Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny)

By Peter Dabbene

You've got spam! And so does everyone else. But what happens when you reply to those spam e-mails? Dieter P. Bieny finds out by engaging in humorous exchanges with real spammers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 22, 2013
• ISBN: 9781300450634

Peter Dabbene

Peter Dabbene has also written Prime Movements, a collection of short stories, and The Invisible Book, a nine hundred page novel about marketing fraud.

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Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny)

SPAMMING THE SPAMMERS (with Dieter P. Bieny)

business man silhouette-3838 (paid for no watermark) (4 X 3)

Copyright Information

All images in this book are readily available though various free sources on the Internet and are believed to be in public domain. Any copyrighted Images used herein are used within rights according to the U.S. Copyright Fair Use Act (title 17, U.S. Code.)

All images and documents in this book are  produced (or reproduced) with the sole intent of parody and entertainment. Precedent for such fair use treatment has been established in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. and other relevant cases.

This book is copyright © 2013 Peter Dabbene. All rights reserved.

Cover and book design by Peter Dabbene.

Cover image by Franck Cahmi, used by permission.

Other books by Peter Dabbene:

Prime Movements

Mister Dreyfus’ Demons

Glossolalia

Optimism

http://www.peterdabbene.com

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing: January 2013

ISBN:978-1-300-38907-1 (softcover)

ISBN:978-1-300-45063-4 (ebook)

INTRODUCTION

It began innocently enough: a frustrating day with the kids,  the need for some short, focused entertainment, and an intriguing e-mail fished out of the junk mail folder from one Augustine Dinga. I don’t know whether Augustine was his real name or not, but the e-mail conversation that developed over the next few days proved an entertaining stress reliever for me.

I began making regular forays into the junk mail folder—often, I must admit, more excited about what I might find there than in the contents of my non-junk e-mail folder. The strange vocabulary, unlikely grammar, and tortured logic of these e-mails were fascinating, and the fact that the person on the other side was trying to scam money from me gave my conscience free rein to fight fire with fire.

My first response was signed Pete, but I soon developed an alter ego—Dieter P. Bieny, confused and exasperating would-be sucker. Dieter’s age varied from 5:5 (you’ll see why) to 110, but he was always ready to take part in an offer to pose as a dead man’s next of kin, or wire money for processing fees on a big lottery win.

My early conversations were marked by naïveté, but as I gained experience, I learned which of the scammers’ buttons I could push without a problem, and which topics or taboos, when violated, would end the exchange instantly.  Most importantly, I learned that the longer a conversation went on, and the more invested the scammer became, the more likely he or she was to overlook the ridiculous things I’d write.

On some level, I saw myself as a courier of karma, delivering to those who deserved a little screwing with. But if I’m being honest, I have to confess that my prime motivation was simply my own amusement. It was only after disclosing some details of my new hobby to friends that I realized other people might also find these exchanges entertaining.

So, here we are. Everything appears exactly as it did in the original e-mails, including my intentional misspellings and grammatical mistakes—mirroring the scammers’ e-mails, hopefully to humorous effect. The one exception is my own e-mail address, which has been deleted. After all, I don’t want a bunch of junk e-mails, do I?

Reading these e-mails, one wonders why the spammers don’t hire a proofreader. But then, one wonders the same thing about most Chinese restaurant menus.

To make it clear who’s writing, I’ve generally included the from line above the date for e-mails from spammers, and the to line below the date if the e-mail is from me. Spam e-mails are in their original fonts and format, whenever possible. Most exchanges end with a final attempt by me to keep the conversation alive. It’s not the most dignified conclusion, but I comfort myself by imagining the level of frustration it must take for a scammer to decide it’s not worth it to reply to a potential mark.

There are photos throughout this book. Dieter Bieny’s appearance varies with my own whims, and with the requirements of each particular spam scam—Photoshop is a wonderful thing. As for the photos I received in these e-mails, I can’t say who the subjects are. The scammers themselves? Innocent family members? Random strangers, their photos lifted from obscure websites?

My one ground rule during these e-mail conversations was simple: no phone calls. I didn’t need any unexpected long-distance charges for calling Africa or wherever, and my wife might have drawn the line on this little escapade if she’d started fielding calls from angry foreigners with redial buttons claiming Dieter Bieny owed them money.

Spam e-mails, to me, are reminiscent of those notes from kidnappers or serial killers, in which letters are cut out from various newspapers and magazines and pasted together to create a message. There is a message—usually—but it’s put together so bizarrely that at times, it can be nearly incomprehensible. Despite the difficulty, I encourage you to wade through the details of the various plans proposed to me. I think you’ll find that in deleting spam without first reading it, you’ve been missing out on some truly golden opportunities.

