The Wingman's Handbook: A Guide to Teenage Romance by a Teenage Romantic

By Michelle Y Kwok

Ah, the joys of adolescence; a time for partying, misadventures and … a beta trial of the terrifying world of romance? Trust me; you’re not alone in experiencing this. Almost everyone has wondered:

• Why am I becoming so obsessed over this person?
• Why do some people light up a room every time they walk in?

• Language: English
• Publisher: YS Kwok & W Wu
• Release date: Apr 21, 2019
• ISBN: 9780648551812

Book preview

Acknowledgements

Behind every writer is a team of supporters. Because the subject of this book is particularly close to my heart, I want to express my gratitude to everyone who has made an impact on my life and allowed me to create this book.

A big thank you to my high school friends and everyone whose high-school experiences I’ve collected for this book. Whether you were romantically-involved with someone else or with me, you have all played a larger role in my life than you could ever imagine. Every moment of joy and pain I saw, every mistake and success I witnessed, served as fuel powering my mind as I put words to paper. Without you, there would be no Wingman’s Handbook.

Thank you to Mrs Dunlop, my senior English teacher. Mrs Dunlop didn’t just teach me English, she transformed my life and inspired me to be whatever I wanted to be. In my five years at Mansfield State High, I learnt a lot about life, both positive and negative, and this was also where most of my experiences took place.

I’m very grateful to my parents and my sister, because they were the first people to be on board when I told them my concept. They helped me do research and draw up plans on how I can work towards the goal of publication. I would have been kidding myself if I thought I could do that all alone. Towards the late production period, I was starting to suffer from imposter syndrome but they helped me to snap out of it. Thank you to all of the beta readers and other contributors. A project is a big machine, but each individual cog helps to make it work.

Finally, I need to thank you as the reader. You are all young lovers with millions of possibilities in life. A book is just a vehicle, but you are the driver that can take it to new levels in your life.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Part 1 – Just Before We Really Get Into It

Safety Brief Before We Get Into It

*Inhale* What is Love?

Your Guide to Pre-Teen Infatuation

Your Guide to the Teenage Shitstorm

Part 2 – Setting the Scene

Taste and Preferences

Gender and Identity

Now That’s Problematic!

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Types of Crushes

The Forget/Pursue Dichotomy

Are You Wasting Your Time?

Part 3 – Let’s Work on Yourself

General Appearance

Personality

Right here, right now

The Power of Charisma

Strengths & Weaknesses

Are You Ready for Love?

Part 4 – Now You Think They’re The One, Do You?

The Road to Pursuit

Are You Playing This Game on High Difficulty? (LGBT)

The Chess Game of Flirting

Strategies

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going After Someone

101 Pickup Lines

101 Icebreakers

The 20-question method

Five Sweet Brain Tricks

Friendship, Just the Perfect Blend-Ship

Part 5 – It Takes a Spark

The Leap

The Baby Steps of Baby Steps

Limits and Pacing

Dating from the Same School?

Taking the L

Part 6 – A Free Shot of Oxytocin

Hormones, Our Little Workers

Love Science

The Hormone’s Game

The Five Love Languages

Rosetta Stone

Makes and Breaks

50 Ways to say I Love You

The Power of Touch

Touch Zones

Love Addiction

Withdrawal

Relationship Dynamics (LGBT)

Part 7 – Living the Honeymoon

The Butterflies

The Gist

The Internet

The Parental Units

The Ingredients to a Healthy Relationship

First Things First

Relationship Check-Up

Maintenance Checklist

Love Blindness

50 Relationship Red Flags

Part 8 – The Long Haul of Death

When the Well Runs Dry

Love is Not Lost, Just Evolved

Unfortunate Downfalls of the High-School Sweethearts

Forever means Forever

A Summary of What You’ll Need

Quick Relationship Troubleshooting

Meet Me in the Ring!

The Hardest Word

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Preparing for the Inevitable

The Break-Up Checklist

Doing the Do

The Silent Hand

The Ingredients of an Abusive Relationship

Push and Pull

The Origin of the Abuser

Get Over It

The Five Stages of Grief

Moving On

Surprising Benefits of Losing Love

Part 9 – Manuals and More

Grooming and Appearance

Decoding Dress Code

How to Tie a Tie

How to Roll Up your Sleeves

How to Walk in Heels

The Colour Wheel

Manner and Lifestyle

Meal Etiquette

Flower Language (basics)

How to Sew a Button

How to Waltz

How to Take Good Photos

People and Relationships

The Art of Assertiveness

How to Console a Partner

Saying No

How to be a Good Listener

The Four Styles of Responding to Good News

How to Kiss (Well)

Part 10 – Earning Your Wings

The Art of Third Wheeling

Traits of a Good Wingman

What’s the Sitch?

Intel

Guru

Backup

Support

When to Intervene

Three Types of Risk Perception

Body Language Signs

Your Final Dose of  Wisdom

101 – Make your Own Wingman Kit

Closing Words

Introduction

It’s 2012.

Image-macro memes were still a thing. Gangnam Style had just come out and invented viral YouTube videos. Life was simple.

