Great Sex Starts at 50: Age-Proof Your Libido & Transform Your Sex Life

By Tracey Cox

"Hoping to keep having great sex for the rest of your life? Be sure to keep this book next to your bed." —Stephen Snyder, MD

It's time to discover that the sex you have later in life can be far superior.

Reassuring, honest, funny, and most of all empowering, Great Sex Starts at 50 is the must-have sex and relationships book for men and women hitting half a century with little sign of slowing down. There's no denying that something happens to us sexually at 50. From menopause to the mixed blessing of Viagra to other challenges that go beyond the physical: How do you ignite desire after decades with the same person?

Thankfully, information and enthusiasm can help you reclaim a robust sex life—and greater health, as a result. In this easy-to-follow guide, Tracey Cox uses a blend of research, case studies, practical techniques, and personal anecdotes to show you how to arouse yourself and your partner, regain your passion, navigate relationship issues, and create the perfect conditions for sex. Tracey's authentic, trustworthy, and relatable approach will give you everything you need to do it!

The perfect book for:

• The growing demographic of Gen X and Boomers who want to live well and are leading a new dating and sexual revolution for the over-50s
• Fans of Hot Sex: How to Do It
• Milestone birthday gift seekers (40th, 50th)
• Premenopausal, perimenopausal, and menopausal women looking for a sexual health resource
• Medical professionals

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chronicle Books Digital
• Release date: Feb 2, 2021
• ISBN: 9781797207902

Tracey Cox

Tracey Cox is the author of 16 worldwide bestselling books about sex and relationships. She writes for a wide range of newspapers and magazines including Glamour, Maxim, and MailOnline. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and The Today Show. She has given generations of women sex advice and, post-50 herself, she’s in a prime position to write about this topic.

Book preview

Praise for Tracey Cox and

Great Sex Starts at 50

Frank, forthright, and at times hysterically funny.

—Cosmopolitan UK

Cox is fantastically unshockable. She has the practical, unsqueamish air of a doctor without the white coat.

—The Observer

What distinguishes her from other so-called sexperts is an ability to talk with candor and a sense of empathy. . . . This is the heart of her appeal, the ability to talk about sex in a universal way.

—The London Times

Tracey Cox is stunningly well informed about sex. She can tell a G-spot from an A-spot and could probably find both of them before the rest of us have got the map references.

—The Mirror

"Great Sex Starts at 50 is perhaps Tracey Cox’s most intimate book to date. After 20 years answering sex questions from people all over the world, she knows the questions everyone is wondering about (Is something wrong with my libido, or am I just bored?) and answers them all with her trademark sanity and compassion. Hoping to keep having great sex for the rest of your life? Be sure to keep this book next to your bed."

—Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship

First published in North America in 2021 by Chronicle Books LLC.

Originally published in the United Kingdom in 2019 by Murdoch Books.

Copyright © 2020 by Tracey Cox.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

This book is written as a source of information only. The information contained in this book should by no means be considered a substitute for the advice of a qualified medical professional, who should always be consulted before beginning any new exercise or other health program.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-7972-0790-2

Author photograph © John Scott.

Design by Laura Palese.

Typesetting by Maureen Forys, Happenstance Type-O-Rama. Typeset in Freight Text, Omnes, Mohr, Bryant, and Veneer Clean.

Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at [e-mail] or at 1-800-759-0190.

Chronicle Prism is an imprint of Chronicle Books LLC, 680 Second Street, San Francisco, California 94107

www.chronicleprism.com

To my husband, Miles,

my everything

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CONTENTS

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Get Ready for the Ride of Your Life!

1

Four Things That Will Revolutionize Your Sex Life

2

How to Age-Proof Your Libido

3

But I Don’t Feel Sexy Anymore

4

The Motherf*cker That Is Menopause

5

I Love My Partner but Don’t Want to Have Sex with Them Anymore

6

Women Don’t Have Low Libidos, We’re Bored!

7

Have (Hot) Sex without an Erection

8

Why Sex Toys Can Solve Most of Your Problems

9

How to Survive in a Sexless Relationship

0

Affairs: Yours, Theirs, and Dealing with the Fallout

-

Fifty-Something and Single

=

Fifty Things You Only Know After 50

Acknowledgments

Resources

References

About the Author

GET READY FOR THE

RIDE OF YOUR LIFE!

