Face Difficult Conversations with God on Your Side: Practical Application of Biblical Principles to Manage Conflict, Set Boundaries, and Ask For What You Want

By Rebecca Finley

This book is tailored for women and addresses challenges that are unique to women.

You will learn to:
•Solve problems applying a Christian approach
•Not be seen as too passive or aggressive, but just right
•Communicate effectively and be heard
•Act decisively before, during, and after a confrontation
•Create a principle-based script to guide you
And much more!

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book are donated to Faith Maternity Care, a Christian maternity home that disciples and cares for homeless girls who choose life for their baby.

Bonus:
Rebecca Finley is available for pro-bono speeches for Christian organizations and ministries.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rebecca Finley
• Release date: Feb 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463851951

Rebecca Finley

An award-winning author and professional speaker, Rebecca Finley is known for her engaging and humorous delivery. She’s the founder of Pathways Business Seminars, and for 20+ years she has trained employees of Fortune 500 companies, government agencies, and nonprofits. A former university professor, Rebecca holds graduate studies in business and interculturalism. She lives in the middle of nowhere, Missouri, with her handsome husband John (who makes killer spaghetti) and a dumb dog named Dumb Dog. Rebecca is available for pro-bono speeches for Christian organizations and ministries. Email requests to contact @ pbseminars com

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

What will you do this upcoming October 23? I ask only because it’s a holiday most people don’t know about, but many would celebrate it if they did.

October 23 is National Slap Your Irritating Co-worker Day.

Hmm. Perhaps a little smacking could be a way to stop that arrogant co-worker who interrupts you all the time, the new-hire who doesn’t stop talking, the cubicle-neighbor who speaks only on speakerphone, and the client that makes inappropriate jokes. This holiday could be your chance to make your boss pay for yelling at you and scaring you into tears. It could even make your husband do what you’ve asked like a thousand times: "Stop leaving clothes all over the floor!" Who knows?

It is tempting.

But you’re a Christian and you know better.

You know that’s not what the Lord wants. You know what He wants is for you to be peaceable with all men (Romans 12:18) and to do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

And that’s why this book is for you.

In this book you’ll learn practical techniques that will allow you to fix what’s not working for you in a healthy, effective, and biblical manner. This book will equip you with the tools you need to kill the anxiety, conquer your fears, and courageously speak your mind.

I must warn you, though, that you probably won’t learn anything you haven’t already read in the Bible. That’s because to learn how to deal effectively with disagreements, set boundaries, and ask for what you want with God by your side, you don’t need to seek farther than The Scriptures—All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

What will be new to you, though, is how I, the author, have illustrated biblical principles using the real-life stories of some of the hundreds of women I’ve helped over the years to develop their communication and conflict resolution skills. I’ve also compiled cutting-edge scientific research, processed all this knowledge, and organized it into easily digestible bits you can consume at your own pace.

This book is a step-by-step guide that will make you feel more confident and prepared next time you need to have a challenging talk with someone. I promise you, if you apply the teachings of the Bible and practice the advice in this book, you’ll come out ahead whenever you face difficult conversations.

Men and Women Are Equal—Not

We all are children of God, created in his image. But He also created men and women with differences. When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created. (Genesis 5:1-2)

As spiritual beings standing before The Lord, men and women are absolutely equal, and He loves us the same. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3: 28)

However, God gave men and women as physical beings different gifts to serve Him. And as social beings, men and women are presented with different challenges.

When it comes to dealing with disagreements and setting boundaries, those differences matter.

To live up to their divinely-designated role as nurturers (who must provide love, care, support, encouragement, and protection to others), women tend to make fewer requests for themselves than men. Women tend to leave their own needs for last. (You know this is true.)

The Bible teaches women:

•to be submissive (Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18) )

•to avoid questioning authority (The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. (1 Corinthians 14:34) )

•to remain quiet and avoid correcting others (I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. (Timothy 2:12)

These verses reflect the patriarchal Jewish culture of the first century that denied women the opportunities men had. (The study of Scripture was essential for men, but women were not allowed to learn from the sacred texts.) Nonetheless, Jesus never wanted any of God’s children to suffer in silence. Jesus gave women extraordinary treatment, defying the social norms of his time in many ways: he spoke to women in public; he refused to see women as unclean or deserving of harsher punishments; he recognized the dignity of women; he taught women about Scripture; and he even accepted women as disciples. Jesus conferred women a standing like men’s when he called them daughters of Abraham. (Luke 13:16)

Still, women struggle to find the right balance between remaining silent or speaking up.

