Who Painted Lord Percy?

By David J. Wighton

You may ask who would want to paint Lord Percy, a very powerful devil. I should tell you that he's not being painted for Hell's art gallery featuring its most evil devils. This will be a different type of painting, an award if you like for trying to overthrow Satan by stealing all of Hell's gold. Lord Percy was winning until Winnie and Reese got involved.

Along the way, a devil named Adolf Hitler runs afoul of a condom buying angel named Winnie. Fear not. This does not lead to an amorous meeting with Arthur, who will soon lose his ability to kiss. Winnie also has an embarrassing condition. She had eaten a cherry pie with upchucking powers.

Reese is the hero in this book. He joins a secret operation run by a dead man who is hunting perverts. Reese serves as a slow-motion lie-detecting judge. When he believes that the Borg, of Star Trek fame, are taking control of human bodies, Winnie enlists Reese in her painting hobby. Not only does Reese help finish Lord Percy's portrait, but he also finds Hell's missing gold, which has far-reaching consequences for planet Earth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David J. Wighton
• Release date: Jun 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463430408

David J. Wighton

David Wighton is a retired educator who enjoys writing youth novels when he's not on a basketball court coaching middle-school girls. The books in his Wilizy series peek at how people lived after the word's governments collapsed in the chaos that followed the catastrophic rise in ocean levels and the disappearance of the world's last deposits of oil. Luckily today, in the 2080s, the citizens of Alberta are safe because their It's Only Fair society uses brain-bands to zap people whenever they break a rule. That way, all children grow up knowing the difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, they're also taught that women's ankles need to be covered so that men can't see them and turn into perverts. Plus, no-one in Alberta can have babies any more because the government manufactures them in a way that ensures that no child has an unfair advantage over any other child. All of this makes sense to Alberta's dictator, but not to Will and Izzy – two teenagers who are decidedly different from everyone else.Wighton's novels have strong teenage characters driving the plot and facing challenges that, in many respects, are no different from what teenagers face today. His novels are intended to entertain and readers will find adventure, romance, suspense, humour, a strong focus on family, plus a touch of whimsy. Wighton also writes to provoke a little thought about life in today's societies and what the future might bring. Teachers may find the series useful in the classroom and the novels are priced with that intent in mind.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Sunday, May 24, 2092. Maddy was helping her mom clean up the kitchen, the living room, and the rec room. All the cousins had been over to help Emily celebrate her 6th birthday, albeit a little delayed because of the KwaZulu operation. With eight partygoers (Emily, Will, Izzy, MayaLou, Jock, Hank, Yo-Yo, Ivanika, and Petro), the carnage had covered several rooms. Maddy, at almost 12, was too old to party with the kiddies. That meant that she was in adult mode, namely cleaning up voluntarily. They were almost done and Mac was wiping down the counters while Maddy swept the floor. The house was deathly quiet, at least compared to what it had been like an hour earlier.

Mom, I've been thinking.

A-huh. Mac had a splitting headache. She was getting too old for these parties but with Emily at 6 years old, there'd still be many more to come.

Do you think I could be a Valkyrie now?

Why?

Well, I'm the only girl in the cadets now with Honto gone.

You were always the only girl in the cadets. What's changed?

Well, nothing I guess. But the Valkyries looked so smart in their uniforms.

That's not a reason to join them.

And they're doing some important things in KwaZulu.

Every one of them is at least ten years older than you. Plus, they've all graduated from high school and some of them have college experience. You're going into grade 6 in the fall.

I know, Mom, but....

It's not going to happen, Maddy. [Splitting headache, remember?]

# # # # # # # #

Granny walked into her living room to find Doc dressed in his fishing gear. Are you sure this is a good idea?

I have my sling and I'll be living in it. Hank is bringing all the gear and supplies that we might need. I might as well be fishing; sleeping in my chair isn't doing me any good.

Cabin fever?

Exactly.

Where are you going?

I haven't decided yet.

The hug they shared wasn't the type of hug you'd expect for a couple who would see each other in a day or two. Granny wasn't easily fooled and she knew why he was going fishing. She headed to her bedroom, intending to stay there for a week.

# # # # # # # #

Ten no trump, Betsy said. [Betsy was Harry the Dolphin's wife. Harry was the Cops of Cosmos mediator that you met in the last book.]

Eleven hearts, Lillian replied.

Sorry Betsy, I have to pass, Joe-Joe muttered. One hundred and four cards and I have a total of three face cards in my hand.

[Bridge with two decks of cards is mentally challenging to angels and dolphins alike. However, holding twenty-six cards in your hands is impossible, especially for dolphin flippers. They were using a multi-specie ap that allowed them to see their cards mentally. There'd be no worries about some eight-eyed creature peeking at your hand.]

Harry, it's eleven hearts to you.

Harry was absorbed in something else. They waited.

I have to leave, Harry finally said. Hell is raising hell.

Lillian was immediately curious. What are they doing?

Joe-Joe and Betsy both rolled their eyes at how quickly their vow to not talk shop during the cruise had been broken so easily. Yes, dolphins can roll their eyes. They can even bat their eyelids when they are courting but that's not well known outside the dolphin world.

