The End of Spamming the Spammers (With Dieter P. Bieny)

By Peter Dabbene

It's Dieter P. Bieny's final round of repartee with e-mail spammers, and he's saved the best for last! Dieter pulls out all the stops with "The Name Game", Spammer Poetry, and the wonder that is. . . Rubby Love. Dieter bids adieu to his readers with a tender lollapalooza of secret codes, hashtags, and doctored images that will elicit tears of laughter from one eye, and tears of sadness from the other.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Sep 10, 2016
• ISBN: 9781365356858

Peter Dabbene

Peter Dabbene has also written Prime Movements, a collection of short stories, and The Invisible Book, a nine hundred page novel about marketing fraud.

Book preview

The End of Spamming the Spammers (With Dieter P. Bieny)

THE END OF SPAMMING THE SPAMMERS (with Dieter P. Bieny)

Copyright Information

Other books by Peter Dabbene:

Prime Movements

Mister Dreyfus’ Demons

Glossolalia

Optimism

Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny)

ARK

Robin Hood

More Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny)

www.peterdabbene.com

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing: June 2016

ISBN (softcover): 978-1-365-10484-8

ISBN (ebook): 978-1-365-35685-8

All images in this book are readily available though various free sources on the Internet and are believed to be in public domain. Any copyrighted Images used herein are used within rights according to the U.S. Copyright Fair Use Act (title 17, U.S. Code.)

All images and documents in this book are produced (or reproduced) with the sole intent of parody and entertainment. Precedent for such fair use treatment has been established in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. and other relevant cases.

This book is copyright © 2016 Peter Dabbene. All rights reserved.

Cover and book design by Peter Dabbene.

Cover image by Franck Cahmi, used by permission.

INTRODUCTION

All good things must end.

After a year and a half of responding to spammers (the results of which are collected in the books Spamming the Spammers and More Spamming the Spammers), I was starting to wonder: had I mined every last nugget of entertainment from the rich veins of spammer e-mails? Had I beaten the spam horse until it could offer nothing more than a final, dying whimper? Had I exhausted my ability to reply to these messages, as I've just now exhausted my supply of metaphors?

As it happened, I hadn't.

Dieter P. Bieny, my alter ego, continued to deliver provocations and romantic overtures, aided by fake images and fictitious occupations. But as the ideas that crossed my brain became more and more outrageous, it became less and less likely that the spammers would entertainingly engage. Even spammers have their limits, one apparently being the willing use of semaphore flags to encode their communications.

Did Dieter make a difference, in the end? Spammers gotta spam, and the industry, if one can call it that, will continue. But maybe a few spammers will think twice about scamming rich, stupid Americans. Maybe, like some artists, Dieter will be appreciated only long after he's gone. Or, like many more, perhaps Dieter and his exploits will simply fade into obscurity. 

One day, Dieter may be needed again, and like King Arthur or the A-Team, he will appear when summoned to do his duty. Until then, on behalf of Dieter, I bid you auf wiedersehen.

Yours in deceit,

Peter Dabbene

CONTENTS

EXCHANGE #1 (MR. ADAMS MENSAH)

EXCHANGE #2  (MR. KENNEDY YOUNG)

EXCHANGE #3  (MR. MORGAN HANS)

EXCHANGE #4  (MRS. ANGELA BENJAMIN)       

EXCHANGE #5  (MRS. AMINA YAKOWA)

EXCHANGE #6  (SHEIKH ABDULLAH)                

EXCHANGE #7 (REFAAT H. MORGAN)   

EXCHANGE #8 (MR. JOSEPH FOFANA)              

EXCHANGE #9 (MRS. JOSEPHINE AJONUMA)

EXCHANGE #10 (MRS. HELEN GEORGE)   

EXCHANGE #11 (MR. FRANKLIN JOHNSON)

EXCHANGE #12 (CAPTAIN RAMSEY BLAKE)

EXCHANGE #13 (MRS. HASHEMI)             

EXCHANGE #14 (LINDA HILLS AND JEFFREY SIMPSON)

EXCHANGE #15 (ADAMA BANGURA)

