A Mere Candle

By Steve Rieman

It’s been about three years now and things have greatly changed for Brad Reid. The domesticated life that he had returned to, no longer seemed to make much sense to him anymore and eventually his marriage suffered and his work performance declined drastically. Something was happening to him and he began to seek answers without even knowing exactly what the questions were. Isolated, alone, and living a lifestyle that continued to drain him, the stress finally became too much for him and he began to pray to the Universe for help and guidance in dealing with the growing turmoil that was depleting him of his life’s happiness and energies. And he got it. Once his silent plea was sent out to the powers that be, things began to move fast. He had a shocking interaction with a stranger that left him confused, frustrated and with restless thoughts. Shortly after, he decided it was time to take action. Alone, he temporarily relocated to an area of the high desert in Southern California, where he had grown up, and began his spiritual quest. He soon understood that what was happening to him was necessary but he never could have known exactly what was in store for him. He began to have mystic encounters and experiences which made his New Mexico trip seem tame in comparison. Suddenly and coincidentally, Jack re-emerges to help Brad out with his new and intense spiritual awakening and he reveals to Brad some of the secrets which had been shrouded for so long concerning his New Mexico trip with Nick and Jason. Brad’s new discoveries send him tumbling down an amazing, psychedelic and spiritual rabbit hole, which upon inevitable emergence; alter his life’s destiny on earth forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gatekeeper Press
• Release date: Dec 24, 2020
• ISBN: 9781662906930

Book preview

me.

Chapter 1

An endless sea of ever shifting, shadowed, white sand dunes, spreading out like an enchanted, living entity of fluctuating energy under the night sky. Carved rock canyons with their many ledged layers and cliffs, glowing beautifully in the rising moon’s light. The brilliance and sparkle of stars beyond counting; creating a mesmerizing tapestry overhead.

That was what he saw. At least in his mind’s eye.

Then those images began to fade and suddenly it was bright out and he saw desert mountains crisscrossing through wide valleys that stretched out for miles in the distance. There were large sandy washes and small ravines interspersed with the rest of the landscape along with Joshua Trees of all heights, shapes and sizes. He pictured the sun setting in those mountains, casting auras of bright red, tangerine and lemon yellow as it disappeared into the horizon and then he heard a voice from far away, calling out to him.

Sir? Sir…? Anything else for you?

What? Oh, sorry...no, that’s it, Brad answered absently, snapping out of his trance-like state.

He picked up his bag of groceries and shuffled out the front door of the little market, feeling defeated. It was a feeling all too familiar to him and one he had been accustomed to living with these past few years, however, it had become even worse these last few months and he felt himself seriously slipping away.

Slowly driving out of the parking lot, he began to reflect on the series of circumstances that had led him there; even though he always tried to avoid it for it never did him any good. It had been close to three years since he and Melanie had divorced and though he had legal visitation with his son and daughter; he rarely saw them much these days. They were in their mid-teens now and between sports and hanging out with their friends, they were seldom available to spend any extra time with him; let alone even the time that was legally granted. Of course he could enforce the court order but that would only cause them to resent him even more and that was the last thing he wanted. The kids had had a terrible time with the divorce and never came to understand why it had to happen and who was really to blame. Brad had always felt that no one was truly to blame but if anyone had to take responsibility; it was him.

When Brad had returned from his trip with Nick and Jason out in New Mexico a few years ago, he came back a changed man. He began to devote a lot more time to Melanie and the kids and cut his work schedule way down in order to do that. At first, everything was great; they took more family trips, had more lunches and dinners together and just really tightened up more as a family unit. Brad also kept in touch with Jason and Nick more regularly and they went for little day-hikes in areas closer to where they all lived. Everything was going beautifully except for one thing; Brad had an impending feeling that something else was coming. He couldn’t explain it but he was beginning to feel deep down that he was meant for something else. But what else could there be? To be close to friends and family and enjoy happiness was all he really wanted out of life. Wasn’t it? Or was there something that he really needed and not necessarily wanted?