Lord Percy made the peace bond today and Spock transported him to the location in Hell that he asked for. He arrived and immediately disappeared. He must have realized that Satan had a surprise happy death-day party arranged for him. They're trying to blame the Cops of the Cosmos for the disappearance. I have to return to the Enterprise.3.

That put an end to the bridge game.

# # # # # # # #

This is as good a place as any, Doc said and landed on a deserted beach south of Port McNeil, which is on the east coast of Vancouver Island. It had a beautiful view of Bonanza Peak. [Narrator: This peak was mentioned in Hoist the Jolly Lucas, Book #4.] When I left Haida Gwai, my grandfather and I paddled down the Johnstone Strait and he wanted to stop here overnight. He was very weak. I knew he couldn't go much further south. I suppose you know why we're here.

Hank nodded. I'm honoured that you asked me to accompany you. Tell me what you want.

My grandfather had me make camp on this very beach. He admired the mountain peak and the scenery while I lashed four logs together into a small raft. He came prepared with the lashings. We fished at the little lake just behind us, and then we bedded down. As I figured out later, he went down to the raft in the middle of the night, pushed it into the water, and lay down on it. When I got up the next morning, the currents had done their job. He was gone and so was the raft. It was his time and he knew it. This is my time now. I didn't want people to make a fuss, Doc sort of apologized for skipping out on his funeral.

The Johnstone Strait is known for its strong currents and gusty weather. I don't know if my grandfather's raft made it out of the straight and into the Pacific Ocean or not. I suspect that when he made up his mind to die, he did it quite efficiently. I had no way of checking. Here are the lashings. I'll be at the lake fishing. Join me when you're finished.

Do you want a rod?

That wouldn't be fair to the fish.

# # # # # # # #

It's like kissing a dead fish, Winnie complained. [She didn't explain what dead fish she had practiced on or why.]

I'm trying, Winnie. I can barely talk in my mortal body, let alone kiss. [You can guess who this is.]

Let's try again. Pucker up. I'll do the rest.

...

You can't even pucker?

I'm lucky I can chew without eating my lips. We can try kissing in angelic bodies.

Angel bodies aren't made for kissing. All those scratchy feathers get in the way. What did the scientists say?

I have to learn how mortal bodies move as though I'm a new born baby. I can think in the body; I just can't do anything with it.

What are you thinking now?

I'm thinking about you, Winnie.

Good answer. I thought you'd say something about food.

That was my second choice.

Are you sure that Lillian didn't put the scientists up to this?

I don't know why she would do that.

Yeah, I don't know why either.

# # # # # # # #

Doc woke up and looked around. He wasn't on the raft. That part didn't surprise him. The view did.

He was in a long queue. He was sure that he was dead. That's because some metallic voice was beaming that message into his brain, if in fact he had a brain.

Welcome to the line-up to the Afterlife Sorting Station, a metallic voice said. If you are not sure how you got here, that's because you are dead. Don't be disturbed if you have no memory of that. Few souls do.

Doc picked up on the use of the word soul and looked down. He saw no feet, no legs, and no hands. No clothes even. All he could see was a shimmering silvery light around himself. He also saw a conveyor belt carrying him somewhere. The belt started, stopped, and then repeated.

Welcome to the line-up to the Afterlife Sorting Station. Please be patient. Our staff is working hard to process all souls as quickly as we can. Please stay in line. We estimate that you will enter the Afterlife Sorting Station's main terminal building in thirty five minutes.

...

Thirty-five minutes later, Doc was standing in front of a plywood counter that stretched the entire length of the terminal building. The angel behind the counter looked up and asked, Are you William Bedard?

Yes.

For security reasons, may I have your date of birth and your mother's maiden name?

[Heaven had upgraded their security system after a certain person had been mistakenly grabbed off Earth and deposited into the afterlife when she shouldn't have been.]

Doc provided what she wanted.

You were born in Haida Gwai?

Yes.

Please follow me. An angel wants to talk to you.

# # # # # # # #

Try and relax, Lillian. You're on leave. Forget about what could be happening back home.

I cleared my desk as much as I could and passed on files to other angels. I couldn't do anything more.

I'm sure Prudence will be fine. She has lots of experience in handling undercover work.

She's like a loose cannon. I know she's done something that I'll regret. I can feel it.

I wonder where Lord Percy got to.

Nice try to distract me. I had nothing but green on my boards. Whatever he's doing, it won't affect us. I knew leaving her in charge was a risk, but she's actually been pleasant to me.

Prudence understands that you had to bring her home. She's past that. She told me so.

She's done something. Ten minutes ago, she did something.

# # # # # # # #

Hank awoke to find Doc gone, as he expected to. Doc's backpack was next to the blanket where he had bedded down. It contained his sling. Curious to see how far the raft had travelled, Hank went for a fly. Eventually, he found the raft half submerged and bucking in some rough waters near the outlet to the Pacific Ocean. No Doc in sight.

Back at camp, Hank was slinging into camp when he noticed a figure standing at the lakeside where they had fished last night. Curiosity won.

You're finally up, Doc said when Hank landed.

I thought that you...