Asked to conjure up an image of a middle-aged woman 20 years ago, most would picture a permed, stout female in sensible shoes, puttering about in the garden. Look up Jennifer Lopez—who recently turned 50—and you’ll see things have changed. My God, have they changed! Fifty-plus looks nothing like it used to. We have powerful female role models other generations never had: ageless beauties like Helen Mirren, the vivacious Taraji P. Henson, nutty old Madonna still wearing her fishnets, Christine Lagarde, Annie Leibovitz, Annie Lennox, Isabelle Huppert, Jennifer Doudna, and Michelle Obama. None of these women got the memo that you’re meant to become sexless, invisible, and dull when you hit half a century. We’re different from our mothers when it comes to sex, as well. We’re better educated than ever before. We’re aware of the benefits of testosterone supplements and know that Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) can keep our sex organs in good condition, as well as our moods stable. We exercise more, do yoga and Pilates, eat better, feel and dress younger.

As a society, we’re much more open about things like menopause, and—love it or loathe it—there is absolutely no doubt that Fifty Shades of Grey had a massive impact on middle-aged women, reminding us of how good sex used to be when it was interesting rather than routine and repetitive. Your kids might look disgusted at the thought that you’re still at it, but some older women are having more sex, and more satisfying sex, than ever before.

And yet . . . if it were all plain sailing, there would be no reason for me to write this book, would there? Something happens to us sexually at 50. Our desire for sex plummets. Low desire is the most common sex issue affecting older people—and it’s twice as common in women. Lots of couples don’t talk about dwindling desire, where any type of physical intimacy starts to feel awkward and, without acknowledgment, all affection stops and couples drift apart. There are a lot of older people flatlining and free-falling toward a sexless future—and panicking about it.

It’s not that we’re all just lazy, either. Even if 50 is the new 35, our bodies are still changing. Menopause brings with it a whole set of challenges, from painful sex and dry vaginas to bottomed-out libidos and body-image issues. Meanwhile, many men worry about penises that don’t perform like they used to, suffering a crisis of confidence as they grapple with erectile dysfunction and the mixed blessing that is Viagra. Toss in such pedestrian aging realities as knee pain, stiff backs, arthritis, and unwanted sexual side effects from common post-50 medications, and sex can become a source of stress rather than pleasure.

Other challenges go beyond the physical: is it possible to reignite desire after decades with the same person? What do you do when you love your partner desperately but no longer want to have sex with them? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship if there is no sex? And how do you cope with the mess that’s left when infidelity visits? Happily, information and enthusiasm are all it takes to work through a lot of these issues and reclaim a robust sex life. Why bother? Sex isn’t just for fun; it keeps us healthy as well. It’s great for the immune system, our hearts, and muscle strength. One study found the death rate halved for middle-aged men who reported the highest number of orgasms. Research also shows that sex helps to reduce blood pressure, lower stress, lift our mood, and even improve our memory. Regular orgasms are crucial for both our emotional and physical well-being; they help us sleep, make us feel more relaxed, and release endorphins that make us feel lighthearted. It’s undeniable: there’s a strong correlation between sexual intimacy and a sense of well-being for people of all ages.

This book isn’t about trying to stay young—either in attitude or physicality. It’s not about desperately trying to turn back the clock. It’s about empowering you with information and practical solutions so you can be the best version of yourself, able to enjoy your relationships, whatever situation you’re in, inspired and ready to live the second half of your life as happily as the first.

We are all unique, and I’ve written this book with all of you in mind, whether you’re in a long-term relationship, newly single, happily settled for life, or somewhere in between. It’s for everyone on the sexuality spectrum—straight, bisexual, lesbians, women who love sex, women who dread sex, and women who’ve never quite gotten what all the fuss was about. Most of all, it’s for women who once loved sex but have lost enthusiasm due to the aging process. I’ve aimed this book at women, but it’s designed to be shared with your partner—male or female—so both of you can benefit.

I interviewed hundreds of women aged 45 to 80 for this book, and their stories both uplifted me and broke my heart. Some are having great sex; others have decided not to have sex at all. One woman had her first orgasm at 45; another had hers at 17 and continues to have them, with the same person, in her seventies. There’s something to be learned from all of these women, and you’ll find their case histories and quotes scattered throughout the book.

I’m 59 and this is my 17th book on sex and relationships. My first was Hot Sex: How to Do It, published 20 years ago. Maybe you read it and have gotten older with me. It became one of the bestselling books of its time, selling over one million copies worldwide and translated into more than 20 languages. Hot Sex was one of the first sex books to offer practical, step-by-step advice that was tried and tested and nonjudgmental. It tells you everything you need to know to have great sex . . . under the age of 50. Until you hit 50 yourself, you have no idea that sex is a totally different ball game in the second half-century.

This is the grown-up’s version of Hot Sex. I hope you find it real, reassuring, honest, and (hopefully) funny. Most of all, I hope you find it useful—a book you can dip into and out of, that’s there by your side from now on. Kind of like a best friend who’s superknowledgeable about sex. If I really wanted to flatter myself, I’d imagine you giving it to your daughters, friends, and workmates when they hit their fifties. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it.