It was subtle at first but over time he became more and more despondent and it was noticed by everyone. Jason and Nick reached out to him time and time again but eventually ended up putting distance between him and themselves. They even offered to take another trip to New Mexico but Brad declined saying that he didn’t feel as if that would make a difference with what he was personally experiencing. His work began to suffer because he kept calling out sick and it put a real strain on his family financially. The kids tried their best to remain close to him but he ended up inadvertently pushing them away which caused even more resentment from Melanie. She ended up getting really frustrated with Brad; not knowing how to deal with him and began losing respect for him as he slowly plummeted into a downward spiral. They had been married now for sixteen years and she had never seen him behave like this. To make matters worse she would constantly refer to his New Mexico trip as being the catalyst for his descent into depression. That angered him further and they began to argue and fight on a scale which almost led to domestic violence at times. Brad ended up becoming even more upset because he knew that the problem was within himself but he had no idea how to go about fixing it. He agreed to marriage counseling and personal therapy but even professional help got them nowhere. More often than not, they left the therapists throwing their hands up in the air; being at a total loss as to what to tell them. He figured that that must have been the final confirmation which Melanie needed to finally come to a hard decision.

She decided to go back to work due to the increase in their financial burdens and ironically, she ended up running into an old flame from back in high school that she had been in a serious relationship with years ago. It wasn’t long before they rekindled their long lost feelings for one another; especially with Melanie feeling so lonely because of the distance Brad had created between them. Brad sensed something was going on and had his suspicions but was still too blanketed by his own frustrations and depression to try and investigate and even put a stop to it.

One day he stumbled upon the two of them having lunch in the city and caught them sharing more affection towards one another than two ordinary friends should. After the initial shock, Brad made quite a scene in which the owner of the cafe threatened to call the police. Brad walked away from that encounter feeling broken as his wife left with her former and soon to be new boyfriend. Brad moved out that night and into a place that belonged to a friend of his that was currently unoccupied. After some deep reflection, Brad realized that he really only had himself to blame and honestly couldn’t begrudge his wife too severely. They sat the children down and explained to them what was happening; trying for their sake to act as if they both still got along and would remain friends and assuring them both that their love for them would never change. It was an extremely trying time and Brad had honestly never expected to see the day when Melanie’s loyalty would falter but then again; life was full of unexpected situations. He had of course tried to win her back; doing everything he could possibly think of but the truth of the matter was that when a woman falls out of love and is done with a man, she will move on. She had married her former boyfriend recently, a few months back, and the impact on Brad had been devastating all over again for he knew that beyond any doubt now that they were through. Brad supposed that in a sense, that was one reason why women were smarter than men in that respect. A man will beat his head against a wall in pure stubbornness while a woman just knows when it is time to let go.

So it had been a very bitter time for Brad; trying to move on and pick up the pieces while maintaining a facade of happiness for the sake of his kids. He struggled terribly with letting go of the stability that he had attained with his close knit family and yet feeling and knowing that there was something else he was meant to do.

He remained in the city so that he could be close to his children and yet he ended up seeing them so little that he might as well have been a thousand miles away. Sending them text messages from his phone once or twice a week became his only interaction with them. He did manage to hold on to his job but was demoted to a much lower position; being far too distracted and irresponsible for his previous one. Turning to alcohol more and more only increased his demise and he began to lose sight of almost everything important to him in life. How could this have happened? he thought. Why was it happening? In a way he was still in shock, even after all this time and could garner no success in trying to shake himself from the negative reverie that he was experiencing.

