Dear Depressed Me: An Open Letter to My 23-Year-Old Self

By Selipha Kihagi

7 years ago I was depressed, lost and suicidal.

 

I hated life, myself, and everyone around me.

 

And the alcohol I was using to cope didn't seem to work right. 

 

This short ebook is an open letter I'm writing to this depressed 23-year-old me.

 

I want her to know everything I know now. I want her to use the information in this short eBook to make decisions. And most importantly, I want her to keep choosing life. No matter how hard, uncomfortable, and debilitating life gets.

 

So if you, or someone you know, are in a situation similar to this, may you find comfort in the words I write here. May you find solace in knowing you are not alone. And may you gain the strength you need to choose life today and keep choosing it in future.

 

***

Sending You Love ?,

Selipha

• Language: English
• Publisher: Selipha Kihagi
• Release date: Jul 26, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393823018

Book preview

Stop Hiding behind the Booze

Find New & Healthy Distractions

Dear Depressed Me,

I know you’re getting weaker and your mind is getting busier. The energy you once had to get past the day unscathed is now long gone. And you’re now starting to lose the battle; both mentally and physically.

I also know your skin is starting to lose moisture and your face is filling up with pimples. You pop them every day, and use eye drops for your bloodshot eyes. And while the eye drops work, they don’t work well enough to hide the obvious – you’re drinking too much.

But the alcohol isn’t the problem, is it?

You’ve been using it as a solution for your mental struggles. A temporary solution, of course; but a solution nonetheless. Because it works well to quiet your mind during a thinking marathon. And to get you to sleep when the nights are long.

Some say you’re on the road to alcoholism. But because you could care less as long as the booze does the trick, you maintain you don’t have an alcohol problem. Others say you’re an alcoholic in denial. And because you know you’re not, you decide it’s their opinion and everyone is allowed to have one.

But you see;

Maybe there’s some truth in there somewhere. I say some because I know, for a fact, you’re not on the road to alcoholism. Yes, you do use alcohol to temporarily solve your problems. And when you do, sometimes it gets to a point where you can no longer control your intake.

But these are only isolated cases; and they won’t affect your life forever. A time will come when you’ll go an entire month without even touching alcohol.

Don’t believe me?

I’m writing this short eBook as you 5 years later. And in the past 3 months, I’ve only had one beer and a glass of whisky. That’s it! So believe me when I tell you it won’t last forever.

But as I said,

Maybe there’s some truth in what they say. Maybe you’re, in fact, addicted to alcohol. Addicted to the high that allows you to feel something other than the pain; even if you know that feeling won’t last.

And I’m saying this because I know your goal for the booze. It’s to get so high that you feel too numb or too excited to be sad. Which one you pick is dependent on how you feel at that particular time.

The bad times – which make you a suspect for alcoholism – are when you surpass that goal and can’t feel anything. Or remember anything. Or know anything. I could ask your name and you wouldn’t know it.

But that’s not what you want people to focus on, is it?

You want people to look past the surface of things. You want them to see what’s beneath the booze – a fragile, empty, and lost soul. A soul that’s ready to quit on life. And a soul that’s screaming out for help.

Well, my Dear Depressed Me, I have looked past the surface. And here’s what I see:

The Girl Behind the Booze

I see the frustrated girl who is unable to understand why nothing seems to work in her favour. The girl whose only comfort lies in the contents of cheap bottles of whisky, vodka, gin, brandy, and other spirits she can find.  And the angry girl whose life has overturned gradually, as God sits back and watches.

I see the self-loathing girl who can’t stand her reflection in the mirror. The sad girl who no longer finds hope in the people that love and care for her. And most importantly, the depressed girl who has fallen into a dark pit and doesn’t even know it.

I also see the self-destructive girl who is tired of asking God, "Why Me?" and not getting an answer. The suicidal girl who is now thinking of death as a permanent solution to her problems. And the hopeless girl who is still waiting for a miracle to save her from the jaws of death.

Because even without any hope that her situation will change, she’s not ready to die. 

I see it all.

And it’s through seeing this girl that I know why you turned to alcohol in the first place.

Back in campus when you would drink through the night, you would wake up the next day with a partial memory. You would hardly remember what had happened the previous night. And so you thought the alcohol would work in the same way.

That if only you drank a little more, you would finally forget the pain and focus on making a life for yourself. And at first, it worked. Getting through the day became easier and the nights became shorter. You even managed to ease up on that black eyeliner.

Power to small victories ... am I right?!

But now the booze no longer works.

Drinking every day has increased your alcohol tolerance. You no longer get high enough to stop thinking those self-defeating thoughts. And you no longer get excited enough to stop feeling empty, hopeless, worthless, sad, or like you’re a failure of a daughter, sister and friend.

You’ve walked into a hole you can’t dig yourself out of. And you’ve gradually transformed into a zombie version of your current self. You look at yourself in the mirror, but you no longer see yourself in the reflection. It’s as if you exist, and then you don’t.

And you’ve started wondering where people like you go to find help.

You think of going to your brother. But knowing he will tell you to hang on and you’ve lost all will to do that, you decide against it. You think of your sister. But knowing you’ve already rocked that relationship, you decide against it.

You think of your mum. But knowing she doesn’t want to talk to you because of the rocked relationship with your sister, you decide against it. You think of your dad. But knowing he’s not a touchy-feely type of person, you decide against even considering it.

And so you move on to your friends.

But because all you’ve been doing is complaining about your problems when you’re drunk. And pretending to be okay when you’re not. You doubt they’ll take you seriously. And so you decide against that too.

Leaving you to make a highly-destructive conclusion—you’re all alone.

Alone in a place that lacks the energy you need to keep going. Alone in a place that promises comfort if you let go of the fight to live through another day. And alone in a