EXCHANGE #16 (JAMES ALLISTER)

EXCHANGE #17 (AMYAS MORSE)

EXCHANGE #18 (BARRISTER ANDREW STEPHENS)

EXCHANGE #19 (RUBBY LOVE)

EXCHANGE #20 (LAURENCE W. THOMAS)

EXCHANGE #21 (ALLEN LARGE)

EXCHANGE #22 (YASMIN TURAI)

EXCHANGE #23 (DR. MARK PHILLIPS)

EXCHANGE #24 (SONIA ABIDAH)

EXCHANGE #25 (MISS CARMAN YOUNG)

EXCHANGE #26 (MISS ROSE ALBERT)

EXCHANGE #27 (MR. DESMOND MAKADO)

EXCHANGE #1 (MR. ADAMS MENSAH)

We begin with Adams Mensah, and another bank plagued by the common problem of excess profit. If YOUR bank suffers from excess profit, Adams will be happy to talk about the clandestine removal of said excess, nipping it off like so much unwanted body hair. When it comes to the actual implementation of that plan, however, Adams can’t seem to get his act together.  

AGRIC BANK GHANA‏

From: MR. ADAMS MENSAH ([e-mail])

11/14/12

FROM THE DESK OF

MR ADAMS MENSAH.

REGIONAL MANAGER

AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT BANK

KWASHIMAN BRANCH GHANA.

HELLO DEAR,

My name is Adams Mensah, I am the regional manager of the Agricultural Development Bank Kwashiman branch Ghana.I got your information during my search through the Internet. I am 48years of age and married with 3 lovely kids. It may interest you to hear that I am a man of PEACE and don't want problem,but i don't know how you will feel about this because you might feel that its scam yes there are many spammers. but am telling you that this is real and you are not going to regret after doing this transaction with me. I only hope we can assist each other. But If you don't want this business offer kindly forget it as I will not contact you again.

I have packaged a financial transaction that will benefit both of us,as the regional manager of the  Agricultural Development Bank; it is my duty to send in a financial report to my head office in the capital city Accra-Ghana at the end of each year. On the course of the last year 2011 end of year  report,I discovered that my branch in which I am the manager made Three million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollar which my head office are not aware of and will never be aware of. I have since place this fund on what we call SUSPENSE ACCOUNT without any beneficiary.

As an officer of the bank I can not be directly connected to this money,so this informed my contacting you for us to work so that you can assist receive this money into your bank account for us to SHARE. While you will have 40% of the total fund .Note there are practically no risk involved, it will be bank to bank transfer,all I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of this fund who made the deposit with our branch so that my Head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account. If you accept this offer to work with me, I will appreciate it very much.As soon as I receive your response I will details you on how we can achieve it successfully.Kindly respond to me via [[e-mail]]

Best Regards

MR Adams Mensah

RE: Hello Mr. Adams‏

11/14/12

To: [e-mail]

Hello Mr. Adams,

How are you and your Adams family? Mysterious and spooky? All together ooky? Oh, I've got that wrong--Mensah is your family name. Like the organization for really smart people. But wait, that's spelled Mensa. Are you at least a mensch?

Regardless, Adams, I am intrigued by your offer of the bountiful fruits of creative accounting. Do tell me more, that I may be rich.

Thanks,

Dieter

RE: SHARING is fun‏

11/15/12

To: [e-mail], [e-mail]

Adams, I want to SHARE your SUSPENSE ACCOUNT PEACEfully. Please send me the details of your insidious plan.

Thanks,

Dieter

My Response‏

Mensah Adams ([e-mail])

11/16/12

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your quick response, i also appreciate your interest and willingness to help actualize this transaction.I wish to let you know that this is a bank-to-bank transfer, I also want you to know that the management of my bank must not know that I'm involved in this transaction.i contacted you so that we can work together with oneness and with your full co-operation the fund will be released in your name. I'm a God fearing person and I'm a Christian, also I want you to be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free.