Parking along the curb on the street outside of his place, he turned off his car and sat there staring out of the windshield, without focus and at nothing in particular. He could feel an intense energy welling up from inside him and he balled up his fists as his body began to shake. It was all catching up to him now and he felt as though he might literally explode. As tears streamed down his cheeks involuntarily, he gasped for breath and wondered if he was having a nervous breakdown. Without knowing why, he began to silently plead to the Universe and ask for help and guidance. He knew that he just couldn’t continue on his own like this anymore and begged the powers that be to take mercy on him and give him direction. Amazingly enough, within seconds, his breathing slowed and his heartbeat calmed to a normal rhythm. Inhaling deep breaths, to further regain composure, he finally felt as though he could physically function again and so then grabbed his bag of groceries and headed over to the gate which guarded the stairwell to the apartment complex. Brad noticed a homeless man squatting down against the wall by the alley and deliberately walked around, giving him a wide berth so as to avoid any conversation. He had become accustomed to seeing this particular man around the apartments for a few weeks now and had been successful so far in having very little to do with him. The man was elderly; probably in his late sixties and wore the same filthy clothes every day which was of course common for the homeless. The man was constantly muttering to himself and raised his voice from time to time as if he was actually conversing with some invisible companion, which only made Brad more nervous. As Brad cautiously made his way towards the entrance, keeping his eye on the homeless man, he accidentally dropped his keys and after bending down to get them in mid stride; he looked up and froze as he saw the man squarely blocking his way to the gate.

What will you do? he asked Brad with a seriousness that astounded and amazed him simultaneously. Though he had the appearance of a wild man, he had a look of almost pure sobriety right then and in a tone reflecting intense sincerity, he asked again; What will you do?

I...I...uh... Brad stuttered, caught fully by surprise and unaware as to how to even begin to answer a question of that magnitude; especially coming from this particular person and asked with such intensity. Looking back down at the sidewalk he sidestepped the homeless man and quickly made for the gate which he hurried through, practically running up the stairs to get to his apartment. He looked back from the top of the stairs only once to see the man staring after him with a questioning gaze and an earnest interest; almost as if he was gauging his every movement.

Once inside his apartment, Brad locked the door and set his bag on the kitchen counter. After catching his breath he began to feel very foolish with the way he behaved. Who was that man to bully him anyhow? He had no right; he didn’t even live there! Brad became upset with himself and felt as though he should have reacted differently, more confidently. With his anger getting the better of him he stormed out his front door and down the stairs to confront the old man only to find, of course, that he was already gone. Looking all around he vowed to himself that he would really let that guy have it the next time he saw him!

I know you’ll be back and next time you’re gonna get it old timer! Brad mumbled angrily to himself.

He marched up the stairs, radiating with a false sense of pride, and stepped back into his apartment; slamming the door in an attempt to accentuate it.

That night he sat in front of his television watching a movie on his DVD player and tried to relax with a few drinks. Even though the incident from earlier had been long played out, he still sat there stewing about it. Something about that little scene had really disturbed him. Was it his reluctance to admit that he was weak when it came to certain social interactions or was it his fear of confrontation at even the smallest of challenges? He noticed that he’d had a real problem with looking people in the eye as of late and his first impulse with any threat was to run away instead of meeting it head on. It was obvious that he was lacking real faith in himself and had been for a while now but it seemed as though it had gotten to a point in which he was finding it hard to live because of it. It occurred to him just then, how demoralized he had become ever since his wife had decided she was through with him. He felt overcome by an immense wave of depression and then immediately after, a wave of personal injustice. He was watching an old favorite film of his: Pulp Fiction, and while watching Samuel L. Jackson reciting a biblical passage about the Lord’s vengeance as he put bullets into a scared, unarmed man; he suddenly felt as though he wanted the same feeling of retribution and satisfaction as he himself had been so maliciously wronged! His whole body tensed as he gripped the arm of the chair, smiling wickedly the entire time as he cheered Jules on. He even entertained the notion of getting a gun and finding his newly married ex-wife and putting two into her and her new husband’s head.

Jesus! he exclaimed out loud. What the hell is going on with me? This isn’t who I am.

He slumped back into his chair feeling utterly vanquished and on the verge of tears. How had things gotten this bad? He couldn’t believe that he was capable of ever entertaining such notions even momentarily. Something had to be done. He couldn’t continue on this way, for he knew himself well enough to know that he would either end up in jail or on the streets if he kept on with this path. It was time for a change. But how? And where to start? It was Friday night and he was off on the weekends and accustomed now to drinking himself to sleep most of the time.

