When Faith Roars

By Yasmiin Thomas

Feeling hopeless? Feeling helpless. Take a walk with me for a moment.

I woke up one morning and my world wasn't breathing anymore. It wasn't moving. It refused to greet me with a smile. It just stopped. I had to bury my world, six feet in the ground. Her name was Gabriella Leigh.

I woke up every morning trying to put the pieces together of this shattered world until my Father, my Abba sat beside

• Language: English
• Publisher: Yasmiin Thomas
• Release date: Jul 4, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463031063

Yasmiin Thomas

Yasmiin Thomas is from KwaZulu Natal in South Africa. She currently resides in Johannesburg. Yasmiin is the mother of Gabriella Leigh. She is also the chief communications officer for the Princess Gabriella Leigh Foundation. The PGLF was formed and created in memory of Gabriella Leigh. We strive to help bring joy to kids with special needs by giving them the opportunity to experience more in life than their physical disabilities allow. Seeking and striving to constantly help and encourage parents and friends to break the stigma surrounding people with special needs and in the process bringing hope to the world one smile at a time.

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This book is dedicated to my biggest fan and my loudest cheerleader, Gabriella Leigh.

Without Faith it is impossible to please Him

© Yasmiin Thomas, June 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the authors written consent.

Forward

Isaiah 54

Woman be happy! You have not had any children, but you should be very happy. Yes, the woman who is alone will have more children than the woman with a husband. This is what the Lord says. Make your tent bigger. Open your doors wide. Don’t think small!

Make your tent large and strong, because you will grow in all directions. Your children will take over many nations and live in the cities that were destroyed.

Don’t be afraid! You will not be disappointed. People will not say bad things against you. You will not be embarrassed. When you were young, you felt shame. But you will forget that shame now. You will not remember the shame you felt when you lost your husband.

Your real husband is the one who made you. His name is the Lord All-Powerful. The Holy One of Israel is your Protector, and he is the God of all the earth!

Like a woman whose husband has left her, you were very sad. You were like a young wife left all alone. But the Lord has called you back to him. This is what your God says.

For a short time, I turned away from you, but with all my love I will welcome you again. I was so angry that for a while I did not want to see you. But now I want to comfort you with kindness forever. The Lord your Savior said this.

"Remember, in Noah’s time I punished the world with the flood. But I made a promise to Noah that I would never again destroy the world with water. In the same way, I promise that I will never again be angry with you and say bad things to you.

The mountains may disappear, and the hills may become dust, but my faithful love will never leave you. I will make peace with you, and it will never end. The Lord who loves you said this.

"You poor city! Enemies came against you like storms, and no one comforted you. But I will rebuild you. I will use a beautiful mortar to lay the stones of your walls. I will use sapphire stones when I lay the foundation.

The stones on top of the wall will be made from rubies. I will use shiny jewels for the gates. I will use precious stones to build the walls around you.

I, the Lord, will teach your children, and they will have real peace. You will be built on goodness. You will be safe from cruelty and fear. So, you will have nothing to fear.

Nothing will come to hurt you. I will never send anyone to attack you. And if any army tries to attack you, you will defeat them.

"Look, I made the blacksmith. He blows on the fire to make it hotter. Then he takes the hot iron and makes the kind of tool he wants to make. In the same way, I made the ‘Destroyer’ to destroy things.

People will make weapons to fight against you, but their weapons will not defeat you. Some people will say things against you, but anyone who speaks against you will be proved wrong. The Lord says, That is what my servants get! They get the good things that come from me.

Introduction

A cup of tea and a conversation with my Father

As the evening draws upon me sitting on my couch sipping on my tea, darkness no longer surrounds me, but the light of peace illuminates my space. In the still softness of the evening glow, I hear my most favorite sound in the world, the sound of the gentle whisper of a Father preparing to hear all about my day.

This has become my nightly routine. A cup of tea in my hand, a cigarette in my other and a conversation about my day, with the One who made this world. I am not asking Him for anything. It’s about communion with Him. The only offering I have to bring to Him is my time and I give it away generously. Sometimes I am laughing and sometimes I am crying but He is always listening.

Seated on my favourite couch, sipping my tea I relay every little detail of my day to my Father. He listens without interruption as I rant and rave about the unfairness of the traffic and life in general. He smiles as I recall all my blessings for the day and animatedly narrate the tale of how He showed up and orchestrated every part of my day and kept the enemy at bay.

He is aware, He knows but He listens after all He ordered my footsteps, He wrote all about this day, but He gets pleasure in just sitting with me.

As night descends and covers the earth, I move from my seat to go and watch Him light up the sky with the stars. I look towards heaven and smile knowing this show of grandeur and splendid was just for me. A reminder that never again will I be held captive by the dark.

I bow my head and offer a prayer of thanksgiving to my Father, The Son (big bro) and the Holy Spirit (my BFF).

With one last look towards I head inside to bed. I lay my head upon my pillow and continue to have a conversation with Him, my eyes grow tired, but I go to bed knowing He is watching over me. Perfect peace embraces me, and His love wraps itself around me as slumber takes me to the land of dreams, my last thought is, this is My Abba and He got me, He always does.

Ps. Yes, you self-righteous Pharisee, my Abba knows I smoke

Day 1

Have you ever had that feeling that something was wrong before you opened your eyes? You know the one that wakes you up in fear that your worst nightmare has just become a reality? Perhaps you felt like you were hit by a truck? You can feel the fear; you can almost feel the impact from the truck as it hits you, but you know that is impossible because you are still in bed. That was what I felt the morning my baby girl was called back home to heaven.

