Wise and Shine: Think Clearly, Live Deeply, Be Someone You Value

By Robert N. Stonehill

 

Silver Medal winner, 2019 IPPY Awards (Mind Body Spirit)

 

This visual, deep-thinking manual that Publishers Weekly called "deeply erudite" will help you transform your inner world. Combining traditional wisdom with contemporary psychology, the shapes of empathy presented here will help you think with care and live with purpose. Through awareness of motivations and multiple perspectives, you will learn to connect to the human spirit that lies beyond mere appearance. Begin your journey inward to sharpen your imagination and craft a life of meaning.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Empathy Express
• Release date: Jan 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781386602101

Robert N. Stonehill

Theorist, caregiver, and part-time mystic, Robert writes at the intersection of empathy, empowerment, and creative thinking. He has studied academic and traditional wisdom for fifteen years. He has degrees from Harvard, Purdue, and Reed College. In early 2014, he began a monthly wisdom workshop in Portland, Oregon.

Book preview

Wise and Shine: Think Clearly, Live Deeply, Be Someone You Value

Robert N. Stonehill

Published by The Empathy Express, 2019.

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

WISE AND SHINE: THINK CLEARLY, LIVE DEEPLY, BE SOMEONE YOU VALUE

First edition. January 15, 2019.

Copyright © 2019 Robert N. Stonehill.

ISBN: 978-1386602101

Written by Robert N. Stonehill.

wise and shine

see the big picture step-by-step

Robert N. Stonehill

Dedicated to my mother Jean and my friend David.

You live on in my heart.

flower-1952017_640

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank my biggest cheerleaders: my father Lloyd, Shawn Michael Sanders, and Karen Roth for their encouragement and feedback. Shawn also helped with the cover and internal graphics.

I received encouragement from: my family, Sandy Krebs, Nicholas Yandell, Ilya Egorov, and Davia Larson.

Many thanks to my editor, Oriana Leckert.

Preface: What to Expect

This book presents mental structures that will help you organize your thinking, make deeper connections with people, learn to value yourself and others, and gradually see the big picture. We’ll look under the hood to see what the inner world of being human means. The book is not complete—how could it be?—but it presents many ideas for how to reimagine our typical daily behaviors.

We’ll start with a discussion of who might benefit from this book, who the author is, and how the book is arranged. In Chapter 1, we begin our discussion about empathy. The rest of the book is focused on how to think using wisdom. Wisdom is not omniscience—at least not for us. Rather, wisdom means striving toward better knowledge in the face of uncertainty. It’s a type of reflective empathy where we understand the thoughts and feelings of others, and we are among those others.

To sort this all out, let us commence.

Who will benefit from this book?

This book’s dual objectives aim at two main types of people: those interested in finding or pursuing a greater purpose, and those interested in improving their thinking. First, for readers who do not know or follow their purpose, I recommend learning to value others as a part of your personal philosophy. This will give you a clearer understanding of what value you bring to the world. If you believe you are a waste of space, you will learn that you are simply listening to the wrong voices. If our culture devalues your gifts, I hope that after reading this book, you will feel empowered to change the culture rather than yourself.

You will learn to value things by new metrics more focused on the power of community. Readers who lack advanced social skills will find some practical advice here. In addition to learning how to deeply connect with people, you will learn new ways to observe and interact with them. You will learn how to learn from them. Of course, if you are depressed or otherwise struggling with mental health, do an internet search for a mental health hotline.

Second, creative thinkers, including amateur philosophers and psychologists, will find new ways to theorize and see the world. If you are an open-minded thinker—and thus perhaps a disorganized thinker—this book will help you find new clarity of thought. Rather than explaining all the cognitive biases and mistakes to avoid in thinking, we will examine what kinds of thoughts to pursue. Creatives will find inspiration here because the imagination is a primary tool of empathy. In mapping out empathy, we simultaneously map out the imagination. Academic theorists can use the organization of the book as a roadmap for their own theorizing. Many of the thinking models we will examine are visual models for categorizing information, and these will lead you to your own new insights.

For thousands of years, the Golden Rule—Do unto others as you would have them do unto you—has suffered from under-interpretation. First, many people consider this a childhood rule imposed on us from outside. Why should we be polite to other people? We imagine that this social rule exists to help us all get along better. If we dig a bit deeper, however, we find that people often follow this rule in the hopes of having their kindness reciprocated. That is: do unto others in order for them to reciprocate (in the hopes that they will pay you back or return the favor someday). If the mafia boss offers you a favor, one day he will expect something in return. Third, some people who possess empathy and compassion believe that treating others well is a moral obligation, and that practice makes them feel good. These are all correct understandings, but I would like to offer a deeper and more powerful meaning: How we treat other people is usually how we treat ourselves.

