Am I Mad or is it Just Me

By Stephen Scorer

Firstly telling you a little about myself and my battle with my mental illness, then we go into some short stories of adventures or happenings that I have encountered along this path we call life! some short stories with some fictional twists added to hopefully delight and yet confuse the reader. Is there a simple explanation for all these stories, I would like to think so. In this small glimpse into my life, which is at best mostly factual with a little bit of fiction thrown in for good measure, It is up to you the readers to make up your own minds into what is the truth, and what is simply Gobbledygook.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stephen Scorer
• Release date: Sep 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386513063

Stephen Scorer

Well, I suppose this bit is all about me, well that is going to be boring and a rubbish ending for this unique book! I was born in Worksop in Nottinghamshire. Yes I’m a Robin Hood follower and a lover of the greatest super reds in the world, no not Liverpool or those other imposters like United, I’m a Tricky Tree, yes the mighty Nottingham Forest, are we still living in the past, I would like to think that those times might come back… someday. I love most sports and I have been quite successful as a Track & Field athlete, if not involved with any of the running variety. Then it would be the motorized stuff that gets the adrenaline rushing, from Stock car racing, rallying to even Truck racing, I have been lucky enough to sample these from close quarters. I was going to blast this section with a load of personal data… ZZzzz. All that is the need, for now, is that I love animals, especially Dogs & Cats (that would make a great film!) and that I am a gay father (that would make an even better film!)

Book preview

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to all the people, families and the service users that have suffered or have lost loved ones to any of the Mental Illnesses, Depression or Suicide. Most of us at some point in our lives have been confronted with a mental illness, lets all fight to stop the stigma that it carries with it.

Step into my world, your madness will be accepted optimistically

World Mental Health Day

When will we ever learn

when will we ever listen?

Should we ever return

to listen in on the lesson.

A lesson for the mind

for all of mankind

with hope we are inclined

not to leave behind

those with a broken mind.

For on this day in October

as we all grow so much older.

We think for those with Bi-polar

and the others with a similar disorder.

And for those that do suffer

it’s a long road ahead to recover.

Yet we can find comfort in this universe

with help and a smile from our,

Mental Health Nurse.

This was a poem I wrote in dedication to my mental health nurse, Joanne who was and still is in my eyes a star...Thank you.

Introduction

Am I Mad or Is it Just Me, What follows are short stories, some of which are based on and around my life and what has happened to me through my struggle with mental illness and follows all the way to my belief in spiritualism, you could say it is a Fictional Bio with some Factual pieces added.

Firstly telling you a little about myself and my battle with my mental illness, then we go into some short stories of adventures or happenings that I have encountered along this path we call life! some short stories with some fictional twists added to hopefully delight and yet confuse the reader. Is there a simple explanation for all these stories, I would like to think so. In this small glimpse into my life, which is at best mostly factual with a little bit of fiction thrown in for good measure, It is up to you the readers to make up your own minds into what is the truth, and what is simply Gobbledygook.

I do not mean to offend people, remember these are my stories, my visions, my memories and most of all my illness which is trying to break through and explain its feelings, All that I ask is when you read my stories and visualize for yourselves my visions you are reading, put yourself in my shoes and let your imagination run riot.

Mad Hatter –

Am i going Mad,

Alice –

"Yes, You’re mad, Bonkers, Off your head ...

but ...

I’ll tell you a secret ...

all the best people are"

Chapter 1; About Me, Am I Mad

Whilst I sit here in the corner of the living room which I have commandeered as my own writing space (which has now been changed to my very own private writing room), I start to recall the so-called encounters and visions I have had and started to think in which order to jot them down and also where to place them in my book, After all this writing malarkey is quite new to me, It’s not because I might find it a challenge or the very fact that English was not exactly my strong point throughout my school years, it’s the fact of facing the fear of failure, failure to put down my feelings in words in a way that others can take on board and feel what I have felt, seen what I have seen and live what I have lived.

Having started to write mainly because I have time on my hands, especially since being made redundant through ill health, having always been employed with manually tasking jobs, I have found myself unable to even walk very far!, This has been the hardest set back to take on board, Because you see, I have always been a very active person, what with playing Football, Golf, Squash and Tennis to a reasonable level and always putting one hundred percent effort into anything I take on, but my long-term love is or at the moment has been Track and Field Athletics which, in my opinion, I have had great success at. I have competed for Wales in the master's competitions and I have also coached children of various ages to be British and Welsh champions and even some to be record breakers.

