Jayda's Wings

By Tanya L. Tyler

The subtitle speaks for itself, "The Greatest Gift We Lost, The Ultimate Test of Faith." In this book, Tanya takes you on a journey through her emotions and methods she used to cope with the possibility of having a baby with Trisomy 18, who according to research would not live past her first minute of life. Every communication was negative. In spite of all the negative, Tanya and her family were finding the positive and standing on the foundation of their faith.

Tanya is authentic in her emotions about questioning why God would bring her to this knowing she was not strong enough to handle losing a child. She found herself escaping in her dreams to remove herself from her reality even though it was temporary. Tanya takes many trips down memory lane, back to revisit many situations from her past that ultimately shaped who she is today, and realized that she had to align her will with the will of God and he is her strength.

There are so many mesmerizing stories in this book where Tanya (in the words of one of her favorite pastors) chronicling Jayda's journey from the womb to her 21 days of life and ultimate death. Tanya is honest and raw in her emotions, and her hope is to touch the lives of many who deal with similar circumstances.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tanya L. Tyler
• Release date: Jun 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781950923007

Tanya L. Tyler

Tanya L. Tyler is the author of Jayda’s Wings. She is also a wife, mother and spiritual leader. Tanya was born and raised in New Jersey and currently resides in Georgia. She works in business development and has started her own publishing company, Tanler Publishing Group, LLC.Tanya earned her master’s degree in Business Management. Her hobbies include singing and playing board games with family. Tanya also volunteers and supports many outreach programs focused on helping women and children.Facebook.com/tanya.tyler.50Twitter – labelle257Instagram – tanyatyler16www.tanlerpublishing.com

Book preview

This book is dedicated to my loving husband, Karl Tyler, who dealt with his own pain his way, and allowed me to deal with my pain my way, and never once left my side. You were my rock!!

To my beautiful children who had to deal with losing their baby sister. Our oldest sons, Milan and Bryan. Milan, you did not get to spend time with her, but your calls and love were felt. Bryan, you only wanted to touch her and hold her. You would look at her, not knowing what was going to happen. To my nephew, Amir, you always stayed a few feet away. You did not want to touch her cause you thought you would break her, but you always seem to keep your eyes on her, her protector from a distance. To my baby girl, Paris, you knew Jayda better than anyone. You knew when she was coming home from the NICU, and you would sing to her. You even had your sisterly moment when you asked her not to cry because it was your turn to get your hair done. You always wanted a baby sister, and although she is not here in the flesh, she will forever be your sister.

To my mom, Emma Bowens, thank you for allowing me just to talk, be happy, and be sad without trying to fix it for me. And, thank you for being that strong example I needed to be the woman I am today. That along with your prayers, I appreciate you. To my Aunt Chrissy, you always were a listening ear throughout my life. And your honesty and advise helped me in so many areas in my journey as a child and adult.

To mom, Annie Doris Tyler (Rest in Peace), you were always such a blessing to our family. I miss our conversations and your laugh. We know you are taking care of Jayda.

My beautiful twin, Toy, for always being that listening ear, and helping my cousins surprise me with a visit. Michelle, and Silvia, I will forever love you. Your stay was perfect timing and to my best friend, Aleska, for being in the hospital almost as much as we were. You don't know how much that meant to me. My big brother, Vincent, for always being available when I called.

Special thank you to my cousin, D'Mont Herring. The masterpiece you drew of Jayda in our arms is breathtaking. You are so very talented and thank you for sharing with us.

Thank you to all the people who have been instrumental through this journey, I appreciate you as God placed you at the right place at the right time. My Mt. Zion family, and the amazing Dr. Emerson Ross, and First Lady, Lillian, thank you for letting God use you.

Special thank you to everyone who prayed with and for me, and who have encouraged me along this journey.

Book Reviewers: Jayda’s Wings

Wow! I feel your heart as you tell your story. You are so good! There’s such a blend of humor, soulfulness, and a little sharp grit in these words.

Katie Allen

Very detailed! Love how you set up the atmosphere so we can see and feel what you are trying to portray. There are so many people who will be able to relate to your story.

Tempestt Dickerson

I pictured everything you wrote and felt ever emotion you were going through. Wanted to continue reading.

