Grace for Parents

By Brandi K. Harris

A lot of people have probably already told you how to parent, but maybe no one's told you just to do your best. And maybe no one's told you that doing your best sometimes looks like falling on your face. This is my story of a real person raising real kids; it's about the grace I found it takes to be a good parent.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781312794597

Book preview

Grace for Parents

Grace for Parents

My story of a real person raising real kids

Brandi K. Harris

Edited by

Beth West

Marla Freeman &

Christine Bott

Copyright © 2015 by Brandi K. Harris

Published by Brandi K. Harris, M.S. LMFT (OK), LAC & LAMFT (AR)

Created by Brandi K. Harris

Oaks Counseling

6815 Isaac’s Orchard

Suite B1

Springdale, AR  72762

www.oakscounseling.net

ISBN 978-1-312-79459-7

Cover design by Laura Johns

Cover illustration by Jude Harris (age 7): The Harris Family

Inside illustrations by

India Harris (age 9): My Big Family

Sam Harris (age 5): My Family with Slippers

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided for by the USA copyright law.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version Ⓡ, NIV Ⓡ. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

First publication: 2015

Acknowledgements

For my dad,

who always says parents should be required to at least

take a parenting class before they can have kids.

For every parent,

who ever said in an exasperated voice,

These things don’t come with a manual!

And for my kids,

who always ask me to tell stories.

Thank You

To Jesus

Your grace is all I need.

To my parental mentors

Charlie & Heidi Loften - Dave & Cathy Flack - Matt & Kris Anderson

and tons of other honest parents

Y’all have barged the path ahead of us.

Your willingness to share your struggles has given me

the grace to survive as a parent.

To my family

India, for the joy you bring me, especially in your creativity.

What would I do without my girl?

Jude, for the kindness you share.

The heart God gave you is so beautiful, it brings me tears of repentance.

Sam, for the happiness you carry wherever you go.

The twinkle in your eye always makes me smile.

Cass, for putting up with all my crazy and loving me anyway.

I never could have picked a better match for myself.

Mom, for generously serving me and my family.

Dad, for your compassion towards me, even when I’ve been ugly.

Nanny, for being my cheerleader.

Pops, for your gentle wisdom.

Carrie, for reminding me that I don’t have to be strong.

All the rest of this wild bunch, for making me who I am.

To my editors

Beth - Marla - Christine

You girls gave up your time and knowledge

without any certainty of return.

Your encouragement and constructive criticism have been crucial.

To my cover designer

Laura, I knew from that first swim t-shirt that you had great talent.

You’re going to win me a few readers, I know it.

The Setup

As a practicing counselor, I’ve witnessed family after family struggle with the challenge of growing healthy kids in the context of a culture that values perfection and appearances. It’s embarrassing to fail. It’s embarrassing to be broken. It’s embarrassing to be out of control. So we desperately try to perfect our imperfect children, setting ourselves up for great frustration.

There is so much advice telling us how to parent. We find books commanding us to do all sorts of things—often contradicting each other. Schedule to the minute! Let the baby lead the way! Shelter them! Don’t helicopter! Bottle-feed! Breastfeed! Mothers should be the primary caregiver! Both parents should share the work! The pressure is overwhelming, the messages are confusing, and the expectations are impossible. We don’t hear enough people telling us to just do our best, and hardly anyone lets us know that doing our best often looks like falling on our faces.

I have three children, currently ages five, seven, and nine, which means I haven’t been parenting all that long. But so far, it's been one of my greatest challenges, tearing down more of my arrogant expectations than any other experience in my life, leaving me clinging to nothing but grace. My own pride is often painfully in the way. I even tried to write this book on parenting thinking I could wow you into reality with my wonderful writing skills alone, but I found my story depressing without the hope that is Jesus. I’ve had incredible resources: a supportive family; a caring, involved husband; a Master’s-level education in helping people heal and grow. Yet I’ve failed over and over.

My goals have been to produce strong, independent, creative children who fear and worship God alone, and who know how to live and love in community. Not that lofty, right? My first speed bump has been my inability to BE those things I want them to be. Secondly, I fail to recognize how broken my children really are. Lastly, I have a tendency to be self-centered, which makes me desperate to get my children to act in a way that reflects glory back on me. It’s disappointing.

Over time, parenting has become less of an opportunity to prove myself worthy and more of an opportunity to realize my need for grace. It has taken a lot of tears, a lot of kind words from wise people (like those you’ll see mentioned in the book), and a lot of letting go to get to where I am now. Although much of what I have learned could be used at almost any age, I chose to write the book following the chronological age of children, which left me wanting for illustration material after age nine. Since I can’t tell my clients’ stories, I’ve chosen to use stories from my own childhood.

My family has done their best, so if you are going to judge someone for all the shenanigans you’ll read about, please blame me and not them. As I tell you my version of our stories (note that I sometimes see things differently than my husband, parents, or kids might), I hope you will eventually say to yourself, "Dang. I thought my kids were awful and I was an awful parent. And she’s a family therapist!?! If she struggles, it is ok for me to struggle, too." Love covers a multitude of sins and God is so much bigger than our deficiency.

Parenting is such a personal, unique experience. As humans, we are so incapable of doing things exactly right, that there’s really no way to feel confident our kids are going to turn out perfect. Although there IS a standard of perfection, none of us have any hope at all to attain it without the help of Jesus. This book is about the grace I found it takes to be a good parent.

Chapter 1

Pregnancy

Be nice to yourself.

I ran a marathon three months before getting pregnant for the first time. I was skinnier than I’d been since high school. I’d spent the first three years of my marriage sleeping, cooking on occasion, working part-time as a swim coach, and running/doing yoga/swimming/biking - whatever tickled my fancy that day when I woke up at ten or so and the weather permitted. I would say my life was easy with a loving husband, a fun community