I guess it wasn't my time. We won't mention this to anybody, will we?

I won't, if you won't.

Two trout are on the rocks. You get to cook them. Then, we'll go home.

Back to the Table of Contents

Chapter 2

Two days after he had been beamed into Hell, Lord Percy was still missing. Satan had closed all the borders crossings to Earth as a matter of routine when a senior devil had to be relieved of his duties. Those closures were now disrupting Hell's business activities. Satan had already elevated the senior most devil in the SSS to the position of SSS Commander after he had heard the agreements that Lord Percy had signed. The Happy Deathday Cake was getting stale. Adolf was standing in front of Satan trying to explain why Lord Percy hadn't been caught yet.

Yes Adolf, the SSS Commander, was the Adolf you're thinking about. He had customized scales just as Lord Percy had had. Only Adolf had gone for the military look rather than the British aristocrat look. He even had the mustache. It had worked well for him on Earth, so he had decided to stick with it. Right now, neither the mustache nor the uniform was making any impression on an angry Satan.

Adolf tried to defend himself. I have wanted posters in all of the PUS stations showing a picture of Lord Percy's mortal face. I also installed an anonymous tip line for devils to call. So far, nobody has called.

"Did you think that devils would gladly turn in a traitor out of the goodness of their hearts? Satan really leaned on the word that was banned in all of Hell. What were you thinking?"

Well....

[Put Adolf in charge of an army and he'd probably feel quite comfortable, so long as the army didn't have to invade a cold place with snow. Here in Hell, that wasn't a concern. But peacetime policy enforcement? This was not Adolf's strength.]

Offer a reward of a double promotion plus a free body adjustment for devils or demons who call in tips that lead to Lord Percy's capture.

Jawohl, mein Führer, Adolf said and snapped off the accompanying salute. This would be the salute where people lifted their right hand as high as they possibly could, palm facing outwards.

Here's where it got a little tricky for poor old Adolf. He was accustomed to being the Führer. That meant when there was a salute, people would be saluting him. Thus, it seemed quite natural when he popped off the Sieg Heil salute to Satan, that his palm would be facing himself.

That didn't go over too well with Satan who outranked him by a considerable amount. It became very frosty in the office. Adolf didn't like frost. Didn't like it all.

You have until Beezleday in two weeks to catch Lord Percy and, if you don't, it'll be D-Day for you.

Gadzooks. It was the World War II all over again and Adolf didn't have many fond memories of D-Day.

[In the second world way, the Allies invaded France on D-Day. That was the beginning of the end for Adolf, the mortal. ]

# # # # # # # #

Reports about the posters in all of the PUS stations had already wound their way up to Lillian's office, which at the time was occupied by Prudence. She duly reported it to Lillian on her return from her cruise. Both Lillian and Joe-Joe had expected that Lord Percy would be removed from his post. They didn't expect him to go on a runner, or in this case a cloven hoof hot trot.

When the reward offer reached Lillian, she was surprised that Lord Percy was still at large. She was in a meeting with Prudence at the time, so she asked her if this reward was unusual.

Lord Percy has been in Hell for a long time, Prudence started. He would know a lot of hiding places. In the first days of his flight, he probably camped away from the populated areas. When he had to go into cities, he would have worn shoplifting clothes. Nobody would recognize him. A reward of this size is unusual and should be effective. Devils will start looking closely at any devil whose body and face are hidden. If Lord Percy is still in Hell, he'll be caught.

How long before he's caught?

He won't be. He's probably on Earth now. He's smart. He would have snuck by the border patrol agents into Earth before the reward was offered. He'll be hard to catch now. All they have on Earth are hornographic cameras, which work only in the dark. If I were him, I'd be in my mortal disguise during the day and hidden away at night.

[Satan should have hired Prudence to catch Lord Percy.]

Will his delayed resignation affect us?

I don't see how.

...

About your meeting with Winnie's grandfather, Lillian had been sitting on this irritant for a while now.

She calls him Doc.

You know that how?

I researched her. I like to know the angels that I work with.

What makes you think you'll be working with Winnie?

Prudence ignored the question. When Winnie returns home on the weekend, she spends time with her grandfather trying to heal him. She watches him from Heaven and tracks how often he sleeps. The future did not look good for him. I put a note on his file that I was to be called if he appeared at the Sorting Station. Do you object to what I did?

I guess not. He's your responsibility though.

"If I'm going to have responsibilities in Heaven, I want a more modern name. Prudence is so medieval."

I'm not sure....

"You gave yourself Lillian to go with your Brunhilda name."

"I did. Brunhilda was a very harsh name back then. It meant armed for battle. I still use it but I prefer Lillian."

"I'm not a Prudence."

Prudence means good judgment.

We both know that isn't me.

Do you have another name in mind?

Keely.

Irish?

"Yes. It means Brave Warrior."

It suits you.

I'll be Prudence if we have to be formal here in Heaven. When I'm on assignment, I'll be Keely.

Do you have any idea what assignment you want?

Not yet.

Back to the Table of Contents

Chapter 3

Winnie was in Montana asking Granny about Doc.

He's actually walking now? Like real walking?

"Yes. He claimed that all he