery. I do not have to worry about getting a ride. I must now say my daytime prayer and then get the information that Deanna wants from the funeral home for the veterinarian.

April 17, 2012

After getting up, I said my morning prayer. I have learned to trust in the Lord and obey his commandments. If you trust in the Lord, you will never have any problems. He will always be there for you and help you through everything. Last night, I helped Deanna with her film. And I hope it works for her when she takes it this morning to get developed.

The men who are to fix the apartment just arrived.

Hopefully, it will work; and hopefully, the young girl’s mother will like the apartment so the girl will be able to stay and rent the apartment. Jesus, I need my new book to succeed. Please call my publisher to let me know if the book I have written will work. I know that you will not let me down because I do trust you.

I have read the verse in the Bible regarding Saint Thomas who doubted. You have given me the strength and the faith to be able to believe in you, so I need not doubt.

It is interesting to me that I was able to keep up a diary just for myself. This will help me keep my positive attitude as I can share what is going on with me.

You know, Jesus, I am still thinking about selling this place and moving away. Neither one of us is getting any younger, and we do not need this monster. We only need something just for us. We do not need to responsibility of having tenants. Jesus, please inspire Deanna that we no longer need this house. Also, remind her that she is a wonderful person. Please allow Deanna to be who she really is.

April 18, 2012

After saying my morning prayer, I learned that if I am always with God, I will never have any problems no matter what happens to me. This I learned from my contemplative prayer, Lectio Divina. This is a very powerful prayer that brings you closer to Jesus.

I am thinking about my book. I would like to call to see if it will happen, but I am afraid of failure, so I’m going to wait until Greg, my publisher, will call me.

I have broken the light in my desk lamp. So I called Staples, the office store. I ordered another set of bulbs. It’s a shame. The only cost is $12, but the shipment will be around nine dollars. However, I must pay this because I do not drive, and I have no way to get there. Deanna will not take me. I can understand that because she is afraid to drive.

Jesus, please help Deanna with her hands as she has spilled hot water on them. Oh, thank you also, Jesus, for helping me straighten out Deanna’s problem with her medicine.

Peter has just called me to go to church. Deanna will buy me a line until I get the one I have fixed. The lightbulb for my lamp should be here in about five business days. Jesus, when I do get the bulb, please help me put the bulb in so I do not break it.

Deanna has just arrived. I do believe she has a temporary lamp for me to use until my lightbulb I ordered arrives.

The men are all upstairs fixing the apartment. The men have finished fixing the apartment upstairs. With regard to the apartment, there is a young girl that would like to rent it. However, she does not have any credit references. This is needed, not unless we accept it, it shall not happen.

Jesus, please help Deanna to come down. She is so concerned and worried. The way I look at it, a lot of that should have been handled during the weekend. You cannot undo what has happened. You can only correct it. Shouda, coulda, woulda doesn’t work.

Nothing else, but the bottom line works. It does not matter. If we do not accept this, she does not get the apartment. Deanna and I do not see how a college girl can afford the apartment. So we shall see whether it will work for us.

Scott will be coming over to look at this modem, to see if I really need it. If I do not, I will merely put it away. I must ask Scott if I can change Dragon or if I can modify the voice and turn the camera back and forth.

I must remember that tomorrow morning, at ten fifteen, I have an appointment with Mary Joe. I must also not forget the CD for my book to show Mary Joe.

I will now say my daytime prayer.

The course avoids me, but I know it’s very reasonable.

It is very strange that my book has helped me keep a diary. I’m still praying that Deanna may be inspired to sell this house. Jesus, please make Deanna understand this.

I have learned also today I must stay in Jesus and keep his commands. I do not have to doubt that Jesus will always be with me no matter what I do or say.

Most of my mail was all garbage except the retreat schedule from the house of prayer.

I also got a notice from The Word Among Us regarding my subscription.

I must somehow maintain the strength and the faith not to look at all this porn. It is very simple and is not appropriate for me to watch. Jesus, I am once again sorry for what I have done. Please give me the faith and the strength and the energy to stop watching all these inappropriate pictures that are not necessary for me to enjoy myself. It definitely should not work for me.