Brad got up off the couch and walked to the kitchen with a slight stagger in his step. He leaned against the counter with his hand on the microwave and began to reflect. Thinking about his past, where he was now and then contemplating his future. It looked bleak. Then suddenly, he had random thoughts of the desert and his trip to New Mexico. How alive he had he felt! More so than in years. Suddenly he looked down at his hand and realized that he had been gripping something atop the microwave. Slowly opening his fingers he gasped when he saw what it was. It was the quartz crystal he’d found while hiking out on his trip with Jason and Nick! Brad had completely forgotten that he had purposely set it down there as a constant reminder to keep his spiritual side sufficiently nourished. Or at least give it water and sunlight every so often.

He decided that he would start by putting the bottle down for the rest of the night and get up early the next morning so that he could take a walk along the beach. It had been months since he had been down near Venice Beach and for some odd reason he suddenly had a yearning to go back.

At least I’ll be among some of the other freaks who will accept me for what I am, he whispered tiredly to himself.

With that, he walked back over to the sofa, turned off his movie, grabbed a bottle of water and went to bed hoping that maybe a new day would hold the promise of redemption. Or at least the beginning of one.

Chapter 2

Brad awoke at ten o’clock the next morning and arose somewhat sluggishly to sit up at the edge of his bed. Slouching tiredly, he stared ahead at his white sliding closet door; feeling the groggy effects of the previous night’s drinking. Standing quickly, he assessed his relationship with gravity and slowly shuffled towards the door and down the stairs into the kitchen where he turned his coffee maker on and sat down at the table to wait. He picked up his phone and began to check for emails and text messages as the popping sound of percolation sounded in the background. There were no notifications nor was there activity of any kind. Nothing.

Guess that shows just how many people really care about me, Brad mumbled to himself.

Self pity had been something that Brad had kicked years ago and somehow it would seem as though it had weaseled its way back into his life. It was a terrible form of loathing self-weakness and Brad had to snap himself out of it right away, knowing that it could slowly consume him throughout the rest of his day if he didn’t. Shaking his head in defiance like a boxer that just took a strong jab, he got up and filled his coffee mug to the surface tension level and then with acrobatic skill, slowly walked back to the table and gently set it down without spilling a drop. He then walked back over to the cupboard and grabbed a bowl and then a box of cereal and commenced to begin his usual breakfast routine which was quick and simple.

After eating he got dressed and ready, having already showered the night before, then made his way down the stairs outside and over to his car. Doing a quick check to make sure his vehicle was okay, he got in and started it up. Twisting his neck around, he looked for any oncoming traffic and seeing none, he quickly pulled out into the street and was on his way to Venice Beach.

Chapter 3

After getting off the freeway and meandering through traffic, he went down some side-streets and into a nice residential neighborhood where a friend of his used to live years ago. He parked in an empty space alongside a curb in front of some apartments, got out, locked his car and stretched lazily. He was still a few blocks from the boardwalk so he began a brisk walk to get there quickly. He learned long ago not to park right by or near the boardwalk, having been harassed and followed back to his car before by crazies and addicts who had pestered him for money. In not getting any, they later vandalized his vehicle remembering what he drove in an attempt to get revenge. It was just safer and simpler to leave it in a nicer area and that way he wouldn’t have to worry.

Walking cautiously down a few alleyways, he finally ended up coming in right near the middle of the strip. As he strolled into the plaza he took an immediate right into the Lucky Venice Store and bought a bottle of water, then after exiting the store he started walking towards the southern end of the boardwalk and soon found himself at Muscle Beach. Casually leaning against the wall of the backside of the amphitheater he scanned the scene.

