The New Sex Bible for Women: The Complete Guide to Sexual Self-Awareness and Intimacy

By Amie Harwick

A woman’s complete manual to finding more pleasure, greater confidence, and emotional connection for a better, more satisfying sex life.

You’ve heard it over and over again . . . the key to a great sexual experience is satisfying your partner. Is it true though? For most women, great sex lies in not only satisfying your partner, but also having a good understanding of your own body, needs, and desires. Whether you’re younger or older, married or not, The New Sex Bible for Women is an all-encompassing and fully comprehensive guide for women covering everything from masturbation, oral sex, self-esteem and self-care, sex positions, safety and concerns, and sex aides. Using scientific studies, case studies, testimonials, input from celebrities and professionals in the sexual health field, and illustrations, Amie Harwick walks you through every question and provides you with the information you need to become a better lover and bring even more enjoyment out of sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Nov 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781627881852

Book preview

Your Body, Your Temple

Great sex starts with understanding your sexual anatomy. In this chapter I’ll teach you to love those powerful erogenous zones that are your breasts, and you’ll take Vagina 101, a quick refresher course that’ll put you in touch with the anatomy and functions of your lady parts. You’ll also learn the truth about the fabled G-spot (here’s a hint: it’s real!). And, just in case you’ve forgotten, there’s nothing more important than your own sexual health, so I’ll remind you how to stay safe by protecting yourself against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and by choosing the right birth control option for you. Get ready to make your body your best friend.

GREAT SEX STARTS WITH YOU

First things first. Knowing and loving your body inside and out—both literally and figuratively—is the very first step on the journey to great sex. Just like anything else you value as sacred, it’s important to honor your body by giving it the time and attention it takes to know it well. If you’re more than a little mystified by yours, don’t worry: lots of women aren’t on very intimate terms with their own sexual parts. The structure of women’s sexual anatomy is tucked away neatly between our legs, and isn’t physically (or culturally) available to us on a regular basis. Men, on the other hand, experience their sexual kinesthetic awareness very differently. Due to the structure of his body, a man is able to see his penis every day, when he changes his clothes, urinates, or masturbates. It is always accessible to his eyes and hands. (It’s even more culturally acceptable for a man to adjust himself in public than it is for a woman.) Women don’t have the same access to most of their sexual anatomy, and so we have to be proactive when it comes to exploring our own bodies. And that’s all part of the fun: understanding your basic sexual anatomy and its functions—and becoming aware of how you feel about your breasts, vagina, and other sexual parts—is one of the most important things you can do to ensure that you’ll enjoy a lifetime of great sex.

BREASTS: BARING IT ALL

We’ve all got them—but what are breasts and what are they for? Well, the female breast is made of fifteen to twenty clusters of milk glands, or lobes. Each milk gland has a milk duct that leads to the nipple. Surrounding these milk glands are fatty tissue deposits that reside just under the skin of the breast. The areola, or the darkened area around the nipple, may contain small bumps, and may vary from woman to woman in size, shape, and color. During pregnancy, the breasts go through changes, such as swelling and preparation for milk production. Within two to three days of giving birth, the breasts lactate, or produce milk. To do so, the pituitary gland produces a protein called prolactin, which stimulates milk production, and releases a hormone called oxytocin, which encourages the ejection of milk from the nipple. Prolactin encourages a sense of gratification, while oxytocin—also known as the love hormone—produces feelings of warmth, affection, and a desire to bond.

While breasts aren’t technically sexual organs, they’ve been culturally associated with sex and they’re the object of an overwhelming amount of cultural attention and criticism. Women with large breasts might feel that they’re constantly being appraised or scrutinized, while women with small breasts can feel that they’re unfeminine or even abnormal. The truth is, there’s no such thing as normal. Just like individual body shapes—and vaginal shapes and sizes—every woman has her own unique breast shape, size, and sensitivity level. And if your breasts are asymmetrical, know that you’re in the majority: about 90% of women have at least a small degree of breast difference, whether it’s in their shape or size. (In most cases, the left breast is slightly larger, which may be due to an increased blood flow from its proximity to the heart.) Also, as you age, you might find that your breasts tend to hang lower on your chest, with the nipple pointing downward. Known as breast ptosis, this is a natural progression. After all, everyone ages over time, and there’s no avoiding gravity.

That said, it’s true that breast perception is often attached to self-image in women. Due to the prevalent cultural emphasis on breasts, they can play a major role in the way a woman defines herself and her own femininity. When life circumstances such as aging or breast cancer occur, some women might find themselves questioning their self-image or sexual desirability, and even experiencing depression. It’s important to remember that your breasts are a single aspect of your femininity—not its sum total.