Scott is coming over to check this thing. I’ve got the cable company to see if I need it. I’m glad I was able to fix Dragon, so it works for me. And I must maintain not to mess things up.

Once again, Jesus, I need the strength not to watch all this porn. Make the devil go away, Jesus, and see that he does not return.

April 19, 2012

Earlier today, I got new bulbs for my lamp; but when I went to put the bulb in, I broke it. So I called Scott to come and put the other because I do not want to break it.

Once again, Jesus, I must stop getting excited and hollering and swearing. It does not work. Jesus, please help me to accomplish this. Today I went to see Mary Joe, my spiritual director, at the house of prayer. After that, I went to church and came home. Jesus, please help my wife, Deanna, not to make herself wrong. She is worried about other people. She feels that she is responsible.

It is a tenant’ s responsibility no matter where they live to get their credit checked. They are to get these through the real estate agent. The agent, not the tenant, should get these. If that’s fully accomplished, all things should work. The tenant shall not move in to the apartment until next week. The agent that takes care of this since the beginning is Barbara. Barbara knows how to do this. The other real estate agent, Frank, does not.

I am now going to check in Staples to see if I got that right bulb because the ones I have do not seem to fit. Perhaps this is the reason why I broke it.

Gee, I just started to think again about selling this house. I wish that Deanna would agree. She complains no one helps her. No one ever takes her to dinner, is the only one that does everything. She feels so sorry for herself. Jesus, is this who she is? If so, please help me to realize this so I can keep my sanity. I would be a basket case.

I am not calling my publisher for the book because I am afraid of rejection.

April 20, 2012

After getting up this morning, I said my morning prayer. I learned that with Jesus, he is responsible to see that my book is a success. I am afraid to call the publisher for fear of rejection. As I wrote my book, I must remember that Jesus is with me and that he will never leave me. Just as Peter did not take credit for washing the beggar’s feet. It was through the Holy Spirit. Peter and John were not responsible for the miracle of curing the beggar’s feet.

Once again, Deanna is always making herself wrong. No one is asking Deanna to do all this work. She is bringing all this on herself. Jesus, please inspire Deanna to realize how wonderful she is, how much she does for others. You know how Deanna bought the two shirts for me. She said that she does not have the time to get everything for herself. This is one of the things that she brings on herself. She does not want to realize that she can do the same for herself. She would rather blame herself instead of getting something for herself. Jesus, please help her get things for herself. Deanna knows she can do this if she would only try.

I am once again thinking about the new house. Oh, I am just thinking about the tenant. Will it work? Barbara, the real estate agent that we began with, must check credit appropriately. This will make Deanna feel much, much better. She will not get so nervous as someone she knows will handle the apartment.

Jesus, I will leave this in your hands, and I know you will not let me down. Please remind Scott to call me regarding getting new bulbs for my light as the ones I bought, I believe, were the right ones. I must ask Scott to take me to Staples to get them.

Okay, what else? Mary Joe is going to see her family down South. Maybe Deanna might bring me to Staples; however, she must suggest that. I will only hurt her feelings if I ask. Oh, let me go see if the bed is made. Perhaps I can help her. Please help me hear Deanna so I can do what she asked of me. This may help her to know that others will help her. This way, she does not have to feel alone.

I am now going to read a book called The Little Chapel on the River, and I also will get ready for church.

I just realized that Deanna is still putting herself down. She can have anything she wants. The truth is she really does not want any help. She loves to put herself down.

I just had to run Dragon because I messed it up. In any event, I fixed it.

Tomorrow I must go to my oblate in Morristown, New Jersey. Wayne will bring me to St. Mary’s Abbey in Morristown. It is a co-meeting from the nuns of Saint Stanislaus. Saint Stanislaus is Saint Benedict’s twin sister.

I have sent the CD for my book to my publisher. I am not calling because I am afraid I will get rejected. So I will wait for them to call. I will only talk about the book tomorrow at the meeting if I am asked.