To clarify you more on the source of the fund. The said fund is the Excess profit that was made for the year 2011 at the closing balance of my bank last year. I have kept this fund in an escrow coded account until this date. Since there was no any trace since the fund was deposited in my bank, i now decided to transfer the fund out of Ghana for our benefit. I wish to inform you that this transaction has been packaged in a professional way to benefit both of us. i do not have a foreign bank account where this fund can be transferred and I as a banker can not claim the fund as the owner.

For this reason i have to seek for your assistance to stand as the owner and the fund will be transferred into your provided account. All I require from you is your maximum co-operation as the fund is to be transferred telegraphically from our Head office situated at the Capital City of Accra Ghana. I only require your

1) Home And Office Address

2) Occupation

3) Full Name

4) Age

5) Country Of Origin

6) Telephone Number

All the above information of yours will be programmed in the network computer database system in my branch as a foreign investor who deposited the said fund in my branch. i will also guide you, as you will apply from our Head office where the fund will be further transferred to your designated bank account. immediately I received the above information of yours I will prepare a back dated Initial deposit slip on your name, as my head office might request for such document at the process of transferring the fund to your bank account.

After the successful transfer of the fund,I will come over to meet you in your country, or any country where you want us to meet for sharing according to already mapped out percentage. i will expect the above information as soon as possible. I will also need your telephone number to call you when it deem necessary.

With Regards,

Mr.Adams Mensah

RE: Loving, ferocious God‏

11/16/12

To: [e-mail]

Hello Adams,

We are of the same mind then—I too fear God, as he always seems to be blinding someone, or sending a plague of locusts, or allowing the mass extermination of firstborn children, in the old Bible stories. In fact, I generally go about my day showing God the same false and paranoid sense of respect that the townsfolk showed young Bill Mumy's character in the famous Twilight Zone episode It's a Good Life.

Here is the information you requested:

1) Home address: 38 Serling Lane, Hamilton NJ 08690 (The Twilight Zone); Office address: 387 Fifth Ave. NY, NY 10016 (The Outer Limits)

2) Host/TV producer/writer

3) Dieter P. Bieny

4) 55

5) U.S.A.

6) I prefer the use of e-mail

Adams, before I trust you with this transaction, I will need some kind of proof that you are who you say you are. Please supply a photo of yourself or your family holding a recent newspaper, if possible. Or a photo of you blowing out a birthday cake, that would be fine also.

Thank you,

Dieter

Adams, why the delay?‏

11/19/12

To: [e-mail]

Come in, 1-Adams-12,

I provided my info and asked for a picture or some form of ID from you. Please respond ASAP, we've got a lot to do—there's a 187 on Ventura and a domestic on Wilshire involving a pogo stick.

Dieter, out

RE: Adams, why the delay?‏

From: Mensah Adams ([e-mail])

11/19/12

the account is going to be activated with a little money so till i have that funding to do it please wait.

because if i ask you to come up with the funding to make it work without delay you say no so please once i have the funds to proceed i will proceed

Mensah

RE: Adams, I am waiting for you. Maybe I will wait forever... but maybe not.‏

11/19/12

To: [e-mail]

Dear Mensah,

You do make all this very convincing. All right, I will wait—but not patiently. And I would still like to see a picture of you.

Your friend,

Dieter

RE: Yours is not an efficient operation, I can see...‏

11/22/12

To: [e-mail]

Adams,

I wait day after day for your response, and yet I hear nothing. Haven't you done this sort of thing before? What is the holdup? And where is your picture?

If you need me to open an account for you, you can send me the money and I will happily do so.

Ready and able to assist,

Dieter

RE: Your plan has been aged like a fine wine... is it now ready for consumption?‏

11/27/12

To: [e-mail]

Adams,

Have you earned the money to open the account yet? If it would help, you could fly over and earn some money here, raking leaves.

Let me know, Adams.

Dieter

RE: Be a mensch and let's get going!‏

12/03/12

To: [e-mail]

Dear Mensah,

Be a mensch and proceed with your plan, already! I should wait here forever?

If you need help with filling out paperwork to open the account, just send over your personal information and I'll take care of the rest. And I'll also need a photo ID of yours.