And when it comes to breast shape and size, a recent study at the Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand has shown that men don’t necessarily think bigger is better, either. The study hypothesized that men would be more attracted to larger-breasted women, but its results demonstrated that, in fact, men responded equally to bare-chested women of all breast sizes. That means that men are simply attracted to breasts, period. In effect, desirable breast size varies among cultures. While some cultures seem to gravitate toward fuller, larger breasts, others value smaller, perkier breasts, or breasts that hang downward. The moral of the story? Don’t bother comparing your breasts to anyone else’s. That’s boring and counterproductive. It’s far more worthwhile to love the beautiful breasts you’ve got.

Plus, breasts can make hot sex even hotter. While your breasts aren’t technically sexual organs, they’re certainly part of your sexual experience. Because the breasts and nipples contain millions of sensitive nerve endings, they’re powerful erogenous zones. When aroused, your nipples may harden, your breasts might swell, and, because nipple stimulation is received by the same part of the brain as genital stimulation, they can create uterine contractions, cause plenty of erotic pleasure, and even stimulate vaginal lubrication. That means that showing your breasts some love—or letting him do it—can be a huge part of self-pleasure, foreplay, sex, or a steamy make-out session. Next time you’re getting it on with your partner, try these tips for making the most of your breasts:

Show him what you like. Lightly touch your breasts the way that you want him to touch them. He’ll learn exactly what you want him to do, and he’ll probably be hugely turned on by watching you.

Reach out. Take his hands and place them on your breasts. It’s empowering to use your hands to show him exactly where—and how—you like to be stroked.

Pleasure spiked with pain. Go ahead and pinch, squeeze, flick, or twist your nipples—or ask him to do it for you. A little pain can be very pleasurable. (A little goes a long way, though: start out very gently to find out whether it’s right for you.)

Get nailed. Have him lightly run his fingernails over your nipples. They’re so sensitive that even the gentle pressure of his nails can be an incredible turn-on.

Bite me. Ask him to lightly bite your nipples—and to quickly follow up with a gentle kiss.

Go hot and cold. Temperature sensations can really drive you crazy. Get him to help you anoint your breasts and nipples with warming oils, or to tease them by brushing them with ice cubes.

Keep him hard. Stimulate his penis by using both your breasts and your hands. Place his penis between your breasts and use your hands to masturbate him.

Exploring what works for you when you’re enjoying sex with your partner is great, but don’t forget that your breasts are yours alone. Sure, breasts are functional: they can both feed babies and give you immense sexual pleasure. But your boobs don’t belong to the doctors that squeeze them into cold mammograms, to the media, to your critical peers, or even to your lovers. They’re all yours. Here’s how to show them the love they deserve:

Get up close and personal. Stand in front of a mirror and look at your breasts. Examine them. Get to know them. What makes them special or different? Which parts of them do you love the most? Maybe it’s your nipple size, your breast shape, or the way they feel so soft to the touch.

Feel the love. Surround yourself with breast-positive partners and friends. If your partner or a friend criticizes your breasts, it may be time for a direct conversation—or it may even be time to consider whether that person deserves a place in your life. If your partner isn’t already complimenting your breasts, it’s okay to ask him for a compliment. Ask him to tell you what he likes about them.

Give them a rubdown. Breasts have relatively thin skin and can be prone to dryness. Show them some love by giving them a quick massage with your favorite lotion. You’ll love how soft and smooth they feel.

Stay healthy. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: preventive health is the best medicine. Give yourself regular breast self-exams, and be sure to talk to your doctor about any abnormalities you might have noticed.

VAGINA 101: A CRASH COURSE

Think everything between your legs is your vagina? Think again. Your vagina is just one of many lady parts that make up your sexual anatomy—and your sexual pleasure certainly doesn’t begin and end with it. Didn’t know that? Don’t worry: historically, because the majority of medical and educational materials regarding female sexual anatomy were written by men, they tended to focus on the reproductive value of the female genitals rather than their potential for sexual pleasure. (Anatomic medical researchers of the sixteenth century left the clitoris out of anatomy texts altogether.) It’s time to write the pleasure back in. The area around your vagina and vulva can be a veritable treasure trove of erotic pleasure. Let’s go over the basics of your sexual anatomy—and take a quick refresher course in how to enjoy it.

THE EXTERNAL SEX ORGANS

The external female sex organs—also known as the vulva—include the mons, the labia majora, the labia minora, the clitoris, and the opening of the vagina.

The mons is the soft fatty tissue located over the public bone. The mons—sometimes called the pubic mound—becomes covered with hair during puberty. This area contains a wealth of nerve endings. Although many women rub the mons during masturbation, it’s rarely depicted in adult films or magazines. Put the mons back on your sexual map: it’s a highly sensitive area, and simply putting a little pressure or friction on it can lead to orgasm.