And there I was. 11 years old, still in primary school, and had never experienced a single traumatic event yet. At this age, we were starting to experience the wrath of puberty. Barely anybody took it well. It was definitely the war of hormones against the world’s population of pre-teens. With my crooked teeth, poor eyesight and bad skin, I was a diamond in the rough, a pearl in the making, deep inside an oyster. In this ugly, nonsense time of our lives, the spring of adolescence was approaching, and the winter of childhood was leaving.

At 11 years old, you didn’t have to worry about what university you wanted to go to, or what tax bracket you were in. That’s grown-up stuff. But for some strange reason, grown-up stuff had the exact same appeal to us as a flower to a bee. We loved that shit. But what I loved the most about grown-ups wasn’t their careers or responsibilities, obviously.

It was their love.

I was so obsessed with romance, I could remember the exact moment the chemicals in my brain aligned to produce the feelings of infatuation on a certain someone who wasn’t even physically there. It would happen just because someone mentioned his name. And for your information, I had straight up hated him for the last 2 years because he bullied me. I know it sounds insane, but I can remember the moment as though it was yesterday. That’s just how it is. And straight after that incident, my life was changed forever. I could feel just how powerful this attachment was. It was like I was possessed; first in the way my thoughts on him were able to change with a snap of the fingers, and then how this entire thing would haunt my life for the next three years. In hindsight, my attraction to him was completely pointless. I’ve had a few meaningful, diverse relationships since then, so I know that for sure. But back then, I was having the time of my life. It was just so fun thinking about love and everyone wanted to get a taste of it.

So in the same year I was 11 and caught serious feelings for the first time, I dedicated myself to figuring out just what on earth was happening in my head. Then with this knowledge, I ‘helped’ others around me. But obviously, what would I know? We were all just kids who had no clue how anything worked. Despite that, I still tried my best to play matchmaker. And I guess I just never stopped. All these years later, I’ve learned so much but I know I still have a lot more to learn.

I’m not a psychologist; I’ve only read a few research papers and did a few short courses in psychology here and there.  But I have a thirst for knowledge. My sister used to joke that I was a walking encyclopaedia. I’m a regular person, just like you. I feel ecstatic when I fall in love and hurt when I am rejected. But somehow, this only makes me want to talk to you more. Everything in this book is what I’ve seen, felt and thought throughout my life up until now. That’s it. I have no desire to sugar-coat my words or to further twist the already twisted portrayals of love we see in society. I don’t want to sell you a magic love potion that will make you irresistible or crush your self-esteem with unrealistic cynicism. I just want to tell you what you’ll need to know, and how to make things work.

So, my dear reader, this is The Wingman’s Handbook.

Welcome aboard.

Part 1

Just Before We Really Get into It

Safety Brief Before Take Off

I feel as though there are some things I need to talk about before you really get comfy with this book. Just a little bit of housekeeping, and some nice contextual information to set the mood for us. I can already see your eyes starting to wander off. Please, I know everyone prefers to ignore disclaimers and terms & conditions, but I highly recommend that you take some time to read the following. Please?

This book is separated into ten parts, and these are further split into sections. You’re currently on the first part. Each part covers a different topic of love. The parts are in a rough chronological order, so I highly recommend that you read front-to-back on your first reading. Then the second time, you can read it however you like. This book is also organised so that when you have to be a wingman for others, you can flick straight to relevant pages. Also, there are many interactive activities in the book, so if you are reading from an online source or want to keep your hardcopy reusable, copy and print out the activity pages.

I would like to reiterate that I am not a psychologist, and do not have official credentials on the subjects of sociology, psychology and biology. That means this book isn’t going to be cited in anyone’s thesis any time soon. The aim of this book is not to contribute to the academic research of human psychology, but rather a collection of guides and commentary for young people, especially those that are just starting to dabble in the world of romance. Remember, I’m a young person myself, and I still have lots to learn. This book is comprised of, I’d say, roughly 60% my personal commentary and 40% external sources. These are reputable sources that are from official websites, psychology papers and whatnot, which I believe have aided me in supplying the most relevant and useful knowledge. For any parts of my book that I’ve consulted a source for, full credit goes to the original content creators. All credit for the stock images go to the photographers on Pexels. The text and images I’ve collected are protected under Fair Use for research purposes, so please don’t sue me.

I strive for inclusivity in this handbook. I personally believe that love is a limitless force and isn’t something society can control by their own definitions. Therefore, I have kept this book as gender neutral as I can. Anyone can benefit from the information I provide here. I will also refrain from defaulting to traditional gendered stereotypes, which is a downfall for many other guides out there. Who cares if you don’t fit the mould? You’re here to find out how to find love, and that’s all that I’m going to tell you.

You’d normally expect sex advice in a guide about love, because those things always go hand in hand (or that’s what society thinks). But spoiler alert, there isn't going to be a lot about sex here. That’s because I don’t feel qualified or confident to help. Sex is a subject that is a lot more sensitive than romance, mostly because it ties into more than one dimension of health (physical, spiritual, mental, emotional), so that would take a whole separate book if I really were to write about it.

