A Practical Guide to a Successful Relationship & Marriage

By Maimbolwa Muliwana

REVEALED MARRIAGE MURDERING MISTAKES THAT NO MARRIAGE COUNSELOR WILL DARE TELL YOU ABOUT (# 3 & 4 WILL BLOW YOUR MIND)
1.HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED?
Have you wondered that the rates of separation and divorce are increasing despite marriage teachings/ counseling, marriage vows & marriage certificates among the rich, the poor, the middle class, the educated and uneducated?
Have you not noticed that some persons who were better in life went down in most of their areas (productivity, performance, progression, health, social/ spiritual life) after their marriage?
You could be one of the few that may lay hands on these rare & unique principles in this book. Listen carefully! Many are teaching so much information in so many points (15, 25 or 30 ways) to make a marriage work but I tell you that you cannot remember all such. It is NOT possible. There is a unique way that you shall learn whether your memory is poor or good because the principles shall just be part of you since they are NATURE BASED. The 5, 10, 15, 20 love languages will not DO it because there are hundreds or thousands of ways LOVE can be expressed through TWO channels without you stressing your brain to remember the number of love languages that are taught. The 15 ways of making your husband or wife happy or trust you shall not do it because you cannot remember all these numbers for every marriage subject that has been taught like this.
2.IAM A VICTIM OF SUCH TEACHINGS
I have passed through marriage challenges and failure despite passing through marriage counseling, making vows, mastering the 5 to 15 love languages and so on. I was made to make vows ignorantly without being well equipped but I was taught to memorize the 25 ways of making a woman happy, the various numbers of love languages, being 100% faithful and honesty to my wife and I thought these were going to work. That did not work but instead worked against me and you will learn why.
EXAMPLES OF SOME OF THE MISTAKES MURDERING MARRIAGES
(a)MISTAKE #1: Failing to regard marriage as an institution where clearly defined roles in a Marriage Job Description that is agreed upon by both partners exist. Hence, entering into marriage without an Agreement. Theoretically, we say it is a Covenant but a Covenant that is without conditions and expectations is VAIN.
(b)MISTAKE #2: Assumed ways of making your partner happy. There are no assumed ways of making your partner happy that can be 100% effective. In fact some of them may work against you. In as much as there are common factors there are also different preferences. The 15 or 20 or 30 ways you have been taught are hard to remember, not practical and some of them even though they may sound good may be a thorn in the flesh to your partner.
(c)MISTAKE #3: The 5 or 10 or 15 or 20 Love Languages that you have been taught are a serious limitation to fully expressing your love in unlimited ways. What about those whose memory is poor? Learn one easy way of expressing love in unlimited or thousand ways in an effective language without much memory hustle.
(d)MISTAKE #4: Various ways of being intimate against the powerful stream of nature. Hence, couples become intimate for a certain period of time but later this intimacy dies down because it is tiring and not sustainable. Kindly learn how to be intimate in a natural way without getting tired and probably even during your old age because you are in line with nature. For example, one of the POWERFUL LASTING ways is to use the 5 senses which shall deeply bond you and make it HARD to be separated except by DEATH.
(e)MISTAKE #5: Being ONE only in the FLESH is a serious mistake. You shall learn how to be ONE in other key areas. If you are one only by this method then it is easier to separate or divorce. Your marriage can only survive by CHANCE.
NOTE: You do not need to memorize these mistakes but the presentation of the material will help you to internalize without much of memory hustl

• Language: English
• Publisher: Maimbolwa Muliwana
• Release date: Apr 23, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005574284

Maimbolwa Muliwana

The author was born in a family of seven and has a humble background full of lessons and experience. He is both an Engineer and Development worker by profession. He has two sons namely Thabo and Tapelo.He has had various work responsibilities ranging from field work to Regional manager and Branch Manager Positions in two different Water and Sanitation Companies in Zambia. Currently he is the Country Coordinator of a Community Based Organization which he founded with likeminded individuals and this is focusing in Education, Community Empowerment, Health and Water & Sanitation thematic areas. He gained this knowledge, skills and experience from an International Donor Organization where he implemented various projects and helped various Zambia based NGOs to develop and implement projects, and sometimes chaired the Organization Projects Committee whose chair was on rotational basis. During this period he provided technical guidance to a number of Zambian based NGOs which thrived successfully in their community reach out programs and projects.He is also a trainer and through this skill and talent he has conducted “Relationships and Marriage” workshops in Zambia, South Africa and Lesotho. Many people‘s relationships and marriages had dramatic positive turn around. It is from such amazing impacts that many people have been requesting the author to write a book which would reach more than the ones he was reaching through workshops and Facebook posts.

