Because I'm Alone...

By Egne Talvik

How did one year become so important that I wrote a book about it?

I was 27 years old. My depressive periods and euphoric periods had been going on for almost 15 years. I've had let my life become something terrible and sad. And I hated myself for it.

This is my story of how I did came out of it. Without any pills or doctors. 

More than 15 years of living only in my head. While my real actions were depended on my moods. And I did not know how to control my moods.

But I found my way to the other end.

And this is what I went through and how I did it.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Egne Talvik
• Release date: Apr 4, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393093527

Egne Talvik

Egne was born in 1989 in Estonia. In a small village on the southeast side. Of course, when she was born Estonia was occupied since WW2. But became free 2 years later. She is the 5th child of 7. She grew up with a hard-working mother in poverty. Growing up in a country that was so new that it didn't know how to be a country. She has been writing since she was 12. But she has always been unstable. Having no direction and purpose. Battling with her mental health and her own understanding of life. Because it was never the same as the others.

Book preview

95% of this book’s content is an outtake from my diary. From the year of 2017. And when I say a diary, I mean a random, the cheapest kind of, notebook that I happened to have.

1 Because...

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1.  ...I have a fantasy.

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I have a fantasy.

I have a fantasy, because I don’t know how to be real.

Because I’m afraid to say my own thoughts out loud.

I think all the time. Every situation that has already happened. Every theoretical situation that could or should happen.

I think if I maybe think too much. And if it is so, how should I correct myself.

I have logical thoughts about my everyday life. And then there is all that is theoretical. Everything that could have happened when things would’ve been different; everything that might start happening; everything that is possible in my life.

Only my imagination is the limit and my imagination is limitless.

But how do I know if my thoughts are real or only fantasy if I never say them out loud?

I often think about it...

But right now, I am totally alone, in my thoughts, with my fantasies.

A total stranger once looked at me.

It happened recently and he looked at me.

He looked me in the eye.

I looked back and none of us moved. It lasted for too long. So long that it became weird, but I liked it. None of us looked away.

That is of course a lie...

Because if that would be true then I would have been standing, for about few months now, at the same spot. On the street, staring an unfamiliar man.

So, for the sake of the truth, I was the first to turn my eyes away and then he did the same. We both obviously felt weird and realized how inappropriate it was.

He walked on with his, I’m going to assume very drunk, friends and I walked on with my child, who were still in her baby carriage, to get back to my life.

That moment stuck with me.

We are in the street, walking on a sidewalk. Going to walk past each other. Our eyes meet.

Stuff like this happen, but he didn’t turn his eyes away.

And neither did I.

He is still watching me.

And I am watching him.

It was a big step from childish staring. If it would be any other similar case, we would have stopped immediately.

But we just carried on.

No emotions.

No purpose.

We did not fall in love from the first sight.

We made no effort to introduce ourselves.

It was weird.

It was unnatural.

But it was enough to start months of talking with myself.

Imagining things.

Serious type of self-observing. The real kind and a metaphorical one.

Forced honesty about my own life.

And admitting to myself that something about me is seriously wrong.

And so, my fantasy began.

So, begins another fantasy. Which range number is so big that I wouldn’t be able to know it even if I wanted do.

So began a fantasy. And this time it started from reality.

Right now, I am in the middle of my everyday life. In the store, choosing food for diner.

Thinking thoughts that are normal for me.

If I spend 10€ today in store then I will have another 15€ for food for whole week. But I really would like something good.

Already I am imagining myself eating chocolate cake at home. Yet I have to buy energy drink. At least two bottles. Because that is my one vice.

For years I haven’t really drunk alcohol; I have never been a smoker; drugs really don’t work on me. But energy drinks, those I drink, for some reason, way too much.

It’s better if I buy 3 right now then I don’t have to come to store tomorrow. My thoughts will keep going. It’s nothing special. Totally normal. Everyday thing.

I know I don’t want to cook. I actually don’t even want to eat anything. Just the idea of eating makes me feel sick in my stomach.

Why don’t you just buy energy drinks then? He asks from me.