This book contains anecdotes of events and people. That’s because I’m a real person and I’ve seen things. However, I probably don’t know you, so if you feel like any of the names and events resembles real-life people and events you know about, then chances are it’s all purely coincidental, alright? This book also delves into mature themes, such as abuse, sexual assault and mental illness. Also, there’s a little bit of coarse language, but just a little. Reader’s discretion is advised.

*Inhale* What is Love?

I think that another thing we can discuss before the book starts is love itself. If you’re more academically inclined, you’d define love as a very strong and positive mental and emotional state. It’s a cocktail of ‘good-feeling’ hormones. This attraction, the romantic kind, is used to form bonds with a mate. It’s good to know what love is, because it’s so damn powerful. It’s really cheesy and has been done to death by the film industry (see Interstellar), suggesting that love can fix everything. But you know what? Love probably can. That is, if it is actual love. Saying nice words to someone or sleeping with them isn’t going to fix them. Real love is one of the most complicated concepts known to man.

I was once invited to a conference for 'smart' year 10 kids where we discussed philosophy, time and government. It was certainly an enlightening experience, but in hindsight, seemed a little pretentious. At one point we discussed the topic of love, and I was invited to add my input. As a 15-year-old who knew nothing, I took the mic, faced the audience of 300 other individuals and said the first thought that popped into my head – a quote I had read somewhere on the Internet: 'In a Universe where nothing is certain, love is. The certainty that love possesses is its nature of uncertainty.’

To be honest, I had no idea what was saying back then. I just thought it sounded profound. What the quote means is that the world is crazy and literally anything can happen at any time. You’re not certain that today it will rain, or if you’ll wake up tomorrow morning. You won’t be able to say for sure that you’ll live to 85, or that you’ll get a dog when you’re 18. You can argue with me on this all day – yes, there’s medicine, a weather forecast, common sense, that type of stuff – but when were those things ever 100% accurate? There’s only one thing in the world that is certain, yep, 100%. And do you know what it is? It’s uncertainty. You know for sure that you’re not gonna be in full control of your life, no matter how many bath bombs you add to your exquisite ‘I’ve-got-my-shit-together’ skincare routine. With this, you can say for sure that anything goes. And that doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. As uncertainty is the only certainty in the world, it means that our potential is boundless, there’s nothing to define us except ourselves.

So now back to love. Why’s it uncertain? Because no matter how many PhD’s you have, how many research papers you’ve done and how many brains you’ve dissected, love will forever be a mystery. Just take a trip around Google and you’ll see how love compels people to do extraordinary things that they probably wouldn’t have done without it motivating them. Then you will also see the weird ways love settles or disappears. There are couples that meet in primary school and stay together forever. Then there are people that don’t find each other until they’re on their deathbeds. Sometimes, people never find love at all. Love is weird and a power that would be better left as it is. It would be a waste of time to fully understand it. This is why the best we can do is to condition ourselves to love, and not the other way around.

Your Guide to the Pre-Teen Infatuation

Teenagers are notorious to the older demographics. They’re seen as a horny, stupid group that think they’re above adult law, yet they don’t have the intellect to actually be an adult. But have you seen pre-teens? Especially in this day and age? They are way worse. This society is experiencing a phenomenon I call ‘accelerated maturation’, where the normalising of what would be considered ‘taboo’ and ‘adult’ subjects have caused children to be exposed to them faster. This is why you see a lot of those memes lying around where 90’s kids post a picture of their embarrassing 12-year-old self with metal-clad teeth, compared side-by-side with a very carefully constructed photo of a current Instagram model of roughly the same age. The meme’s caption is usually something like, 'Wow, look at kids nowadays! Back in my day we looked more like actual kids!' It’s crazy, and even a little terrifying, that this is happening, but it is absolutely not the kid’s fault. In fact, it’s society’s fault that children are experiencing an accelerated maturation. They’ve grown up in a world full of colourful sex, drugs and violence. The desire to become adults faster has been ingrained into their tiny brains. You can start even by the fact that preschools ask kids what they want to be when they grow up.

Pre-teens are a vulnerable bunch. The way accelerated maturation hits them is not through pretending to be grown-ups, but rather the persuasion that they are already teenagers physically and mentally. This sets them up on a VERY dangerous platform for paedophiles and exploitation, but that’s a topic for another day. A big part of being a teen/young-adult is romance. Naturally, the pre-teens and tweens would want a scoop of that too. Now don’t get me wrong, pre-teens are experiencing the very tip of puberty at that moment, so sexual curiosity is very normal. Their banter about crushes and daydreaming about soulmates is pretty standard. However, the looming claw of society is what makes this all not ok. It sets up high expectations that exceed normal. It grooms them to want things that they don’t and shouldn’t need. And last of all, it promises them the pretty picture of love by showing them lovers that are from a completely different age group (therefore different maturity level, physical level etc.). The truth is romantic love does not exist at this stage in life. Let me say it again. Romantic love. Does not. Exist. At this stage in life. You can tell me, ‘I met this guy when we were both 11 and now we're graduating high school and we’re still together. What are you talking about?’ Yeah, but what you experienced at 11 years old was not love,