Book preview

A Practical Guide to a

Successful Relationship

& Marriage

Maimbolwa Muliwana

Copyright © 2021 Maimbolwa Muliwana

Published by Maimbolwa Muliwana Publishing at Smashwords

First edition 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Published by Maimbolwa Muliwana using Reach Publishers’ services,

P O Box 1384, Wandsbeck, South Africa, 3631

Edited by Sue Taylor for Reach Publishers

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

Website: www.reachpublishers.org

E-mail: [e-mail]

Maimbolwa Muliwana

[e-mail]

Contents

Introduction

Humankind

Selection of A Partner

Preparations Before Marriage

Marriage Description

Marriage Covenant

Relationship States for Bonding and Relating

Foundations of Marriage

Strengths of Marriage

Marriage Job Description (Constitution)

Headship in a Family

Communication in Relationships and Marriages

Marriage and Relationships Tests

Barriers – Beliefs and Practices

Foundation Structure

Impact of Failed Relationships and Marriages

A Happy, Successful Marriage

Chapter 1

Introduction

1.1THE NEED – WHY THE BOOK

Most marriages today have become war rooms, prisons, or torture chambers full of violence, selfishness, greediness, lies and unfaithfulness instead of being places of paradise that should inspire many. If you want to see sad people, simply check most married couples. This is because many people – even married ones – do not know the meaning and purpose of marriage.

Many have their hearts broken and abused in relationships and marriages so that they become gripped by doubt and uncertainties and the fear of being in any relationship or marriage again. Relationships and marriages are supposed to be channels of good, joy, love and blessing instead of what many have turned them into today.

How many men and women are in these relationships and marriages that have been transformed into torture chambers and lakes of fire? Why can’t spouses be channels of good, joy and love to each other? The aim of this book is to try and provide guidance and formulae to be used to provide solutions to various challenges and problems in these relationships, and also to help prevent them. Many relationship and marriage mentors and counsellors have been trained yet the situation is getting worse in terms of the rate of failed relationships. The problem is that couples are being given proposed solutions instead of teaching them guidance and formulae for them to use in solving the diverse challenges that they may face in their relationship journeys.

Many marriages start well but due to various reasons and factors end up being eroded in communication, intimacy, passion, commitment, respect and strength. Some may not break down entirely, yet they are like prisons and torture chambers. Some, however, end up in divorce leading to many broken families, and children left with little or no social protection in family structures. Failed marriages are not only those marriages that end up in divorce but include those still together although with poor marriage principles.

In terms of failure in relationships, especially marriage, the author has experienced and knows the pain of shame, stigmatization, rejection, mockery and the loss of a voice, or the power to be heard, as many started considering him as one that could not advise and guide others for fear that his advice and guidance would lead them to similar failure. Nevertheless, failure and the associated pain have been his teacher. All this was for his good and the good of masses globally.

1.2PURPOSE OF BOOK

The purpose of this book is to equip persons in, and intending to be in, relationships and marriages to have success. The readers shall be equipped with proven knowledge and skills most of which may seem to be new yet are true. This book reveals neglected, hidden and unknown truths that shall increase the potential for success in relationships and marriages.

The first step to failure is entering into marriage without understanding what it is and the associated marriage roles and responsibilities. Many rush to enter into marriage for sex (intimacy), yet are not really ready to accept and be committed to the required roles and responsibilities. Entering into marriage without the necessary preparation, is failure before the actual marriage. Each one must be mentored, taught to acquire the necessary knowledge, trained to acquire skills and should be guided to have the correct reasons for marrying.

This book disqualifies external interference as the sole excuse for marriage failure because a solidly united couple shall face every challenge and problem as a union and not as separate entities.

1.3TARGETED AUDIENCE

This book is good for the unmarried (ready for marriage or intending to marry), the married, the divorced or persons from failed relationships or marriages, persons about to reconcile or in a reconciliation process, and also marriage counsellors or mentors, that they may appropriately and effectively train, equip, prepare, counsel and mentor both the unmarried and the married. It is a good guide for both preventive and curative counselling. Marriage counsellors shall discover that the best and most effective way to help a couple (even if dealing with a familiar problem), is to teach them how to use marriage formulae and principles to solve their own problems. Formulae and principles are more reliable than giving couples steps or already solved answers which may not be correct due to a variety of issues, challenges and problems. Formulae and principles will include in the solution equation all the factors and root causes of the problem.

Many think that they are qualified to be a husband or wife sexually, financially and by age. Those are not all of the qualifications. One should also be qualified in knowledge, skills and character. Many husbands and wives are not qualified because they lack the necessary knowledge and skills. Even though they may be in a marriage, they behave and make decisions as though they were still single. Are you qualified to be a spouse (husband or wife)? Do you know and fulfil your marriage job description? Do you know what marriage is and what it takes to manage it well?

