Pook Said It

By Peter Pook

Collections of humorous quotations are rare birds indeed, and the few in existence rely heavily on the celebrated wits to the extent that the quotes suffer from exposure fatigue and lose their impact, like old jokes. Ever since I began to write mirth novels many years ago I realized that humour, above all subjects, needs freshening up at regular intervals, and it has always been my ambition to help fill this gap with a broadside of my own original lines. As far as I can ascertain, nobody has attempted such a formidable one-man compilation before.

Original! Well, as a writer I am a compulsive loner who abhors plagiarism, so to the best of my belief they are original. If some literary detective discovers the odd similarity here and there I shall be flattered rather than surprised because it happened to all the epigrammatists of the past. So much so that Doctor Johnson explained it as two men alighting on the same happy thought — but Shakespeare had it first. There is nothing new under the sun; we can merely strive to create dissimilarity.

So here is my contribution of epigrams, maxims, sallies, gags, bon mots, ranging from the trivial to the titanic, the simple to the sophisticated, the saucy to the solemn, slapstick to satire — mostly ripped out from the twenty-three Pook Books I have written.

A banquet for the browser seeking light entertainment; the writer looking for ideas; the student researching the devices of humour; the speaker desperate for quotations; the poet striving after that fascinating skill of word-juggling; the author wondering how on earth he can make his readers laugh; the journalist exploring new ways of saying old things; the apprentice learning his craft with the pen; the philosopher contemplating the follies of human behaviour.

For whatever reasons you read this book I sincerely hope it will prove man enough for the job and give you a great deal of pleasure, so you will agree not only that Pook Said It but that Pook Said It Well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Emissary Publishing
• Release date: Dec 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463930182

Book preview

POOK SAID IT

Laugh Lines, Sparkling Speech and

Witty Wordplay for every occasion

Peter Pook titles available from Emissary

(in the order in which they were originally

published)

Banking on Form

Pook in Boots

Pook in Business

Pook Sahib

Bwana Pook

Professor Pook

Banker Pook Confesses

Pook at College

Pook’s Tender Years

Pook and Partners

Playboy Pook

Pook’s Class War

Pook’s Tale of Woo

Pook’s Eastern Promise

Beau Pook Proposes

Pook’s Tours

The Teacher’s Hand-Pook

Gigolo Pook

Pook’s Love Nest

Pook’s China Doll

Pook’s Curiosity Shop

Marine Pook Esquire

Pook’s Viking Virgins

POOK SAID IT

Laugh Lines, Sparkling Speech and

Witty Wordplay

for every occasion

PETER POOK

EMISSARY PUBLISHING

www.emissary-publishing.com

First published 2019 by Emissary Publishing,

47 Kennedy Road, Bicester, Oxfordshire, OX26 2BE

A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-874490-73-9

Published by Emissary Publishing at Smashwords 2019

ISBN 9780463930182

www.emissary-publishing.com

©Peter Pook 1978

Front Cover Design created around

Illustrations by Richie Perrott

All rights reserved

This book may not be reproduced,

in whole or in part, in any form

(except by reviewers for the public press),

without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed and bound by Zenith Media, Tonypandy, South Wales

WHAT A NERVE!

Collections of humorous quotations are rare birds indeed, and the few in existence rely heavily on the celebrated wits to the extent that the quotes suffer from exposure fatigue and lose their impact, like old jokes. Ever since I began to write mirth novels many years ago I realized that humour, above all subjects, needs freshening up at regular intervals, and it has always been my ambition to help fill this gap with a broadside of my own original lines. As far as I can ascertain, nobody has attempted such a formidable one-man compilation before.

Original! Well, as a writer I am a compulsive loner who abhors plagiarism, so to the best of my belief they are original. If some literary detective discovers the odd similarity here and there I shall be flattered rather than surprised because it happened to all the epigrammatists of the past. So much so that Doctor Johnson explained it as two men alighting on the same happy thought — but Shakespeare had it first. There is nothing new under the sun; we can merely strive to create dissimilarity.

So here is my contribution of epigrams, maxims, sallies, gags, bon mots, ranging from the trivial to the titanic, the simple to the sophisticated, the saucy to the solemn, slapstick to satire — mostly ripped out from the twenty-three Pook Books I have written.

A banquet for the browser seeking light entertainment; the writer looking for ideas; the student researching the devices of humour; the speaker desperate for quotations; the poet striving after that fascinating skill of word-juggling; the author wondering how on earth he can make his readers laugh; the journalist exploring new ways of saying old things; the apprentice learning his craft with the pen; the philosopher contemplating the follies of human behaviour.