Yours in deceit,

Peter Dabbene

EXCHANGE #1 (AUGUSTINE DINGA)

Ah, Mr. Dinga... they say you always remember your first, and Mr. Dinga is no exception. I was innocent then... so innocent I actually signed off as Pete in my first reply.  Mr. Dinga was oh so seductive, with his sweetly spun tale of $23.5 million yet to be claimed. In the end he abandoned me, but I grew wiser from the experience.

This first exchange marks the debut appearance of Dieter P. Bieny, a most handsome man who, thanks to the wonders of Photoshop, bears more than a passing resemblance to movie star Brad Pitt. Apparently, Brad Pitt’s international stardom does not reach the levels one might expect, as no one ever seems to recognize him.

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2011 06:42:06 -0700

From: [e-mail]

Subject: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

PLEASE VIEW THE ATTACHED FILE FOR DETAILS.

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Sent:Sat 6/25/11 11:01 PM

To: [e-mail]

Having trouble reading attachment... please send as a regular e-mail without attachment. Thanks,

Pete

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

From:augustine dinga ([e-mail])

Sent:Mon 6/27/11 1:39 AM

Dear Friend,

Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it with seriousness. This letter must come to you as a big surprise, but I believe it is only a day that people meet and become great friends and business partners .This is a personal email directed to you and I request that it be treated as such it is not a hoax mail please.

I am Barrister Augustine Dinga, a solicitor at law and the personal attorney/sole executor to a deceased Client of mine who bear the same last name with you, hereinafter referred to as 'my client' who worked as an independent Diamond magnate in my country and who died in the AF4590 France concord plane crash with his immediate family on Monday 31 July, 2000. Since the death of my client in 31 July, 2000, I have written several letters to the embassy with intent to locate any of his extended relatives whom shall be claimants/beneficiaries of his abandoned personal estate and all such efforts have been to no avail.

Moreso,I have received official letters from the bank in the last few weeks suggesting a likely proceeding for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets( Fund) in line with existing laws by the bank in which my client deposited the sum of $23.5 Million Dollars . According to the Government Law as provided in section 129 sub 63(N), South African Banking Edit of 1961 at the expiration of 10 years the fund will revert to the ownership of the South African Government, if nobody applies to claim the fund

On this note i decided to search for a credible person and finding that you bear a similar last name, I was urged to contact you that I may, with your consent, present you to the bank as my late client's surviving family member so as to enable you put up a claim to the bank in that capacity as a next of kin of my client so that the proceeds of this account valued at $23.5million can be paid to you, so we can share the amount on a mutually agreed percentage of 60% for me 40% for you.

Therefore, to facilitate the immediate transfer of this fund, you need, first to contact me via email signifying your interest and as soon as I obtain your confidence, I will immediately forward to you details and agreement that will bind us in this transaction upon the receipt of your reply. The process is legal and 100% risk free and will guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law in your country.

Send the below information as soon as possible to enable me prepare the memorandum of understanding between us and also to procure the required documents from the appropriate authorities without further delays.

1. Your Full Name 2. Your Private Telephone Numbers and Fax Number 3. Your Contact Address. (House Address)

4. Age and occupation

And until the whole documents are secured legally, I want this fund to remain known only to you.

Your immediate response will be highly appreciated to avoid making further contacts.

Regards

Augustine Dinga (ESQ)

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Sent:Mon 6/27/11 11:50 AM

To: [e-mail]

Dear Augustine,

I am responding immediately regarding the immediate transfer of $9.4 million (truth in advertising = $23.5 million X my 40% cut = $9.4 million) to my account, since it seemed urgent and... immediate. I, too believe it is only a day and urge you, too, not to treat this as a hoax.

I don't have a common last name, and wasn't aware of any rich diamond magnates in the family, but given the motley assortment of family members I do have, I figure I've got a rich uncle or two coming to me. So let this e-mail signify my interest in receiving $9.4 million (immediately) and please immediately forward the details and agreement. I'm also glad that it's 100% risk-free, otherwise I might think this was a hoax or something.

Please prepare the memorandum of understanding using the following information:

Full name: Dieter P. Bieny

Phone: (I use e-mail exclusively)

Contact address: 6000 East Meadow Gate Blvd. (The Caverns at Quail Ridge), Kuserville, NJ 08610 

Age: 32

Occupation: Artist (Con)

I will tell no one else of this, not even my dog. I surely don't want to have to share the $9.4 million with anyone else. Again, I am responding immediately as requested by you so that you can avoid making further contacts.

Have a great day,

Dieter

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

From:augustine dinga ([e-mail])

Sent:Mon 6/27/11 2:21 PM

Dear Dieter P. Bieny,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your e-mail which was in response to my proposed transaction with you.