SIX TRUTHS ABOUT SEX THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE

1. One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs is being desired. Knowing someone really wants you beats even outstanding sexual technique any day.

2. The most erotic sex of your life won’t necessarily include an orgasm. When you’re totally immersed in the experience, having an orgasm becomes irrelevant. This is why orgasm-focused sex misses the point entirely.

3. Saying no to sex now and then is no bad thing. It means you feel comfortable saying no, leaving your partner reassured that when you say yes, you are really in the mood for it.

4. Sex is psychophysiological. This means you have to keep your brain stimulated for your genitals to sit up and pay attention.

5. Sex isn’t something that comes naturally. We aren’t born knowing how to make love to someone. It’s something we learn.

6. True arousal is much more than feeling wet or hard. You feel it in the whole of your body, not just in the genitals.

If you do nothing els e but read the first chapter of this book, I’ll be happy.

That’s because it focuses on the single most important factor that will determine whether or not you are happy sexually, whatever your age: the way you think about sex. Changing how you think is as powerful as changing how you behave, perhaps even more so.

Knowledge, as always, is power. It’s far more important to understand the fundamentals of how your body and desire work than it is to master a new technique. Not that variety and effective sex skills aren’t important—they are. It’s just that they’re utterly useless unless your head’s in the right place.

I’ll be expanding on everything I touch on here as the book progresses, but if you take these four fundamental principles on board now, the rest is easy.

1 MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

We all look wistfully back at the sex we had when we were 18, and there isn’t a couple alive who wouldn’t turn back time (and freeze it) to relive the enthusiastic, lusty sex they had in that first year of being together. But who says that good sex has to conform to the cliché of the frantic, energetic coupling of young bodies with desire ignited by merely a glance? For many couples, the kind of sex you have later in life can turn out to be far superior.

Young sex isn’t better sex;

it’s simply a different style of sex

Our bodies change as we age. Our lives change. What we want from life changes. I don’t want to do the same things I wanted to in my twenties, and I certainly don’t want the sort of sex I had back then either (all that hard, deep thrusting—are you kidding?).

Sex in your fifties and over is gentler, unhurried, less focused on penetration. One reason why older couples report higher ­satisfaction with sex is that they slow down and spend longer on foreplay. (Foreplay is necessary at any age, but try skipping it post-50—it’s disastrous!)

Genitals age along with the rest of our bodies. While women moan about dry, sensitive vaginas, men lament the loss of the hard, strapping erections of their youth. In their twenties, they got an erection just thinking about sex. Post-50, most men need strong, firm stimulation, and it might take a while.

This is normal. It’s called aging, folks, and it’s going to happen no matter what. But everyone has a choice about how they deal with it. You can find it all terribly depressing and go down a sad, bitter path, grieving for your youth and focusing on everything that’s bad about getting older. Become a grumpy old woman or man. Or you can get a grip, accept reality, look for the positives, and maybe have a laugh or two as you sail merrily, sexily, forward.

It’s wasted energy, worrying about getting old. Equally pointless is going on about how great the sex you had at the start was, feeling like nothing has measured up since.

Spontaneous sex is overrated

Spontaneity is something else that’s talked about a lot. We never have spontaneous sex anymore. We used to at the start. I miss it.

Are you sure it was all spur of the moment? When they first meet, couples put a huge amount of effort into planning sex. You work out what you’ll wear to show off your body to maximum potential, choose underwear carefully, make sure the bed linen is fresh, think about music, lighting, what sort of things you’ll do to each other once you get going, how they’ll react when you pull out that signature sex move that brought all your previous lovers to their knees. In reality, sex is a special occasion at the start and there’s no end of anticipatory planning.

Spontaneous sex is overrated—particularly when you’re older. Most women over 50 wouldn’t even think about having penetrative sex without some good-quality lube at hand, and lots of men over 50 rely on sildenafil (Viagra) or similar to get an erection. Both require planning ahead. Plus, leisurely foreplay is even more important as you age, so comfort is a priority.

Knee pain and bad backs put an end to any ideas of spicing up that country walk with a quickie up against a tree. Sex post-50 isn’t like the sex of old, so stop trying to make it so. Adjust your expectations, move the goalposts, and you might just surprise yourself at what’s in store.

2 STOP WORRYING ABOUT ORGASMS

We therapists aren’t so interested in orgasms, says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, who’s practiced for more than 30 years and counseled over 1,500 individuals and couples. We’re among the few humans on the planet who aren’t. An orgasm is just a reflex, he says. Best not to get too emotional about a reflex.

But we do. Boy, we do. Women worry a lot about orgasms: not having one, taking too long to have one, why the one we just had doesn’t feel the same as the one we had last week—and the list continues.