Toynettia Gordy

I just want to keep turning the page to continue reading. I know thousands of women will be able to not only relate but also tell themselves it’s okay to express thoughts that at times we suppress.

Sarah Pedraza

Your faith and relationship with Karl always amaze me, yet at the same time your response of wondering why and being in that daze, not listening/hearing makes this moment approachable/real for everyone. Your faith and the strength of the two of you shine through though. I love your sharing of where your mind was wondering too - that was great - I have a difficult time imaging you as reserved - I can only imagine that your presence and voice were ready to burst out of that small girl that you were!

Emmy Weber

Great Job! The feelings you were feeling came through.

Silvia Wright

Prologue

Mr. and Mrs. Tyler, your baby does have a heart defect and will require surgery at birth or a few months after. However, if your baby test positive for Trisomy 18, surgery is probably not an option due to the stress of surgery, and most of these babies are not likely to live that long, said my perinatologist, Dr. Andrews. My mouth fell open. A woman who is pregnant cherishes her baby, does not want to hear those words. How in the world would a doctor seem so heartless about a lifesaving surgery for a poor innocent baby? I mean, don't we all have the right to a fighting chance. Why are you making a decision that only God can make? Those words will remain with me for the rest of my life.

Up until this pregnancy, my husband, Karl, and I had never heard of Trisomy 18 or Edwards Syndrome. Not to mention, all the people whom we have talked to have not heard about it either and since the cases were supposedly so rare, we probably were not going to be the one to have a baby with such a disheartening disorder. I mean we are both very healthy, and our other children do not have any issues at all. We have always been in God's favor, so we are good – no worries at all is how I rationalized this.

According to these doctors, there is no research for a cure, and no real medical treatment, because most babies with T18 won't make it to the delivery. If they do, it is highly likely they will die. If they survive, some will live a few days to a few weeks. If they survive that, most will not make it to their first birthday. This is crazy – why do doctors feel they have to give you all this information that I'm sure they know will crush your hopes of a beautiful baby who God willing will survive? I had to look this up for myself because I usually don't just take anyone's word. What I found out is that there are so many babies with T18 who are still alive. They have some health issues, but their parents love them, and they are happy. Why is this so rare, but so many babies are born with it? What the hell is wrong with these doctors? No way on earth will I allow them to test me. If my child has T18 (and I am in no way claiming it), then we will find out when God wants us to – after she is here living amongst us.

Why do they want me to terminate? Why do doctors want to play God? Why do you (Dr. Neil) think that you know what is best for my family, and me? One day you felt you had the need to tell me about a beautiful story of a family who decided not to terminate, and then the story had a tragic ending. What was your goal behind telling me that story? You have no faith, so I have no faith in you as my doctor, so I, Tanya Tyler, release you from your services. I know I did the right thing. Time to find a new doctor. Heavenly Father, please lead the way!

Chronicles

Dedication

Book Reviewers: Jayda’s Wings

Prologue

1 ~ Four Weeks Pregnant

2 ~ Nine Weeks Pregnant

3 ~ Ten Weeks Pregnant

4 ~ Eleven Weeks Pregnant

5 ~ Twelve Weeks Pregnant

6 ~ Thirteen Weeks Pregnant

7 ~ Fourteen Weeks Pregnant

8 ~ Fifteen Weeks Pregnant

9 ~ Eighteen Weeks Pregnant

10 ~ Twenty-one Weeks Pregnant

11 ~ Twenty-four Weeks Pregnant

12 ~ Twenty-eight Weeks Pregnant

13 ~ Thirty-two Weeks Pregnant

14 ~ Thirty-two Weeks Pregnant

15 ~ Thirty-four Weeks Pregnant

16 ~ Thirty-six Weeks Pregnant

17 ~ Day 1 – This is the Day!