Before my eyes opened, I knew that something was wrong. I did not want to open my eyes because I knew my second worst fear was about to become a reality, but I did.

I slowly turn and look at my baby girl and she does not stir from her sleep. I gently shake her hoping she is in a deep sleep. She does not move. I already knew, but I was hoping against hope that it was not true.

I unwrapped her from her blanket and I laid her head flat against the mattress. I started to perform CPR. Her body was still warm, but she would not breathe. I picked her up and held her close to me. I wrapped us both in the blanket and begged her to breathe for me. I carried her to the room. I grabbed my phone and called for an ambulance. I begged and pleaded with the operator to send an ambulance immediately, My baby isn’t breathing. Please send help. She isn’t breathing. I need her to breathe. Please I just want her to breathe. I gave them my address and I still was not satisfied.

I tried my best not to cry, I did not want her to see my tears in case she woke up. There was a build-up of something in my chest, that was screaming to be let out, but I held it in, I did not want to scare her in case she woke up. But I knew, yet I still hoped.

I tried calling her dad. I called him 16 times and he refused to answer the phone. I held onto her and raced to my car I threw the doors open and then I realized I could not put her in the car seat, her body would not be supported enough and I could not drive with her on my lap and I did not have my shoes. Those were thoughts that were racing through my head. I was concerned about the traffic and my shoes. It was a winter morning and it was cold; the ground was covered in frost and the sun was fighting to rise against the clouds. It was almost as if the weather was mocking me.

I carried her back into the house and checked my phone again. The ambulance was running late they were in traffic. I called her dad again and he still did not pick up the phone. I sent him a message saying’ Gabi is not breathing.’ He called me back and was questioning me and all I could say was, my baby girl is not breathing. I cannot remember his questions. I cannot remember my answers.

The paramedic arrived. He tried to revive her as I stood there trying to hold myself together. I watched in hopeful despair as he tried to bring her back to life. I remembered telling him I tried to breathe for her, I lived for her. I tried to make him understand that he had to keep trying, she was my air. I could not breathe without her. I pointed to my chest and I told him, My heart is still beating Sir, please try again. I tried. He looked at me and said, I am so sorry but there is nothing more I can do. I picked my baby up and I cried, I showed her to him, I begged him to please help me. I just needed her to breathe. He said there is nothing more I can do. I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anybody I can call? You should not be left alone. There was nobody to call. We were always alone together. I just wanted her, nobody else, nothing else. All I ever wanted was her and at that realization the build-up in my chest seemed to have exploded within me. I felt like a thousand shards of glass were slicing through me. The pain was excruciatingly aggressive, and the hurt was spreading through me faster than poison, but I was not dying. No, my daughter was dead.

She woke up earlier that morning. I made her last meal which was a desert. She fell asleep early the night before and I promised that I would make it for her. She woke me up at about 2 am that morning I made it for her. I promises her I would make it. I always kept my promises. The proof was on the stove. I fed her, her bowl and spoon were on the kitchen counter. I laughed with her. I asked her to sleep for a bit and wake up a bit later for school. I kissed her. I told her I love her. I told her it was okay to go back to sleep. I kept trying to figure it out as I held her next to me and asked her to please wake up.

Her father arrived. He spoke to the paramedic. He came to take her from me. This man who called himself her father. He hurt her to hurt me and he wanted to hold my baby now. This man that threw her aside like yesterday’s garbage wanted to hold her now. This coward that could not protect her from his family, now wanted to hold my daughter. This fool, who not once in the last two days asked how she was feeling or even bothered to check up on her, now he wanted her. Two nights ago, I scolded her because she was crabby, and he could not deal with her. He left her without even saying goodbye to her. He had his chance. I did not let him. This was my baby and I was not prepared to give her up without a fight. I asked him to leave. I told him to get out.

He went outside.

He called up my friends and family and within minutes I was surrounded by people. I took my baby and moved to the room, but they followed. There was nothing they could do. There was nothing more to do. I cried and I cried hoping that this was a bad dream. I closed my eyes hoping that when I opened my eyes that I will see something different, but the scene remained the same. It was not changing. It was still the same and yet different at the same time. There was nothing I could do.

I held her tighter and every time someone came close, I asked them to please pray for her like Jesus did for Lazarus. I begged them. I looked around at the sea of faces and found the one I was looking for and I asked her, Please tell me how my Father is going to teach her now. He says in Isaiah 54 that I will be her teacher and her mentor. He can’t teach her if she is dead. So, she cannot be dead. My friend looked and me and just cried. God always keeps His word; He doesn’t lie so tell me how He is going to teach a dead child. Please tell me. she just cried. There was nothing she could do.

People started to come in and go and the local wolf arrived. I made him promise me that when the time came for her body to leave the house that they let me say goodbye to her. I never let her leave the house without saying goodbye, that was our thing. So, I asked him to promise and he agreed I went to shower and when I came out. She was gone. Her body was gone. I did not get to say goodbye. He lied, they all lied to me. There was nothing that could be done.

I gave them my word that I would let go all I asked was to say goodbye and I was denied that. I always keep my promises. I would have kept this one too, even if it killed to let her go. I still would have let her go. But they lied and I was denied that right as her mother but there was nothing I could do.

I asked if they would take me to see her because I did not say goodbye, and everybody was secretive about it. These people that did not even have our address until that morning were now keeping her away from me. I do not