I am still hollering and carrying on. This is not appropriate. Oh, and, dear Jesus, I am back again, looking at inappropriate pornography pictures. I once again am sorry. Please give me the strength and the faith and help me not to do this again. Dear, Jesus, whenever I am tempted, I know you are with me. As I say, give me the faith and the strength not to keep making this mistake. There simply is no reason for it. If I go down the column again, please remind me. I must only look for things on seizure disorders to help others with the disorder. Help me to explain to them what I went through. This way, I can help them with their seizures. I will now say my evening prayer.

April 21, 2012

I just finished looking at several epilepsy sites. I saw David, a person online, who had a left temporal lobe surgery called a temporal lobe lobotomy. David had a rough time with the surgery. His surgery wasn’t that successful.

Even though I now have small seizures, there was a point when I had almost died. I had something called status epilepticus. This is where you have a long seizure or sidewalk seizure. At once, I needed medical attention. I was in a coma for three days and very close to death. Now I can tell you that my blood levels were off. There was no proper medication. I was taking the wrong medication. However, I am responsible for all this.

I am not saying that it was my fault, but it was my responsibility to acknowledge this. Fortunately, this status epilepticus is a one-time deal. I am now on medication appropriately. Fortunately, I only have one small seizure about once a month. This is much better. So what it tells me is that the brain surgery I had—worked.

I also was watching a few tapes on schizophrenia. It was interesting studying parts of the brain that control different parts of the body.

Jesus has helped me grow to where I can see studying the different parts of the brain that have something to do with the way I act.

A lot of things have happened to me. No matter what they are, I am the one who must take responsibility.

Deanna is still making herself wrong. Even though I am starting to blame myself for not driving, it is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. Jesus, please help me find a way to help Deanna cope with all this mess. One good sign is that today she asked me for help. This is important. She allowed me to help her put up the curtains and fold the clothes. This is important because she is beginning to ask for help at her own accord. Oh, it is okay for me to feel bad regarding not driving. That is the way it is, and I must accept it. No matter what is going on, I realize it is not a pity party. It is my responsibility. Jesus, help me remember to continue taking responsibility for my actions.

Deanna has made me a wonderful lunch. I just wish she would know that she is a wonderful, caring nurse.

Tomorrow I must go to my oblate meeting in Morristown.

I am still losing my temper and hollering and cursing. There is no need for this. I must learn to stop. Jesus, please help me find a way to be able to process. There has got to be some way that this hollering, carrying on, bad temper can be stopped.

Today I have learned a great deal about how the brain works and how it relates to epilepsy. The people should know not to use the word epileptic. They should use the word seizure disorder or epilepsy. I do not understand because these people that are saying these things are doctors who should know better. There is still much knowledge that must go out there regarding seizure disorders.

I pray, dear Lord, that things will work out for Deanna. She is a wonderful person. I just wish she would realize it herself. Go to bottom I will now. I’ll go say my evening prayer.

April 23, 2012

Okay now, today, I said my morning prayer. I learned that Jesus sent out the Apostles to do his work. Unless you do it from my father, it shall not happen, whatever it is. I also learned in the office, reading, that it is all about unity, being in unity with our Lord.

Yesterday at our joint oblate meeting, we learned about a saint. I cannot remember anything that happened or what was said because of my memory. This is one of the disadvantages of my brain surgery. I must ask Tom by e-mail what the saint’s name is and what she talked about. Perhaps if I know the name of saint, I could find the information that I need online.

Yesterday’s meeting was a joint meeting from the oblate meeting in Elizabeth and from the Newark Abbey. It was a wonderful success. We all had a good time.

I wish I could find my skeleton watch, then the suction cups for my grabbers. Jesus, please help me find these things.

I will now go shave and get ready for mass.

April 24, 2012

Today, when I got up, I started my morning prayer. I learned today we are all God’s children.

I just got a watch from Deanna. The watch is for my birthday. She gave the watch to me early. It is things like this that should count, said Deanna. I do hope she realizes that things of this nature are important and that she is a wonderful person. Jesus, please help Deanna to let them in.

Deanna and I are now waiting. Hopefully, things for the apartment will work out.

