Fifty Feels of Fuzz: The Autorhymeography Part 2

By Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez

There once lived a man named PimpyDee. Hes already wrote one book. Now hes done another one. See, only this one is darker. It is harsh. It is evil. Nobodys pulled a stunt like this since Evel Knievel! This book has everything. Its exactly what youd expect. Its sexually explicit and funny, and it may well affect your outlook on the meaning of life. It might make you no longer trust your girlfriend or wife. Its offensive. Its dirty and oh so very rude. Its thought provoking, insightful, pornographic, and crude, but what is really amazing is the fact its all real. Its the continued adventures of the man with the fuzz that you all want to feel! So stop reading the back cover and start at the beginning, the front, although I wouldnt fking bother if you dont like the word ct!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481797825

Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez

Darnell PimpyDee Sanchez author of the hugely popular Autorhymeography , poet , comedian , after dinner speaker and self proclaimed intellectual freedom fighter ,, was born in 1977 in the glamourous seaside town of Broadstairs on the magical isle of Thanet on England's south east coast . Darnell is a man of lyrical intensity ! His ability to write autobiographys using poetry and rhyming verse is bordering on insane extraordinary genius ! Pimpydee is a firm believer in interdimensional beings , holographic realities , gimp masks , dirty skanky hos , telepathy , nipple clamps , sixth sense , blunts , sexy peachy arses , world peace ,, and tacos ! He is also very fuzzy !

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© 2013 by Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez. All rights reserved.

Illustrations by Darrell Miles Butt

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    06/05/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9781-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9780-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9782-5 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

INTRO

AGAIN (A-GAIN) AND AGAIN (A-GEN) AGAIN

CATCH UP

DARNEL PIMPYDEE SANCHEZ THE AUTORYHMEOGRAPHY

JOB SEEKER

SAVELOY

POLO Y.O.L.O

O.C.D.

LOVE PUMP

EROTICA

SQUISHITA

PIEITA

PROMOTING THE BOOK

FRANIMAL

FRAN

DO THEY STOCK IT?

DIRTY DEBBIE

DOOBS

SURVEYS

FACE OF THE COMPANY

LIL DAN

THE PUNCH UP

MANC UPDATE

DAN THE MANC

PHIL THE MANC

FOUND PHIL

SID AND POLLEN

SIDN’T GET TO FUCK IT

POLLEN

SID

CAFÉ JAMAICA

FOXHUNTERS

SHOW ME THE BUNNY

BEAM ME UP SPLODGEY

MARTINS WEDDING

WINKY WINKY POO!

SPAM HEAD THE LESBIAN

SPAM HEAD

FISTER MISTOFFELLEES

SPLODGES FAKE MUM

HOTELS

CHIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING

NUT SACK CHIN

HALLOWEEN

TRICK OR TEA TREE OIL

WISDOM TEETH

POLISH THIEF

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TOOTH

SWIMMING POOL

JA JA

SUCK ON BAT YOU SLAG

MEETING THE PARENTS

BEN’S STAG DO

THE DAM

SNOW AND TELL

THE BI-POLAR EXPRESS

MOOSE BALLS

BEN AND KATS WEDDING

I DON’T KNOW

THE BI-POLAR EXPRESS 2 (THE STINKUAL)

ARSE FACE

WHAM BAM SPAM HEAD

JONATHAN ROSS

DON’T PUSH IT

SHERIFF NIGHT

RACISM

STICKY LEAKS

ENGLAND V GERMANY

VUVUZELAS

SUZIE

CHOMPS LEAVING MEAL

NOT REALLY

BYE BYE CHOMPY

FOXY

RAISING THE BAR

KEV

KEV ARM WRESTLE

KANOMI AND SU

KANOMI AND SU TWO

THE HAPPY COCK IN A WOK

MENTAL MENTAL FUCK AN ORIENTAL

ICE CREAM PANTS

YOU’RE NOT DAPPY I’M NOT HAPPY

DIPPY DAVE

WHITSTABLE

THE HO DOWNSTAIRS

RICKY

SCAN I KICK IT? YES I SCAN!

