Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide

By Gary Roe

The unthinkable has happened. 

Painful. Crushing. Traumatic. Confusing. 

Complicated. 

No chance to say goodbye. No final embrace, kiss, or touch. No opportunity to clear the air, ask and give forgiveness, or make amends.

A life gone.

The tsunami has come, and now you're left standing amid the aftermath. 

What do you do?

Reach out and grab the hand of multiple award-winning author and grief counselor Gary Roe. Let him walk with you through this uncharted, forbidding territory. You need a companion who can be a source of comfort, perspective, hope, and healing. Let Gary journey with you through the aftermath and help you pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild your heart and life. 

Aftermath was written to...

• Connect with your heart in all the pain, grief, and confusion.

• Be a companion for you in this unwanted, heart-crushing process that has been thrust upon you.

• Be a source of comfort, perspective, healing, and peace.

• Provide practical tools to help you pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild your heart and life. 

In Aftermath, you can discover how to...

• Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself during this incredibly hard time.

• Manage the racing thoughts and volatile emotions that come.

• Deal with other people and the unhelpful words and weird reactions that come your way.

• Navigate the tough spiritual issues and faith questions that confront your soul.

• Grieve in healthy ways that honor the one you lost, take your own heart seriously, and express kindness and compassion to those around you.

• Abandon the notion of quick fixes, self-medicating relief, and the lying voice of addiction as a way out.

• Latch onto the truth that no one is beyond repair and that anyone can heal - including you.

• Use your grief as fuel for good and make this death count by living with more purpose and meaning than ever before.

• Save lives and become part of the solution to this raging suicide epidemic. 

You didn't choose this road. You woke up on day and found you were on it. You're left standing in amid the aftermath. 

But you are not alone. Far from it. Let Aftermath become a understanding companion for you in the days ahead. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Healing Resources Publishing
• Release date: Nov 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393239048

Gary Roe

Kevin Carey, founder of thegriefguide.org and Diamond Grief Groups, is a grief management specialist and hospice chaplain who has been a trusted voice in grief recovery with a message of hope and healing to wounded hearts for the past three decades. In addition to being a former mental health therapist and minister, Kevin brings a pastoral approach to bereaved individuals through the difficult seasons of life.

Book preview

Dedication

To all those who have lost someone to suicide.

Your hearts deserve hope and healing.

It is my prayer that you find a little of both in these pages.

What This Book Is All About

So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.

- E.A. Bucchianeri

The loss of a loved one or friend is a terrible thing. It’s painful, confusing, and can be traumatic. If the death is by suicide, the situation and our grief can be infinitely more complicated.

We have questions that may never be answered.

We have little to no closure. No chance to say goodbye. No final conversation. No final embrace, kiss, or touch before the event.

No opportunity, knowing that death was coming, to clear the air, ask and give forgiveness, or make amends. No final chances to work things out, ask questions, or process things together.

Over the past three decades, I’ve had the honor of walking with thousands of wounded, hurting souls through the valley of grief — as a friend, family member, pastor, and now hospice chaplain and grief specialist counselor. I’ve learned that every heart and every loss is different. Suicide loss is in a class all by itself.

This death is different. It was a choice. The fact that someone chose to take their own life and leave us comes with a unique set of complicated emotions, frustrations, and challenges.

It is a death with powerful, ongoing ripple effects.

Why I Wrote This Book

Honestly, I didn’t want to write this book.

I’ve had many interactions with those who have experienced a suicide death. Many have asked me to write something specifically for them that addresses the unique and complicated nature of this kind of death and grief. But I was scared. Though my mom had attempted suicide when I was a teen, I had not personally experienced the suicide death of anyone close to me.

Then, over a two-year period, I officiated at more than a dozen suicide funerals in my community. Veterans, teens, successful businesspeople — all well liked and loved. The youngest victim was 15. I was shaken.

As I listened to these families, my heart broke. The grief around me was deep, palpable, stunning. Suddenly it seemed I was bumping into suicide everywhere - in the news, on social media, in emails, and in everyday conversations.

Then just before Christmas last year, a friend’s teen son took his life. I sat in his office and listening as he poured out his grief. Sadness, anger, confusion, and guilt permeated his sobs, words, and body language. He was broken, crushed, shattered.

I left his office that day knowing I had to do something.

The next day I sent out a request on email and social media. Have you lost someone to suicide? If so, would you be willing to share your story?

The responses poured in, one after the other. And they just kept coming. The pain virtually leaped off the page and filled the atmosphere around me. Such intensity. So much grief. So many questions.

