But I Loved Him

By Andrea R. Cunningham

Aubrey and Julian, a match made somewhere other than Heaven. What do you do when you can't have the one you want and know they're not the one you need?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Dec 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781329785595

Book preview

But I Loved Him

ANDREA R. CUNNINGHAM

AIM HIGHER PUBLISHING

eBook ISBN: 978-1-329-78559-5

© 2015 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

DEDICATION

Julian, THANK YOU FOR LUSTING (always), LOVING (never said it) AND LEAVING ME (I know you had to).

YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR IMPRINT ALL OVER ME, FOREVER.

I love you.

Honestly I never wanted to write this story because I knew in writing it that it would signify that we were finally over.

I needed to have an ending to write, and now I have it.

I will never forget you.

E. L. R. thank you for loving me from 1982 on.  Friends for life!

TRAINING DAY

Denzel Washington was and will always be one of my favorite actors. I remember when Oprah spoke of him so highly, saying that she cried the first time she saw him on screen, a Black Man that spoke eloquently and was beautiful to admire on the big screen.  Over the years he did indeed become everything she prophesied that day on her show.

For a longggg time I hated that he won an Academy award for being a horribly corrupt cop in the movie Training Day.  I mean this man had played Malcolm X and so many other powerful roles that he should have won awards for. Why give it to him for playing the typical Black bad guy who happened to have and abuse his badge? I’m sure he was happy to have the accolade no matter what, but it still singed by spirit that Hollywood would not recognize all of his great talent.

So this brings me to the beginning of my tale. Me, the young, rookie customer service rep. Julian coming fresh from the South, with all of his swagger and charm.  It was a comet in the middle of an eclipse the day he walked into the training room, the last person to enter before the instructor, and captured my heart.

We were all seated comfortably at a huge conference table. I was dressed in something basic and work casual.  Doodling in my notepad, anxious to see what this new job would entail and why they had already promised us eight weeks of pre-training. UGH! I looked up to a deep voice saying hello to the room and there he was.

He was not very tall, but taller than my short self with bright brown eyes and a killer smirk.  When people wrote love songs about love at first sight I thought they were bull-shitting. It had to be just lust at first, right? To see someone and imagine how your hands would look placed over their shoulders, their neck just within your mouth’s reach? That can’t be love.  It’s the purely physical reaction you get when you see someone who makes you tingle. Right?

So why did I know in that instant that I would never be able to let this man go?

The instructor arrived in the room, late, as would be his norm.  His name was Johnathan and he was a flashy, gold-wearing, office gigolo and that was evident from day one.  We were a rag-tag bunch of new recruits. There were a few Asian people, about three from Ethiopia, us regular Blacks and some White people to round out the bunch.  The women were all pretty, it was an odd combination of brains and beauty as I would find out in the weeks to come.

They gave us a quick tour of the main floor with one smart ass yelling out, Welcome to Parris Island.  I was not one to be scared by the threat of corporate slavery since I had previously worked in the trenches of a customer service department for a student loan company. So I laughed when I heard his ‘warning’.

Finally we settled into the room that would be our little home for the next two months.  I took a seat in the far corner of the back row, not wanting to be distracted by anyone during this time that I was trying to pick up all the nuances of the job.

My heart soared and sank when he came into the room and took the only chair beside me.  I was shook from the inside out and I was sure everyone could tell.

Hi, I’m Julian. Even the way he said his name was sexy and I was trying to formulate my hello before I stuttered like an idiot.

I’m Aubrey, nice to meet you.  I guess we’re in prison now or something?

He laughed a deep throaty type laugh and I was drowning.

I’ve been to Parris Island, it actually wasn’t that bad.

Oh, so you’re ex-military? I said with genuine curiosity and was happy that the butterflies were settling down to let me converse like a normal human.

Yeah I did some time in the Army.

Johnathan called the class to order and we adjusted ourselves to get ready for learning.  My focus was already shot to hell because he smelled so good and I could hear his slight breathing.  On the other side of him was a guy named Kevin and a few other names had caught my ear as the instructor made us introduce ourselves to the rest of the class.

That first night was pretty uneventful as we were given the company standards, the basic overview of the job and how training would proceed for the next sixty days. I was semi-convinced that I would flunk every test from the door if I didn’t find a way to move my seat away from Mr. Hotness, but I’d worry about that when the time came.

We were promised two breaks and lunch.  Johnathan swore he was prompt and would not tolerate any foolishness.  I looked at Julian and he laughed. I knew I had a partner in fuckery already.  This was going to be an interesting two months for sure.

I had a few friends already at the job so we spent lunch times and breaks together.

So who is the country motherfucker that keeps looking over here at you? My friend Elynn didn’t miss a thing.

He’s my training buddy Julian. I said while sipping a lemon-lime soda and trying not to choke on the straw. I could feel him watching me from the next table.  He was sitting with Kevin and Mike and although they were heavily into a sports conversation he was staring directly at me.

Wow, that dude has laser vision!  What are you going to do with yourself Missy? I know you won’t be saying ‘no’ to that forever.

It’s the first day of training El….I know the novelty will wear off. I said this with my toes crossed, knowing that there was no way I was NOT going to have some kind of intimate relations with this man.

"Just be careful girl.  Run him through the network and find out all you need to know before you take your bra off."

I got it and thank you for the advice. I packed my soda and snack crackers up and went back to the training room.  Somehow Jules made it back to the room and to our seats before I did.  As I walked past to go into my corner window seat, he muttered something under his breath.

What did you say? I said as I readjusted my seat and dug in my purse for some lip gloss.

I said I don’t even know you yet, but I want you. Sorry I was mumbling.

I stopped mid-swipe and looked him in the eye before I started to speak.

I was not born yesterday and I KNOW there gotta be a woman waiting on you somewhere.

He laughed and shook his head ‘no’. I finished with my gloss and went back to my bag for some gum.

Do you want a piece? I said without looking up because I knew he was still staring at me.

I want more than a piece…but yes, I will take a stick of gum Aubrey.

Again he’d caught me off guard and I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs.  I handed him the gum packet and he took two pieces. 

One for now and one for later. He said with a grin.

I tried to ignore what he said, but his intense stare was running circles up and down my spine. Finally I looked up at him.  He was chewing the gum slowly, thoughtfully.

I think you like me too Miss Aubrey, and this is only Day One.

There was no responding to that.  I was reacting to this man in a way that I’d never thought possible.  I’d only been in love once before and that had ended horribly decades before this encounter.  There was no way I was going to take my heart out and smash it on the back wall of this training room for this man.  No way.

I swung my legs under the table, smoothed my hair and tried to focus on Johnathan at the front of the room. I was stronger than this.  I could maintain my composure and focus on being a good employee.  I remembered a quote from my friend, Preston, who had passed on to glory too soon.

Never date someone you work with because you know how much they make. I smiled as his words rolled around in my brain and convinced myself that this was just a momentary crush that I’d be done with by the end of the week.  That was a Monday.

THE STUDIO

In addition to trying to work a real job, I was struggling to get a good recording of my voice done. I’d been working with my ex-boyfriend’s best friend, who had another friend who had a studio in the attic of his house.  We had scheduled this studio session way before I’d taken this job. During breaks and lunch at work, I’d told Jules about the opportunity and he started to laugh.

So you are taking your fine ass into a studio at midnight with a bunch of dudes?  Oh hell no, I’m going with you, that’s as long as you can give me a ride home?

There were several things that stuck out at me about this exchange.  One, of course, he thought I was ‘fine’, two, he was concerned for my safety which was hilarious because these guys were like the Neptunes before they were even a thing.  Imagine the cast