Your schlemiel (or am I your schlamazel?),

Dieter

EXCHANGE #2 (MR. KENNEDY YOUNG)

To Kennedy Young, Dieter speaks metaphor and quizzical, Frankenstein inspiration. Confuse and confirm to friendly surplus. Fund awaiting gratuities. Reply indecent to continuity. Grumblings accrue. Mortality evades, except Tuesdays.

Urgent information of your payment.‏

From: mr.kennedy​young@yahoo​.com ([e-mail])

11/19/12

Attn: Beneficiary

My name is Mr. Kennedy Young, I am the new Director of foreign

remittance dept FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.I discover your name was

among one of beneficiary who suppose to receive their fund for

sometimes ago, I discover your payment file in my office, We are about

to starting final auditing of year 2012, Does it mean you have decided

to abandon your fund or you have get tired or discourage from your

representative standing as your business partner in receiving your

fund.

Do you realize sometimes ago your payment was approved by CENTRAL BANK

OF NIGERIA and the transfer of your fund was shifted to FIRST BANK OF

NIGERIA PLC for your payment. If I may ask you did your representative

who is standing as your business partner in receiving your fund

informed you?

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Kennedy Young

Director foreign remittance dept

FRIST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.

RE: Urgent information of your payment.‏

11/19/12

To: [e-mail]

Dear Roland Wilson, or William Kennedy Smith, or whoever you are,

My name Dieter P. Bieny. Me was not aware or inform re: my fund. Faithful abandon to go and clear it. Excellent posture to promulgate. Carson king of late night. Life go lucky happy except Tuesdays. Fire bad. Goodbye, and hello.

Sincerely,

Dieter P. Bieny

EXCHANGE #3 (MR. MORGAN HANS)

Mr. Morgan Hans seemed to have it all figured out, but he shied away from signing a blood pact with the devilish Dieter. Pinky swears don’t cut it—the world of spammers is no place for the squeamish, Morgan.

PLEASE I NEED YOUR URGENT ATTENTION / OPEN THE ATTACHED DOCUMENT AND CONFIRM RECEIPT IMMEDIATELY

From: Morgan Hans ([e-mail])

Sent:Fri 12/14/12 4:09 AM

Standard Bank South Africa                                      Standard Bank

From Mr. Morgan Hans

Private Email: [e-mail]

Private Tele: 0027748409773

Attention: Sir/Madam,

I am Mr. Morgan Hans, the Financial Adviser of STANDARD BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA. Your contact information was obtained from the portal directory of your Country at the South African information exchange department of the South African Chambers of Commerce and Industry Johannesburg on my search for a trustworthy and reputable individual or company that can handle some investment on my behalf in your Country hence I am contacting you.

There is an account opened in this bank since January 6 1998 and since December 2006 nobody has operated on this account again. After going through some old files in the records, I discovered that if I don't remit this money out urgently it would be forfeited for nothing. The owner of this account is Mr. Daan Erik, a Dutch national and a mining contractor at Anglo Gold Co-operation, a geologist by profession and he died on holiday to Brazil since the Sept 30 2006 in the Gol Airline Boeing 737-800 plane that crashed in the Brazilian Amazon region killing all the 155 passengers and crew members on board.

No other person knows about this account or anything concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary and my     investigation proved to me as well that the company does not know anything about this account and the amount involved is USD$25,000.000,00 (Twenty Five Million United States Dollars). I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local bank account holder here, but can only be approved to any foreign account holder because the money is in United States Dollars and the owner of the account Mr. Daan Erik is a foreigner too. I need a truthful person in this transaction because I don't want to make mistakes or lose this opportunity.

I need your strong assurance, trust and consent in this transaction to enable me present you as the next of kin to Mr.     Daan Erik and process the transfer of the funds to you. With my position now in the office, I can transfer this money to any    foreign reliable account, through on-line banking or Telegraphic Transfer (T.T) which you can provide with assurance that this money will be intact and safe in your hands pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing. I will apply for annual leave to get a visa immediately I hear from you that you are ready to act and receive this money in your account.

At the conclusion of this business, I will come to your country for withdrawal and sharing and other investments of my part of the