18 ~ Day 1 – September 1

19 ~ Day 2 – September 2

20 ~ Day 3 – September 3

21 ~ Day 4 – September 4

22 ~ Day 5 – September 5

23 ~ Day 6 – September 6

24 ~ Day 7 – September 7

25 ~ Day 8 – September 8

26 ~ Day 9 – September 9

27 ~ Day 10 – September 10

28 ~ Day 11 – September 11

29 ~ Day 12 – September 12

30 ~ Day 13 – September 13

31 ~ Day 14 – September 14

32 ~ Day 15 – September 15

33 ~ Day 16 – September 16

34 ~ Day 17 – September 17

35 ~ Day 18 – September 18

36 ~ Day 19 – September 19

37 ~ Day 20 – September 20

38 ~ Day 21 – September 21

39 ~ Day 22 – September 22

40 ~ Day 23 – September 23

41 ~ Day 24 – September 24

42 ~ Day 25 – September 25

43 ~ Day 26 – September 26

44 ~ Day 27 – September 27

45 ~ Day 28 – September 28

46 ~ October 15, 2009

47 ~ October 22, 2009

48 ~ November 5, 2009

Special Thank You

Jayda’s Song

1 ~ Four Weeks Pregnant

Today is Saturday, January 17, 2009, and I just finished a freelance assignment in Atlanta for a large pharmaceutical company. I was a little bummed about missing the audition for the Sunday's Best singing competition which I had previously registered for. However, the decision was an easy one. Either go to the audition or lose the assignment that was compensating very well.

Since being laid off, I had to hustle to help pay the bills and feed our children. It was such a busy week that I totally forgot that I missed my monthly visit from my friend, Period, last week. After I got settled in at home, I sent my husband, Karl, to the store for a pregnancy test. We both did believe for a second that it would come back positive, but I wanted to take one anyway.

After Karl left for the store, I frantically picked up the phone to call my twin sister. Toy, you won't believe this, I said. Try me, she said. Well, I'm late and could be pregnant. This is crazy, right? It can't be. I mean, I'm 37 years old, and Karl is 45. We can't have any more kids – we will never have this house to ourselves. What do you think? I said as I ran on and on about this possibility. There was silence as if she were waiting for me to say something else. She said, Uhm, I think you should take a test before you start freaking out. It probably is due to stress; you know you have been stressed with all the crap that went on at your job which provoked you to resign. Now you have been out of work for so long. Yeah, I bet it is stress; you've been through a lot. I thought to myself, while those not so distant events flashed quickly through my mind. Yes, I have been through a lot, so I told my sister she was right, and that I would update her after I took the test.

After I hung up the phone with Toy, I immediately call my best friend, Aleska, to see if she would freak out with me. After all, this is a freakout moment! All I really want is for someone to validate my mood of hysterics right now. However, she fed me the very same rationale that my sister gave me. Alrighty then! I guess I will just pace the floor and wait for Karl to return from the store.

I glance out the window when I heard a vehicle pull into the driveway. Yes, he's here! I said in my outside voice. Karl came back immediately. Usually, when he takes a trip to the store for a single item like milk, he takes forever and comes back with 15 other things.

After coming through the front door, and yelling his favorite line, Honey, I'm home, I rush to get the test from him, and head to the bathroom. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I took the test. I keep looking at the test as the fluid move its way through the stick. I just knew it would read not pregnant, but I was wrong, it read pregnant. So, I waited just a few more minutes in case the not needed a little more time to show up. I squint my eyes real tight to see if the word not was faint.

I walked out of the bathroom, and into the bedroom with my eyes still fixed on the test in case the not would show up. I handed the test to Karl, and he looked at it. He looked up at me, and asked, It says pregnant; does this mean you are pregnant? As I tilt my head to the side, and squint one eye, and think - why do men ask such stupid questions? I replied, Yes, it means I am pregnant, I said sarcastically as I turned, and flopped on the bed. Oh, okay good, he said as he continued to watch TV. Is he serious? Why is he not freaking out? If I am honest with myself, I would really get offended if he did freak out? Let's face it, he is not the one who has to go through a third C-section. Oh, my goodness, the thought of being cut again. Not to mention, I never had good pregnancies. I am always in pain, my belly is extra-large, and it hurts to walk. I can't believe this. Then again as I think more about this, it would be so nice to have a cute little baby who smells really good, and who looks at you like you are the most perfect person in the whole world. I would love that. Would we have a boy or a girl? What do I want, what does Karl want? I think it would be easier to have a girl since she could share a room with her sister, and it is so much more fun shopping for girls. Hold up – wait a minute!! This is crazy!! I don't have a job, and we are already struggling. Plus, Bryan is 15 years old, and Paris is 5. It's like I'm starting all over again. Well, I guess you can say this time I am closing the gap from 10 years between children to 5 years this time around. But coming back to reality, with just one income right now, we can't afford another mouth to feed, and overpriced diapers. I pause for a moment as I get caught up in the idea of holding my baby in those cute little diapers. Oh, and bottles, and cute clothes. Wow, I'm pregnant! I massaged my belly.