BOMBSHELL FOR MY MUM

SUCKEDY GOK YOU SLAG

BOMBSHELL FOR MY DAUGHTER

DON’T PUSH IT! OK NOW PUSH IT!!

SUCK MY TITS

MEET THE FEET

FAMILY MISFORTUNES

DROP CALL DIPPY

FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES

NIGHTMARE ON FUZZ STREET

WHAM BAM THANK YOU SPAM!

SCHOOL MEALS

D.N.A.

SPAMELA ANDERSON

I CRY WITH MY LITTLE EYE

WAF

PAVEY

THE CHINESE WHORE

I NEEDED THE MONEY

LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD!

THE HOLE

FILIPINO A NO NO!

UNHAPPY ON THE HOLE

I LIKE ICKE

THE SHAPE SHIFTING LIZARD SPY

GAS BALLOONS

CURLY THIGHS

FUDGEY

THE INCREDIBLE BULK UP

FUDGE ZOO

CHEESY

FUDGEYS FRIENDS

RASPUTIN

TALK TO FRANK

BULK UP BILL

FUDGETASTIC

DOGS HEAD

PREGNANT FUDGE??

THORPE PARK

FUDGE OUT FUDGE IN!

PERKS

AMNESIA DAZE

CHASE N STATUS

WINTER WONDERLAND

EVERY TROLLS A GOAL

TROLLS ROYCE!

KNOW YOUR TROLL!

TROLLY POLEY

TOO BLUE TO BE TRUE

I’D FUCK SMERFETTE!

BUT FIRST I’D PAINT A MIDGET!

PUPPA GIRTH

IT’S A TROLL OVER!!

LOCKET

SAUSAGE TROLL

STONER CHOKES ON BONER!

MY TROLL CHICK SUCKS DICK

CHEESY DOES IT!

‘NOBBS’

KAYWHY!

FLORENCE AND THE TROLL AND THE MACHINE

ROLPHES

I’M GONNA FUCK A CHINKY LIKE IT’S MY BIRTHDAY

F.A. CUP SEMI FINAL

F.A. CUP OF CHAMPAGNE!

Q.P.R.

HOOPS

R.S

TUFTS

DAM TROLL

CON-TROLL ISSUES

TROLL-BLE IN PARADISE!

ISLE OF ALLWIGHT!!

JUBILEE!

UDDERLY FANTASTIC

RETURN TO THE TUFTS!

EURO 2012

TIMMY J

THE SQUID

ANGEL

DUSTFRAN AND BRUSH

TUFTS LUCK!

THE UNEXPECTED END TO A BOOK!

SPITTY FISTY ANAL

INTRO

Maybe this project is immoral

And in some ways quite perverse

To document my life once more

In the form of comic verse

But now I’ve done it yet again

So here it is for you

All done in child limerick

And all completely true!

AGAIN (A-GAIN)

AND AGAIN (A-GEN) AGAIN

Again and again

Are both the same word

But there are two different ways

In which they can be heard

So when rhyming with words

Such as pain, main or Jane

The way to pronounce it

Is simply a-gain

But to get it to rhyme

With Ben, men or ten

Pronounce it correctly

By saying a-gen!

