Loving Well: Keys to Lasting and Rewarding Relationships

By Ron Neff, Ph.D

Dr. Neff points out that we are culturally programmed to love by romantic scripts. The dominant theme in all categories of Western literature and music, these scripts provide a massive and detailed instruction in how to fall (and fall “madly”) for exactly the wrong person. Loving Well offers an alternative – an alternative grounded in 50 years of research findings. Many specific factors (from values to priorities to shared gender expectations) contribute to lasting love. They all trace to rewards – not to the frustration, pains in the chest, and other suffering celebrated as signs of “true love” in so many romantic scripts. The rewards for loving well extend far beyond making our relationships last. Research finds that those who enjoy warm and close relationships fare better than others in both their physical and mental health. Dr. Neff goes on to examine the sexual side of relationship success, including a cram course on who is really good at sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Sep 16, 2016
• ISBN: 9781483455389

Ron Neff, Ph.D

Ron Neff (Ph.D University of Iowa) is a semi-retired professor and psychotherapist. In recent years he has published several self-help books: Goodbye, My Love: How To Mend A Broken Heart (2016), Loving Well: Keys to Lasting and Rewarding Relationships (2016), Your Inner Mammal: How To Meet Your Real Emotional Needs And Become Stronger - For Self And Others (2017), and Surviving Divorce & Winning in Family Court (2021). He has often been told he should write novels, probably love stories, since he has studied and worked with issues of the heart most of his life. Hence, The Color of the Moon (2017), Daisies in Hell (2019), One Heart Over the Line (2019), Heroes, Hellions and Hot Rods (2019), and now Sometimes They Came Back (2022). At other times, his novels have been more in the “action adventure” or “science fiction” genres, including Enough With Those Humans: Was It Time for a Higher Intelligence? (2020), The Trouble With Eve: Forbidden Fruit in a Big Sky Paradise (2020), Sidewinders & Sassy Skirts: Blame It on Texas (2020), Up to Alaska: The Rush Of 2032 (2021), and Post-Earth: Searching the Stars for New Life (2021).

Book preview

LOVING

WELL

KEYS TO LASTING AND

REWARDING RELATIONSHIPS

RON NEFF, Ph.D

Copyright © 2016 Ronald L. Neff

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5539-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5538-9 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 8/30/2016

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Chapter1 Introduction

From Whence I Speak

Of Love And Pain

The Story of Catullus

The Beginning Of The End

It Can’t Kill Me?

Where Catullus Went Wrong

Any Love Is Good Love?

A Dubious Heritage

I’ve Got Your Back

A Chapter by Chapter Overview

Chapter2 Romantic Scripts

From The Nursery

Regain Control of Your Heart

Up To Our Lovin’ Necks

A Wide Audience

The Errors Of Our (Scripted) Ways

Holding Court

One For The Ladies

Hold Your Corsets

Beyond the Origins

Working Against You

Thwarting Recovery

Chapter3 Liking Versus Romantic Love

Liking

Similarity

Rewarding Is the Rock

Keys To Compatibility

Priorities

Expectations

Familiarity

Other Rewards

Romantic Love

Walster’s Model

The Evidence

The Interpretation

The Long Road to Recovery

Dr. Walster’s Model + Romantic Scripts

Background

Personal History

Context

Intimacy?

A Better Way

Chapter4 Companionate Love

How Are We Doing At Love?

A Rare Bloom

Keys to Developing Companionate Love

Start With Liking

Go Slow

But How Do I Go Slow?

By The Third Date?

So What To Do?

Keep Your Friends and Family Ties

A Qualifier

Friends, Family And Happiness

Marriage, Health And Happiness

And Having Children?

Getting It Right The First Time

Friends, Family And Feedback

What Friends And Family Expect

Chapter5 Vive La Difference: Companionate Versus Romantic Love

The Differences: Let Me Count the Ways

Whether ‘Tis Nobler To Suffer

My Elusive Everything Vs. My Solid Rock At Home

Dyadic Withdrawal

But The Disservice is Not Just to the Community

For Your Love

All Your Love

Just The Way You Are

I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight?

The Romeo And Juliet Effect

No Future In It

So What Is The Essence of Companionate Love?

The Other Is Myself

Because Of The Love

The Real Thing

Chapter6 Companionate Love And Romance: Going For Both

What I Promised

Playing With It

Self-Talk: It’s Yours To Control.

Let’s Not Fall

The Only Weapon

When to Say Love

Timing

Getting Specific

What Depends

Did You Meet Someone New?

Ah, But the Fun? Being Selective With Romantic Scripts

Time To Play

No Cheer ‘Em Up Please

Don’t Leave It To Cupid Or The Fates

Beyond Scripts

Want To Feel Better? It’s Play Time

A Top Secret

It Just Keeps Giving

And Once You Have Children?