But while drinking those I would be happy eating that cake at the same time. But that's 4€. And drinks are 3€.

What do you eat when you don’t have any more money?

I will worry about that when it happens.

But then buy potatoes. Boil them. Or fry them. Do anything!

"I won’t do that.

Stop being stupid!" I am getting angry.

Ready meals?? He says with enthusiasm while being slightly careful.

Yes. That is an idea. I’m happy.

And I don’t even notice that someone else in my head is talking with me.

It is so natural.

Like he would belong there.

Now I can go pay. I will get ready meals. That’s 3-4€. Two bottles of energy drink. And a cheap chocolate.

Will see, how money works out in the future.

I'm happy that there is a friendly cashier today. Cashiers are often only grown-ups I get to speak during a day.

Because my boyfriend has been working far from home lately. He comes home only in every two weeks or so. And I am happy for it.

He’s home only for couple of days and all this time he only wants to rest or eat or drink or to have sex.

I, in the other hand, haven’t had a chance to sleep properly for over a year, because my little child can’t sleep.

And even if we do talk, me and my boyfriend, it seems like we are only talking about things that suits Him. Thing that only involve Him but somehow make my life harder. And more and more we are having a discussion about how I am a bad girlfriend to Him. And I should work harder for us, for our home, for our child and mostly for Him.

But He is not home right now.

And I am in store.

Please. Cashier is giving me my change.

Thank you. While trying gather all my things as fast as possible.

Your baby is so big already. You just were walking with that big belly. She adds friendly.

Yes...Well...She is growing fast... I mumble quietly while smiling back to her.

Cashier is already dealing with her next customer. I am putting my stuff under the baby carrier and will continue this conversation in my head.

I know. It was just yesterday that I had to throw clothes from her closet away because they were too small for her. Now that would have been a proper answer.

And to that belly thing I would have said friendly. Time really is going fast when you have a small child.

But how is her health? Perhaps she would have asked.

I would have smiled and answer politely. Not bad overall. She had a little cough and a runny nose. But luckily, for now, it’s all gone.

Have a nice day!

Good bye!

But no, I had to mumble like I always do.

Why can’t I talk like a normal human being?

Imagined conversations in my head. It comes so naturally that I don’t even notice when they begin

And by now, I have to make a serious effort to make them stop.

A man who name I don’t even know, but whose eyes are hunting me.

I can feel those eyes observing me. Just looking me with no purpose.

Just because they want to.

And I like this feeling.

I stare a stranger once and he will stay hunt me in my thoughts. Like part of him is walking beside of me now and has an opinion about everything I do and think.

The moment we met was confusing.

First, for a moment, I felt shame. Because there was this potential that I made a total fool of myself in front of total strangers.

And then I felt vain. Thinking that maybe he thinks I’m so pretty that he just can’t stop looking at me.

And then I felt special. Like I am something more than a woman to whom men only give attention when they trying to figure out if they have a shot to have sex with me.

And then I felt like I am someone. Someone, who is important enough to affect a stranger's life. Because maybe he was hunted by me too.

First time, after a very long time, I felt important.

And it didn’t go away.

That feeling was left with me like a shadow.

...like I am someone.

My child has fallen asleep in my lap.

I watch her thoughtfully and try to figure out what kind of a responsibility I have taken upon myself.

"Her whole life is depended on her childhood.

How many friends she has? Does she have any?

Maybe she will be like me?

I am the one who is raising her.

All daughters will end up like their mothers.

Maybe she will be just as miserable?"

Maybe your love will be enough for her?

"I love her. There is doubt in that.

And you can grow up happy in poverty.

As long as you have someone who takes care of you. Who will love you."

And you love her.

And I love her.

I watch my child and calm down.

She can feel everything that I can feel. So, I will only be happy.

It’s all I need.

This is how I spend my days.

Alone, with my small child, thinking my thoughts.

Simple surviving is replaced by keeping someone else alive. But, to extension of keeping her alive, I am also responsible for her whole life and future.

Me, who’s planned to end her own life for too many times.

Who has been reflecting anger toward herself by drinking too much and just eating poorly.

Me, who