The labia majora, also called the outer lips, are two outer folds of skin covering the labia minora, clitoris, urinary meatus, and vaginal opening. The labia majora begin at the mons and continue between the legs, ending just above the anus. The labia majora can vary in appearance: in some women, they can be relatively flat, while in others, they may be thicker and more prominent. They darken during puberty, although the shade varies among individuals. Their main function is to cover and protect the sexual organs. The labia majora constitute another highly sensitive area. Just lightly tracing your fingers over the labia—or having your partner do it—can be highly arousing. If you use your fingers to part your labia majora, you’ll see and feel a smaller, thinner set of lips called the labia minora (also called the inner lips). They’re two folds of asymmetrical skin that cover the clitoris and the urinary and vaginal openings, and, like the labia majora, they can vary in terms of size, shape, and color. The labia minora start at the prepuce, or the clitoral hood, and they’re dense with nerves, which means that having them touched, licked, or sucked is usually very pleasurable.

The prepuce is the piece of skin that covers and protects the clitoral shaft. In addition to being sensitive in itself, moving this clitoral hood up and down strokes the clitoris, and can lead to orgasm. Rubbing the prepuce is a way to bring yourself to orgasm while alone, or while having sex with your partner.

The most sexually sensitive organ in the female body is the clitoris, which is located below the mons and under the prepuce. The external round tip that’s visible under the prepuce is called the glans; it’s the sensitive head of the clitoris. Although only the tip of the clitoris is visible, this organ is actually a system of nerves, blood vessels, and tissues that extends inside the body. The shaft of the clitoris extends from the clitoral hood and contains erectile tissue, meaning that your clitoris will become erect and protrude when you are aroused.

The Bartholin’s glands are located inside the labia minora, to the sides of the vaginal opening. They produce some of the fluid that keeps the vagina moist—although the majority of the lubrication that comes from arousal is produced deep inside the vagina. Moisture prevents the vulva and vagina from getting irritated, and makes penetration that much easier—and hotter.

Above the vaginal opening is the urinary meatus, or the urethral opening. The urinary meatus is the opening through which urine leaves the body. Below the urinary meatus is the introitus, which is the opening that leads to the vagina. In younger women, this opening may be partially covered by a hymen, a small piece of tissue that lies over the vaginal opening. Cultural presumptions imply that a hymen is present only in virgins, but the reality is that many women will have already broken their hymens prior to penis penetration. Accidents, self-exploration, and even walking and washing can cause the hymen to break. Because the hymen becomes thinner and smaller as a girl ages, there is often very little, if any, of the hymen left when she first experiences intercourse.

THE INTERNAL SEX ORGANS

The vagina is a muscular, elastic tube that’s responsive to sexual arousal. It’s located inside the body, past the vaginal opening. When there is nothing in the vaginal cavity, its walls may feel as if they have ridges. On average, the vagina is about 4 inches (10 centimeters) deep, with the potential to deepen and stretch: during arousal, the vagina can expand up to 200%, making it easy to accommodate most penis sizes. The well-known sex psychologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson (1966) found that the average depth of a vagina is 2.75–3 inches (7–8 centimeters), but that deepens to 4.3–4.7 inches (11–12 centimeters) when aroused. If you find that intercourse with a larger partner is painful, it might help to ensure that you are fully aroused before penetration.

Only the outer area of the vagina is sensitive; the inner parts of the vagina lack the many nerve endings of the outer parts.

The cervix is the lower neck of the uterus, which protrudes into the vagina, while the opening to the cervix is the os. Right above the cervix is the isthmus, which connects the body of the uterus to the cervix. The top of the uterus is called the fundus.

The uterus goes into the deeper part of the vagina. A muscular organ that contains an egg once fertilized, the uterus encases the fetus during pregnancy. The uterus is pear-shaped and about 3 inches (7.6 centimeters) long, and it’s located above the vagina.

The walls of the uterus contain three layers: the outer layer, the perimetrium, is thin and acts as an outer cover. The middle layer, the myometrium, is comprised of thick and muscular tissue, and the innermost layer, the endometrium, contains glands and blood vessels. (When you menstruate each month, you shed the endometrium.) It’s also responsible for providing nourishment to the fetus during pregnancy.

Two tubes on either side of the uterus, called the fallopian tubes, connect the uterus to the ovaries. The ovaries produce mature ova, or eggs, plus the female hormones estrogen and progesterone. The ovaries are about 1 inch (2.5 centimeters) long, and they contain capsules of cells called follicles, which contain cells that have the potential to develop into ova.

WHAT ABOUT THE G-SPOT?

The media makes much of the magical G-spot. Both men’s and women’s magazines feature articles with advice on how to find it, and sex toys advertise a guarantee of G-spot stimulation. What they don’t tell us is the important stuff, such as what the G-spot actually is, where to find it, and how it works. The