You know, Jesus, things are not going well for Deanna. Please help her with all these problems. She has those doctors to worry about. She has the infection to deal with. I know, Jesus, you will not let me down. I know you never leave me. I can always trust in you, Jesus.

I just put my new watch on. I am not sure if I am supposed to wear it.

I’ve called Barbara. She has assured us that things will work out with this young girl who is going to rent the apartment.

Deanna and I just went to Kohl’s to get my new watch fitted.

I am also very happy that my fear of writing the book is gone.

April 25, 2012

Today is the feast of Saint Mark. Saint Mark was one of the twelve Apostles.

Saint Mark was known for his gospels; however, they came to a point when Saint Mark said very important things in his short gospel.

Today, Deanna and I had to go to the bank because our names in check from the real estate agent were wrong. This may be very inconvenient for us. Deanna doesn’t have much patience. She gets very nervous easily. Jesus, I need your help in this matter.

In trying to fix my e-mail, I messed Dragon and had to reinstall it. Fortunately, I was able to.

I am once again making these funny noises. I am also hollering and swearing a lot. I also need help in this matter. This must be stopped. I do not know why I do this. Please show me a way to stop this. I still need to maintain my faith and my prayer. I must now go to pray my daytime prayer and after that say my contemplative prayer (Lectio Divina).

April 26, 2012

After I got up this morning, I checked the bank to see if the deposit was made into the appropriate account. We are planning for the new tenant to come into the apartment.

Deanna is not very happy with the situation. She feels that everyone in the world is against her. She just told me she is not that happy with what is going on and that people are not being fair to her. She says this is the first time that the tenant has never fulfilled the credit check appropriately as she should.

Deanna is now on the phone with the real estate agent. I hope that Barbara, the real estate agent, helps her handle this entire problem. Jesus, I just want you to help Deanna with all these problems. She is making herself wrong. She feels everyone is picking on her tenant. No one cares about her ever. Jesus, I can no longer discuss anything with her. What am I to do? Every once in a while, she breaks up and makes fun of everything like she should. If she would only do this all the time, she would realize that she is a wonderful person and that everybody loves her and always will.

I learned from my morning prayer that we must always trust in Jesus. I also learned from my contemplative prayer that we can only get to heaven through Jesus.

Deanna has just asked me if I checked with the bank regarding the check. Since Peter is not going to church, I’m going to stay at home to help Deanna. She does not want to go to the bank today.

I have also sent an e-mail to Greg, asking if he has received the CD for my book. I am not sure whether I sent it through registered mail. I would have liked to send another one (CD). However, Deanna feels that this was already done, and there is no point in arguing.

To me, it does not matter spending money, taking it to the post office, but I will not argue about it. It is not worth it.

Jesus, please help Deanna realize that no one is picking on her. She is making herself wrong. She says that people do not understand her, but she does not talk right. Please make her realize that she is as good as anyone else. Deanna cleans the house, puts my clothes out for me. She also makes me a wonderful breakfast.

I have just got up from my nap. Jesus, I’m still having lack of patience. I’m also swearing, hollering, etc. There still is no need for this. I am still making funny noises with my mouth. I have still been very clumsy. Yes, I know. I will concede to that, but I will not concede to being sloppy. I think that if I weren’t so sloppy, I could help myself not to fall so much. Jesus, please help me with my memory.

The reading from evening prayer showed me that Jesus died for my welfare. He loves me very much. He died for my so that I may have everlasting life with him in heaven. Jesus, please allow me to maintain my positive attitude. Sometimes I feel I am not accomplishing anything. I know what I do every day does count. This fact must remain in my character.

April 27, 2012

When I got up this morning, I learned that Jesus through his Father, that we can get to heaven if we allowed Jesus to guide us. This way, we will always get to heaven no matter what happens.

Jesus, I am still making those weird sounds. Every time I try to hold on to something, when I’m falling, or when I grab something, I always need to make some kind of a noise, which is inappropriate. Somehow, Jesus, this must stop, Jesus, I need your prayer. I need you to be with me so that I can begin not to do this, and I am still hollering when something happens.

Deanna is still upset with regard to someone helping her. If she would only realize she could make things much easier if she agreed to bring the washer upstairs or move from this house. Things could be much better for both of us. We are not getting any better or younger.