CATCH UP

In case you haven’t read my first book

Darnel Pimpy Dee the Autorhymeography

I’m gonna bring you up to speed

Ok let’s start off with geography

I was born in the town of Margate

In 1977, a long time ago

Here’s another bit of information

I think it’s good perhaps to know

My mum and dad were both married

But both got divorced to be together

Then my mum got pregnant with me

Probably the best thing to happen ever

Although I really weren’t supposed to be here

No way did my mother plan it

None the less I still got born

To create total havoc on this planet

My mum already had two daughters

Who are my sisters Zoe and Sadie

My dad didn’t do a lot of work

Luckily my mum was the type of lady

To struggle hard to make ends meet

Making stuff to sell on her market stall

Most of my clothes were second hand

Which is I guess better than no clothes at all

My sisters both moved out of the house

They each found a man to move in with

And they both had kids a bit later on

Ok now some more info I should give

I went to school but it wasn’t long

Before I had gotten into trouble

After flashing Eve’s sister in the field

I was sent to the Headmaster at the double

My mum got summoned immediately

And I got moved from green to blues

Ok what’s next? Secondary school

Nahhh I think what I will choose

To talk about next is college

It’s where I found weed and acid

And it was during my year at college

I found out too much speed will make you flaccid

Yes it might help you chat up the girls

Of that there is no doubt

But it also shrivels up your cock

Anyway fuck college I got kicked out

So I then blagged myself a job

At a clothes shop selling clothes

By which point I’d discovered raves

And was obsessed by dirty ho’s

I was moved to another one of their stores

To be put in charge of suits

Which is where my buddy Martin worked

He was in charge of shoes and boots

Together we hatched a master plan

To rob lots of clothes and money

Robbing stuff from this clothes shop

Was both rewarding and damn funny

Until we got caught and arrested

One unfortunate dismal day

By this stage of our operation

We’d roped in John and Jay

Two other employees from the store

They were arrested and cuffed too

Obviously we all got sacked

Now what was I to do?

Well being the proactive guy I am

I got a job in a shop again (a-gain)

And I got myself a girlfriend

A crazy blonde girl whose name was Jane

Anyway I was working in this new clothes shop

When my manager got the sack

The shop needed a new manager

So because I had Martins back

I recommended him for the vacant post

And the vacant manager post he got

So over the next year or so

We ripped off that shop a fucking lot

I quit that job before it came on top

To work for a girl with whom I’d become pally

So I worked in the shop she was now managing

Another clothes shop called Gasoline Alley

I ripped that off too and stole the stock

Until they terminated my employment

I was now twenty one years old

And had found new sources of enjoyment

E’s were great and I still loved puff

I enjoyed getting stoned with other stoners

I was still with my girlfriend Jane

And could still naturally get boners

The next job I got was for ‘Elite’

Another designer clothes shop in town

Ok the next bit of information

I definitely must write down

Jane was now up the duff

So we bought a house for fifty grand

How the fuck we managed that

I still find quite hard to understand

Then we had our little girl

My daughter who we named Marie

But all this grown up business

Was a bit too much for me

I got sacked from my shop ‘Elite’

Well the boss insisted that I left

I hadn’t stolen lots of clothes

But I had done a bit of internal theft

Fortunately I got another job

Working for a mobile phone shop firm

Starting out in their Ashford branch

With a right obnoxious worm

Some mug called Garth, he pissed me off

Luckily my time working with him was quickly over

Cos I got relocated to another branch

To be assistant manager in Dover

Jane my girlfriend was still a nutter

Even more mental than before

Constantly accusing me of cheating

Saying every bird I worked with was a whore

I was still only about twenty two

And still loved to have a smoke

Only by this point in my life

I was now sniffin loads of coke

I’d developed a cocaine habit

Which got out of hand and quite excessive

I’ll blame it on my O.C.D

That means I’m compulsively obsessive

I got promoted up to manager

By Simon Jordon and the board

Then used my position of responsibility

To do a shit load of dodgy fraud

As well as theft and other illegal stuff

This went on for a year or two

But when they started to investigate

I left and got a job as a manager of Mobiles 4u

At this point I still had a habit

I liked coke but could not afford it

So I ripped off Mobiles 4u for me

Until I had my first store audit

Which was the worst one in company history

I was suspended pending investigation

Someone told me the police were now involved

So I quickly faxed my resignation

But Mobiles 4u and my previous firm

Had joined forces to work in unison

My former colleagues kept on phoning me up

Saying "Seriously mate don’t be a loony son

Get out of the fucking country

Or you will definitely get fucking busted"