You could label this perspective as either interconnectedness, bringing the subconscious to light, or subject-object unity—all of which we will cover. Psychologist Carl Jung says, We have to realize, quite dispassionately, that whatever we fight about in the outside world is also a battle in our inner selves. Before you dismiss this perspective as untrue, consider that some things are useful for us to think regardless of their ultimate truth. Another psychologist, William James, tells us that the truth is that which is useful to believe.

People who treat others worse than they treat themselves are labeled hypocrites because they practice double standards. They are mean and we shun them, hoping that they will eventually mend their ways. On the other hand, some of you reading this may treat other people better than you treat yourself. You must understand that this is also a double standard. You are doing yourself and the world a disservice with this behavior. We will all benefit when you finally show yourself the same respect you show others. So, set a goal of treating people more equally—including yourself. Improving yourself and the world is your new mission.

Now, perhaps the Golden Rule is a goal rather than a truth. However, when you no longer see time as linear, the ideas of goals and truths often merge. For now, in addition to respecting yourself and others, consider aligning the idea of forgiveness to this truth. That is, learn to respect and forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness lets you off the hook. It has little to do with the person who is being forgiven.

On the notion of personal growth and improvement, you may disagree with some of the opinions I offer in this book—even though I have avoided offering many. This is as it should be. The book’s main agenda is simply to present you with new perspectives that can help you as an individual and lead to a nicer shared human experience. To grow and evolve, one must keep an open mind. To improve your thinking and your life—to wise and shine—your first principle to consider is intellectual humility.

The underlying premise of this book is that practicing empathy will improve your life and the lives of those around you. Understanding others will help you understand yourself. And nothing will bring you greater satisfaction than striving toward a better world. By practicing empathy, you become the beacon, and the beacon is full of light. Its light shines beyond where you can see.

Technically speaking, wisdom is like empathy combined with what psychologists call ‘theory of mind’. If this means little to you, don’t panic. Virtually this entire book centers around detailing this concept which includes how to understand people and situations. Understanding is a necessary precursor to caring. While some emotions (e.g. disgust) can be triggered by sensory perceptions rather than thinking, higher-level emotions are the result of higher-level thinking. 

This book is neither an essay nor an intellectual argument, but more like a thinking manual. Humanity has outgrown some of its older worldviews, and we need to update or replace our mental models with more sophisticated options. We will preview several of these options in the following chapters. And like choosing from a menu with many delicious dishes, you need not agree with every argument this book makes to enjoy a great dinner at this restaurant.

Does the author possess credibility?

Someone advised me to provide a short version of my personal story in order to demonstrate my credibility—to show my life before and after using my own advice, as it were. So, here is a partial story. 

I dreaded lunchtime in junior high school. All the four-person tables were invariably full, and nobody wanted me to sit with them. Often, I would skip lunch and hide in the coat closet. In high school, this dreaded lunchtime ritual continued until senior year, when we were allowed to leave the school for lunch. It was not until this final year that I made any friends at all, and certainly not a best friend. Though never intentionally mean to anyone, I was an intellectual snob. I made a girl cry in English class when I questioned a part of her book report presentation. I could not wait to leave my small town and find more interesting people in college.

While at Dartmouth, I became the object of snobbery myself. I was judged based on where I came from, though of course I did not choose to be from Indiana. I slowly realized that in high school I had been judging people on intelligence—expressing my own snobby mentality. I decided then to become un-snobby about everything I could think of. And I stopped prioritizing the importance of intellect.

My pertinent life lesson, then, was a one of inclusion and empathy. That lonely teenage boy still lives somewhere inside me. Snobs exist everywhere, in every political party and institution. People are judged for not having a home, for not having a college degree or PhD, for not being the right skin color. My world has no place for that. I live out the principle of inclusion. I do not ignore people. And this goes for more than just people—it means I remain open to new ideas. Snob mentality and exclusionary clubs that practice cronyism and support one another’s pet projects sadden me. But I also believe they are also misguided and missing out. How we treat the weakest in society reflects how we treat ourselves.

I finally made my first best friend when I was twenty years old, and making friends slowly became easier. At age thirty—fifteen years ago—I first discovered spirituality. I especially liked listening to lectures by spiritual teachers Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle. After achieving enlightenment for a few years, I began studying what ancient philosophers as well as contemporary psychologists had to say about the topic of wisdom. Years later, I started a wisdom workshop to teach and discuss what I had learned. My main lesson from spirituality was that intellect only goes so far. It is one tool, and we possess many. Notice how this lesson builds upon the earlier lesson of inclusion.