1.4FOCUS OF BOOK

The focus of this book is to enhance success in relationships and marriages. It is not limited to any one marriage category but it is beneficial to every marriage type, whether civil or traditional or faith/ religious marriages. The aim of this focus is to strengthen success by promoting the necessary but neglected, hidden and unknown principles that are most able to build relationships and marriages. This book may be found useful in strengthening a marriage, regardless of the marriage category. Therefore, the focus of this book is every relationship and marriage involving a male and a female.

1.5EXPECTED BENEFITS

Families are the most important units of society for raising children, educating and training them, and providing their needs including social protection. Due to the pain of broken families and homes arising from failed relationships and marriages, our generation is raising abused, neglected, rejected, unhappy, angry and unkind children. This is a time bomb!

This book aims to impact positively the present and future generations. Strong, united, productive and healthy family units lead to productive and healthy communities and countries. Everything starts at family and household level, and this book seeks to impact families positively for the benefit of communities, countries and our global village. The breaking down of family units leaving no social protection structures for children, is as good as destroying communities and countries.

This book shall promote and enhance an understanding of marriage, its purpose, marriage roles, love language and personalities, thereby enhancing unity leading to the following:

happy and united families

healthy home environments

highly productive families

healthy relationships and marriages

socially and emotionally healthy children and couples.

The knowledge that will be acquired in this book shall guide the selection of compatible partners as well as increasing compatibility levels for those already married.

1.6CONTENT DESCRIPTION (WHAT READERS SHALL LEARN)

The reader shall learn what marriage is, its purpose and proper reasons for marriage, marriage roles and responsibilities, formulating an effective and appropriate marriage job description, how to strengthen the marriage bond, how to be one and also journey as one, expressing the most appropriate love language that is understood by both spouses, as well as practical partner selection.

The reader shall also learn the most effective ways of communicating (mind to mind and heart to heart), thereby enhancing understanding of each other. Most divisions, separations and divorces have their foundation right back in misunderstanding, intolerance and lack of forgiveness. Men and women often fail to understand each other in functionality, reasoning and responses when it comes to marriages. This book shall try to bridge the understanding gap by trying to expound on who a man and a woman are, thereby promoting effectiveness in relating well with each other. Most men do not understand women and vice versa. You cannot relate well with a person you do not understand well. The reader will become an expert at developing marriage job descriptions by considering a spouse’s realistic expectations and also the standard marriage roles and responsibilities. Every marriage is supposed to have a goal and vision. For example, your marriage goal could be, To have a successful, united and happy marriage where children are nurtured well. Happiness does not just happen without working for it. One must know what factors promote happiness and one should commit to them daily. Many couples expect happiness to come without effort or to come through magic. This also applies to unity and success in marriage.

The reader shall also learn simple key formulae to resolve diverse kinds of issues and challenges that may be faced in the marriage journey. Without this knowledge and skill, it is almost impossible to achieve your marriage goal in whatever marriage journey you are undertaking. Furthermore, the book shall explain the expected categories of marriage tests or trials in order to prepare couples adequately. Learning about 10, 20, or 30 marriage tests cannot cover all the diverse kinds of trials you may face, but the three key test categories that will be revealed in this book shall most likely cover them, however many tests you may face.

The reader should expect to find at the end of each chapter a lesson (topic) summary statement to refresh the memory of the reader and quotes from the author, to strengthen the understanding of the topic.

DISCLAIMER – PROVISO

The author has used the term job description to help him convey the vital point of spouse’s roles and responsibilities required in marriage in comparison with other institutions.

The author decided to use selected scriptures from the Bible to help explain certain principles. So if the reader does not believe in the Bible, the author is requesting that the reader should just focus on and try to ascertain the principles indicated. The author was ready to quote from any source to help strengthen an understanding of the principles. The author wishes you happy reading!

Chapter 2

Humankind

2.1DESCRIPTION OF HUMANKIND

In the context of relationships and marriage, humankind is well described as follows. Humankind is a relational being whose relationship needs are friendship, trust, companionship, respect and communication, among others. These key elements give satisfaction in a relationship. This understanding shall help to build and strengthen every relationship.

According to the common understanding or dictionary definition, relationship is the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected. It is also the state of being connected by blood or marriage. Marriage is not the only relationship and therefore this does not mean that those unmarried cannot find satisfaction in relationship needs. In terms of relationship, no man or woman can be an island and easily enjoy good welfare and a balanced life as we humans are dependent upon one another. We need relationships, not necessarily limited to marriage only. Humans need to communicate. Humans need friendship. Humans need trust and companionship. This refers to every person, married or unmarried, man or woman. Every relationship needs to be nurtured for growth and protection from being destroyed or from dying down.