There were several people playing at the basketball courts and a little further up there were a few inside the handball courts getting their exercise as well. Directly in front of him were some guys who looked like possible gymnasts, holding on to the lower sets of rails in the sand pit and slowly lifting their bodies up until completely overhead in an extraordinary display of strength. Those were always the people he found fascinating to watch; just for the focus and self discipline alone, not to mention the upper body strength it took to accomplish that. Looking left he saw some people using the pull up bars and hitting the speed bag, while a couple of others were shadowboxing near the south wall. Whenever someone would stop to take a look at him, he would always give a nod of respect and appreciation; usually receiving one in return. After about five minutes of watching the scene, he felt inspired and decided to start working out again as soon as he could obtain some new workout shoes and clothes.

He then went back to the main boardwalk and headed south again, checking out various vendors and street performers. So far he hadn’t recognized any that he might have seen or talked to in years so he decided to head up towards the other end of the strip. As he moved north he caught some beautiful glimpses of the ocean off to his left that stretched out into the vast distance. It sparkled magnificently as the waves foamed and crashed upon the shore. The boardwalk was busy but amazingly calm for a late Saturday morning. He had expected to see a lot more people there and actually felt pleasantly at ease with the scene. He had to remind himself however, that it could change at any second. One minute you might be talking to a polite shop owner while the next, you might have an unstable, homeless drifter shrieking at you insanely from the side of the boardwalk by the grass and palm trees. He continued on with a strange mix of peaceful alertness when he noticed up ahead that a large crowd had gathered and seemed to be studying a strange contraption.

As he approached, he sensed a tangible energy of apprehension and awe as the surrounding people took pictures with their camera phones, keeping a respectable distance from the large wooden structure. Walking around to the front side, he found a much better viewpoint and stopped to get a look while there weren’t so many people in the way. It was a large wooden guillotine about eight feet tall mounted on a metal cart which put it closer to nine feet. The blade was crafted from what looked like an enormous credit card and the stocks beneath where the head would be fitted had credit card insignias written on them as well. It looked absolutely authentic with the exception of the modern day art which was emblazoned upon its rustic features. The wood looked centuries old, as if it had been genuinely weathered by time, and the hinges holding it together as well as the rope seemed as if they had existed since the late eighteenth century. It was an amazing spectacle to be sure and Brad found himself drawn in so completely that he forgot for a second where he was and that he was surrounded by a large crowd. The pure artistic nature of the machine was amazing but it was the statement that it made which was truly extraordinary. It could have been interpreted a hundred different ways and none of them would have been wrong. It screamed of corporate injustice and societal misguidance yet it also spoke quietly of the confusion and greed of the individual; who only truly yearned for acceptance. Just looking upon that tall wooden art piece seemed to hold him transfixed and he remained locked in deep contemplation. A fleeting thought ran through his mind at one point of how good it felt to be utilizing that portion of his brain once again. It had been many months since his thought processes had been challenged on such a level and it felt great!

So intensely immersed was he that he hadn’t noticed that someone had been speaking to him from the side as he gazed upon the giant apparatus.

Steve...? Is that you?

Upon hearing the strong, steady voice he slowly began to regain his senses and turning his head to the left, saw the individual in question.

Instant recognition flooded through him as he almost shouted in response, Cain!

It had been several years since he had seen his old friend from the desert but he knew him immediately. Wearing an old torn pair of blue jeans with huge holes in the knees, shirtless and sporting an Uncle Sam style Top Hat displaying the colors of the American flag; how could it be anyone else? He was tan and in what looked like the greatest physical shape Brad had ever seen him in. He didn’t look as though he had an ounce of body fat on him and his muscles flexed and rippled with each breath. He was an amazing sight to see but most importantly of all; his eyes sparkled with intensity and he looked happy.

Dude! What is up? I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?

I’ve been good man! Brad replied, but then actually took a second to examine his pre-programmed response and then corrected, Actually man...not so good to be honest. But it’s great to see you!

The crowd had begun to disperse and in seconds they were left alone and began to resume the conversation.

So what’s been happening man? Cain asked with sincerity and concern.