Who do I call first? I said excitedly. I know the first question will be, Well, how do you feel? I don't know how I feel. I don't want to answer that question, because I really don't know. Do I tell my children? What if I miscarry again? I have a pattern of miscarrying before every live birth. Will this time be different? Okay, this is crazy, I am driving myself crazy. I called Aleska. Hey Aleska, I'm pregnant, I said softly and knew what she was going to say. For real? How do you feel about this? she said. I just closed my eyes, shook my head, and said, Girl, I don't know.

2 ~ Nine Weeks Pregnant

I have an appointment for an ultrasound with this obstetrician practice. I randomly selected Dr. Neil from the list of doctors my primary care physician provided me. I just love my primary physician, Dr. Suttem. She is very down to earth, bubbly, kind of a borderline comedian; she is basically a fun person to be around. I will never forget her face when Karl and I went in for our visit to confirm the pregnancy. Instead of her shouting out all the jokes I bet she had ready to burst out of her about our ages, she simply asked us if we thought she was too old to have a baby. However, on another occasion, she had asked me that before, so perhaps it was just an inquiry.

On my first visit to the obstetrician, Dr. Neil, I did not meet with him. I met with the ultrasound tech, and then a mid-wife name Julia. As I was laying on the table for the ultrasound, I psyched myself up to not getting too excited. I had been in this position on two occasions where there was no heartbeat, so I tried to stay disconnected from this pregnancy until after I saw the heartbeat.

I started thinking about why I was here alone to see our baby for the first time by myself. See my husband and I did not agree on a good time to leave for the doctor's office. I was very nervous about being late because they would reschedule me if I were. Karl waited for the last minute to get in the shower and get ready. I felt that he was not taking this seriously, and he got tired of hearing me complain. In response to my complaining, he told me to drive myself, and he'd meet me there on time. Well, I did just that. I got in my SUV and left. I guess when he got out of the shower and saw that I had gone, he decided not to come. He called me, and we exchanged a few choice words then I hung up – classic me. I'll hang up on you before you hang up on me. Anyway, I got there right on time, which meant if I had waited for him, we would have been late. But he will never admit that.

It took the ultrasound tech a minute to find the little embryo, and when I saw the slight flickering of the heartbeat, I melted. I said, I see the baby's heartbeat, that's a heartbeat, right? She said it was. I was so excited; I could feel my nerves making my body shake slightly. It was amazing. Thank you, Lord, you are awesome! I sat there just thinking of how wonderful this journey was going to be, and how I was going to tell everyone who would listen! After the ultrasound, she took me to a room to meet with the midwife, Julia. It took her sometime before she came into her office. She told me that the embryo looked good, but that the sac looked abnormal. She said, One of two things will happen. Either the pregnancy will naturally abort, or the sac is actually fine. It could be that you have a cyst that was pressing up against the sac. She went on to say that the likelihood is that I will miscarry this pregnancy. I was devastated with her lack of empathy like this was something normal she was telling me, and we can all head out for some freaking cocktails right now. I don't recall anything else she said as I believed I blackout for a short time to reflect on what she just said. Did she just say what I thought she said? From this quick visit, and this cloudy ass ultrasound picture, in which the tech told me that she could not get good pictures, you are sending me home with the thought that I will miscarry.

Is she nuts? No, I was nuts for allowing her to feed this negativity into my spirit. I snapped out of it, and calmly asked her, Wow, I don't understand, you're saying I have a 50/50 chance of a miscarriage? Can't you just check for cyst now to rule that out? I pleaded. We can't do that but try not to worry yourself. We will take another look on your next visit, she said. I think I busted out laughing inside. At least I hope it was inside. What does she mean don't worry? This has to be some type of joke. I am so confused and upset. After I left her office, I had to wait in a long line filled with women with their full pregnant, happy overdue bellies to pay my co-pay, and make my next appointment. Doing this while fighting back the tears that were so eager to pour out of my eyes. I decided to look up as I waited so I would not have to see their joy-filled faces. After I paid, I hurried to my car to call Karl. I fumbled with the phone because I was shaking so hard. I managed