Many of the extracts have of necessity been modified to make sense out of context, or shortened to economize on space. They have been classified under quick -reference headings, each with a key to book and page for the user who wishes to trace them to source and perhaps read around them. The abbreviation Misc. identifies those miscellaneous remarks I have made in television, radio and press interviews, in talks given to writers and laymen, and in articles I have written over the years.

My thanks to reviewers for being so kind to me, but — like the general public — they seem to underrate the humorous novel because its tone is light-hearted. Despite the mental effort and research which go into its construction it must be a trivial work of art, not to be classed with the deep stuff. People have said to me, Why don’t you write a proper book next time? as though for the past twenty years I had been merely playing the fool.

Paradoxically, the literary profession itself seems to regard humour as the most difficult of all its branches.

Authorship is a lonely game but one of its rewards is readers’ letters, God bless them. I have received a stack, not only from all over Britain but from many parts of the world, proving that one’s fun formula works pretty widely.

The mail has ranged from the convulsive fan who wants to come and visit you, to the quietly appreciative admirer who prefers to stay at home, and I have had the pleasure of answering every one with unreserved gratitude.

To my surprise and delight I received yet another brand of letter too. From the sick, the lonely, the elderly, telling me how the books had helped them through bad times — even cured some victims of chronic depression. In all my writing career this aspect has been my greatest joy.

One last thought. Over the years numerous writers have asked me to explain the mechanics of humour, but you can talk about that all night, well knowing that an ounce of example is worth a ton of precept . So here are the examples, covering everything I have learned about the elusive art of making folks laugh.

For whatever reasons you read this book I sincerely hope it will prove man enough for the job and give you a great deal of pleasure, so you will agree not only that Pook Said It but that Pook Said It Well.

WHERE POOK SAID IT

(Quotation references from the Peter Pook novels are sourced from the original hardback editions)

Banking on Form

Pook in Boots

Pook in Business

Pook Sahib

Bwana Pook

Professor Pook

Banker Pook Confesses

Pook at College

Pook’s Tender Years

Pook and Partners

Playboy Pook

Pook’s Class War

Pook’s Tale of Woo

Pook’s Eastern Promise

Beau Pook Proposes

Pook’s Tours

The Teacher’s Hand-Pook

Gigolo Pook

Pook’s Love Nest

Pook’s China Doll

Pook’s Curiosity Shop

Marine Pook Esquire

Pook’s Viking Virgins

Pook Omnibus

Miscellaneous (Television, radio and press interviews, talks and articles)

ACTING

In my first screen role I was killed during the title. (Banker P. Confesses, 48)

Dr. Harcourt assured me she had not cast me as Adam just because I was the only man available. (P. at College, 78)

I was a walking Dick Turpin. My horse, Black Bess, had been written out of the script for economy reasons. (P. Class War, 32)

At The Desert Song audition I sang my number, then the producer awarded me the part of Gaston, the dumb legionnaire. (Same, 72)

In the film Revolt of the Nubian Slaves I was slave number 376, row 8. (Pook’s Tale of Woo, 18)

Owing to my lack of skating skill I was given the part of Sarah Gamp, the drunken midwife. (Same, 20)

In Lady Windermere’s Fan a critic wrote that I accidentally strayed onto the stage, claiming to be Lord Darlington. (Same, 22)

She said, You don’t act like an actor because you can’t act. (Same, 39)

The producer told me my make-up was solely to overcome the lighting distortion and make me appear normal. (Same, 67)

The producer hinted I had done the acting profession a disservice by making it seem impossible. (Same, 71)

I should have been a top thespian and had fags named after me, like Du Maurier and De Reske. (Beau P. Proposes, 169)

I asked who was playing Quasimodo in The Hunchback and the producer handed me a bell-rope. (P. China Doll, 124)

ADVERTISING

The accumulation of material possessions, which modern advertising tells us is happiness. (P. Tender Years, 47)

The London Rent-a- Gent Escort Bureau advertised, ‘We pay top rates for the right dates.’ (Same, 131)

French Lessons Any Hour of the Day or Night. (Same, 132)

The newsboy flooded our street with the customary good tidings of modern life — ‘Big Lunnon Axe Murder! Man Found Dead Wiv No ‘Ead!’ (P. and Partners, 104)

Keep Britain Tidy — Jump in the ornamental lake. (Same, 129)

Keep Death Off the Road — Park in the moat. (Same, 129)

Worn Tyres Can Kill — Get yours here. (Same, 129)

The lance of the advertising knight proved to be the nozzle of the World’s biggest oil can. (Same, 131)