After my earlier attack from stress and anxiety I started to help with a Mental Health Charity called Advanced Brighter Futures or ABF for short, they are a mental health charity providing a range of services to the people of Wrexham up in North Wales. The charity has been established since 1992. The support they provide can help people with a variety of different issues, such as perinatal mental health, depression, anxiety, self-esteem and confidence. Referral procedures differ between services but there is support available to cater for people in both primary and secondary mental health care, as well as on a self-referral basis. Some of the services the charity provides include group activities to build confidence and aid integration into the community, therapeutic group courses, one to one mentoring and lifestyle coaching. I used to help with the local walks and also helped run the tennis, football and badminton sessions.

So here I stand (or sit) at the edge of a bright new horizon for me. And with some determination and a little bit of luck, I might just be able to become a storyteller of some sorts.

So am I mad, yes I do have a mental illness but I don’t think this is the cause of what I have been experiencing or going through with my peculiar and sometimes horrifying visions, a possible explanation could be that my spiritual mindfulness is taking over and yes I have had experience with that side also... who knows but one thing is for sure my fellow readers, I will leave it up to you to make up your own mind and decide for yourself what my diagnosis should, could or can be... enjoy?

Chapter 2; Mental Illnesses

Mental illness has come to the forefront of many peoples lives over the recent years and myself and my partner along with some other members of the family have had Lion's share of it.

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all. a quote from Bill Clinton.

Unfortunately the social stigma around mental illness provides its own downfall, why do we need to label disorders so differently, if you have a mental illness you need help fixing the mind you have not got a physical illness and don’t even get me started on the term service user then there are the doctors or consultants if you wish psychiatrists, clinical psychologist and clinical social worker then you have got mental health professionals and mental health nurses all these for one part of the body?

Some common disorders would include depression, dementia and schizophrenia and even some phobias are classed in the mental illness range. Of course, the following is also prominent mental illnesses; a bipolar disorder which is also called manic depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and agoraphobia to name but a few, there are so much more out there in this big bad mad world that we all live in.

If people tell you that they have never suffered from a mental illness I for one would have to question it, I would ask if they have dieted to the extreme or pigged out this would be an EATING DISORDER, have they had a relationship break down this could be a RELATIONAL DISORDER, SOMATOFORM DISORDERS are diagnosed with problems that originate in the body that sometimes are manifestations called CONVERSION DISORDER.

Some genetic disorders have been found in the newly labelled illnesses such as AUTISM and ADHD, new but have probably been around just as long as the others, just hidden under a different label.

So is or can any mental illness be cured, most consultants would like to think so but I guess that in reality, they would not have had many if any success. My illness started around 15 years ago and I have been on and off medication forever since then, my partner has suffered longer than myself with numerous medicine changes and even twelve rounds of ECT!. What with mood stabilizer’s, anxiolytic’s, stimulants and antidepressants I am sure there are cures out there, but I for one will not hold my breath.

My first attack of mental illness was in the early two thousand when after twenty odd years I decided to stop living a lie and come out of the closet, this was both the most traumatic thing I have ever done and at the same time the most life-changing and the release of pressure was so great it is hard to put down in words, the change from suddenly being sad, worried to what people think and say about you and what your family would do, to being happy about life with no worries with the respect from most of the people you know is beyond belief, I was probably one of the lucky gays in that sense.

But before this, I was in a very dark and dangerous place, a place I would never want to go back to. Not far from where I lived was a cafe with a layby that overlooked a very picturesque Welsh valley, one of many in the North Wales area. I would always go to this layby and stop In the same spot on every visit because in this one spot of this layby, had become a sort of shrine and it would be ladened with toys, teddies, flowers and cards. I can remember seeing a photo of a father and his children, which was attached to a post which was surrounded by these gifts of toys and keepsakes. I assumed he had also suffered from a mental illness and one night he had taken the children for a drive up to the layby, he then attached a pipe from the exhaust and up to and through the car window. I used to just sit there trying to imagine how it felt, what was he feeling, how the children suffered, did they all just peacefully fall asleep. I kept a