Jesus, please make Greg answer me by e-mail and told me that he received my CD for my manuscript. Give me optimism that there will be a book. You have helped me with my manuscript. I know it will take time for the book. Give me the patience to wait. Jesus, please help me to make the book happen. I know you will.

Jesus, please give me the strength to be with Deanna. I really need your help to do this. Give her the strength to realize she can make things better for herself. Jesus, please inspire Deanna to realize this can happen. She is a wonderful person. Please help her to see this, Jesus. I know you will.

I have just woken up from my nap. After reading my e-mail, I found out the book will happen for sure. It is now in the copyright stage. This means that the book will be published. As time goes on, the price will be established. The spelling will be corrected.

Thank you, Jesus, for making it possible for the book to happen.

I have just said my evening prayer.

April 28, 2012

After getting up this morning, I said my morning prayer. I then said my contemplative prayer (Lectio Divina). I learned that the only way you can get to heaven is to go through Jesus to his Father.

I also think now the tension that Deanna may have will soon get better now that the new tenant has arrived. The new tenant seems to be a very nice young girl. The new tenant is an art major, and I know things will work out. She is a wonderful person.

Jesus, I thank you for making my book happen. You do not know how much it means to me that you have never left me through the process. I will have a person from the publishing company and the copyright company to help me through the entire process. They are well aware of it being my first time and have told me not to worry.

I have just read some of the rules of Saint Benedict. It taught me not to be proud of myself and to be a server of the people around me. They are just as good as I am. I should not be proud or think that I am better than other people or consider myself more important that they are because this will be totally out of my character and defeat the purpose of my life. I must realize that this is what I said in my book, and if I said this, I must practice what I preach; otherwise, the book will have no purpose.

April 30, 2012

I wish Deanna would stop blaming herself. I just wish she would realize that no one is picking on her. She just asked me how much more I want her to do. I am not asking her to do anything. I offered not to go to church and asked if she wants. Jesus, I’m trying to help her. Please help her realize that everyone is trying to help her and that she does not have to do everything alone. There is plenty of help around. Jesus, I need your guidance to give me the strength to deal with this and help me maintain my attitude.

Jesus, please inspire Deanna that she can have anything she wants. It is not the case of money because between the two of us we are not rich, but we are not poor either. She can go out, she can get her car, and she has the money to do so. However, she beats herself up. This is not true. Everyone cares for her and loves her. She just does not want to let us in. Thank you very much for helping me with my book. It is finally going to be printed. It is now in the copyright stage. The corrections and spellings are also being checked. This means it is going to be printed.

Jesus, please inspire me and help me deal with this situation with Deanna. I do care about her. She can spend the money because she has the money, but she does not want to let go of it.

May 1, 2012

Today, when I got up, I said my morning prayer. I read Acts 9. It dealt with the disciples’ receiving of the Holy Spirit. Peter gave many miracles through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Today, after my Lectio Divina (my contemplative prayer), I learned that if I follow Jesus Christ and obey his commandments, he will always be with me no matter what.

Today as I was helping t Deanna with the groceries, I fell. This is one of my many faults. This could have been prevented. I must see in the future that I should look where I’m going. Then I lost the knob on the lamp. However, I looked through the junk that accumulates. I was able to find some that work.

Deanna is still upset and blames herself with what happened. She should realize she is not required to do this. She should be able to take care of herself. She can and should do this. Everyone cares for her if she would only realize that. Jesus, please inspire her to realize this. There is no need for her to lay out my clothes in the morning, to feed me breakfast, get the lunch. She is not required to do this. She brings all this on herself.

Unfortunately, because of my not driving, I’ve got to take responsibility for them to help. This is not a pity party for me. It is because I must take responsibility for being who I am.

Jesus, I just got to finish looking at some porn. This was an inappropriate thing for me to do. I am once again truly, truly sorry. Please give me the strength and the faith to really overcome this. It is not necessary for this to happen. I really need the strength and the faith to stop this. Please do not let it affect my computer. I am now going take appropriate action so that it does stop.

