Driven: A Guidebook for women by women : To Inspire and Empower

By Dr. Nicole Long

all the authors of driven, have one huge thing in common. They are DRIVEN ladies. Where positivity and growth reigned, there was also pain and strife. Overtime, they’ve learned the ebbs and flows of balance. They’ve learned to listen to the warning signs of being overwhelmed and overworked, even in their purpose.

In DRIVEN, they’ve gather together to share their wisdom with you. Within this guidebook, you will read stories and lessons on how to overcome self doubt and low self worth. You’ll learn greater insight on how to pull yourself up from the bottom, tap into your greatness and soar.

DRIVEN, will inspire you.

These authors share their knowledge with you in business, love, parenting, self- care, goal setting, finances, health, and so much more. By the end of this guidebook you’ll feel a greater sense of freedom, creativity, purpose, impact and drive. You’ll be ready to stop giving room to excuses and instead you’ll be ready to push forward in your dreams and truly crush your goals.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dr. Nicole Long
• Release date: Apr 22, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463877968

Book preview

How To Regain Confidence and Smash Through Barriers

By Karima Leslie

Insidiously striding into our minds, Self-Doubt disguises itself as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It enters through the doorway bearing good advice, urging us to take one more class, read one more book, rewrite that report one more time, because we’re not quite there yet. It keeps us humble and any wins or sense of accomplishment we come to feel is short lived because ‘it’ whispers in our ears to remind us of all the things we could have done better.

We let the self-doubt stay- not thinking too much about it because it seems well-meaning- but if left unchecked ‘it’ starts to grow, consuming our confidence and sense of worth, giving birth to stress, anxiety, & shame.

It stops us from going after new opportunities, from putting ourselves out there in a meaningful way, and then shames us into isolation. With rapid advancements in technology most of us are often learning new things as we go along and comparison on social media sometimes becomes an unavoidable reminder leaving us feeling like everybody else has it more put together than we do.

Indiscriminately, Self-Doubt can cripple anyone: high achievers, sloths, middle income employees, millionaire entrepreneurs, blue collar workers, etc. I understand ‘its’ tricks and can spot ‘its’ disguises because I’ve battled with it in myself.

Somehow, after 10+ years of classifying myself as an overachiever with a ‘get it done’ mentality and a ‘jump in head first’ tendency, I ended up, one November morning, lying on my floor, staring at my ceiling, while the months’ old mantra ran laps around my head:

I can’t do this. There’s no way I can do this. This is too much.

I had transitioned from being a freelancer for over 6 years, to creating my own brand & business; and after 10 months of charging full steam ahead into its creation,  I had hit a wall. Later on, I would realize that it was a mental block that I had created myself; that I was the only one in the way of my own happiness. But at the time it felt like a cruel joke that someone was playing on me, that somehow the universe had conspired to come together and throw as many roadblocks and distractions in my path as it could.

After an hour of staring up into my ceiling, I forced myself to take a pause from my pity party and go pour myself a cup of coffee. As I waited in the kitchen I thought of my circumstances: Sure, my corporate job had been demanding the last few months, but I was the one in charge of task delegation. I had put a lot on my own plate, there was a lot of work to be done on the current project, but someone had to do it, and I certainly needed the money. A loved one had recently come to visit, and I had both of us to support. Ok, they were pitching in too, but things were different now. I had someone who was counting on me and if money wasn’t flowing in from my own business then I would have to go back to focusing on my corporate work.

...Of course...because I wasn’t focused on my own company, growth was more or less at a standstill. I was still catering to the clients that I had at the time, but I wasn’t anywhere close to the goals I had set for myself at the beginning of the year, and if I was being honest, I had stopped actively trying for the past 3 months. Something had changed and it had stopped me from pursuing my dreams. And all it took was a tiny seed of doubt.

A seed planted with well-meaning and earnestly, it quickly dug its way under my skin and made a home between my bones.

How will people take you seriously?

An honest question from someone close to me, heck, even I had asked my friends that when they would come to me for business advice. But instead of me meeting the challenge and replying with my strategies or qualifications I dismissed it, and doubts of my ability started to fester.

This was something new for me. I, unfortunately, had insecurities in several aspects of my life, I was aware of them and it was something that I was working through. But when it came to my work it was one of a few things I was more than confident about. Even when doing something new I was always sure that I would figure it out, because that’s what I did. I was an achiever!

But ‘who I was’ and ‘what I do’ had recently been shaken to the core. In the year prior I had gone through a break up, finished a long-term work contract (effectively putting myself out of a job), went through trying times with family, and my spirituality had significantly and swiftly grown in a small amount of time. These major changes were shifting how I thought and how I acted and how I felt. Everything was new and I was rebuilding my foundation all at once. Trying to set my identity on solid ground, rather than the shifting sands.

That previous year was showing me who I really was: divinely created with specific intention. But then I was on a mission to understand what that intention, that purpose, truly was. Meditation, prayer, & opportunity led me to life coaching, and I found that it breathed a new life into my soul.

I loved how I was helping people in a meaningful way and I set out to make a difference in other’s lives. I trusted that my God was revealing to me my calling and, for a while, also believed in myself to fulfill it.

But once I was asked ‘the question’, the thought fluttered in the air like a bird looking for a branch to latch on to: How will people take you seriously?. I tried to dismiss the question, of course I was capable, but it was too late. The idea had already taken shelter inside me.