And Work?

Grooming: What Message Are You Sending?

An Ode to Fun

But Not Till You Are Ready

Chapter7 Are You Ready Yet? Is Your Partner?

Not On The Rebound

Searching Behavior

How Will I Know?

Getting Over Someone: Why It’s So Difficult

Personal Development: Traits We Need To Love Well

What Are These Strengths?

So What Is Your Identity?

Chapter8 Loving Well For Health: Yours And Your Mate’s

Who Needs Intimacy?

Never Again

The Evidence

Effects of Social Isolation

Without The Other, There Is No Self

Beyond The Intellect

But What of Adults?

Beyond Touch

Chemicals at Work

Oxytocin

Dopaminie

Serotonin

Endorphins

Mental Health

A Broad Range

Chapter9 Flight From Intimacy

Modern Love

A World Gone Cold?

Why We Struggle With It

The Track Record

Other Wrong Turns

Denials of Intimacy

Loving And Needing

Chapter10 The Life Erotic: Yours, Mine And Ours

Overview

Human Sexuality: The Biological Side

Anatomy

Testes and Ovaries

Penis and Clitoris

Sperm and Ova

The Physiology of Sexual Response

Excitement

Plateau

Orgasm

Resolution

Other Biological Points

Testosterone and Sex Drive

Clitoris 101

Breast and Penis Size

Clitoral versus Vaginal Orgasm

The G-Spot

Human Sexuality: The Psychological Side

Culture

How Culture is Transmitted

Cultural Variations

Gender Roles

A Limitation

Individual Variations

Classical And Operant Conditioning

A Case in Point: Sadism and Masochism. Who’s Cueing Who?

An Important Caution

So Who Is Really Good at Sex?

Sexual Communications

Chapter11 Intimate Communication

Beyond The Myths

Editing Versus Leveling: Striking a Balance

Past Relationships

Disputed Topics

Touchy Personal Areas

Rules For Problem-Solving

Own The Problem

Avoid Altercasting

Tacts Versus Mands

I Statements Versus You Statements

Not When You’re Seething With Anger

Reinforcing

Be A Good Listener

Validating

Documenting

Tactile Bonding

Rapport Talk Vs. Report Talk

About the Author

"As a divorce recovery counselor, psychotherapist, and family court conciliator, I’ve spent over 20 years working with broken hearts.

Now it’s time to prevent them." -Dr. Neff

For Ehsan, Art and Amy

My enduring

and

Dearest friends

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First of all, acknowledgement is overdue to Amanda Smith, Jenisa Harris, Linda Witthoft, and LeAnn Kunz. These are the angels at the Washington County Public Library, who have tolerated my scatterbrained ways in general, as well as guiding, rescuing, coaching and encouraging this Mac guy in the use of Microsoft Word, and myriad other challenges of PCs.

Also overdue is acknowledging my debt to Bob Hintz, Jr., Dan Miller, Steve Buban, and Stephen Wieting, fellow co-conspirators in the establishment of the New Iowa School of Symbolic Interaction Research. This school of thought emphasizes direct observation - and direct intervention - in the fundamental forms and processes of human interaction. As our mentor, Carl J. Couch used to say, People get inside of each other, and these guys are the best parts of me as a researcher and therapist.

CHAPTER 1

Introduction

CHAPTER 1

Introduction

We made love, your honor. He didn’t have any and neither did I. So we made some. It was good. Julie in Lois Gould’s Such Good Friends

My life closed twice before its close

It yet remains to see

If immortality unveil

A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

Emily Dickinson

Why do we seem powerless in the face of love?

How can the arrow of romantic love strike so quickly? And yet linger so long? What is the solid foundation for a lasting relationship?

Why do lovers so often struggle and fight? Why are they so hard on each other?

What is romantic love based on, anyway? Is it all in your mind? If it’s only in your mind, how can you have such pain in your chest when it goes against you?

For 2,000 years we’ve tried to make sense of the mysteries of romantic love. As far back as the first century, Ovid wrote a handbook of romantic conquest advising suitors, male or female, to practice any number of strategies designed to distress the object of their pursuit. He especially favored taking one’s intended to gladiator combat - where he or she would witness violent disembowelings. But why? Why should causing psychic pain enhance your chances in love?

After 2,000 years, research has finally answered all of these questions.

As we will see, the answers are partly biological and partly cultural, a matter of scripts. These biological and cultural forces work together to produce many peculiar aspects of love. For example, people often find themselves madly in love with someone they don’t even like. Then we get songs like I hate myself for loving you. (Joan Jett And The Blackhearts 1988.) This happens quite readily - because liking and romantic love have entirely different foundations.

Do you want to be in love with someone you don’t like? Probably not. This kind of love is driven by pain. Can you avoid it? Yes. In fact, you may well avoid it out of sheer luck. Your odds will be much better, though, if you know what’s going on here.