May 2, 2012

Jesus, before I continue with my diary, I need your help and support once again.

For some reason, I looked at an inappropriate sex site. This must stop immediately.

I must again ask for your help to give me the strength and the faith and the fortitude.

I need to find the reason why I am still constantly doing this. I am doing it again and again and again. Every other day I look at these inappropriate sites, which really do not work for me. They are not healthy for me.

Today, when I got up, I saw that Peter and the other Apostles did not want Jesus to leave them. He gave them the strength and the willingness to have faith to preach good news to others. Pilate called Jesus a king. Oh, you are a king? Jesus replied to Pilate, My kingdom is not of this world. I was born into this world to testify to the truth. But Pilate said, I am the king. Then Pilate had Jesus scourged. After this, the soldiers twisted some thorns into a crown and put them on Jesus’s head. They kept coming at Jesus saying, Hail, king of the Jews, and they slapped him in the face, and then the guards shouted, Crucify him. Crucify him. Then, after coming out of the Praetorium, Pilate said, I see no fault with this man, and then they led Jesus off to be crucified.

Jesus, Deanna is not happy today. Please inspire her and help her with what she is going through. I have faith in you, Jesus, that you can handle this. Give me the insight so I may keep a positive attitude regarding all this.

Once again, I must stop this inappropriate watching of the sex and porn sites. Please give me a strong faith. I’m so excited about my book. I will now say my evening prayer.

May 3, 2012

This is the feast of Saint James and Saint Philip, the Apostles. They were two of the twelve Apostles that Jesus chose to spread the word all over the world.

If the book is published and sold, I intend to do it in a small part of the United States. I do not believe that the book will ever get that far to cover the world. I’m so proud of myself that I was able to cope with this. I had a lot of fun doing this. It took a number of years to do it, but it was well worth it.

Today I feel very much for what Deanna has gone through. It is hard for her to go through this because of her character. She is not feeling well. Jesus, please help her cope with this. And please give me the strength so that I am able to cope with this situation.

Please give me the faith not to get back into this porn and sex deal. I really appeal to you. It does not need to happen. I am a much better person than this. Allow me to maintain my strong faith, strength, and positive attitude.

Jesus, please allow me to take things day by day and not look so much in the future but look in the present. I think that through my daytime and evening prayer, I will get the strength to carry me through my life. I know you will never ever leave me. You will always be with me.

It gives me a great feeling that I am helping those with seizure disorders. I now will go through with my online chat room and continue to help others with epilepsy.

May 4, 2012

As soon as I got up, I said my morning prayer. Today I found out that we must allow our brothers to be who they are. Oftentimes we disagree with the people we run into. Sometimes we get very mad at them because of what they say to us. We must care for them no matter what or how we feel. They are human beings just like us. I received in my e-mail a very, very good example of how we should be. Everybody comes into our life for a reason. We may not realize it at the time. Now you know whatever we see in the other person that we do not like, what we are really doing is looking at ourselves and seeing ourselves in the other person.

Deanna is still feeling very, very bad. She has an infection. Jesus, please help her with what she is going through.

Today I must check on my oblate meeting to make sure it is the right date because the last time I checked the newsletter from St. Mary’s Abbey, it was wrong. I will check on it to make sure the date is correct. It is May 20, 2012. I have already sent an e-mail to Tom Stiff to ask him if the date is correct. I do not choose to go to the oblate meeting if the day is wrong.

As usual, Deanna made me a wonderful lunch. She also laid out my clothes for me. These are the kinds of things that Deanna does for me. She does not have to do this, but I love her for it. This is one of her wonderful qualities. I just wish that she would give herself some credit for this and not make herself wrong. Deanna does a wonderful job, and she is a wonderful person. I just wish she would let all that in.

I have just become an advocate for epilepsy online. This will be a great experience for me since I cannot drive. I will be able to help many others not to go through what I went through, and this will be a very good feeling for me. I also know that my book, if and when it is printed and if it sells, will be able to help many others. It is very, very nice that I will be able to do this.

Deanna was very upset this morning because the washer would not work for a while. There was a dish towel stuck in the agitator, but I was able