Safe: Sane and Free Existence

By Boe Blithe

Safe: Sane and Free Existence covers many aspects of my life. This book encompasses all the stepping-stones in my life from becoming a stepmother and wife to bearing my own children, all while coping and growing with my depression. You will be taken into my life and experience the heartache, confusion, happiness, and love that brought me to where I am today.

Other brave souls put their comfort aside and decided to join me in sharing their life-altering experiences. We are all molded by our past, and it is not to be hidden from. We must embrace, learn, and then move forward. Sometimes, the secret to a successful future lies in our past experiences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524585136

Boe Blithe

I am a wife; a mother of two step-children and two babes of my own; a daughter and a sister; an Aunty and a god mother. I am also a writer and correctional officer; a speaker and a counsellor. My life is full and my heart is full. I have made it a long way in this life so far and I am looking forward to what the rest has to hold. Whether it great or difficult, I know I have what it takes to keep it going.

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 by Boe Blithe.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-5245-8512-9

      eBook         978-1-5245-8513-6

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 02/20/2017

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Contents

Prologue

Pregnancy & Depression

Step-Mommy

Whirlwind Life

More Life Depictions From Amazing Individuals

Prologue

December 06, 2015; the official day I was mentally ready to start writing my third book SAFE, Sane And Free Existence. Each time I wrote I had to be prepared because deep down I knew it would affect me. While writing SHUSH I had to take a break, rehashing everything was harder than I anticipated. Many of those moments were not ones I had ever wanted to relive, but I knew exposing my dark world would help others come out of the shadows.

Walking into work this date I actually felt lighter, I finally realized and accepted that I do not have to keep searching for opportunities and reasons to give my life more purpose and meaning. Over the years I grew up telling myself that in order to be here I had to be useful, contribute, have purpose. In high school I thought I had to become a nurse and eventually a doctor because that was helping people, because we needed people like that to keep surviving, for society to stay strong, they could safe people and what greater purpose could there be. I never once had an interest in becoming a nurse and I felt guilt for that. I felt guilty for wanting to leave the country and go live a completely different life than the people I was surrounded by. This is what depression does, it feeds on your weakness. My weakness. . . lacking the ability to acknowledge myself as having purpose in this life. I believed that if I couldn’t help people, I was simply a waste of resources. The thing that I realize now is that I only thought that of myself, I did not see others in those terms, but we tend to be more critical of ourselves.

I am proud of what I have accomplished and know I have had the opportunity to help others. I am always willing to help other because we all deserve that best out of our visit here. If someone reaches out to me I am there, because after everything I have gone through, I know they are reaching out to me specifically for a reason; they truly believe I can help and I believe I can help those who want to help themselves. Not everyone is always ready, even when they think they are. Some of us have to start our journey to recovery several times before making it to our end goal. There is no shame in having to start over, it takes courage to try and try again, and we can only hope that we learn and make it further every time eventually crossing that line at which we can maintain control over the darkness.

I grew up understanding that family consisted of blood relatives and those married to them. My parents were together at a very young age and had four kids; my older sister and brother, then myself followed by my younger brother. My parents are still together to this day and have had a strong, loving relationship. I did not grow up around divorce or children in split homes. To sum it all up, we were quite sheltered where we grew up. I was raised on a farm and went to school in a small town. All families were the pretty typical cookie cutter type; at least that is how it appeared.

We are shaped by the environment we are raised in. Growing up my parents generally choose what we we were exposed to; they had a certain control over our development and experiences. Now with access to internet us as parents can occasionally be oblivious. What kids now know and understand at such a young age is ridiculous and not exactly useful. Children now have to worry about so much they shouldn’t, and they are growing up faster than they have to. When I was at the age of building farms and forts in the bush little girls are now applying makeup and watching music videos of half naked women.

My little family is so happy together. We literally just finished an hour nerf gun fight. My husband and I against our two boys; while our little girl ran back and forth collecting bullets. We laughed so hard and just had a blast. It’s New Years Eve tonight, we attended a Moose hockey game this evening and them after our nerf war we are all on the couch with our comforters doing different things; DS, PS4, I-pad, Reading, Snacking… Waiting for the New Year to begin. Our family doesn’t need a lot to be happy and content, but we are by no means suffering. Our boys have gone through a lot with my husbands divorce from their mother, they have heard and seen things at their mothers place that we cannot shield them from but at least with us they can be kids, we can give them that and they may get spoiled once and a while, but they deserve it, all things considering they are fantastic children.

I chose these boys to be my family, I chose to marry my husband and I chose to have my baby girl. I chose my perfect (in my eyes) family and will always be the best mom, step-mommy and wife I can be.

Family can be tricky. Okay, who are we kidding? Family can be the most confusing concept to grasp. I have developed a whole new definition for whom we consider family. Growing up in the country had left me quite naive; I was sheltered from many issues and topics. The world and society are changing faster and more significantly as the years progress. Topics that were once never even whispered about are now front page and centre.

Headline: No Shame, It’s Real

Eating Disorders — Bulimia, Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder

Mental Illness — Depression, Bi-polar, Anxiety, ect.

Self-Harm — Cutting, Bruising, SUICIDE

AND

Post Partum Depression, Pregnancy and Depression

I can check off a good chunk of the above. Am I proud? No. Am I ashamed? NO. It is simply what I had to deal with. I did not choose to have depression, but I did choose to ignore, minimize and for the longest time not accept it. I’ll admit that I was scared to acknowledge that I had something that was part of me that I could not control; and I refused to believe a little capsule of medication was what I needed to assist me in regaining that control. I do stress the word … assist … because medication will never be the sole remedy to mental illness. For many, medication will simply be the first step of many to follow.

There is a lot of controversy over medication. My personal opinion, figure it out for yourself but be openminded when considering all options. Nothing is ever set in stone, trial and error is a huge part when it comes to medication for mental illness. In the beginning of my diagnosis I thought medication would help me, but after a while I somehow engrained in my head that I didn’t want to have to take a pill to make me happy. I was young, clueless and had no one to relate to or ask questions. Knowing what I know now I want to be that person that can answer others questions.

Eventually, after many years, I came to the realization that my depression was what some professionals call a chemical imbalance. I always asked myself…

What is so horrible in my life to make me feel this way?

Am I justified to feel this way?

Are there simple changes I can make to change the way I feel?

NOTHING. YES. POSSIBLY… A chemical imbalance is not something I can simply get rid of, but I can have control over it in several ways. Medication, exercise, stretching, breathing, family time and keeping busy. These are some of the ways I help myself take control. I know there will always be tough days, or sometimes weeks, but I also know that they always end, I always get through them and have so much support. I have accepted that I will have to deal with this my entire life, but I also accepted that