Well...since I last spoke to you the wife and I split up and we eventually got divorced. She’s remarried now and has the kids but I see them on weekends when they’re not too busy with sports or activities. I’ve got a little apartment now and live alone. Still got my job but that’s about it.

Damn! Dude, sorry to hear about that, he responded with a heartfelt sigh.

Well, there’s more to the story but it would take too long to tell it here. Maybe at another place and another time.

For sure man. Hey! You should get out to Domeland soon for a visit! Realign your energies!

Oh wow man! You still got that place?

Hell yeah! Doin’ big things out there too, man. The compound is growing!

Yeah bro, that sounds great. I’ll let you know when I can get out there. So what are your plans for the rest of the day?

Mostly cruising the boardwalk and showing off the guillotine. You wanna hang out with me today while I run the strip?

Brad considered Cain’s proposal for a few seconds, deciding whether he wanted to be by himself or committed to his friend’s little artistic endeavor. He was hoping to experience a little introspection on his life today and figured that he would need to be alone to do it but then again, he didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to hang out with his good friend. Especially when he hadn’t seen him in so long.

Cain stood by watching calmly as Brad came to his conclusion.

He looked up and straight into Cain’s eyes, Alright man, I’m with ya!

Okay! Cain responded enthusiastically. Let’s go!

For the remainder of the morning they walked north up the boardwalk, stopping about every ten feet to let the crowds admire and ask questions about Cain’s amazing artistic contraption. Many were very polite and inquisitive while others were nervous and agitated. They all seemed drawn to it and while some seemed comfortable with touching it or being near it; others seemed apprehensive and afraid. Many could not tell whether it was a truly functionable device; even upon close inspection, while others accepted it as just art. A few religious freaks chastised Cain and his art as being an abomination and yet even more than that, there were homeless vagrants and drug addicts boldly challenging Cain from both sides of the strip. One even asked Cain if he would chop his head off for him with the weaponized art piece. They shouted obscene questions and statements in defiance of the uncomfortable truth which rolled past them in the form of the artistic guillotine. One guy rode by on his bike and as he circled them he told them that it made perfect sense to him and then admitted that he was on crack cocaine.

Shortly after that, they took the guillotine back to Cain’s truck and after loading it up, talked for a while longer. Then they bid farewell and Brad promised Cain that he would come out to the desert for a visit soon.

His drive home was pleasant, with almost no traffic, and he was soon back at his apartment. He sat down on his couch and reached to grab the remote control to turn on his television and froze. He began to seriously ponder the events of the day and instead of habitually turning on a movie to watch, he tossed the remote aside. Now was the time to make a change. He had been doing the same thing day in and day out for months now and suddenly he was sick of it. His time spent with Cain that day, albeit short, had made him clearly aware of that. He wanted more out of life. No; he needed more. In watching Cain on the Venice Boardwalk, he could see that his friend was truly alive and happy with what he was doing, while he, himself, had felt as though he was slowly dying a little each day. He knew now that he would have to do something drastic in order to bring about the life change he would need.

He lounged back into his sofa and sent yet another silent but strong plea out to the Universe for help. Pouring all of his emotions and yearning into a prayer; he begged for an epiphany. Immediately after doing so; he thought of Cain, Domeland and the high desert and he could picture the Joshua Trees, mountains and vast desert landscapes in his mind once again. A sense of fear and apprehension gripped him then, immediately followed by a feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment as he realized what he must do.

Chapter 4

Monday afternoon was soon upon him and while at work, Brad met with his boss in his office to discuss a leave of absence for twelve weeks. He had plenty of vacation time accrued and his boss was more than happy to see him finally taking some much needed time off; hoping and even hinting to see the old Brad again when he came back. Brad also contacted Melanie and explained to the best of his ability that he truly cared for her and wished her well but that he was going to be away for a while. He assured her that he would keep in touch every other week or so until he got his head straight and came back to the city. Melanie seemed to be relieved upon hearing that and told him to take as long as he needed and that