Figure 1: Relationship Needs (Social, Emotional and Spiritual needs)

2.2HUMANKIND’S NEEDS

God created people in His own image as spiritual, social, emotional and physical beings. God created people to enjoy spirituality (with spiritual connection), to enjoy a social aspect (fellowship, communication, friendship, relating, etc.), and to enjoy an emotional aspect (joy, peace, love, intimacy, respect, etc.), as well as to enjoy His care for our physical bodies. People have spiritual, social, emotional and physical needs.

A relationship is a spiritual or social or emotional connection or a combination of these. A relationship connection is therefore a spiritual connection or a social connection or an emotional connection or a combination of any two or three of these.

Figure 2: Humankind’s Needs (Relationship and Physical needs)

If leaders in any institution, people in various relationships, families, congregations and communities, know that every person has spiritual, social, emotional and physical needs, then they will be more appropriately supportive to one another and life shall be easier and nicer. Living a balanced life revolves around supporting and meeting these needs (spiritual, social, emotional and physical).

Many talk about being emotionally intelligent but that alone is not enough. We should be spiritually intelligent, socially intelligent, emotionally intelligent and bodily or physically intelligent, because we need to live balanced lives. Being well balanced in all these aspects makes a good leader, a good student, a good counsellor, a good teacher, and makes one productive and healthy.

2.3PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Healthy relationships are productive and beneficial to both or all persons or entities who are involved in them. A healthy and productive relationship contributes to the joy and well-being of the persons involved. Humankind thrives through relationship connections hence the various terms like friendship, friends, partners, networking, team, family, societies and communities. All these are connections. In healthy and productive relationships, the involved persons or entities appreciate each other’s roles and help each other to reach their full potential. A healthy relationship is not a destructive competition but upholds fairness and justice to both or all. It promotes team spirit where each one is respected and embraced. When the sense of belonging is strong, then each party shall contribute well to the relationship. A productive relationship is more upbuilding and has mutual benefits. A relationship driven by fear, threats, manipulation, lying, injustice or blackmail cannot be healthy and productive. Both the relationship itself and the persons and entities in the relationship should be respected. There is need for some adaptation through learning, growth, guidance, correction, and through appropriate responses to external influences or pressures working for or against the relationship. Both parties have to be willing to be taught and corrected.

Meeting relationship needs fairly shall establish and keep relationships. Outward beauty alone without this cannot establish a long-lasting relationship. Beauty with an empty head, without wisdom, without knowledge and skills is very inadequate. Many because of being handsome and beautiful neglect other vital attributes since they trust and rely solely on their beauty which may fade away. The counsel is that to outward beauty one should add inner beauty for one to be balanced in life and relationships.

2.3.1THOU SHALT NOT KILL - RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGE

Many think that the commandment in Exodus 20:13 is limited to physical killing but this also refers to killing a person socially, emotionally, economically, spiritually and their potential such that it is as good as being physically dead. Most relationships and marriages have killed a lot of partners and the lives of children and dependents.

Many spouses have killed each other in the following areas:

SOCIALLY – the social life of each or both partners is completely taken away just like those people in prison

EMOTIONALLY - partners cannot express their emotions due to various reasons and barriers such as fear, intimidation, certain beliefs and lack of a living relationship connection

ECONOMICALLY - some partners have a parasitic mind-set instead of a productive mind-set which destroys their partner’s economic strengths and potential

POTENTIAL & ABILITIES

CALLING - every person has a life calling to do with appropriate gifts and talents, which may be hindered, causing the other partner, especially women, to fail to achieve their life callings because of lack of support and encouragement

PURPOSE - God created every person, man and woman, with a purpose to achieve or fulfil in life, and a good marriage will not hinder or destroy a partner’s life purpose

CAREER - some partners after getting married have their careers or goals hindered due to lack support and encouragement; some are bluntly told to choose between their career and marriage without being encouraged to undertake an alternative career if their career is found to be inappropriate by their partner

CONFIDENCE & COURAGE - many partners, especially the females, have their confidence and courage eroded or taken away when they married due to various reasons like fear, intimidation and certain beliefs, but God’s will is that every man and woman should be courageous. Read Joshua 1:8.

The affected partner is excluded from decision making and planning in the relationship and marriage. They are deterred from participation. Therefore, marrying an incompatible partner is very likely to lead to a downfall.

SUMMARY STATEMENT

A person is a relational being with spiritual, emotional, social and physical needs. Some of the key relationship needs are friendship, trust, companionship, respect and communication. A healthy relationship is productive because it empowers fairly and contributes to the joy and well-being of the persons involved. When one is accepted, appreciated and respected in a relationship, one is motivated to be more productive and to participate, nurture and protect the relationship.

QUOTES FROM AUTHOR

A relationship or marriage without right fellowship and effective communication is as good as dead.

True and real friendship or relationship is more empowering than destroying.

Many relationships have brought tears and erased people’s smiles.

"Many, including relationship and