This volume will examine the workings of romantic love, in straightforward easy-to-understand terms. We’ll see what modern research in social psychology has to tell us about love. How and why it can take us over like seemingly powerless pawns. More important, we’ll see how you can take control of your heartstrings. This requires some effort. But if you invest the effort, you need no longer find yourself mystified or powerless in the face of love’s chemistry.

We will also examine an alternative to romantic love. An alternative that is both more pleasant, and much more likely to last. This alternative poses the question: Would you rather have someone who loves you a lot, even if it is more than anyone has ever loved before, or someone who loves you well?

From Whence I Speak

My interest in romantic love - and alternatives to it - is long-standing. Even before I finished graduate school, my research focused on love, romance and the foundations of successful relationships. My Ph.D. thesis was entitled On Romance and Why It Doesn’t Last. (The University of Iowa, 1977). Since then I have authored four books and over 20 articles and professional papers on love, sex, and family relationships. More important, I think, I’ve been in the trenches - working directly with people who are struggling with broken hearts.

My work in the trenches began with marriage and relationship counseling. Sadly, people often come in for couples counseling too late, or just weren’t well-matched in the first place, and soon one or both parties needs help with the immense pain of breaking up. From that beginning, I went on to put in three years specializing exclusively in divorce recovery, and developing many programs for Parents Without Partners International, the world’s largest single parent organization. Later I devoted four years to serving as a full-time psychotherapist (Southwest Behavioral Health. Phoenix AZ), where I took most of the broken hearts, along with panic attack and normal grief cases. Perhaps the greatest challenges arose during my 5 years as an emergency conciliator, mediator, and parent education programs coordinator in Family Court (Superior Court of Arizona, Maricopa County.) Doubt that people -many people - can get stuck in the pain of lost love (typically the anger stage) for 10 years or more? Come to Family Court. I finally created a program especially for these cases -- the ones who just keep coming back (much to the judges’ dismay). (Ron Neff and Kat Cooper, Parental Conflict Resolution: Six, Twelve, and Fifteen Month Follow-Ups of a High-Conflict Program. Family Court Review. Vol. 42, pp. 99-114. 2004).

I’ve also taught college and university courses in marriage and family and human sexuality for twenty years. Finally, I ran a dating service for a while (not profitably, I should confess, as I had a bad habit of returning peoples’ money unless I could find them a match.) Out of all this the thing that consumes the most time has always remained the same -- trying to fix broken hearts. Hence, the impetus for this book: trying to prevent broken hearts before they happen.

Of Love And Pain

And this brings us back to the heart of the problem. Of all the mysteries and contradictions of romantic love, none is more conspicuous -- or more tragic -- than its affinity with pain. The chapters to follow will unravel this mystery, and provide detailed how-tos for avoiding the traps it can set for you.

But let’s begin simply by taking a look at the problem. It’s as old as Western history itself. And it does boggle the mind. Historians record that The Cid successfully won the romantic ardor of the proud and aloof Donna Ximene by killing one after another of her pet pigeons. And this after he had slain her father!

And we’ve all known people who have fallen in love with someone who caused them only pain. This is what makes romantic love seem so irrational, so maddening.

Nevertheless, this affinity between love and pain is actually a major clue to solving the puzzle of romantic love. It will take several chapters to fully clarify this point. But let’s devote the remainder of this opening chapter to a close look at some of the pieces to the puzzle. We can do this by carefully examining one case: the case of Catullus.

The Story of Catullus

Catullus was Ancient Rome’s most famous poet. (In fact, 2000 years after his death, if you simply Google Catullus over 11 pages of links to his work come up.) He invented many poetic forms, and the power of his writing continues to amaze students of poetry. Nevertheless, unless you are a fan of classical poetry, it’s unlikely that you are familiar with his story. It’s a true story, however. And it illustrates many key points about the workings of this thing we call romantic love.

(What we know of Catullus’s life is based almost entirely on his own writings, his poems. But they were extensive, detailed, and personal. Before Catullus, writers focused almost exclusively on the doings of gods, goddesses, military leaders, emperors, and other ruling elites. Not Catullus. Among his many innovations was to focus primarily on his own personal affairs.)

Catullus’s full name was Gaius Valerius Catullus. He was born approximately 85 B.C. This was an extraordinary time. It was a time of conquering, brilliant engineering and extravagant architecture that continues to inspire awe. It was the time of Julius Caesar. The Roman Empire was prospering as the most powerful and advanced political structure in the known world. And Catullus lived in the center of this world: The city of Rome itself.

It was also the time of Cicero, The Roman orator. Rome was not just the political center of the Western world at this time. It was the cultural center as well. Building on the Greeks who came before them, the citizens of Rome were shaping the ideas that became the foundation for Western civilization. Cicero was a key figure in these developments. His speeches and his writings outlined the basic principles of Roman law. Our own laws are still based on these principles.