I can’t do this. There’s no way I can do this. This is too much.

And just like that, I fell into the trap of taking other people’s challenges as my truth. I forgot about what I had learned about placing my identity on solid ground and the feeling of inadequacy began to grow, slowly and insidiously until I couldn’t focus on anything anymore.

Through all my interactions, the thought that I wasn’t good enough was pacing in the back of my mind and infected everything I did. Replacing my joy with worry and my confidence with questions. People could tell. It affected my behavior, posture, & speech. I was sabotaging myself.

It wasn’t until that November morning, staring at my ceiling, that I was able to shift my mindset and- after months of putting in the work- uproot my self-sabotaging behaviors. After dragging myself to get coffee I happened upon a familiar video while scrolling through social media. I had seen the video before- nearly a year ago- and as the woman on the screen described how she overcame an issue she had with her coworkers, I realized how similar we were and how the technique she used could drastically elevate the way I thought, and maybe even help me hurdle over my mental blocks.

Based on a model the woman had learned from Brooke Castillo (Master Instructor and Author and the creator of The Model), she shared how her circumstances led to thoughts which led to feelings which led to a resulting action. Fairly straightforward, but by flipping the script on it’s head she was able to get to a place where regardless of what was going on around her, she was still in charge of what was going on inside her.

I broke down what made the process so effective into the following  3 steps

Pinpoint the Root of the Problem - What’s Holding You Back

Uproot Toxic Thoughts & Behaviors

Plant & Nurture New Thoughts That Lead to Desired Results

Let’s take a look at these 3 step and how you can immediately start to implement them in your life.

STEP 1: DIG FOR THE Problem & Uncover its Roots

Where is the point of the pain? Start with the surface issues then keep digging until you find the root of the problem.

Use the following process to guide you:

Circumstance ⤍ Thoughts ⤍ Feelings ⤍ Resulting Action

In my case, my circumstance was that someone was questioning me. But that circumstance led me to have thoughts that I wasn’t good enough and led me to feelings of inadequacy and the resulting action was me doubting my abilities. And for the last 3 months, instead of acknowledging the negative thoughts swirling in my mind, I had pushed them as far out of my consciousness as I could, and it was there, that they turned into unconscious worries.

I had found the root problem, that was the first step. I was feeling inadequate, which was triggered from being questioned and my unconscious feelings were coming out in my work.

Here: Try the formula above and put it into practice:

My circumstance is :

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

STEP 2: UPROOT TOXIC Thoughts & Behaviors

Only once negative feelings are acknowledged can we begin to deal with them. And once the problematic thoughts and resulting behaviors are pinpointed you can gain freedom from them.

So in order to this you must,

Work backwards to transition into an empowered mindset and reclaim control over your happiness & success:

Desired Outcome ⤍ Feel ⤍ Thoughts ⤍ Action Needed

In my case, the Desired Outcome I wanted, was others feeling confident in my ability to help people in my line of work. I wanted my expertise & knowledge, education & experience, and natural affinity & strengths to be obvious. I wanted to have people know- after speaking with me or encountering my online presence- that I was capable.

And for that to happen I needed to Feel capable and confident in my ability to communicate the value of my services. I needed to feel secure in my qualifications to create a successful business that was respected and ensure that my business truly fulfilled a societal need.

So, I would have to form new Thoughts that were inline with the feelings that I wanted to invoke. To ensure that I felt & knew my business was meaningful, I brainstormed Actions I needed to take to reassure myself.

Now you get to try it:

My desired outcome I desire is...

STEP 3: PLANT & NURTURE New Thoughts & Behaviors That Lead to Desired Results

Now it’s time to take new action. This is the crucial step in regaining your confidence and the point in the journey where we take ownership over our lives. What actions do you need to take that will lead you to your desired results?

Whether you write it out in a journal or brainstorm with a friend, know that, unfortunately, you can’t just sit around waiting for your behaviors and thoughts to change on their own. You are the one who must change them. And you’ve done it before. You weren’t born with the beliefs and thought patterns that you have today, at various points throughout your life, you were the one that formed them. And despite popular thought, people don’t change your opinion or make you upset/happy/sad. No one is hiding in the bushes with a mind control device, forcing you to feel a certain way.

You are fully in control of what you think, how you feel, and what you do. And that should be an incredibly empowering truth.

That being said, let’s go back to the model of how we can regain control over those thoughts and feelings:

Desired Outcome ⤍ Feel ⤍ Thoughts ⤍ Action Needed

The two main categories for such actions could fall into either mental action (brainstorming with others, journaling, affirmation verbalization, list making, mind mapping, prayer, etc.) or physical action (forming a new habit, improving your environment, removing toxic people, etc.). And most of the time both types of actions are required. As we elevate our mindsets, we must also create elevated situations for ourselves.

For myself, I wrote out in a list, a resume of sorts. This was especially helpful as I had never needed to submit a resume for the starting of my own business. It reminded me why I was the right person for the job. I listed all of all my studies, all my experiences, all my gifts, and all my strengths. Lastly, I ended the resume with areas of improvement.

This forced me to own my achievements and be honest about what I needed to improve in. I couldn’t ignore or downplay accomplishments when I was the one actively writing them down and it helped me distinguish between what