In my thirties, I began suffering from chronic pain. There is evidence suggesting that trauma and pain can increase empathy, but I would rather be pain-free. My third wisdom lesson was in invisible illness and ableism—where people assume that if you look fine, you must feel fine. Essayist Elaine Scarry writes that our greatest certainty in life is how we feel pain. Yet our imaginings of pain within another represents our greatest doubt! We cannot assume that other people feel like we do or have been given the opportunities we have. And in the case of invisible illness, we cannot even trust our own eyes to know their struggles. Whether they are visibly disabled or not, I think one of the main lessons disabled people learn in order to stay sane is that judging other people is all about intention. Many able people get surprised by wheelchairs or other physical differences and do not have much experience in dealing with them. But we must be quick to forgive gaffes if the intentions are good.

My fourth wisdom lesson was in caring and service. My mother experienced a massive stroke and suffered extensive paralysis. I became one of her caregivers for her final three years. This service was hard and unpleasant on the surface, but it was the most worthwhile thing I had ever done. Our culture barely notices caring as a meaningful endeavor—especially economically—and this is a huge and potentially dangerous mistake. I hope we can all realize, before we ourselves grow old, that we need respect for our elders—and those who take care of them.

My final wisdom lesson was a cold hard truth: we will all die. Everyone you know will die. This is a terrible realization, and there is really nothing sadder in this world. Mourn for a minute—but then realize how much freedom this gives you while you are alive. You are off the hook forever. You are free to do as you please, and the universe has no authority over you. Now, start dancing in the cherry blossoms, because I care, and you care. You might want to spend more time finding other people who care.

In sum, these various discoveries about empathy, inclusion, intention, service, and finality led me to share this book with you. I sincerely hope it will help you shine brightly. Dig deep for a while, learn what you truly want from life—and then start living. Find what gets you out of bed in the morning other than merely habit or duty.

How is this book organized?

In Chapter 1, we look at empathy: listening, cooperating, and imagining. Remember, wisdom requires empathy. In Chapter 2, we begin looking at the shapes of thought. Before learning how to use the more complicated shapes, we first learn fundamental building-blocks: the pre-shapes. These include the void, the background, and the single data point. These useful notions are discussed at length, with examples from popular culture. 

Chapter 3 introduces binaries. To transcend duality, as we say in spirituality, we must first understand duality. Chapter 4 extends the discussion of binary systems to examine dialectics and triunes. Dialectics are a well-known concept in Europe, but less so in the United States. Triunes are like triads, popularized by writer Nassim Taleb. We will look at arguments that employ binaries and triunes, and I’ll clarify what opposing poles look like. Chapter 5 contains a special case of binary called the normal curve or bell curve. We’ll meet Norm—someone we can either imitate or ignore. Norm lives an unexciting life and hides a significant amount of information. Don’t let him fool you that he truly exists, because he is imaginary. Binary distinctions beget ever smaller binary distinctions. That is, a normal curve hides tinier normal curves inside it, like a matryoshka doll.

In Chapter 6, we finally transcend a binary by envisioning a helix. The oldest symbol of the helix is suggested by the yin-yang, or taijitu. More recently, philosophers Georg Hegel and Karl Marx theorize using a helix. Of course, a helix describes DNA, and galaxies too are spirals. We will discuss how the helix informs contemporary thought and helps us visualize change and transcendence. Chapter 7 is the most important chapter for empathic thinking, and features the onion. The layers of an onion represent a host of interesting phenomena, from personal identity formation to the way the learning process works. This popular metaphor has never experienced the kind of investigation we perform here—we use it to explain a wide range of phenomena. Eventually this visualization empowers us to broaden or shrink our circles in accordance with our intentions. 

Chapter 8 focuses on matrix thinking. We discuss how our communication is linear while the world itself is not. We thus use matrices to communicate greater information than normal speech or writing allow. Chapter 9 helps us look at the interplay of systems or, in shape-speak, multiple matrices. We all live inside multiple simultaneous systems. Here we explore some of these systems: governments, families, corporations, and more. This overload of information ultimately shows us how uncertainty rules the day, that we should give up the desire to control everything, and that we can never hope to understand it all.

Chapter 10 examines Gestalt perceptions. These are perceptual biases—a topic that I adapt here for social science. These are similar to cognitive biases but have remained somewhat obscure until now. In Chapter 11, we use our knowledge of shapes to change the size and shape of the metaphorical iris that focuses our attention. We examine the magic we create by employing different frameworks. Chapter 12 looks specifically at shifting perspectives; we examine how the world appears from the vantage points of