Catullus, too, was a significant figure in developing ideas that still rule us. But in a different way. He wrote many powerful lyrical poems. In them, he struggled to make sense of love, especially his own love for a woman he called Lesbia.

Catullus wrote:

My woman says she loves me

more than any man

If Jupiter himself should

come down from the sky

She would prefer me

she says

But what a woman says

to a man who loves her

Write it on the wind

Write it on running water

Catullus breathed his larger than life words into 128 poems of which we have a record. His favorite topic, repeatedly identified as such, was Clodia Metelli. He unfailingly called her Lesbia, after the island of love. There is no suggestion whatever of homosexuality in this. Note, however, that he literally renamed the object of his devotion love. In this and other ways Catullus tread rashly - dangerously - with his own emotions.

Clodia Metelli, Catullus’s Lesbia, was a high-ranking Roman citizen. By all accounts, she was also strikingly beautiful. When Catullus met her she was married. He had an affair with her. And he tried to persuade her to leave her husband for him. (As we will see later in this volume, this was his first mistake. It’s a mistake to take up with anyone who is not yet over someone else. Let alone someone who is still in the middle of another relationship.) Clodia was eventually divorced. But not to marry Catullus.

After Catullus, Clodia had many other suitors. She was often escorted by one of these suitors at public functions. Usually these escorts were powerful political figures of the day. Catullus knew of these relationships. He wrote about them. In fact, he distributed poems throughout Rome blasting her for what he saw as betrayals of his love. Not given to understatement, and seemingly contemptuous of propriety, he wrote of her in shockingly negative terms. Yet he continued to pursue her. He would occasionally win her back, but not for long.

Let me emphasize that I am recounting this story not as any indictment of Clodia. For all we know, she may have had good reasons for her rejection of Catullus. Perhaps he was abusive to her. As we will take up later, those who love as intensely as Catullus are often abusive. Loving a lot should not be confused with loving well. In any case, Clodia did not pursue Catullus. He pursued her. Relentlessly. My indictment is neither of Clodia nor of Catullus. It is of the way of loving Catullus’s example represents.

Cicero, the Roman orator, was not so understanding. He came to see Clodia as a fundamental threat to Rome. In a public forum commonly used by politicians of the day, Cicero devoted over four hours to detailing what he believed were the multiple affronts Clodia posed to the moral underpinnings of Roman order and justice.

The Beginning Of The End

Clodia, it seems, was interested in promoting the political career of her brother. And Cicero accused her of initiating sexual intrigues with Roman Senators to do this. One suspects that the reality was more the other way around -- at the initiative of the Senators. But in those times, as, indeed, throughout most of Western history, sexist thinking tended to point the finger of blame at the woman in such a scandal -- the men to be exonerated. Rightly or wrongly, however, Clodia was thoroughly dishonored. She fled to the outer edges of Rome, reduced to the life of a beggar and street harlot for the rest of her life. Cicero had put a firm halt to her alleged meddlings with the heart of the empire. Unfortunately, Catullus’s heart was not yet finished with her.

As reconstructed in Benita Kane Jaro’s historical novel The Key (1988), it appears that one of Catullus’s friends chanced to stumble onto Clodia after her effective banishment to the impoverished suburbs. Word of her whereabouts would soon reach the poet.

In the interim, young Catullus had been flourishing. Among other things, he had assumed and successfully returned from a governorship over one of the empire’s territories. He was now financially secure and readied for a place in Rome’s central government. He abandoned all of this to search for Clodia. He found her. It was one of the coldest and harshest winters in Roman memory. She was lying in a snowbank, nearly frozen and horribly thin. He took up residence with her in a ramshackle hovel, nursed her back to health, and chronicled much of this in ongoing verses written in the suburbs’ meager pubs.

Catullus records that he made love to Clodia almost from the beginning of this, their final reunion. But he felt she was passive in the act -- not responding to him. Otherwise, she was distant, saying little and showing no emotion. Soon after she returned to her strength, he found her in an alley practicing her new profession: making love to another man. Catullus recorded his reaction in verse:

Lesbia, our Lesbia, the same old Lesbia

Caelius, she whom Catullus once loved

more than himself and more than all his own

loiters at the cross-roads

and the backstreets

ready to toss-off the magnanimous sons of Rome

(From The Poems of Catullus, translated

with an introduction by Peter Whigman.

Penguin Books. 1966)

(Caelius, mentioned in this poem, was Catullus’s closest male friend. Unlike most of his acquaintances, Catullus consistently writes of Caelius only in a wholly positive light. Yet by telling Catullus where to find the same old Lesbia, Caelius was unwittingly instrumental in