Cudford Building Society displayed the sign of the three brass bricks. (Same, 135)

We’ll fix a massive board to the Cathedral — ‘Acquired for Client’s Wedding by Pook & Partners.’ (Same, 174)

I appeared in an eighteen-second TV commercial for Ratto, the instant rodent poison. (P. Tale of Woo, 18)

Last Post, the Instant Nightcap. Give up counting endless sheep, buy a can of liquid sleep. Rest assured or money back, eighty hours in every pack. (Same, 26)

We sell narcotic-free repose time to the nocturnally neurotic. (Same, 34)

In the early days of television advertising there was not that smooth, well-organized chaos we know today. (Same, 67)

I sat in front of the mirror practising the Lure Signs from ‘How To Attract Women Without Moving.’ (P. Tours, 5)

The Successful Woo-manship Course said: You’ re alone now because you‘re always alone, so Unit 2 will stop you being alone. Soon there will be two of you alone, but you don‘t mind being alone now because you’re alone with the most wonderful girl in the world. (Same, 16)

How To Take Photographs In The Nude, Correspondence Course. (Same,18)

Don’t let ugly back lash rash spoil your fun. Apply gentle fragrant Mitto before each flogging. (Same, 191)

Dance Your Way Into Her Purse, Correspondence Course. (Gigolo P., blurb)

I’ve read about men like you in that saucy ad. for Hire-a-Sire. (Same, 113)

Woo Her With Erotic Palmistry, Correspondence Course. (Same, 23)

AIRPLANES

The four old biplanes were known to us as overhead trams. (P. in Boots, 153)

The fighter pilots voted Penny ’The Girl I Would Most Like to Crash-Land On.’ (P. and Partners, 146)

We Marines didn’t normally speak to RAF penguins, only to pilots. (P. Class War, 90)

Don’t keep saying no wheels, I snapped nervously as we flew over the mountains in a seaplane. (P. Eastern Promise, 112)

The pilot’s error was to land the plane before he had reached the ground. (P. Tours, 100)

This pilot has been banned from flying, even as a passenger. (Same, 102)

At 5,000 feet our pilot consulted a manual that looked suspiciously like Teach Yourself Flying. (Same, 102)

Fasten your safety -belts for an emergency take-off! (Same, 103)

Caught in a thermal, the pilot accidentally set a new world altitude record. (Same, 105)

That bluish puddle below us is the Mediterranean Sea (Same, 106)

He was articled to a procurator-fiscal under the impression he had joined the RAF, and for three weeks he sat in court expecting to be taught flying. (Gigolo P, 100)

Was my mission as futile as a kamikaze pilots’ reunion dinner? (P. China Doll, 125)

ANIMALS

The grass was cut by a living lawnmower in the shape of a goat. (P. in Business, 78)

My stallion accelerated like a guided-missile with muscles. (Bwana P. 95)

Show the horse who’s master, Mr. Grant exhorted me, leading in the present master by the reins. (Same, 96)

I was mounted on a docile creature called Molly, half horse, half settee. (Same, 96)

Three men pushed my horse, while a fourth man lifted up her forelegs alternately to indicate what was required of her. (Same, 101)

Beginners at the riding school were known as the Bengal Lancers. (Same, 105)

Sitting down in the jungle becomes a battle for one’s pants between you and the termites. (Same, 176)

In the jungle I felt I had been lowered into Noah’s Ark between meals. (Same, 177)

Elephants always die in a secret hideout known only to film producers. (Same, 179)

I lost my money in faraway places with strange sounding names, like Sandown Park. (P. at College, 10)

Had Professor Koboski trained the gorilla to wear a topee — or was it Professor Koboski? (Same, 38)

Our cat chased the starlings, then leapt in the air flapping his legs under the impression he too could fly. (P. Tender Years, 7)

Carlo explained that he had come to wash his elephants, so I offered to iron them. (Same, 104)

Al invited us to a christening party when a swallow was hatched in the tool-shed. (P. and Partners, 115)

Perhaps the Great Dane had been christened Half-pint to fool him over his meagre rations. (Playboy Pook, 50)

When Half-pint tried to curl up on your lap you felt you had been trapped under a horse. (Same, 51)

Most evenings Half-pint took Mr. Bosworth for a walk, dragging him past the Bold Forester like a plough. (Same, 51)

When Half-pint lay in front of the fire the rest of us might as well have sat in the garden. (Same, 51)

Half-pint once started to bring Gran to Mr. Bosworth in mistake for his slippers. (Same, 51)

Half-pint often smelt through The Field and Country Life, under the impression he was a beagle. (Same, 53)

Half-pint dragged