Too Smart to Split: An open-minded mission to get out of a relationship rut.

By Alithea (Honesty)

This book relates in short, easy to read form, the gems uncovered by a woman on a mission to do anything and everything to retrieve her relationship from a major rut.

Designed for time-poor women, desperate to retrieve their previous connection with their partner, or to learn how to better assess a relationship at the very beginning - this is everything you wish your best aunt or big sister had filled you in on. You can flick through and work out which chapters seem to apply to your situation, then take a deep dive into the relevant linked articles and share as appropriate with your partner. 

This is the stuff about relationships we ought to be taught in school, plus some more adult content (non-pornographic) that can widen your mindset.

• Language: English
• Publisher: KBP Amsterdam
• Release date: Aug 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9789082423617

Book preview

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1

Choosing Wisely

Before going to war, say one prayer; before going to sea, two; before getting married, three

(Polish Adage).

Why is it that in some countries you are required by law to undertake counselling before a divorce is granted, and yet, blissfully engaged couples are not required to discuss their expectations of a lifelong commitment (i.e. marriage)?

A full psychological evaluation sounds appealing, but realistically what can you do before coupling up, to make sure there are no enormous divides (which can easily be obscured by lust and pretense in the first few years of a relationship)? With the changes in societal expectations of men and women’s roles in marriage (which only really kicked in in the 1970s), it is no surprise that conflict between life partners is escalating. However, a customized marriage, designed to fit your particular partnership, is possible and can work.

Have I met the right person?

If you are wondering whether the person you are thinking of committing to (by marriage or with children), is the right one for you, there are some excellent points raised on Relate Institute’s website, regardless of whether you pay to do their test or not.

Consider your personality traits in terms of your dreams and what motivates you to reach them. Do you generally need to Explore (dopamine release freak), Keep steady and Build (soothed by serotonin), Direct (bossy with testosterone) or Negotiate (go easy with oestrogen)? According to Helen Fisher (Why Him? Why Her?, New York, Henry Holt, 2009), Explorers and Builders are not a good match, but Negotiators can form a highly successful relationship with Directors.

Assess your compatibility in four realms: Physical (attractiveness to each other), Emotional (supportive and understanding of each other), Social (same religion or interests or same level of introvert/extrovert), and Intellectual (same political or learning interests). For a good long-term union you need to be very compatible on at least two of these AS WELL AS the physical side of things, since the physical attraction will potentially change with age and the disappearance of hormones.

Consider your personality traits – are you both people who like to do things by the book, or rebels who prefer to go for an anti-establishment deal (in fact will do the opposite of whatever you are ‘told’ to do), or are you different? Once you are tied in matrimony, will that leave you fighting each other, rather than fighting ‘the establishment’? If you have always cherished your independence and have a love of travel, but your partner is more of a ‘home-body’, how are you going to formulate a long-term relationship that respects the need for some freedom of travel? You can come up with your own magic recipe, since the paperwork of marriage is only really related to the money and asset-sharing aspect.  What happens in your private realm is for you to define.

Waitbutwhy.com does a fantastically humorous stick picture job of explaining the different forces at work as we try to make ‘The Decision’ (Love, Fear, Ego, & Sex Drive). The deal-breaker system (of defining your values and needs) and the happiness charts are great ways to map out your feelings. In addition, they have an article ‘3 things to consider when choosing a life partner‘ – but don’t worry too much if you find yourself at the bottom of the staircase!  If you need more clarity on your own character strengths and weaknesses, so that you can compare each others ‘Top 5’, do the free questionnaire at viacharacter.org.

If you are in the committal stage of a relationship and able to be proactive; Wills (living as well as regular), Values (list your top five priorities now, and in five/ten years’ time), Monogamy (non-negotiable or negotiable?), Marriage counselling (whether either party would be willing to attend, if requested by the other), Kids (if/when exactly), Money (joint bank accounts or separate: how much would you consider a normal amount to spend on a couch, or a car?), Social lives (separate and joint, expectations after children) – are all really important and practical topics that need discussing, and can be done as part of pre-marital education (see apracticalwedding.com by Meg Keene). If you are getting married (or entering into a de-facto relationship), you need to be aware of each other’s assets and debts, pensions (superannuation in Australia), and discuss life insurance provisions.

Getting these things written down and agreed could be the basis for your personal agreement going forward, although it may need revision later on. This is your opportunity to brainstorm solutions creatively and open-mindedly, before the tricky emotions of real-life scenarios come into play. If you feel uncomfortable talking about money now, imagine how much more of a sticky subject it could be whilst getting divorced. Try scheduling a discussion immediately before some kind of rewarding treat (such as a fun night out for the two of you), and make sure it is not at a ‘hormonal’ time of the month.   You need to work out your basic values and the ‘non-negotiables’ in the relationship, in order to see if you are compatible.

If you have in-laws to deal with (particularly if there are cultural differences)  one thing needs to be very clear – your partner needs to stick up for you and your joint decisions – over and above his/her family. If they aren’t willing to put your side in any family debate, and act as negotiator, your relationship may prove difficult to maintain.

Marriage education is a prevention program, rather than marriage therapy or counselling. Discussing what might seem like mundane topics, such as who will do what chores, could actually save a lot of problems later due to unvoiced expectations (especially as our expectations as a couple without children can shift when children arrive). Some people get married without even discussing if they want to have children – thinking this will magically sort itself out later. Differences in expectations can be a real eye-opener.

You also need to look at the parents of your partner, and your own parents (go back a couple of generations also to explore your personal experience of relationships). Do your forebears have a relationship that you would like to emulate? If not, what are you going to do to ensure that yours does not end up the same? The fact is that we are somewhat hard-wired to impersonate our parents. That being the case, would your potential father-in-law be happy in the company of your mother?

A really good thing to do, if you have to consider a marriage proposal, is to sit down (separately) with the three (most honest) people that know you best, or whose opinion you most value. Ask them, whilst maintaining eye contact, if they think you and your intended are truly compatible. Listen to what they have to say – remembering that they are looking out for you. Anything other than a definitive ‘Yes!’ from the majority, may mean you need to hold off from making such a big commitment.

If you would like to draw on the wisdom of elders for positive role models, you can refer to the US ‘Project Everlasting’, based on interviews around the States by two bachelors, of real-life love stories (book $17.99, DVD $24.99).

If I could draw up some kind of questionnaire (with hindsight) I would include questions like:

Are you both cuddly people?

Do you like pets in the home? Did you grow up with any pets?

How much time did you spend with your mother and father as a child?

Would you imagine your parents living with us when they are elderly?

How much would you expect to go out if we had young children?

Where would you dream of retiring?

Did you share a bedroom growing up or are you used to having your own space?

How much affection do your parents show each other in your presence?