All pointless anxiety, says Snyder. Why would anyone worry about how long it takes to reach orgasm? he asks. So what if it takes a long time? And he offers up some simple, sane advice: Use a vibrator if it takes you a while; that will speed it up. I happen to be biased in favor of easy. If you need a vibrator to make getting to orgasm less of an ordeal, I say go for it. This refreshingly grounded therapist is the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. He thinks—and I agree—that we make way too much fuss about orgasms.

In really good sex, says Snyder, orgasm should be like the dessert at the end of a good meal. Memorable, perhaps, but not the reason you went out to dinner. The couples who have the best sex are the ones who don’t set orgasm as a goal. They just enjoy it—when and if it comes.

Here’s someone else I’ll be referring to: Emily Nagoski, a sex educator who has written another excellent book, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. She is equally as straightforward and helpful—and also wants us all to worry less about climaxing. Distress about orgasm is the second most common reason people seek treatment for sexual problems (after desire), she writes. But orgasm isn’t the goal. Pleasure is the goal. If it takes you longer to orgasm now than it did, that’s a good thing. Turn it around, Nagoski says, and think, Great! I get 30 minutes of pleasure, rather than, Why is it now taking 30 minutes?

She says orgasm is a lot like being tickled: sometimes it’s fun, other times annoying, and sometimes it’s barely noticeable. But no one ever asks me, ‘Why is it that a lot of the time when my partner tickles me it feels fun and pleasurable but then other times it really doesn’t?’ she says. We all know intuitively that there’s a time and a place for tickling. There’s a time and a place for good orgasms as well. They happen when we’re happy, relaxed, in the right headspace, and not feeling pressured. These perfect circumstances don’t happen that often, yet we continue to beat ourselves up for not having explosive orgasms, regularly, on cue.

While we’re doing some myth-busting: less than one-third of women orgasm reliably through vaginal penetration alone, while the remaining two-thirds are sometimes, rarely, or never orgasmic with penetration alone. If you’re one of the many women who’ve always felt like there’s something wrong with you for not being able to orgasm during intercourse, that should make you feel a whole lot better. You’re the majority, not the exception!

The clitoris is the Grand Central Station for erotic sensation, says Nagoski. This explains why 80 to 90 percent of women who masturbate do so with little or no vaginal penetration (even when they use vibrators).

Another eye-opener for some women, perhaps: the clitoris you see at the top of the vulva is simply the tip. It spreads into a vast arousal system, hidden under the skin, that reaches out to your entire vulva and vagina. Much of your inner clitoris is wrapped around the vagina—which could explain why some women are able to orgasm through vaginal stimulation. So-called vaginal orgasms really just come from stimulating the inner clitoris indirectly through intercourse, says Snyder.

Another thing we need to move away from is trying to label those elusive orgasms (vaginal, clitoral, blended, etc.). An orgasm is an orgasm—and they all ultimately come from clitoral stimulation.

3 START HAVING SEX

I went to see a gynecologist recently because penetrative sex hurt. That’s probably because you aren’t having sex enough, she said immediately. And that’s without even asking how much sex I actually was having.

She didn’t ask about HRT or whether I’d been through menopause. She didn’t impress upon me the importance of foreplay or ask if my husband was particularly well endowed. It all basically came down to one thing: whether or not I was having regular sex.

Use it or lose it

Use it or lose it applies to pretty much everything once you get past a half-century, but it’s crucial when it comes to sex. Regular sex helps prevent chronic cystitis, uterine prolapse, and incontinence, and it helps with vaginal thinning and dryness. It keeps his erections strong and healthy by keeping his penis oxygenated. In short: the more regularly you have sex, the better shape your genitals are in.

This is the first good reason to kick-start your sex life if it’s stalled, or to keep on having sex if you’re already having it regularly: physically, sex is very good for you. (When I say sex, by the way, I don’t mean intercourse. I mean any type of sexual activity. It might be solo sex. It might be foreplay. It might be intercourse, but sex doesn’t have to include his penis penetrating—ever, if you don’t want it to.)

Even if your libidos have flatlined and you’re both sighing—not in a good way—at the thought of doing it, there are persuasive arguments for forcing yourselves to have some sort of sex on a regular basis. Research by the University of Chicago showed couples aged 57 to 85 who still have sex rate their general health as very good or excellent. As I said earlier, research suggests the death rate halves for those who report the highest number of orgasms. Sex boosts our immune system, reduces stress, and improves memory. And they’re just the physical benefits.

Regular sex brings pleasure into our lives and increases the production of oxytocin, the love hormone, promoting trust, intimacy, and bonding. It makes us feel less depressed and more positive generally, enhancing self-esteem and confidence.

Couples who have regular sex feel more connected to their partner and rate their relationship happiness much higher than couples who don’t. Having sex also boosts your libido—and reminds you of how good sex feels, if you haven’t had it for a while.

Make