As I read these stories, I couldn’t help but think that the best way to honor those who died and the pain of their loved ones was to produce something that might help stem this tide and save lives. I asked those who had shared with me and they heartily agreed and encouraged me in this. The result was The Suicide Prevention Project, which includes four books - two for teens and two for adults. You can read more about that on The Suicide Prevention Project page at the end of this book.

Just before the final Suicide Prevention Project book was released, I began writing Aftermath. I revisited all those painful and precious stories of loved ones who died by suicide and what those left behind experienced (and are still experiencing) in the wake of it all. I pictured these people in my mind. Some of their stories are sprinkled throughout this book.

And then I pictured you - the ones who would read this book.

I wrote this book thinking about you.

I wrote this book to connect with you, where you are, in all the pain, grief, and confusion.

I wrote this book to be an ongoing companion for you in this unwanted, heart-crushing process that has been thrust upon you.

I wrote this book to be a voice that validates your pain and all the upheaval and change that has occurred (and is occurring) in your life.

I wrote this book to hopefully be a source of some comfort, perspective, healing, and peace to your mind and heart.

I wrote this book to provide some practical tools for you as you pick up the pieces, try to make sense of this, and begin to rebuild your heart and life.

What I Hope for You as You Read This Book

As you delve into the pages ahead, here are some of the things I hope for you:

I hope you’ll be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. This is traumatic and incredibly hard.

I hope you will be encouraged and relieved to discover that the intense and unusual things you’re feeling and thinking are common, reasonable, and even natural in this situation.

I hope you will implement some of the practical suggestions for managing the racing thoughts and volatile emotions that come - and find these simple techniques comforting, empowering, and healing.

I hope you will be encouraged to take your heart seriously and ease your expectations of yourself and others during this intense time. Everything has changed. Life is not business as usual.

I hope you will find help in dealing with the people around you and all the weird, unhelpful words and reactions that come your way.

I hope you will find guidance on how to navigate the tough spiritual issues and faith questions that your soul is confronted with.

I hope you will embrace learning to grieve in healthy ways that honor the one you lost, take your own heart seriously, and express kindness and compassion to those around you.

I hope you will abandon the notion of quick fixes, self-medicating relief, and the lying voice of addiction as a way out. The only way out of this pain is through it.

I hope you will latch onto the truth that no one is beyond repair and that anyone can heal - including you. You will never be the same, but you can heal more than you realize.

I hope you will grasp with both hands the fact that you can use your grief as fuel for good. You can make this death count by living with more purpose and meaning than ever before.

I hope you will see that, no matter how devastated you are at present, you can become part of the solution to the raging suicide epidemic. You can be a part of saving lives.

I hope you will know that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and that you will make it through this.

This journey is difficult.

The suicide grief journey is hard. You didn’t choose this road. You woke up one day and found you were on it. Suicide death invaded like a heat-seeking missile. It detonated with sudden, devastating force, fragmenting everything in its path. You’re left standing amid the rubble, wondering what happened, and how.

Breathe. Take your time.

Read on.

Part One:

Suicide Tsunami

Though in the end, it was his decision, my son didn’t act alone. A host of messages and influences beat him down over time and stole his life.

– S.T.

Each person suffers from their own brand of loneliness.

We wake each day on our own private islands, surrounded by a sea of influences and information.

The waves never cease. The sound of their relentless pounding echoes in us.

We see other islands in the distance. We just can’t seem to ever get there.

We’re tired. Beaten. Alone in a crowd. Isolated. We go deeper inside.

One day all the waves join forces and collect themselves into an irresistible force.

We hear it coming and know we don’t stand a chance.

This is what the suicidal thoughts tell us.

One:

Malissa

My beautiful daughter Malissa will remain in my heart forever. She was 25.

It’s been 18 months since she passed away. I knew she battled with depression and was not well within herself. I never expected suicide to be the outcome.

I had spoken to her just two days prior to receiving the news that would change my life forever. She sounded positive, hopeful, and even spoke of her future. I told her I was proud of her, so happy to hear from her, and that I loved her.

The news of her death came from my eldest daughter. It literally took my breath away. I couldn’t think clearly or function for a while. I managed to get through the funeral and then fell apart afterwards. The world around me was so silent and quiet.

I found many wonderful support groups on Facebook and would reach out often. There were many kind strangers on the same journey that I could share my heart and soul with. They understood. They had been walking the road that I was just beginning.

I am grateful for the wisdom and advice I received. I focused on getting through each day one moment, one breath at a time. Prayer, hope, and faith kept me sane. God’s grace enabled me to make it through each day.