Many women avoid facing conflict head-on because they fear hurting others or being disliked. Women intuitively know that if they’re seen as confrontational or demanding, people will not like them: Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19)

And that’s why women must learn to hold difficult conversations the right way: to be true to their faith and to themselves, while reducing the risk of hurting others and being disliked.

Wanting to be liked is not a shallow pursuit. Being liked matters because the better liked a woman is, the more respect, recognition, and better health she’ll enjoy. She will be more successful, and—very importantly—she will have a social support system to help her through tough times.

Equally important, women who are well-liked bring out the best in others.¹ Isn’t it part of what Christian living is all about?

Women Need to Be Assertive—As Women

Jesus did not want women to be passive—he encouraged them to be strong and of good courage. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

But women need to learn how to be assertive as women.

Wait. Isn’t assertiveness the same for men and for women?

No. Definitely NO.

That’s because of societal double standards that cause people to judge men and women differently: there’s ample evidence that while assertive men are admired, people react negatively to assertive women.

Consider these examples.

•Research has shown that men are able to express assertive behavior without being perceived as less likable, but the same is not true for women. ²

•Attempting to negotiate can make anyone seem less pleasant, but it’s only women who subsequently suffer a penalty: people are less inclined to work with them as co-workers, subordinates, or bosses. ³

Even intuitively, women know that the strategies to confront others or set boundaries that work for men don’t work for women.

I know it too.

Look, my husband for instance. John is a devoted Christian. He’s a Gideon (the men who buy Bibles to place them in hotel rooms and to gift them to those in need of love and consolation), he does jail ministry, he serves as board member for a maternity care shelter for young girls who choose life, and he’s frequently a guest speaker at churches. (And he still has time to make killer spaghetti.) I love him to death, but sometimes I’m a bit jealous because I recognize that as a man he gets away with things that, if I did, would cause people to question my understanding of my God-given role as a woman.

Because most women recognize that behaving assertively like men will come back and bite them, they make fewer requests for themselves and therefore leave wants and needs unspoken. These unspoken emotions can have devastating consequences that range from internalized anger and depression to financial penalties and relational frustration.

I’ve heard many women express loud and clear that they know the problem, but are not quite sure about the solution.

It is what it is, many women tell me, shrugging. It’s better not to say anything. And I wonder if they’re aware that the silent frustration is taking a toll on their wellbeing. Consider for instance that the vast majority of women who have been sexually harassed at work—75 percent, according to an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission study— never reported it out of fear of retaliation or not being believed.

And, when a woman finally decides to get help, she faces yet another obstacle: most of the advice available out there is implicitly intended for men and therefore will likely backfire when followed by a woman.

Advice Intended for Men Carries Backslash for Women

A recent study that analyzed the self-help book market jokingly states that, Not only don’t men want to ask for directions when they get lost, market research suggests that they don’t read self-help books, either. But get this: men are the ones writing the majority of the self-help books that women read. Two thirds, actually—and that’s no joke.

That might be one of the reasons why all the other conflict-management and boundary-setting books out there, written by men (or by predominantly male teams) and implicitly (and unconsciously) for men short-change women in two crucial ways:

•They fail to acknowledge and address the challenges that women face, but men don’t. (And I’m not talking about having to turn a banana sideways when eating it in public.)

•They neglect to explain that many of the strategies they recommend—when followed by a woman—will carry backlash.

The Bible warns women about behaving the way men do: A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God. (Deuteronomy 22:5)

Social researchers call this gender stereotype violation.⁴ When a person does not conform to stereotyped roles, meaning he or she doesn’t behave like people of their gender are expected to behave, that individual is penalized through social rejection. Women who act like men are disliked, and this harms a woman’s career in ways she may not even be aware of, it negatively impacts her work relationships, access to social networks, day-to-day interactions, and ultimately her opportunities for advancement.⁵

For all these reasons, ignoring the existence of double standards makes books that are not specifically written for women not only ineffective, but risky.

This Book Is Written Specifically for Christian Women

Double-standards call for advice tailored for women.

Consider these examples:

•Research shows highly assertive women are judged more harshly and evaluated as less popular and less psychologically well-adjusted than passive-dependent women. ⁶

•Female salary negotiation research shows that women, more often than men, need to legitimize their requests during a negotiation. ⁷

•Stereotypes and unconscious bias cast women as too emotional.

There is scientific evidence that if a woman expresses an emotion such as anger, fear, sadness, or disgust, people think it’s because she’s emotional, whereas if a man displays the same level and type of emotion people think it’s because he’s having a bad day.⁸ (I