Firstly, I want to thank you for the prompt response and your positive disposition towards assisting me in this mutual beneficial transaction. Your role is basically to front as the next of kin to the deceased account holder (Late Mr. Andreas Schranner) so as to put in claims for these funds valued at $23.5 Million as the next of Kin.

Before we proceed, I would require from you Any form of identification of yourself .Once I get the above information from you, I would then be sending you an attachment of my ID which would be scanned and send via email. Please keep it confidential whenever you receive it and also any thing in respect of this transaction. I need you to send me any valid form of identification e.g. your drivers license or a copy of your international passport (information page only). You can scan and send them to me through email as an attachment so that I can know exactly whom I am dealing with. This is very important for us to begin.

Note that I am an attorney who knows the intricacies about inheritance claims as the case may be. Therefore, I would handle all aspects with the documentation at the department of foreign affairs which will lead to the release of these funds in your favour into your bank account as swiftly as possible. I would secure the change of beneficiary documents in your favour at the ministry of finance here in the South Africa as all modalities have commenced with the receipt of your email today for us to achieve our goal.

Once this is presented to the bank, an approval for the deposit will be granted based on the back up documents that would be secured from the High Court and these funds would be paid to you as the next of kin and as specified in the beneficiary application for these funds.

Please, take note that I am 50 years old and I have put in over 19 years and I would not want to compromise my career. Please keep this matter highly confidential. If I could do this alone, I would not have contacted you in the first place. I believe that I have been explicit enough. You shall be duly compensated as earlier stated.

I will await your urgent response for us to proceed further and do try to send down all the required information immediately. Please call me on this number when you receive my message.

Direct Telephone  :[phone]

Regard and God bless

Barrister Augustine Dinga

Direct Telephone  :[phone]

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Sent:Tue 6/28/11 7:10 AM

To: [e-mail]

View Dieter Bi...jpg in slide show

Dear Augustine,

This is to acknowledge your acknowledgment of the receipt of my e-mail which was in response to your proposed transaction with me. (Whew!)

I am very excited to get my money. I think the first thing I will do when I receive my money is fly over to South Africa and find you, so that we can celebrate our good fortune. I am glad that this scenario, in which I act as the next of kin to someone I am not actually related to, is not fraudulent. Because when I am taken in by people I first seem able to trust, I get very, very angry, and vindictive. Sometimes murderous. It is a problem to which my parole officer can testify.

Attached is my proof of identification. I don't drive or have a passport, but I do have other forms of ID, such as the Six Flags Great Adventure 2010 3-Park Season Pass (with parking) that I have attached. I am also ready to receive your scanned identification via e-mail. I am holding all of this confidential, though my dog is growing a little suspicious of the whole thing. She barks at me when I sit down to respond to your e-mails. But I guess that's why dogs aren't millionaires, right?

Please proceed to commence all modalities.

Thanks,

Dieter

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Sent:Thu 6/30/11 10:07 AM

To: [e-mail]

Dear Augustine,

I have not yet received reply from you, and I am fearing you have gone elsewhere in your quest to extract money from a dead man's pockets. Please inform me as to your current status, and the status of my $9.4 million, as I wish to extract it from you as quickly as possible.

Dieter

RE: immediate transfer of $23.5 Million Dollars to you

Sent:Tue 7/05/11 8:41 AM

To: [e-mail]

Dear Augustine,

I feel we have reached a crossroads in our relationship. Having not heard from you in a week, I feel as though I have been forsaken, and that you have found some other willing accomplice to share in the fortune of riches you promise. Please let it not be so. There are only so many chances one gets at being a millionaire, and such offers certainly don't pop up in one's e-mail inbox every other day with disturbing regularity.

I have done everything you asked, provided my ID and address to you and await your further response. If there is anything I have done to offend you and waive my right to the dinero, money, scratch, moolah, dough, please at least tell me. Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.

If you need any further info I will gladly surrender it to you in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

I await your response.

Your ever-faithful patsy,

Dieter

EXCHANGE #2  (MR. RICHARD TANG YAT SUN)

Mr. Tang had an intriguing story... his was the first of several tales of dead Iraqis and hidden wealth. Alas, Mr. Tang didn’t seem very focused. Like many men who juggle multiple relationships, he seemed to lose track of what he’d told me, which quickly led to a lack of trust between us. I am not blameless, having provided two sets of personal information to him—but at the start of a new relationship, who doesn’t lie about one’s age? Or address? Or occupation? Regardless of his reasons, when I shared my most intimate details with him, he panicked and ran for the hills.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE

From: Mr. Richard Tang Yat Sun ([e-mail]) clear

Sent: Wed 7/06/11 11:05 PM

Good Day,

I work with the hang seng Bank Hong Kong.I have a business proposition for you involving the sum of US$24.5m in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to