I was now starting to seriously regret

Exploiting all the times when I’d been trusted

East Sussex police tracked me down

They phoned up my mum and dad

I had to tell them what I’d done

Obviously neither one of them was glad

That I now had to hand myself in

Which I did and was then released on bail

I was now seriously starting to think

I could spend the next five years in jail

But luckily all charges were dropped

Insufficient evidence was why

Yes I know I am very fortunate

And that I’m an extremely lucky guy

Now it was time for a career change

As retail had all gone rather sour

So I got a job knocking on doors

For the energy firm M Power

I quickly found the energy industry was a scam

Almost everyone who worked in it was a crook

I met some really interesting characters

Who you can read all about in my last book

It was around this time I split up with Jane

Actually she split up with me

We were constantly at each other’s throats

And that weren’t good for our Marie

So I moved out and got a bachelor pad

And then moved in my mate Ben

We smashed it constantly for a year

Then I moved back to my mums again (a-gen)

I was still doing gas and electric

Working for one company then another

I was still a fucking liability

And still a great burden on my mother

I’d just had a year of partying

So it was time to calm down and get a bird

My choice was a teenage slut

And yes I know this may seem absurd

But even after getting a massive kick in

From her big older doorman ex

I moved her into my mum’s house

However when my dad caught us having sex

When I should have been playing with Marie

It made him and my mum irate

I tried apologising for my actions

But for that it was too late

I needed to move out of their house

So I went and found a flat

Moved in my ho, then a dog

Huge damn mistake was that

I finished with her eventually

Then found the potential love of my life

A new girlfriend called Chompy

Who I’d have even made my wife

I loved that bitch but she was young

It was never gonna last forever

At this point I was twenty eight

And hanging about with my pal Trevor

And a guy known as The Manc

Who was sleeping on my settee

Anyway never mind that dodgy manc

Let’s get back on track to me

Actually no The Manc is quite important

See rather than have him be a leech

In my front room whilst I paid the bills

I encouraged him to get a flat near Broadstairs beach

I suggested that I moved in there too

As it was a four bedroom maisonette

It had some quite stunning views

And for the price I doubt you’d get

Anywhere any better so then Trev

Decided what he thought he’d do

Because his missus kept chucking him out

Was rent a room at ours too

I’d just been sacked by another energy firm

So then me and Trev the funny guy

Went and got ourselves new jobs

Figuring selling satellite tv was worth a try

That was funny while it lasted

But we cut corners and did stuff wrong

So our little stint selling satellite tv

Didn’t really last that long

Trev started his own business

Hiring out castles that inflate

But I wanted to try and get back into

Doing the job I’d grown to love to hate

Good old gas and electric advising

It was a job I quite enjoyed you see

But I’d kinda burnt all my bridges

As most of the firms had previously employed me

And then sacked me at some stage

Besides if I wanted to sell energy once more

I’d have to find a way around

A new thing called Energy Sure

A background check brought in by O.F.G.E.M

To try and stamp out all wrong doing

As it had become now quite apparent

A lot of energy reps were seriously screwing

Up the utilities industry big time

Gas and electric sales tactics kept appearing

On shows like Watchdog and Panorama

You couldn’t turn on a telly without hearing

Fraud this or miss sold that

Every complaint they seemed to flag it

So they brought in a background check

Fortunately I knew a way to blag it

Basically you had to have a background check

In order to work as an energy advisor

In the past if you’d been sacked for fraud

A new firm would be none the wiser

But now with this Energy Sure check

They could see adverse information on your file

And well the amount of dodgy shit on me

Would stack up into a massive pile

However someone higher up had told me

How this Energy Sure check was done

They just entered in your National Insurance Number

Then the computer would start to run

A comprehensive background check

But you see that check won’t bring up nuffin

If you change your National Insurance Number

On the form and if you’re bluffin

That you’ve never worked in the industry

Then they won’t find the lack of info strange

Thus the trick to passing the check

Was to simply make