I have learned to find positive things and beauty in each day, no matter how small or irrelevant they might be to anyone else. I have learned to take nothing for granted, to grieve as I need to, and give myself all the time I need. I allow myself to fall apart if necessary, but not to stay there.

I read all I can regarding loss and death. I have journaled some. I pray a lot.

I have images in my mind of her body after her suicide. Though that vision will be with me the rest of my days, I try to focus on remembering her smile, her contagious laugh, and the beautiful person she was.

Through all the tears and prayer, my hope is that she is truly happy and no longer knows pain. I hope that she has found her peace. I believe she has.

Two:

Suicide Contagion

"Suicide is often contagious. If it were a

strain of bacteria or a virus, we would have declared a state of emergency long ago."

– D.V.

From the Grieving Heart:

I knew suicide was an issue. I just didn’t know how pervasive it was. I guess I didn’t want to go there.

Now it’s become personal. Suicide has stolen someone I love and care about.

This isn’t just sad. It’s a catastrophe. I’m broken, shattered, crushed.

How did this contagion get to them? I didn’t see this coming. Or maybe I did. I don’t know.

I don’t know much right now.

Suicide is in the news. It’s on our screens, in our magazines, and all around us.

Suicide deaths have increased by 33% since the year 2000 in the United States.

Over 47,000 died by suicide last year. That’s an average of over 130 people every day. Someone takes their own life every 11 minutes, and there is an attempt every 27 seconds.

Suicide is currently the tenth leading cause of death overall and the second leading cause of death among our teens.

We lose 20 veterans a day to suicide. The total number of veteran suicides has now surpassed the number killed in the Vietnam War.

More First Responders lose their lives to suicide than in the line of duty. Suicide is five times more likely among our First Responders than among the population at large.

The current fastest-growing suicide demographic is ages 10-14. Suicide clearly does not discriminate based on age, race, socioeconomics, or any other demographic.

If a cause of death due to disease in the United States increased by 33% over a period of 20 years, we would declare a national emergency. It would be called a contagion, an epidemic, and a national disaster. We would be addressing the issue in our media, businesses, educational institutions, medical systems, and every other possible venue. Our government would be taking sweeping, decisive action.

There is obviously something about suicide that’s different. Now we’ve experienced it. A loved one has become a casualty in a larger war. Yes, they made decisions that led them there, but they were also influenced by a larger-than-we-realize, society-wide wave of self-harm.

In other words, factors larger and broader than our loved one’s personal struggles were at work. As we grieve, we need to remember this. This perspective will aid us in grieving in healthy ways.

Affirmation: Suicide has become personal.

As I grieve, I’ll remember that a larger war has influenced my loved one’s death.

Three:

The Stigma

Suicide. No one wants to talk about it until it happens.

– T.J.

From the Grieving Heart:

If suicide is such an issue,

how come no one wants to talk about it?

Are we scared? Are we worried about making matters worse? Do we just not want to go there?

Are we just pretending?

People look at me differently. I know someone who died by suicide.

I can feel the judgment in their eyes.

Really? On top of all the other pain, we victims of suicide get to be judged, too?

It’s like I’ve been infected somehow. No one wants to come close.

Suicide stigma has been around for a long time. We’ve seen suicide as an unforgivable sin - a criminal act of self-murder. It’s been labeled as cowardly, cruel, and selfish. Some felt only a crazy, unhinged person would even attempt such a thing, much less succeed.

This is part of the Suicide Tsunami that we battle. On top of the death, the shock, and all the grief, our loved one gets labeled. We then get labeled by association. Assumptions are made. Judgments are pronounced.

We heap ourselves up with guilt about what we could or should have done or said. Now the world joins in the accusation. Surely someone could have done something, especially those closest to them. Someone should have noticed something, etc.

Our Be Happy! world doesn’t like suicide. It avoids it at all costs. We don’t want to deal with it, hear about it, or encounter it. We certainly don’t want to think deeply about it and consider what constructively could or should be done about it.

Stigma. One dictionary defines it as, a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. The one who died is marked and categorized. The closer we were to them, the more we feel this. We get stamped and marked with this stigma as well.

All this complicates an already incredibly complex situation. Grief gets catapulted to new heights. Most of us begin to feel the instinct to hide.

And yet, hiding is the last thing we should do. The world around us may not be helpful right now. We need to find ways to navigate this, on top of everything else.

Affirmation: I’ll be aware that suicide stigma is real

and will try